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HerNameIsBuffy

Josiah & Lauren 17: Proud parents to Lauren's hat...and Bella

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Italiangirl

I personally would not even bother to listen to someone who tries to give me marriage advice before they themselves are married for like 5 years, at least they aren't dear friends and they come to me like "hey I know I've been married just a couple of years or but I think it could be better do this, this and this" or something like that, I could take advice from someone who isn't married but in a stable relationship from 3/4/5 years also. 

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Mama Mia

So interesting reading everyone’s different experiences and takes on marriage/childbearing ages! 

My family doesn’t do long term marriage well as a rule. Something sadly generational it seems. Bad communication skills? Poor impulse control?  Lack of role models? Willingness to move on if things aren’t right? General atmosphere of not considering marriage necessarily permanent? A combination? I really don’t know. 

I know everyone goes into it with high hopes of course and expecting until death do you part - and tries to work through things - but damn, we have a bad track record. And that seems regardless of age at marriage, length of time together first, etc.... Great grandma who got married a ton of times. One set of grandparents who were married multiple times - same with both my exes. My Parents ( born in the 40’s) and exeses parents ( born in the late 30’s )  - also multiple marriages / relationships.
My generation ( born in the 60’s ) divorces and / or multiple relationships w various kids. 1 - ONE! stable long term one time marriage with just their own kids out of the half dozen family members in my generation I can think of . 

My kids generation so far ( born ‘80-‘90) includes one stable long time marriage w kids, 3 divorces w kids, 1 long term stable relationship ( no marriage ) w kids, 1 very nice 2 nd marriage, 3 no marriage or kids yet. Their cousins And friends are along similar lines. 
 

Also, is getting married before you have the kids seen as a vital step where you are? Here it seems to be about 50/50 which comes 1st ( or at all ) . 
 

 

Edited by Mama Mia

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Shouldabeenacowboy
1 hour ago, Tangy Bee said:

Question for everyone. When is it appropriate to give marriage advice? 

In my opinion, only when solicited/ kindly requested by someone else. 

Never unsolicited. Each marriage or relationship is so different and unique!

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Daisy0322
3 hours ago, Tangy Bee said:

Question for everyone. When is it appropriate to give marriage advice? I remember Joy and Austin speaking at a marriage retreat, 2 months after they got married. I saw a clip if it and it looked like most of the people there were older. I remember being so pissed. What kind of advice does a 19 year old, whose only been married a couple of weeks have to offer people who have been married for years...probably before she had her 1st period. And yes I know everyone has something to offer regardless of age or experience. But a couple of weeks versus a couple of years??🤔

Well ideally just when asked. I’ve been married 4 years and my friends who are getting or have recently been married have asked me things. I see the value in asking people who’ve been married the same amount of time as you too. Different people have all different experiences. I’m not sure there’s a time frame. Although 2 months is kinda ridiculous considering they didn’t have a adult relationship prior to marriage. But I could see a newly married couple talking about transitioning into marriage. Even if you’ve been married 50 years it’s nice to reflect on your relationship and how you’ve grown. So I think it depends on the attitude about it. 

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viii

The only time I think it would be acceptable for a married couple under a year to be giving advice (when asked!) is to tell engaged couples how hard it can be in the early weeks/months. It's a huge adjustment to get married, and so I think it would be okay if married people helped in that regard. 

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Bad Wolf

I will have been married 45 years this October, and I'm not sure I would give anyone advice.

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Daisy0322
34 minutes ago, Bad Wolf said:

I will have been married 45 years this October, and I'm not sure I would give anyone advice.

Really?! I’d love to hear it. I’m sure in 45 years you have both experienced a lot together and individually. 

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LancetteShing99

We had a shotgun wedding beacause I was pregnant. Well, not really, but we were High School sweethearts and lived together for a long time. We were just to lazy to get married. When we found out that I was pregnant we finally had a reason to overcome our lazyness.

Marriage didn't change a thing for us. Well, not true, it changed my lastname and we started to wear wedding bands.

I don't think that anything in our live had devolped any different if we had married when we were 18.

I have also never seen the point of marriage advice. I never felt like I needed or could give any advise.

And finally another marriage story from my family: My mother got married in her 30s. Also because she was pregnant. But she wasn't pregnant from the man she married but from another guy. Today she is still married to the same man and they still live together, but she spends about half the year with the guy she was pregnant from. They reconnected about 20 years after their "oops-baby".

