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Anna Marie has Breast Cancer


deborahlynn1979

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5 hours ago, albireo said:

I'm sad for her because, well, cancer sucks. I would rather see fewer people having cancer than more, no matter who they are. All other things held constant, of course.

Cancer sucks balls. It literally takes over your life. The doctors' appointments take over your life. Forget what YOU want, you're at the mercy of appointment schedulers, not just doctors. Weeks of early morning radiation treatments, days of sitting at the oncology infusion center feeling like shit and bored out of your skull. I understand breast cancer treatment is brutal, painful and long. I have friends who are survivors but they went through a war to get to the other side. Mr. Xtian had fast growing, untreated lung cancer, he lived about 7 1/2 months from diagnosis to death. I don't know which one would be worse...

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17 hours ago, Mela99 said:


I wish those oily people could be arrested for impersonating doctors and attempting to offer medical advice without a license.

YES! Same as these frauds working in so-called pro-life pregnancy centers and pretending to give women info while only gaslighting them into keeping a pregnancy at any cost. 

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Train meals. I understand the concept and I'm sure it helps. But no thank you. Maybe I live in a spoiled social circle, but I don't see people willing to accept food cooked by different people, with their different cooking styles and of course different cleaning standards.

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53 minutes ago, Melissa1977 said:

Train meals. I understand the concept and I'm sure it helps. But no thank you. Maybe I live in a spoiled social circle, but I don't see people willing to accept food cooked by different people, with their different cooking styles and of course different cleaning standards.

Even still, I would have loved if my church had had a meal train after my babies were born.  I remember arriving home from the hospital with my newborn, already exhausted, and seeing a bouquet of flowers on the porch. The church had sent flowers.  I remember wishing it were food, instead!

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1 hour ago, Melissa1977 said:

Train meals. I understand the concept and I'm sure it helps. But no thank you. Maybe I live in a spoiled social circle, but I don't see people willing to accept food cooked by different people, with their different cooking styles and of course different cleaning standards.

As a healthy person I would agree with this, but for a family in crisis, with limited time, an acutely ill family member, lots of  young kids, And not an abundance of money, I’m sure that thinking has to go out the window. Survival mode changes everything.

10 hours ago, Baxter said:

@Eternalbluepearl I completely understand where you are coming from. The Maxwell's really only care about themselves and would be happy to take rights away from other people. For me it comes down to the fact that all those kids could be left without a mother and even though she wouldn't be my ideal of a mother, I think her kids are better off with her than without her. 

Also, maybe this illness, and how Anna Marie is treated ( physically, mentally, emotionally) by “others” ( medical, spiritual, psycho/ social),  could have a lastly effect on many of the Maxwells. Maybe this will finally prove to some of these adults that it does take a village and community beyond Steve, and that there are many, many, maaaaannnnnny good, decent, loving, smart and giving people who are willing to help a woman and her family heal. Maybe that lightbulb will turn on in at least one of those adults’ heads?

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1 hour ago, Melissa1977 said:

Train meals. I understand the concept and I'm sure it helps. But no thank you. Maybe I live in a spoiled social circle, but I don't see people willing to accept food cooked by different people, with their different cooking styles and of course different cleaning standards.

I used to think this way* but then I broke my foot. I was so grateful at not having to cook for myself that I no longer cared that normally it wasn’t food I would eat. I remember the food people brought tasting so good and feeling incredibly grateful.

 

*I still try not to think about the possible lack of cleanliness of people’s kitchens and I tend not to eat much at potlucks for this very reason. 

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1 hour ago, Melissa1977 said:

Train meals. I understand the concept and I'm sure it helps. But no thank you. Maybe I live in a spoiled social circle, but I don't see people willing to accept food cooked by different people, with their different cooking styles and of course different cleaning standards.

Do you never eat a meal at someone else's house?

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1 hour ago, Melissa1977 said:

Train meals. I understand the concept and I'm sure it helps. But no thank you. Maybe I live in a spoiled social circle, but I don't see people willing to accept food cooked by different people, with their different cooking styles and of course different cleaning standards.

I was a part of meal trains for awhile. New babies, deaths, illnesses...we'd deliver dinner (with enough for leftovers) for weeks in some cases. Not a single person turned up their nose. I would have loved that when David was so sick...but it didn't happen for me. Oh well. 

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8 minutes ago, feministxtian said:

Not a single person turned up their nose. 

That's because most people aren't assholes and understand how to respond to a gift. 

I can't imagine how rude someone would have to be to turn down homemade food because they assume no one's kitchen is up to their standard. My kitchen is the cleanest room in the house. We both are certified in food safety. And we enjoy cooking for other people and are good at it. (Him more than me.) I guess some people just don't like it when others do nice things for them. Maybe they weren't raised correctly or something. 

