Jump to content
IGNORED

If I Ran a Cult...


Hane
 Share

Recommended Posts

After reading about that whackjob named Jane and her crazy list of cult rules (nothing branded with Nike! You must hang toilet paper like *this*!), I started thinking: What would *you* insist on if you ran a cult?

I’ll start:

Regular visits to public libraries shall be a sacrament.

Attendance at community theater and concerts shall be pilgrimages.

Children shall not be forced to wear itchy clothing.

Let’s hear yours!

  • Upvote 17
  • Haha 6
  • Love 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Everything from Jane’s ridiculously long list would be on there. That woman is a micro-managing tyrant!

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

If I ran a cult:

No stopping in the middle of the aisle in the grocery store! Then no one can get through! Pick a damn side!

If you are driving in the left lane, you are passing. If you aren’t passing anyone, get back over in the right lane. 

No chewing with your mouth open. Ever. The devil chews with his mouth open. Do you want to be like the devil?

Get all your cats and dogs fixed. Like yesterday. Your pets aren’t quiverful.

Get your kids vaccinated if your doctor recommends it. No, I don’t count your chiropractor or woo shilling naturopath a doctor. 

Don't beat your kids. Period.

If you don’t want kids, that’s fine. Don’t have any just because people think you should.

If you fart in an elevator, apologize. Quit pretending you didn’t do it. We all know you did.

  • Upvote 18
  • Haha 8
  • Love 13
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I Addendum to @JermajestyDuggar’s rule:  All children will be regularly seen by an actual Degreed Medical Professional, including during illness, and will take real medicine when prescribed.

ETA:  All home births will be attended by a certified midwife, and when appropriate, women experiencing complications during labor shall be transferred to a hospital.

Edited by smittykins
  • Upvote 15
  • I Agree 1
  • Love 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

All persons (women, men) have equal rights

Help the poor

Accept the outsiders. And the foreigners.

Children are a blessing (and nobody beats their blessings!)

Rich people pay taxes. Markets and business must not be over all the things.

Basically it would be a Jesus based cult haha.

  • Upvote 16
  • Love 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would take one of the WOFF rules and tweak it a bit:

Don't read your significant text to the exclusion of other books. Read others' significant texts, read cultural and social texts, read fiction. Spend time with different opinions and perspectives.

And don't be a fuckwit. Do your best to be a decent person.

  • Upvote 15
  • Love 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Pay attention when you're driving.  Don't text and drive.  Don't drive too fast in poor weather conditions.  And, for the love of God, when the light turns green you go.  Do not wait to see if it will turn purple.  It won't.

Don't label your kids when you're angry.  Don't call them stupid.  Don't tell them they are bad kids.  Your words will stick forever.

Your freedom ends where my nose begins.  You don't think abortion is moral?  Don't have one.  You don't want to marry someone of the same sex?  Don't.  You think church is stupid?  Don't go.  You think everyone should go to church?  You go yourself. Basically, don't tell others to live by your rules.

Be nice to people -- waiters, waitresses, store clerks, service staff, and others who help you.  You are not in a superior position.  We all have jobs to do and some involve serving others.  

Be kind.  In the end, it's all that matters.

Edited by Xan
  • Upvote 16
  • Love 12
Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you have a child with special needs of any kind, make damn sure they get proper help! Even if that means fighting the health professionals (which sadly happens all too often). Don’t just pray that they’ll be OK, or treat them badly because they find something genuinely difficult. And particularly don’t talk disparagingly on the internet about them. (Mainly thinking of Kimmie/fencingmama here. You’re allowed to talk about how difficult you’re finding things, of course. No need to be like Braggie Abbie and yak on and on about how #motherhoodissanctifying or whatever). 
 

Don’t take anything potentially dodgy during pregnancy (mainly thinking of stuff like Plexus here). Or while breastfeeding (if you choose to breastfeed, for however long you want or are able to). 

  • Upvote 8
  • Love 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

LGBTQ people are not an abomination against God; people who hate them for no reason are the abomination.

Cats are living representations of the Holy Spirit.  (but they still need to be fixed)

Be kind to your neighbor, always. 

take care of the environment and nature; the planet was a gift from God, after all.

Edited by catlady
riffle
  • Upvote 9
  • Love 12
Link to comment
Share on other sites

35 minutes ago, Xan said:

And, for the love of God, when the light turns green you go.  Do not wait to see if it will turn purple.  It

I had a friend who used to say “Are you waiting for a particular shade of green?”

  • Haha 17
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thou shalt not get snippy about how people pronounce the letter 'H'. Some say 'aitch', some say 'haitch'. Both are good to the Lord's ears.

  • Upvote 8
  • I Agree 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Something @JermajestyDuggar said about shopping carts reminded of this:

If you take a cart out to your car, it is your responsibility to return it to the cart corral or even take it back to the store.  Failure to do so will result in severe punishment and just shoving it anyplace so that it rams into people or cars is a capital offense.