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Not that josh's mom

7 years married, 6 years a single mom, now married for 37 years. My only advice is to be honest, helpful and courteous to one another. Its working for us especially now that we are together all day every day. My husband is a kind, gentle man and I've rarely seen him lose his temper and I rarely do either. Not everyone is so lucky, I know. We are pretty boring. Not much advice in that, is there?

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mollysmom
On 9/16/2020 at 2:40 PM, Daisy0322 said:

My parents got married a year or so older than me but they never wanted kids until I was a surprise 7 years later. I always wanted a big family and I had an intuition I’d have a hard time getting pregnant. Guess what I was right I started menopause around the same time i got pregnant with my first at 24 which I was told was slim chances. Then they told me I wouldn’t be able to have another and when I called to say I was pregnant they said honey no your not. Finally they saw me when I was 10 weeks already. I’m still crushed it’s unlikely for me to have any more. I don’t think that influenced me though.

 

Wow! Menopause at 24?!? Wow! That's so sad. I'm really sorry you were dealt such shitty cards. I've never heard of anyone starting menopause that young! Last week I told my gyno that I think I'm starting menopause (I'm 43 and he all but laughed in my face and told me I'm way too young) Did your mom start menopause young? 

 

22 hours ago, Peaches-n-Beans said:

 

Me on the other hand, i'm 23 and I don't really even date. I don't really care to and I don't see myself getting married. I do see myself with a lot of Border Collies though :)

 

Sounds perfect to me!! 

Edited by mollysmom

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AussieKrissy
1 hour ago, LancetteShing99 said:

We had a shotgun wedding beacause I was pregnant. Well, not really, but we were High School sweethearts and lived together for a long time. We were just to lazy to get married. When we found out that I was pregnant we finally had a reason to overcome our lazyness.

Marriage didn't change a thing for us. Well, not true, it changed my lastname and we started to wear wedding bands.

I don't think that anything in our live had devolped any different if we had married when we were 18.

I have also never seen the point of marriage advice. I never felt like I needed or could give any advise.

And finally another marriage story from my family: My mother got married in her 30s. Also because she was pregnant. But she wasn't pregnant from the man she married but from another guy. Today she is still married to the same man and they still live together, but she spends about half the year with the guy she was pregnant from. They reconnected about 20 years after their "oops-baby".

ohh Interesting, so it is like she has two husbands? how do they feel about each other? how does her social circle judge or not judge her? how would she feel if either of the men got a women for the 6 months she was not with them? is it a consecutive 6 months or on and off? I have so many questions. I don't think it is a bad idea if it can work. I am kind of the belief that monogamy is a man made invention and goes against nature/evolution.

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mango_fandango

My mother has been with my dad since she was 19, over 30 years ago now. She had her first baby at 27 (me) and her second at 31 (with, sadly, a stillbirth in between). My parents weren’t going to get married, but then when Dad got ill they decided to, because my mother was a SAHM and she would have been screwed legally and financially if Dad had died. Dad is still alive, by the way.

My aunt and uncle also didn’t marry until they had their two kids. I don’t know why they didn’t get married until then, no illness or anything there. 
 

Me, I’m 25 and single, never had any kind of relationship or anything approaching one (thanks, social anxiety). I do feel like I am massively behind compared to everyone else my age. 

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Daisy0322
1 hour ago, mollysmom said:

 

Wow! Menopause at 24?!? Wow! That's so sad. I'm really sorry you were dealt such shitty cards. I've never heard of anyone starting menopause that young! Last week I told my gyno that I think I'm starting menopause (I'm 43 and he all but laughed in my face and told me I'm way too young) Did your mom start menopause young? 

No I got a genetic abnormality from my fathers side- it’s caused by incest at some point in past generations. Which is a real slap in the face because I’m a survivor of incest too. I don’t entirely understand it but I don’t feel bad because even my OB said she found it really complicated and didn’t really understand completely. She referred me to a geneticist but I don’t really see the point. It is what it is. I may also end up with a type of nervous system issue in my later years too, but it’s more common in men. 

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GuineaPigCourtship

I will give relationship advice to friends (my husband and I have been married 6 years this month) but I don't think I've ever given actual marriage advice.  Mostly it's about how husband and I overcame his anger management issues when we were first dating and how we manage to deal with arguments and support each other through rough patches in ways that work for us.  Not everyone is going to be the same, but I think the idea that it's okay to share the load and that there's many times a silver lining in even the most stressful times is universally welcome.