For the record, I would have brought you our enchiladas and whatever else you've mentioned is something you enjoy. 

There were a couple of things that my friends loved that I make, but I wouldn't make for them when pregnant, lol. Probably the same way with chemo. 

 

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8 hours ago, usmcmom said:

Our churches were really good at meals when we had our kids too. It is such a relief to know supper is taken care of for a week or so.  When our first was born, we were the only “young” couple in the church and we were completely spoiled for two weeks! These amazing women who could have been our grandmothers just kept bringing in home cooked meals. We had enough leftovers to freeze several days’ worth of food.  We were at a different church when our daughter was born and had meals brought to us for a week.  It was wonderful. 
 

I gotta say, that was one of my favorite “ministries” to serve on also. It was years ago for me and we called it...”Taking Meals” ? If there was time, someone would announce at church what family needed meals and for what dates.  There would be a sign up sheet on the bulletin board.  If it was more of an emergency, someone would just start calling people.  My kids always loved it when I “took a meal” cause I always made dessert for the family in need and my kids would get some too. 

I no longer feel envious when I hear of communities like this, just wistful. Growing up in large (500 families) churches where 3 and 4 services were led every weekend to accommodate everybody, there were never, never organized acts of kindness like this. 

Just because #curiosity, could I ask about your congregations? Size, denomination, rural / suburban / urban?  Thanks in advance. #MayberryStateOfMind

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6 minutes ago, Maggie Mae said:

That's because most people aren't assholes and understand how to respond to a gift. 

I can't imagine how rude someone would have to be to turn down homemade food because they assume no one's kitchen is up to their standard. My kitchen is the cleanest room in the house. We both are certified in food safety. And we enjoy cooking for other people and are good at it. (Him more than me.) I guess some people just don't like it when others do nice things for them. Maybe they weren't raised correctly or something. 

For the record, I would have brought you our enchiladas and whatever else you've mentioned is something you enjoy. 

There were a couple of things that my friends loved that I make, but I wouldn't make for them when pregnant, lol. Probably the same way with chemo. 

 

TBH, most restaurant kitchens are probably dirtier than mine. I'm not the world's greatest housekeeper, but my kitchen and bathrooms are pristine. I worked in food service for quite a while and take that shit seriously. But, if you don't want my food because it was made in my kitchen, that's your loss. I'll happily take it home and eat it. 

Oh, if you're afraid of mold, mildew and germs, don't EVER get ice at any restaurant, skip the lemon wedges too. Ice machines are rarely cleaned and sanitized. The lemon wedges, cherries, lime slices are all left out in the open. You don't know if flies have been around, if the fruit has been held at a healthy temperature. So...you can turn your nose up at my grub or get some disease from a restaurant. 

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One of my siblings was born at 22 weeks gestation(miraculously she lived with only minor cerebral palsy deficits).  My parent’s church fed us for eight weeks straight.  No one expected my sister to survive at all for the first few months and my parents were incredibly grateful to not have to worry about making dinner.  ’m sure it helped financially too.  It wasn’t a big congregation—maybe 200 people at most.  But they fed us for months.  Not all of the food was what we loved, maybe, but when you’re in crisis mode It doesn’t matter.

When my own baby was in the NICU for months, after I had spent six weeks either in the hospital or on bedrest, I was actually sad no one brought dinner and there was no organized community support like my parents had.  We don’t attend church, so I understand we’ve given up some of those community aspects, but I would have gratefully accepted any help offered.  There just wasn’t any.

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51 minutes ago, HereticHick said:

Do you never eat a meal at someone else's house?

I'm not Melissa, but if I'm at someone's house I can see how clean the kitchen is.  

I don't do potlucks and am a pretty picky eater so the odds of my liking something someone who doesn't know me well made for me are really slim.  

When my mom was sick and people (in the family) did this for us I appreciated the sentiment, but I was also grateful that we weren't in such financial straights that it was necessary to eat it.

33 minutes ago, feministxtian said:

So...you can turn your nose up at my grub or get some disease from a restaurant. 

Why are you taking this personally?  No one was talking about food from your kitchen, just a conversation in general that some people are uncomfortable with food if we don't know the environment.   The comment wasn't about you.

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2 minutes ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

I'm not Melissa, but if I'm at someone's house I can see how clean the kitchen is.  

I don't do potlucks and am a pretty picky eater so the odds of my liking something someone who doesn't know me well made for me are really slim.  

When my mom was sick and people (in the family) did this for us I appreciated the sentiment, but I was also grateful that we weren't in such financial straights that it was necessary to eat it.

