Josiah & Lauren 17: Proud parents to Lauren's hat...and Bella

[JermajestyDuggar]

6 minutes ago, CarrotCake said:

They weren't here in the Netherlands either but since a few years they seem to have been popping up as an influence of American culture. I really don't like them, also because you are still expected to also visit with gifts after the baby arrives.

I try to stay out of babyshowers as much as possible and I really do not want one for myself. 

I hate baby showers too. I usually just send a gift and say I can’t make it. If it’s a close friend or family member, I will go. Baby showers bore me to death. I hate watching people open gifts. 

Edited April 13, 2021 by JermajestyDuggar

[Jana814]

The last baby shower I went to was in January of 2018. The expecting mother wasn’t even at her shower because she was put on bed rest a few days before. They were going to cancel it but they already gave the restaurant where it was a deposit. 

[Melissa1977]

5 hours ago, CarrotCake said:

I do not feel any emotional bond yet with the clump of cells in my uturus  ?\

Maybe this will change when I get my first ultrasound in two weeks but for now, I do not understand the Lauren/Asa thing.

Every woman lives pregnancy in a different way. Feeling a bond with the embryo since day 1 is possible and it's not a fundie thing.  

This said, inventing the sex of a 5 or 6 weeks (weeks!!!) embryo, calling it "son" and later "big brother" is too much IMO. Naming the embryo, remembering, it can help to emotionally overcome the loss, but I think that making it too big has the opposite effect. Many people, including some fundies (for example Lori's daughter Alyssa) use the term chemical pregnancy and do not consider it a full miscarriage. 

Chemical pregnancies are extremely common and many women do not even realise it, because sometimes it is felt as a late period. Quiverful fundies always realise it because they test all the time, and they consider that a full baby. 

 

I edit to add: congratulations for your "clum of cells" that will become the cutest baby soon! Wish you the smoothest pregnancy!

Edited April 13, 2021 by Melissa1977
Congratulate the poster!

[viii]

Showers are a big deal where I live (Canada). Usually the showers are large for the first baby, and then for every other baby after that, people hold "sprinkles". 

[Jana814]

35 minutes ago, viii said:

Showers are a big deal where I live (Canada). Usually the showers are large for the first baby, and then for every other baby after that, people hold "sprinkles". 

One of my clients daughter’s had identical twin girls almost 5 years ago. They had a huge second shower for her twins. She already had an older son & she did have a shower for him. She wanted something small but their family really went all out for her & her twins (the twins were a big surprise no history of twins in either family). 

Edited April 13, 2021 by Jana814

[WiseGirl]

8 hours ago, medimus said:

bank account number

How do they secure the account so no one helps themselves to the money? Honest question. I think it's a great idea. I'm the person that buys the Diaper Genie and my friend is the one that sweeps in and buys all the little stuff left on the registry.

[medimus]

3 minutes ago, WiseGirl said:

How do they secure the account so no one helps themselves to the money? Honest question. I think it's a great idea. I'm the person that buys the Diaper Genie and my friend is the one that sweeps in and buys all the little stuff left on the registry.

You can't access the account with just the bank account number! I know banking is different in the States (parents live there). But this is the IBAN number which you can use to put money in the account (bank transfer), but you have no access to the account at all.

[LillyP]

I'm in the US so baby showers are definitely a big deal around here, but in my circle you don't have showers for additional children. People love to use the "every baby should be celebrated" line, but you can celebrate the arrival of a new baby without a registry and a party to receive gifts. Now I've definitely had friends who had large age gaps, either due to secondary infertility or thinking they were done and having another after already getting rid of stuff. I do think those are unique situations and can be exceptions.

What I don't understand is when people have kids close in age and then need a shower for the second kid. To me, even different gender isn't a good enough reason. There's no reason why you can't reuse the same things big items from your first child, and if you feel like you need new things that should be on the parents to buy it themselves. I intentionally picked neutral things when it came to big items - strollers, car seats, bouncers, etc - so they could be used for future kids. There's certainly no reason why a boy can't use something pink from their sister...but it seems like people go crazy over needing to rebuy things.

I'm due with my second soon, and my best friend just called me today because another friend reached out asking her if she was hosting me a shower. I honestly would be very embarrassed to have a second shower. My kids will be around 3 years apart, both boys, and the seasons mostly match up for clothes. Other than buying gifts for the sake of buying something - there's nothing we need. Our friends and family were incredibly generous at our shower for our first and to me having a second shower is like saying none of the things they got us before are good enough now.

[freethemall]

I'm due with my 2nd, another boy 4 years apart, and I'm surprised a lot of people have asked me if I'll have another shower. I'm like nope, but feel free to send diapers!

[Not that josh's mom]

I avoid baby showers and wedding showers. Anything where I must act excited to see people open gifts that they may or may not really want. I do understand family wanting to give showers,  but I'm not your family. And evidently extremely irritable today.

