Maxwell 35: Choosing The Right Vest For an Extended Family Member

[JermajestyDuggar]

4 minutes ago, PennySycamore said:

Not much is more irritating to have led an LLL meeting and really need to pee after two hours and then have to wait to go until a 8 month old can finish using the only toilet in the store where we met. (Used all the TP, too.  Not a square to spare.)   It's not the child who is trained, but the mom.   Renowned pediatrician T Berry Brazelton was adamantly opposed to "elimination communication".  He pointed out in an interview on CNN that children needed the muscle control associated with walking in order to be really potty trained.  Babies, in general, are not bothered by diapers if they are changed often enough so they don't get rashy and aren't cold.

Mothers in the developing world might carry their babies in a sling so that they are intimately tuned to their babies' body rhythms and so get that baby to the toileting spot, but that's not cultural in the US.  My aunt jokes about giving  all her nieces Egyptian baby diapers when we had babies as Egyptian babies don't wear diapers.  That's just not going to work for most moms in the developed world, even if we're really in tune with our babies.  

 

I try very hard not to make comparisons to other countries when it comes to parenting. Because each country, culture, and history is different. It’s like comparing apples to dolphins. So when people say, “they do this in so and do country so you should too” I basically don’t take their argument into consideration. I think it’s great that other countries have figured out what type of parenting works best in their society. That doesn’t mean it will work well in ours too.

[Foudeb]

I read attachment parenting described as "telling parents it's OK to follow their instincts". As opposed to doing whatever well intentioned relatives, friends, peers etc tell you you should be doing. I like that. Pick and choose what works for you and tell everyone else to fuck off, that's my philosophy. If you're happy baby will be happy too. 

[Alisamer]

I think attachment parenting things like baby wearing and such are AWESOME. I used to be really into researching that back when I thought I'd have a kid someday.

But those things are only awesome IF THEY WORK FOR YOU.

I generally tend to think that as long as you're doing the best you can (not the best, but the best YOU can) it's nobody's business what that turns out to be as long as nobody's being harmed. 

I'm sometimes amazed at the similarities between really crunchy people and really fundie people. They both sometimes have that purity olympics thing going on and tend to judge people.

[JermajestyDuggar]

21 minutes ago, Foudeb said:

I read attachment parenting described as "telling parents it's OK to follow their instincts". As opposed to doing whatever well intentioned relatives, friends, peers etc tell you you should be doing. I like that. Pick and choose what works for you and tell everyone else to fuck off, that's my philosophy. If you're happy baby will be happy too. 

I would be cool with attachment parenting if that’s what it promoted. I can’t post links but attachment parenting wants you to do it their way. 

[Foudeb]

I know! And I never in a million years would have thought I'd become an attachment parent, and yet here I am, baby wearing, breastfeeding on demand, cloth nappying and all the works. I'm starting to walk like a duck and quack like a duck a bit too much to keep on denying that I'm a duck. 

It works for us though, and those attachment parenting arguments do come in handy to defend my choices, because no matter what you do you will get criticised. It's good to have a few go to come-backs to get people to back off. If you're not into attachment parenting just find something else to tell the annoying opinion-havers.  

The list of things of parenting things you really can't compromise on (don't shake the baby, don't feed them alcohol or drugs etc) is really very short and most people know this already. Everything else, breast or bottle, on demand or on routine, feed or pat to sleep, meh. No one cares, certainly not the baby who won't remember any of it. You will remember what you did though so it's probably best to pick whatever brings you joy and will make for the best memories. Regardless of what you do your baby will grow up so fast. 

[jegfile]

Spoiler

New post: If I'm staying with my parents (have done so because of medical and flood-related issues), sure, I chip in for the stuff I want to eat. If I was being held hostage, I think I would resent having to pay for food.

 

[JermajestyDuggar]

I especially like this part:

”We would also likely have a different approach if they weren’t wise in what they did with their money.”

We FJers know what this means. They would shame their adult children into changing their ways. 

I love how they mention coffee in particular. I bet Steve thinks coffee is Sarah, Mary, and Anna’s Pepsi.

[HerNameIsBuffy]

From the post

Quote

For those of you who have adult children living with you, how have you chosen to deal with covering the cost of groceries?

Well, Teri, since you asked.  I buy groceries for my family (2 adult sons still at home), but I avoid carrying them in the house as often as humanly possible.

If my kids want something special and put it on the list I'll pick it up, but sometimes they buy their own special items or treats.  We're wacky and spontaneous like that.

I will also occasionally pick up items in my grocery store not local to my daughter who lives in her own place in a state of sin with her BF.  Despite her worldliness and contrasting buttons the girl still has to eat.

From Teri

Quote

We are grateful that the Lord has provided the finances for us to be able to manage our food this way. We know that each one would pitch in with food expenses if that was necessary. We would also likely have a different approach if they weren’t wise in what they did with their money.

This entire paragraph applies to me as well.  Despite having gone to school and working, as well as a complete lack of Bible study,  I have considerate, responsible adult children as well.  Go figure.