When people are in crisis, it’s not just money,  but also time and the inclination to plan, shop, prepare, and clean up after multiple meals a day.

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46 minutes ago, Maggie Mae said:

I can't imagine how rude someone would have to be to turn down homemade food because they assume no one's kitchen is up to their standard. My kitchen is the cleanest room in the house. We both are certified in food safety. And we enjoy cooking for other people and are good at it. (Him more than me.) I guess some people just don't like it when others do nice things for them. Maybe they weren't raised correctly or something. 

Wow.  

To the bolded - not everyone needs the same type of assistance in a crisis.  That's why it's lovely to offer, but if politely declining makes someone an asshole to you I'd say that's on you, not them.

I doubt very much people are showing up with casserole dishes in hand without the recipients agreeing to that.  And frankly, it's because I was raised correctly that I would politely decline while thanking them for thinking of me, rather than say yes as to spare their feelings and toss it.

I was raised that you can say no to almost anything as long as you do it politely with appreciation for the thought.  

But then, guess I'm an asshole so what do I know.

 

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42 minutes ago, MamaJunebug said:

Just because #curiosity, could I ask about your congregations? Size, denomination, rural / suburban / urban?  Thanks in advance. #MayberryStateOfMind

Sure.  The first congregation was VERY small - maybe 75 people. Most of them were older than we - probably in their sixties and seventies. The second was small, with about 150 members.  These were both Church or Christ congregations, in small town Midwest.  I too am wistful for that kind of community right now.  
 

I have also been part of meal trains outside of church. I don’t know if it is regional but, it was just a given, when someone was in crisis, someone would say “I’ll get the meals arranged.” 

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49 minutes ago, MamaJunebug said:

 

Just because #curiosity, could I ask about your congregations? Size, denomination, rural / suburban / urban?  Thanks in advance. #MayberryStateOfMind

I'm Unitarian, congregation size is about 200, suburban. And we definitely do meals for our fellow UUs when needed, but of course the person would be asked first.

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Does anybody else take food to a family who just had a loved one pass away? Not meals, but food to feed the family that will be coming in, to help with those first hectic days?
I grew up seeing that happen too.  Someone in the community died and everyone just dropped by with a casserole, a plate of cookies, a plate of fried chicken. 
When my dad died, I knew we would not have family arriving to stay with us but, when a few friends offered to bring meals, I was so touched and I definitely accepted.  It was very helpful and, seeing my friends for a few minutes when they dropped things off was nice.  

When my in-laws died, our friends knew that our kids and their spouses would be arriving from out of -state.  We were not part of a church at the time, but the meals happened.  Our neighbor, a single man who does not cook, called and said he was on his way to the local spaghetti/sandwich shop to pick up our supper.  He arrived with sacks and sacks of takeout for six adults. We had meals brought to us for about four days after each of my husband’s parents died.

 

 

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22 minutes ago, HereticHick said:

Do you never eat a meal at someone else's house?

Or had a hot dog at a 7-11?  ?

(I do know a lot of people who don't eat food at potlucks. But I feel the world is made to be a pretty dirty place in general and it's best just to not think too much about it.)

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Just now, nausicaa said:

Or had a hot dog at a 7-11?  ?

(I do know a lot of people who don't eat food at potlucks. But I feel the world is made to be a pretty dirty place in general and it's best just to not think too much about it.)

Yep, and a little dirt is actually good for most*of us, and helps to build up our immunities to the evils of the outside world.

* there are obvious exceptions.

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Just now, usmcmom said:

Does anybody else take food to a family who just had a loved one pass away? Not meals, but food to feed the family that will be coming in, to help with those first hectic days?

I was the nanny for a family back in college and the husband underwent chemo. Several moms from the daughter's small private school brought dinners over unprompted after they found out. Some were homemade casseroles but most were takeout they'd picked up from local restaurants. It was nice. Especially for me since the servings were too large and I got the leftovers...

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20 minutes ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

Wow.  

To the bolded - not everyone needs the same type of assistance in a crisis.  That's why it's lovely to offer, but if politely declining makes someone an asshole to you I'd say that's on you, not them.

No, that's fine to decline respectfully. It just seems like people are so cold hearted these days. Melissa basically implied that anything she doesn't personally make or choose isn't worth thinking about. 

20 minutes ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

I doubt very much people are showing up with casserole dishes in hand without the recipients agreeing to that.  And frankly, it's because I was raised correctly that I would politely decline while thanking them for thinking of me, rather than say yes as to spare their feelings and toss it.