[PlentyOfJesusFishInTheSea]

1 hour ago, viii said:

Showers are a big deal where I live (Canada). Usually the showers are large for the first baby, and then for every other baby after that, people hold "sprinkles". 

I'm also Canadian and can't think of anyone who had a shower or sprinkle for their second or third kid. I also have an excellent group of friends who do gender inclusive parties with booze and food. I think opening the presents at the party is also dying out. Thank God, as I do not take enjoy the women-only showers with lame games and gift opening.

I just want to have a backyard BBQ to celebrate the baby but we'll see if covid cooperates before my due date.

[viii]

It's probably different in every province. I have found that it's becoming a lot more gender inclusive and relaxed, though. 

[just_ordinary]

Baby or wedding showers are thankfully definitely not a thing in Germany. Little (!) gifts come after birth. Sometimes the grandparents pay for bigger items like car seat or pram (wedding gifts (often money) come at the wedding and for christenings money is the way to go). Therefore, additional shower gifts feel pretty grabby to me. 
The idea of a sweet get together before the baby comes is nice though. But more in a tea and Chat kind of way. If there have to be gifts I do like the idea of gifting children’s books that had a lasting effect or feel like a must-have. Building a first set of books for the child is right up my alley. We had such a digital little get together just three weeks ago and everyone sent their book beforehand. 
If you want such a thing you would most definitely hint pretty hard to your friends. Organising it yourself would be seen as weird.  

I think having your first pregnancy ending in a miscarriage is pretty hard- even if you are barely pregnant. At least in my experience. It took me months to recover and I was a wreck emotionally the full first trimester and sometimes later in my following pregnancy. My second miscarriage was after my child was born and this didn’t hurt nearly as bad. I miscarried both pregnancies around the same time, but having a living child definitely gave me a form of peace that I didn’t have before. We would love to add another child to our family but if it isn’t in the cards for us we will be fine. Our existing child would definitely be enough for us. I think Lauren was quite egocentric and insensitive regarding Joy’s situation, but I most definitely can understand where she was coming from. If you are hurting yourself you cannot always look at it from a more rational level. She probably was sorry for Joy but not really empathetic because she seemed wrapped up in her own grief. Which is ok (not saying it’s nice though). Since Bella is born, Lauren seems to very happy and it looks as if she got over her loss. People were afraid she might erect the Asa idol that Bella will have to measure up against, but it doesn’t seem that way at the moment.

Edited April 13, 2021 by just_ordinary

[Jana814]

My sister’s friend had a baby shower for her first child the gifts she got were books.  Even though my sister’s friend was not raised Jewish, her mother was. So her mother as well as many of her mother’s friends were not comfortable with a baby shower. Her husband comes from a religious family & from what my sister told me his family was annoyed that she didn’t have a shower. When she was expecting her second child the friends she made though her mother’s group got together & gave her a bunch of frozen meals & gift cards to get take out dinners. 

Edited April 13, 2021 by Jana814

[Travelfan]

I think I’ll give anyone who’s had a miscarriage a pass on however they want to feel.  I had a miscarriage late last summer.  I’m 43, I’ve been married 23 years and my kids are 19 and almost 18. I had never had a miscarriage and never expected to. At my age and where I am in my life I never even expected to be pregnant again!  Finding out I was expecting was shocking to say the least (we found out 2 days before dropping our daughter off at college).  Given my age I knew the risk for a miscarriage was higher than most. As much as I wasn’t planning on having a baby I became very excited very quickly and with each day that went by I felt relief that things seemed to be ok. At my 7 week ultrasound I found out I would be having a miscarriage. They used the term non viable. I hadn’t told anyone except my best friend. As time has gone on I’ve told more people because somehow I want it to be known that it was a real thing. No one would ever suspect. It’s not like I’ll go on to have more kids and I’ll eventually tell that I had a previous miscarriage.  I don’t want it never to be known if that makes any sense. I haven’t made a big deal out of it, I’ve told less than 10 friends. But I just hated the idea that no one would ever know that baby existed if only for a short time. The baby would have been born a few days ago.  It’s strange especially given that I’ve already done the parenting thing, I’m at the other end.  I didn’t really want to start over, but still I’m kinda sad thinking of what could have been...And also knowing that this is the end for me. I never had any more children by choice, now it’s no longer my choice, nature says it’s too late, it’s out of my control. That bothers me...

[Expectopatronus]

@Travelfan I understand wanting people to know this baby existed. Be gentle with yourself over the next few weeks. It’s okay to feel off. Make yourself a cup of tea, curl up with a soft blanket and give yourself permission to grieve. Sending you virtual, germ-free, socially distanced hugs. 