We're facing down potential unemployment because he works in the airline industry but he's been unemployed several times before and frankly when we talked about it we said "oh well, here we go again I guess".  The first time he was unemployed I thought the stress would kill me.  Now I just relish the prospect of having him home more even if it means tightening our belts, although of course I'd rather he keep the job he loves (and the income).

*ETA sorry guys, I'm not meaning to make anyone puke from the content but I'm going through an appreciative and loving phase during this part of pregnancy after going through a bitchy and threatening death frequently phase.

Edited by GuineaPigCourtship

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AussieKrissy
23 minutes ago, GuineaPigCourtship said:

I will give relationship advice to friends (my husband and I have been married 6 years this month) but I don't think I've ever given actual marriage advice.  Mostly it's about how husband and I overcame his anger management issues when we were first dating and how we manage to deal with arguments and support each other through rough patches in ways that work for us.  Not everyone is going to be the same, but I think the idea that it's okay to share the load and that there's many times a silver lining in even the most stressful times is universally welcome.

We're facing down potential unemployment because he works in the airline industry but he's been unemployed several times before and frankly when we talked about it we said "oh well, here we go again I guess".  The first time he was unemployed I thought the stress would kill me.  Now I just relish the prospect of having him home more even if it means tightening our belts, although of course I'd rather he keep the job he loves (and the income).

good luck and all the best 

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donnal

My man and I have been together for over 20 years now(I was in my teens when we got together), but have never had any intention of getting married or having babies.  We were both very clear about this from the beginning.  Only took our families about 10 years to get the message and stop asking 🙄

I do have a handful of friends who will come to me for relationship advice from time to time because I will be very objective and tell them if I think they're in the wrong or it's their partner's issue.  They know I'll be honest and objective and that's what they want.  I also have a couple of friends who don't come to me for the same reason.  Some girls just want you to always be on their side and back them up no matter what. As much as I try to be supportive, I won't lie if they point blank ask me and I think they're in the wrong in the situation. (Note, I would never tell them that unsolicited no matter what, but when they ask...🤷‍♀️)  I would never presume to hold any sort of relationship seminar or talk though with blanket advice.  That just seems weird to me.

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Expectopatronus

I’m on the “only when asked” side of the spectrum regarding marital advice unless it’s something pretty neutral ex) when to add spouse to healthcare plan etc. I’ve given generic parenting advice to bewildered looking moms-to-be who are discussing with someone whether to buy newborn or 0-3 months clothes. Buy a few preemie, newborn and 0-3 outfits but only wash the newborn and 0-3 ahead of time. If your baby, like mine, is under 6 lbs at birth, send someone to wash the preemie sleepers. If your kid is 6 lbs or more, return the tiny clothes. I learned the hard way that under 6 lbs kiddos leak out the sides of newborn diapers and swim in newborn clothes. I offer no advice on anything else because I have no right to tell someone else how to parent and my kiddo is 9 months-I’m still trying to figure out how to get her to go to sleep, stop pinching me etc. 

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Kailash

The older I get and the longer I’ve been married , the less confident I feel about giving marriage advice. Every situation is different. Every person is unique. What works for some is intolerable for others. Just one more thing fundies try to make “one size fits all”. 

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AmericanRose
Spoiler

 

Maternal Grandmother (1/1): Born 1934. Got married at 22, and had her 3 kids at 23, 29, and 32 (she also underwent a mastectomy at 26). Got divorced in her 50s and remarried a cousin's (widowed) husband shortly after.
Paternal Grandmother (9/10): Born 1932. Got married at 21, and had her 2 kids at 23 and 26.

Maternal Grandfather (1/5): Born 1936. Got married at 21, and had his 3 kids at 21, 27, and 30. Got divorced in his 50s, married his long-time mistress.
Paternal Grandfather (2/4): Born 1928. Got married at 25, and had his 2 kids at 26 and 29.

Mother (2/3): Born 1963. Got married at 20, had me at 21.
Father (2/2): Born 1958. Got married at 26, had me at 26.

Me (1/1): Born 1984. Single with no kids. I have 5 cousins, only 1 is married at this point.

 

My family tradition seems to be being pregnant at your wedding - at least, on my mom's side.

It's interesting to see the family size get smaller! The Duggars are the opposite...

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adidas

My husband and I met as teenagers, we’ve been married for nearly 24 years. The only advice I ever give is: don’t listen to any advice you are given. Every relationship is unique and while it’s nice that other people share ideas, take the love they offer and ditch everything else if it doesn’t feel right for you. 