In these cases it's rarely about the food. Dropping by with a casserole is about checking in and making sure they don't need anything else - someone to do the dishes, a helping hand. The casserole (or cookies, bread, whatever) is a conversation opening. Sending someone away with a curt "no, I don't eat homemade food" seems so harsh to someone who took the time to care about another human being. 

 

20 minutes ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

I was raised that you can say no to almost anything as long as you do it politely with appreciation for the thought.  

But then, guess I'm an asshole so what do I know.

No one said you're an asshole. Or if I did, I didn't mean to and I'm sorry. I don't think you're an asshole and I understand that you are a picky eater. 

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@MamaJunebug, my tiny UU church (~85 members, an average of ~40 in attendance on Sundays) does this regularly. Because we have a half-time minister, whom we share with our sister congregation, we’ve started a lay pastoral care team, arranging things like cards and visits to people who are homebound or ill, and arranging meals for folks who need them.

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5 minutes ago, Maggie Mae said:

No, that's fine to decline respectfully. It just seems like people are so cold hearted these days. Melissa basically implied that anything she doesn't personally make or choose isn't worth thinking about. 

In these cases it's rarely about the food. Dropping by with a casserole is about checking in and making sure they don't need anything else - someone to do the dishes, a helping hand. The casserole (or cookies, bread, whatever) is a conversation opening. Sending someone away with a curt "no, I don't eat homemade food" seems so harsh to someone who took the time to care about another human being. 

 

No one said you're an asshole. Or if I did, I didn't mean to and I'm sorry. I don't think you're an asshole and I understand that you are a picky eater. 

I would agree sending someone away with a curt no would be rude...no one should be rude to anyone extending a kindness.  

I guess for me...and I'm clearly an outlier in many things...but when I'm in crisis mode I'm doing everything I can to hold it together.  Adding the social anxiety I experience when people want to help in ways that aren't helpful is so stress inducing for me, even though I do genuinely appreciate the sentiment.

Four days before my mom died of cancer I lost a baby at 19+ weeks.  I had 19 gallons of post partum hormones running through me for a baby I would never know.  I weighed every word that came out of my mouth to my mom's family and her "church family" (fundy lite) because I was on the verge of completely losing my shit.  My then mother in law did the kindest thing anyone had ever done for me...

She ran interference.  She politely declined casseroles, she stepped in to steer me away when yet another stranger wanted to hug me.  My mother was a nurse for a geriatric clinic and beloved so there was literally a sea of old people we've never met wanting to share their grief.  

I couldn't handle my own grief, much less anyone else's.  It physically hurt to look at my siblings because their pain and loss was palpable and amplified my own.  

It was wonderful she was so loved that they turned out.  The loss and love on their faces for her has stayed with me but at the time...interference and a buffer was what I needed.  

I guess what I'm trying to say is kindness is a wonderful thing and when people extend themselves to be there for each other it's the best of human nature.  But sometimes things offered in love aren't what the recipient needs atm and that's okay.  It doesn't diminish the kindness.

My weird food issues go back to when I was a toddler and are pretty severe.  The time for me to tackle those, or my thoughts on germy kitchens or whatever, will never be when I'm in a crisis.  In a crisis I'm clinging to my ridiculous rules and very limited comfort zone to try to stay emotionally safe until things settle.

Didn't mean to ramble - just wanted to explain I'm not dismissing the concept, I do think it's a very kind gesture for those for whom it would help...but just that those who would opt out of receiving aren't necessarily jerks and are just trying to survive a very difficult time in life.

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I'm going to go with @HerNameIsBuffy and @Melissa1977 on this one.  

I have always been skeptical about eating food that other people prepare, simply because I've seen the way my own mother now keeps her kitchen, and dear lord...just no.  Let's face it- lots of folks have poor hygiene, and even worse housekeeping standards.

My MIL is pretty bad too- she keeps a clean kitchen, but is of the mind that food can sit out for the entire day, and then be tossed in the fridge and served again.  She'll do that for days on end.  She and FIL are constantly getting "stomach viruses", but everyone knows that they are just making themselves sick with their own food.  It's ridiculous.   

Now, I am even more particular, because I was diagnosed with diabetes about a year and a half back.  The plan of attack was to control every single thing that went into my mouth and hopefully, go off the medication.  After 3 months of eating like that, it worked and my A1C was normal.  

At this point, my husband and I count every calorie we eat, and quantify every recipe we prepare.  We take it very seriously, because it completely turned both of our health around.  We have no problem visiting others, but we don't eat their food (that includes family), and we won't eat anything from a restaurant.  

Is it extreme?  Sure.  Are we willing to do it for our health?  Absolutely. 

I would never be rude to anyone who brought us food.  I would thank them profusely for thinking of us.  Then, I'd toss it in the trash the moment the door closed behind them.

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