  • Upvote 13
  • I Agree 2
  • Love 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

In fraurosena's Church of Our Deer Sweet Rufus, the following Rules shall be strictly adhered to:

Everyone shall receive a well-rounded education by qualified professionals. No homeskooling by un(der)educated (sister)moms.

No blanket training. Ever.

Feed your kids enough to thrive.

Everyone shall receive affordable healthcare. 

One person, one vote. The electoral college will be abolished. Every citizen over the age of 18 will automatically be registered. Gerrymandering and voter suppression is illegal.

State and religion are strictly separated.

There are no tax-exemptions for churches /religions. 

Racism, speciesism, genderism, sexism, misogyny are all illegal.

Everyone is allowed their opinion. No one is allowed to force it on others.

Don't walk your dog and glue your face to your phone at the same time. And for Rufus' sake scoop their poop up from the stoop!

Cuddle your significant other, your (grand)kids, your fur babies and your family and friends often. 

Don't take anything for granted. Cherish what you have. 

 

In Rufus' name. Amen.

 

 

  • Upvote 11
  • Love 10
Link to comment
Share on other sites

44 minutes ago, BullyJBG said:

This is fun. Is this really a cult?

Unfortunately this can’t be a cult because our rules are much too logical. 

  • Upvote 5
  • I Agree 13
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You guys covered all the important aspects, the whole treating other people (especially children) properly and such so I'm going to just throw some personal addendums on here

  • Heinz is the one true ketchup
  • Be nice or smart.  You can be both, but you'd better be at least one.
  • Never steal another's dry erase markers.
  • Topping Spaghettios with a fried egg pleases the Lord.
  • Show dark chocolate edibles the respect they deserve as our Holy Communion.
  • Upvote 10
  • Haha 1
  • Love 9
Link to comment
Share on other sites

referring to white chocolate as a type of chocolate is a matter of personal opinion, but Rufus knows in his heart that it is sludge without cocoa.

  • Upvote 1
  • Rufus Bless 5
  • Haha 8
  • I Agree 9
  • Love 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, catlady said:

referring to white chocolate as a type of chocolate is a matter of personal opinion, but Rufus knows in his heart that it is sludge without cocoa.

Yet, somehow still far more delicious than milk chocolate.   Rufus works in mysterious ways!

  • Upvote 2
  • Rufus Bless 2
  • Haha 5
  • I Agree 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

41 minutes ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

Heinz is the one true ketchup

At the very least, Hunt's is an abomination unto the our Lord and Savior.  I do like banana ketchup, though. 

All mustard is good, but some mustard is better than other mustard. 

Those who shovel their driveway and sidewalk into the road (especially when there is on-street parking) shall be SEVERELY scolded. 

Dogs are a blessing unto the earth. Treat them well. Though shall not abandon them when they are old, sick, or inconvenient. 

  • Upvote 3
  • Love 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

In my cult, no one gets a driver's license until they have passed a round-about right-of-way behind the wheel test, demonstrated correct usage of all blinkers, and forsworn all noisy exhaust mods.  Also, anyone who violates pedestrian or bike right of way is sentenced to only drive a Smart car or a moped. You will know the Snoodites by their driving courtesy.

I will feel lead to establish a cult library, a repository for all the best books. Also a fiber library. We shall have a weekly day of reading.

Also, equality shall be taught in all household labor and child rearing. 

  • Upvote 10
  • Love 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Everyone must have at least 1 mental health checkup every year. If the person needs counseling/treatment, it is provided, for free, often as needed and without stigma. 

12 weeks (60 days) paid vacation per year. At least 2 of those weeks (10 vacation days/14 calendar days) must be used in a row- meaning the person cannot take the 60 days randomly. They must have 2 full weeks without checking in with their jobs to rest and recuperate from work life. Also vacation days must never be used for sick days. Use sick days for being sick (mental exhaustion/mental health days are also not stigmatized).

  • Upvote 5
  • Love 10
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Participation in any Multi Level Marketing is grounds for immediate excommunication.  Every MLM. Even the MLMs that people claim are “totally not a pyramid scheme” or “this one isn’t like the other ones.”

Edited by HereComesTreble
Grammar, Boo.
  • Upvote 14
  • Haha 2
  • I Agree 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

22 minutes ago, quiversR4hunting said:

Everyone must have at least 1 mental health checkup every year. If the person needs counseling/treatment, it is provided, for free, often as needed and without stigma. 

12 weeks (60 days) paid vacation per year. At least 2 of those weeks (10 vacation days/14 calendar days) must be used in a row- meaning the person cannot take the 60 days randomly. They must have 2 full weeks without checking in with their jobs to rest and recuperate from work life. Also vacation days must never be used for sick days. Use sick days for being sick (mental exhaustion/mental health days are also not stigmatized).

Where do I sign?

  • Upvote 1
  • I Agree 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

24 minutes ago, Pammy said:

We accept no monetary donations. Please direct all donations towards legitimate organizations that help people. (Give generously.)

And some to animal rescues.

  • Upvote 2
  • Love 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share




×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.