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JanasTattooParlor

My fiancé and I have been together for 8 years and are getting married next month and I can’t even imagine giving marriage advice to people once we are married. I’ve given relationship advice occasionally to friends who are in newer relationships, mostly friends who ask why the relationship isn’t exciting anymore. The answer I always give: life isn’t always exciting and when you finally pass the honeymoon phase, that’s when the deep, committing partnership happens because there’s no way for life to always be exciting. We have our last pre-martial counseling session with our officiant tomorrow and it’s a session with him and his wife where we can ask them any marriage question we want to. They’ve been married 35+ years and I honestly don’t have a clue what to ask them. I feel like after 8 years with my fiancé and us getting to grow up together, since we started dating when we were 16, I feel like I don’t need advice since I know how our relationship works and how to deal with our problems. 

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Meggo
11 hours ago, Expectopatronus said:

I’m on the “only when asked” side of the spectrum regarding marital advice unless it’s something pretty neutral ex) when to add spouse to healthcare plan etc. I’ve given generic parenting advice to bewildered looking moms-to-be who are discussing with someone whether to buy newborn or 0-3 months clothes. Buy a few preemie, newborn and 0-3 outfits but only wash the newborn and 0-3 ahead of time. If your baby, like mine, is under 6 lbs at birth, send someone to wash the preemie sleepers. If your kid is 6 lbs or more, return the tiny clothes. I learned the hard way that under 6 lbs kiddos leak out the sides of newborn diapers and swim in newborn clothes. I offer no advice on anything else because I have no right to tell someone else how to parent and my kiddo is 9 months-I’m still trying to figure out how to get her to go to sleep, stop pinching me etc. 

Yeah - I wouldn't give marriage advice (because I don't know how it works either). 
And my parenting advice - when asked - is so basic and non judgy - that I feel totally fine offering it up. 

One - those weird shoulder flaps on baby tshirts? Are designed to go DOWN the babies body in case a diaper blow out. (I tell people this because I didn't know TILL we pulled a shirt off him after a blowout) 
Two - when someone gives you advice, smile & nod and move on. Some of it you might find helpful, and that's awesome. Some of it you might find ridiculous- and it will make you laugh in the middle of the night when you think about it. Win win. 

 

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LancetteShing99
20 hours ago, AussieKrissy said:

ohh Interesting, so it is like she has two husbands? how do they feel about each other? how does her social circle judge or not judge her? how would she feel if either of the men got a women for the 6 months she was not with them? is it a consecutive 6 months or on and off? I have so many questions. I don't think it is a bad idea if it can work. I am kind of the belief that monogamy is a man made invention and goes against nature/evolution.

I try to answer your questions the best I can.

For the sake of simplicity I will call the official husband Bill and the other guy Jack.

It is not a 6 consecutive months and I'm not sure if it really is 50/50. It's more like she usually lives with Bill and when she feels like it she moves to Jack for 3 or 6 or 10 weeks.

Bill obviously doesn't like Jack and is not really happy when my mom leaves, but he wants her to be happy more than anything else. Jack doesn't have strong feelings about Bill.

I'm not sure how my mom would react to other women but I think she wouldn't mind if Bill had another one but would probably get jealous if Jack had one.

Jack's family is despite their conservative, catholic upbringing very liberal and doesn't mind his lifestyle. The same goes for his friends.

Bill's family and friends as well as my mom's family and most of her friends are still more in the conservative catholic side. Many of them they haven't even told about their arrangement. For them my mom is with her sister/cousin/best friend, on vacation or something like that. I'm pretty sure most of them are already suspicious though.

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Sullie06

I've been married for 14.5 years, met my husband in HS. Got married when we were 21 and 23. I don't give marriage advice because I still feel like my marriage is a work in progress and every marriage is it's own unique entity. 

My sister and her husband were high school sweethearts as well. They had no intention of getting married. They had two children before they did. Then they started a business and realized it would be much easier if they were married so a couple years ago they just went down to the court house, with just two friends, and tied the knot. 

My parents were married while they were pregnant with me. They had dated for 5 years, lived together and already had a child who unfortunately passed away at 2 days old (she was born at 25 weeks.) After losing my sister my Mom didn't want to have kids anymore kids. My parents had no intention to get married. Then 2 years later they got pregnant with me and my Grandfather was not amused they were not married and having a second child. So they got married when my Mom was 4 months pregnant with me. They went on to have two more children and divorced when I was 12.

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Kelsey

After 15 years of marriage, the advice I give when asked if basically you need to work together as a team and figure out what works for you guys.

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