 

 

 

[SassyPants]

2 hours ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

Unpopular opinion: 

Some of the crunchy attachment parenting stuff seems like it causes more stress to mom instead of less. Bed sharing, constant nursing on demand for older babies, and babywearing can cause more stress when the people who promote it seem to think it makes motherhood less stressful. I say this as someone who experienced the stress first hand. Bedsharing was stressful as fuck for me. I was afraid I would roll over on him even though he was an older baby. Room sharing was better but it still has its problems. I nursed my younger son on demand until he was 2. I let him nurse all the damn time and it was such a pain. Babywearing is good if it works for you. But my kids weren’t super into it. So a stroller and a bouncy seat worked much better. 

Basically you are still an attached parent if you have your kid sleep in his own bed from day one, use formula, and put your kid in a stroller instead of wearing him. 

My own daughter is crunchy. She lives outside the US (So America), where attachment parent is utilized. So, for various reasons, she has followed suit. She BF, Co-slept until age 5.5, baby wore until age 4 and her daughter sized out, BUT the reason most people in her new country and culture parent in this fashion is because life requires it. There is not enough space for cribs, strollers and little money for formula and household water is not potable. Most people in her country do not own cars, and buses and trolleys rule. This is not some elite parenting trend for many, it’s a necessity. My daughter owned a stroller, but she lives on a huge hill and for the first 2 years of her daughter’s life she had no car, so wearing was easier.

I baby wore my first, she loved it. My second was in that contraption, once. He hated it. I feel for women in my daughter’s country whose babies don’t like to be worn. Those babies are held, even on motorcycles.

 

You have to do what you have to do.

[Alisamer]

31 minutes ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

For those of you who have adult children living with you, how have you chosen to deal with covering the cost of groceries?

It's pretty funny Teri would post something like this, even just as a lead-in to explaining how their superior family handles things - considering that their family situation is so far out of the norm that what anyone else does probably wouldn't apply.

Surely they realize that most people who have adult children living with them (if they aren't working) encourage them to get real jobs with the intention of moving out on their own at some point. I'd bet most adult children living at home have jobs, or are looking for jobs, or are home for some specific reason such as caring for an ailing parent. The Maxwell girls are in a completely different situation! They're at home because they've been brainwashed by their parents into believing they have to be. 

Steve better not be dipping into the girls' money for groceries. If they'd chosen to live at home, sure, they should contribute financially. But they haven't chosen anything. They're kept there as free labor, and have been for decades in Sarah's case. 

[HerNameIsBuffy]

6 minutes ago, Alisamer said:

I'd bet most adult children living at home have jobs, or are looking for jobs, or are home for some specific reason such as caring for an ailing parent.

And I'd also be willing to bet that most adult kids living at home in a functional relationship with their parents are respected as adults.  Work, school, travel, social lives...whatever in whatever combo works.

When mine became adults we had a conversation about expectations.  I.e. I told them I understand they have social lives and will sometimes be spending the night elsewhere, but I still expect the courtesy of being told you're out for the night so I don't worry when I wake up middle of the night and you're not home.  They don't need permission and I don't judge, but I'm still mom and they won't age out of my right to worry so a quick text isn't too much to ask.

I think we did a pretty good job of navigating the whole treat them as the adults they are, but don't forget mom will always be mom so don't expect her to act like a uninterested bystander if you look like you need something.  

 

[nausicaa]

Just now, HerNameIsBuffy said:

I told them I understand they have social lives and will sometimes be spending the night elsewhere, but I still expect the courtesy of being told you're out for the night so I don't worry when I wake up middle of the night and you're not home.  They don't need permission and I don't judge, but I'm still mom and they won't age out of my right to worry so a quick text isn't too much to ask.

My mom was the same when I lived at home in my twenties. I never had to ask permission for anything; she was just like "don't make me wonder if you're dead under a bridge somewhere while I'm trying to watch NCIS" and a quick text or heads up did the trick. In return, she was also good about not asking a bunch of follow up questions.

I'm sure she knew some of the times I was "going out with a friend" I was going on a date, but she knew to stay out of my business. I also had a full-time job, my own bank accounts, paid rent, and had my own hobbies and religious beliefs. 

The Maxwells on the other hand have spy software on their 38 year old daughter's computer for "accountability"...

[0 kids n not countin]

Hmm, why no birthday wishes for Axton?????

[HerNameIsBuffy]

1 minute ago, nausicaa said:

In return, she was also good about not asking a bunch of follow up questions.

That's the key.  

[Katzchen24]

1 hour ago, Alisamer said:

Surely they realize that most people who have adult children living with them (if they aren't working) encourage them to get real jobs with the intention of moving out on their own at some point. I'd bet most adult children living at home have jobs, or are looking for jobs, or are home for some specific reason such as caring for an ailing parent. The Maxwell girls are in a completely different situation! They're at home because they've been brainwashed by their parents into believing they have to be. 