[Travelfan]

1 hour ago, Expectopatronus said:

@Travelfan I understand wanting people to know this baby existed. Be gentle with yourself over the next few weeks. It’s okay to feel off. Make yourself a cup of tea, curl up with a soft blanket and give yourself permission to grieve. Sending you virtual, germ-free, socially distanced hugs. 

Thanks, I appreciate it!  It’s weird to lose something you hadn’t necessarily wanted but then did really want. It’s confusing.  But I am a nanny so I do have an adorable little 6 month old to snuggle during the week (and give back on evenings and weekends ?)

[QuiverFullofBooks]

10 hours ago, LillyP said:

What I don't understand is when people have kids close in age and then need a shower for the second kid.

Every baby is a new person. How is child #2 supposed to feel when she looks at the photo albums and finds out that her older sibling deserved a party but she wasn’t important enough to get one?

[nausicaa]

45 minutes ago, QuiverFullofBooks said:

Every baby is a new person. How is child #2 supposed to feel when she looks at the photo albums and finds out that her older sibling deserved a party but she wasn’t important enough to get one?

My mother didn't have one for me since I was her third, and it doesn't bother me at all. I mean, that's just how life works; it's not a reflection on my value as a person or my parents' love for me. 

I'm not against sprinkles, but in my circle, baby showers are pretty big deals and the hostess normally pays a lot of money and puts in a lot of time to throw the party and most guests buy nice gifts. It seems like a lot to ask of people if you're going to have three or four kids. 

Most brides don't have bridal showers for their second marriages, and I don't think it means they love their husbands-to-be any less. If everyone is on board with multiple bridal/baby showers, that's fine; it's not my hill to die on. But I also understand that people have limited bandwidth. 

Edited April 14, 2021 by nausicaa

[Mrs Ms]

1 hour ago, QuiverFullofBooks said:

Every baby is a new person. How is child #2 supposed to feel when she looks at the photo albums and finds out that her older sibling deserved a party but she wasn’t important enough to get one?

Party? Yes, celebrate every child!

Shower? Seems pretty gift-grabby. 
 

Only my middle child “got” a shower. Two friends I made at the kindergarten my oldest went to insisted on throwing me one. I asked that exactly 4 friends be invited and made clear we needed absolutely nothing. 3 guests could make it. We had a lovely afternoon tea, I was gifted one little photo album, a baby bottle full of lollies for my oldest and a few lovely hand me downs. Absolute perfection. 
 

My oldest played with the daughter of the co-host and has never once complained on missing out in the ensuing 6 years ?‍♀️

Edited April 14, 2021 by Mrs Ms
Personal info

[SorenaJ]

in Denmark we don’t have baby showers, but a christening/blessing/baby naming ceremony is really common. Thr majority of babies are christened.
 

I don’t like the idea of getting gifts at a baby shower, because UK houses are tiny, and don’t have room for a lot of stuff. So the few things baby need, I’d prefer to buy myself, so I know I’d get what I wanted.
 

Also I’d probably just buy everything second hand, as it’s greener. 

[ophelia]

 

8 hours ago, just_ordinary said:

The idea of a sweet get together before the baby comes is nice though. But more in a tea and Chat kind of way. If there have to be gifts I do like the idea of gifting children’s books that had a lasting effect or feel like a must-have. Building a first set of books for the child is right up my alley. We had such a digital little get together just three weeks ago and everyone sent their book beforehand. 
If you want such a thing you would most definitely hint pretty hard to your friends. Organising it yourself would be seen as weird. 

That is such a sweet idea! Now I really want a book related shower ?

[Melissa1977]

7 hours ago, Travelfan said:

And also knowing that this is the end for me. I never had any more children by choice, now it’s no longer my choice, nature says it’s too late, it’s out of my control. That bothers me...

I have 2 kids by choice. I don't want more and getting pregnant would be bad for my physical and emotional health. This said, I understand you and I share that feeling of being out of control. Until now, that's me who has been in charge and says no to a new pregnancy, but soon it would be the Nature who says I'm no longer fertile. It's unfair (no, it's not unfair... but I feel it is).

[CarrotCake]

On the topic of registries for showers, I always wondered: do people actually give big gifts like carseats, strollers etc.? Or do they pitch in with a group. I just can't imagine spending that much money on babyshower gifts.

Here sometimes the parents give one big gift but for instance my parents gifted a playpen to my sister and now it will move to us so I will not get a big gift as well. Other family and friends just give a piece of clothing, a toy or a book after the baby is born (and now with the baby showers coming up you have to give two gifts  ).

[nausicaa]

1 hour ago, CarrotCake said:

On the topic of registries for showers, I always wondered: do people actually give big gifts like carseats, strollers etc.? Or do they pitch in with a group. I just can't imagine spending that much money on babyshower gifts. 

In my experience, the big gifts like that come from the grandparents to be. Sometimes several people will go in together for something bigger like that too.