Steve better not be dipping into the girls' money for groceries. If they'd chosen to live at home, sure, they should contribute financially. But they haven't chosen anything. They're kept there as free labor, and have been for decades in Sarah's case. 

Another very common reason which would NEVER apply in Maxhell is adult kids returning home temporarily after the breakup of a relationship. That can bring it's own financial and emotional problems, as well as the possibility of providing accommodation for any children of the relationship.

I don't understand how the Spinster Sisters would even earn income. Maybe Sarah earns a small amount from the Moody books, but the other two? Also, if Stevehovah has control of their income - which totally wouldn't surprise me - then that just another form of abuse. Economic abuse is a very real way of controlling your troublous wimmenfolks.

24 minutes ago, nausicaa said:

The Maxwells on the other hand have spy software on their 38 year old daughter's computer for "accountability"...

WOT?? I missed that. Can you please point me in the direction of the source (it's not that I don't believe you, because I do, it's just I want to see how the info is presented with my own two horrified eyes).

Edited January 29, 2020 by Katzchen24

[freejugar]

I would love to see how money is distributed.

Do Sarah's book sells go directly to her account or through Steve who rations it?

I think the aunts work at their brothers' it companies, I wonder if they get a fixed salary or what?

Jesse must make a ton more money than the girls, does he get to save it up? or does Steve force him to buy a house?

[HerNameIsBuffy]

6 minutes ago, freejugar said:

or does Steve force him to buy a house?

He already bought the house and his sisters with the servants hearts helped him remodel it.  

[freejugar]

2 minutes ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

He already bought the house and his sisters with the servants hearts helped him remodel it.  

I hope he paid them for their labor 

[HerNameIsBuffy]

4 minutes ago, freejugar said:

I hope he paid them for their labor 

I'm guessing if anyone were paid for the labor of those women it was Steve.  Their owner.

[nausicaa]

Just now, Katzchen24 said:

WOT?? I missed that. Can you please point me in the direction of the source (it's not that I don't believe you, because I do, it's just I want to see how the info is presented with my own two horrified eyes).

I totally understand. I thought I had seen it all with Steve, but was still gobsmacked by this. 

This is their post in April 2018 recommending this "accountability software" to avoid looking at porn. Teri admits it sends a "daily report" about the activity on each device. She claims in the comments her adult children have "chosen" () to have Teri as their accountability partner.

So yeah, 38 year old Sarah Maxwell can't do a damn Google search about yeast infections or try to find local hot cops into denim skirts and homemade bread without her mother and father knowing:

daily https://blog.titus2.com/2018/04/23/accountable2you-internet-protection-we-recommend/

Here is our shocked/infuriated reaction to these crazy people:

 

Edited January 29, 2020 by nausicaa

[HerNameIsBuffy]

9 minutes ago, nausicaa said:

She claims in the comments her adult children have "chosen" () to have Teri as their accountability partner.

Fwiw if my adult kids asked me to be their accountability partner like this I'd be really concerned and the conversation would be about why on earth they wanted this.

If it was just for normal healthy adult stuff...no thanks.  You can't pay me enough to give me one more thing to keep track of.

I would serious money the real reason for this accountability software is because Steve doesn't trust himself and can't admit it by Teri only checking his device.  So he brings everyone into his circle of hell.

Rule after rule just convinces me more their whole set up is to protect Steve from his own lust for other women.

[FloraDoraDolly]

3 hours ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

Fwiw if my adult kids asked me to be their accountability partner like this I'd be really concerned and the conversation would be about why on earth they wanted this.

If it was just for normal healthy adult stuff...no thanks.  You can't pay me enough to give me one more thing to keep track of.

I would serious money the real reason for this accountability software is because Steve doesn't trust himself and can't admit it by Teri only checking his device.  So he brings everyone into his circle of hell.

Rule after rule just convinces me more their whole set up is to protect Steve from his own lust for other women.

I can see where a sex addict or someone who is addicted to porn might want this kind of assistance, something akin to an AA sponsor. But it shouldn't be the person's spouse or the kids (even the adult kids). It should be a professional, or someone from a support group. And the family members who do not share this addiction shouldn't have to be similarly monitored.

[mango_fandango]

7 hours ago, 0 kids n not countin said:

Hmm, why no birthday wishes for Axton?????

They almost never make a birthday post for “extended family” members. It has occasionally been done, though, like when Nathan turned forty. 

[HerNameIsBuffy]

23 minutes ago, mango_fandango said:

They almost never make a birthday post for “extended family” members. It has occasionally been done, though, like when Nathan turned forty. 

They are such poops!

[theologygeek]

On 1/28/2020 at 7:32 PM, FloraDoraDolly said:

I don't know about "strained", but it's fairly obvious that Joseph, Elissa, and their kids aren't around as much as the other Extended Maxwells. Maybe they actually have (((gasp))) friends?

Even if they're not around that much, they're still around sometimes.  It takes two seconds to ask if they are doing the C/K sound for names.  It's odd to me that no one in that family thought to ask.  What on earth do they all talk about?