Anna Marie has Breast Cancer

[dawbs]

Re: meal trains; can't ever have one cuz I KNOW my autistic kid would forget that people aren't aware of her sensory/food issues and how polite fictions/ white lies work and she'll offend someone.  Which would be mortifying/ hilarious 

 

Also, someone I know just flew cross-country to stay with her kids/grandkids for a health emergency. Halfway through a day, she was literally headed out the door, taking the grandkids to their stuff (piano lessons and gymnastics or whatever) and people showed up.

A well intentioned group of folx took it upon themselves to have a catered meal for the family show up (with extra food) ...but didn't bother to find out when would be good.

(Nanna had them cater it directly into the fridge and was irritated as heck)

[nausicaa]

Steve's attitude to the military is actually one of the few things I begrudgingly respect him for. 

1. In Vietnam, he actually did step up and serve. (I have no issue with doves avoiding service, especially in Vietnam, but do have a problem with war hawks like Ted Nugent and Trump who avoided putting their own asses on the line while flippantly sending others to the front lines. This includes people who consistently vote for very pro-war candidates.)

2. Despite having served, IIIRC, he's never been some outspoken war hawk. He also doesn't cosplay about military matters or glamorize war or guns in general, like Doug Phillips or some of the Botkin sons. Yet he earned the right to do those things with far less hypocrisy than someone like Dougie. 

[Caroline]

8 hours ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

I would agree sending someone away with a curt no would be rude...no one should be rude to anyone extending a kindness.  

I guess for me...and I'm clearly an outlier in many things...but when I'm in crisis mode I'm doing everything I can to hold it together.  Adding the social anxiety I experience when people want to help in ways that aren't helpful is so stress inducing for me, even though I do genuinely appreciate the sentiment.

Four days before my mom died of cancer I lost a baby at 19+ weeks.  I had 19 gallons of post partum hormones running through me for a baby I would never know.  I weighed every word that came out of my mouth to my mom's family and her "church family" (fundy lite) because I was on the verge of completely losing my shit.  My then mother in law did the kindest thing anyone had ever done for me...

She ran interference.  She politely declined casseroles, she stepped in to steer me away when yet another stranger wanted to hug me.  My mother was a nurse for a geriatric clinic and beloved so there was literally a sea of old people we've never met wanting to share their grief.  

I couldn't handle my own grief, much less anyone else's.  It physically hurt to look at my siblings because their pain and loss was palpable and amplified my own.  

It was wonderful she was so loved that they turned out.  The loss and love on their faces for her has stayed with me but at the time...interference and a buffer was what I needed.  

I guess what I'm trying to say is kindness is a wonderful thing and when people extend themselves to be there for each other it's the best of human nature.  But sometimes things offered in love aren't what the recipient needs atm and that's okay.  It doesn't diminish the kindness.

My weird food issues go back to when I was a toddler and are pretty severe.  The time for me to tackle those, or my thoughts on germy kitchens or whatever, will never be when I'm in a crisis.  In a crisis I'm clinging to my ridiculous rules and very limited comfort zone to try to stay emotionally safe until things settle.

Didn't mean to ramble - just wanted to explain I'm not dismissing the concept, I do think it's a very kind gesture for those for whom it would help...but just that those who would opt out of receiving aren't necessarily jerks and are just trying to survive a very difficult time in life.

Thanks for telling your story.  And how awful to lose a baby at the same time you're losing your mother.  I can't imagine the horror of that. I'm so sorry for both of your losses.   I too have a very strange relationship with food.  I'm not sure why, but it's my reality.  I look for any possible way to avoid eating at other people's homes unless I know them really well and they know (and accept)  my quirks about food. (Not eating at other people's homes has nothing to do with cleanliness for me.)  I have some theories about why I don't like what most people do, but it would be too complicated to explain here.  It's tough when people think you're childish, attention-seeking, etc. if you don't enjoy or welcome food in the same way as most people across cultures do.    I completely see the love when people  prepare food for others, but I can't seem to get beyond my own weirdness about it.    I want so much to not be so abnormal about something as commonplace and necessary as food.

[KnittingOwl]

2 hours ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

Not too bold at all!  I miss my car always being full of gas without my ever having to think about it, and I miss having someone onto whom I can pawn off the phone calls I don't want to make.

I hate the phone...so calling for a washer repair or to make an appointment with the tax accountant...ugh.  

I'm sure I'd miss more if I had good marriages, but I didn't so that's all I got!

I hate making those calls! Sadly my husband does, too, so I usually suck it up and schedule doctor appointments for the kids and cats and house stuff. I make him call restaurants though. 

[Lady Grass Lake]

I found one of easiest things to bring, and greatly appreciated is sandwich fixings, different kinds of deli meats, sliced cheeses, an assortment of rolls and breads and condiments.  If they have other visitors, they can offer to pull it out and everyone can make themselves sandwiches.   You can also throw in some containers of deli salads like macaroni salad or slaws, or some chips.  

Offer to do cleaning, laundry, help kids with homework, or offer to take them to a movie, run errands, walk pets.    

[church_of_dog]

6 hours ago, Alisamer said:

I believe it was mentioned he was stationed in an area where it was common for prostitutes to put the toothpaste on their customers' toothbrushes, if I remember correctly.

That has GOT to be a euphemism for something else...  

[SoSoNosy]

Oh. My.  That is hilarious.  What a habit to bring home to Teri.

[Bethy]

On 1/14/2020 at 6:33 PM, SassyPants said:

Doesn’t Anna’s family in Washington state? Does she have anyone closer by? It’s lofty to think that her family could drop everything and focus on Anna, but in reality that is not often the case. I have a daughter Anna Marie’s age and when she was sick and hospitalized off and on for 2 months after she had her daughter, I spent a lot of time with her, and  taking care of baby. After the second hospital admission and eventual surgery, I quit my job, a luxury most people do not have. Obviously, my husband had to remain at home to work. 

Let's not forget that beyond the distance and travel constraints, this is a belief system in which the "ownership" of Anna Marie was transferred to Christopher. In their world, she doesn't belong to her parents anymore.

[scoutsadie]

When my mom died, a friend had the nearest Publix deliver a bunch of snack items, figuring we would have out-of-town guests coming by. Very useful and kind.

[Leftitinmysnood]

I have arranged and received many a meal train. Our old church usually did meals every other day for 2 weeks for new moms and those who were ill or had surgery. That gave a chance for their families, other friends, etc, to being food, or they could have leftovers from a previous day or just eat home food. We have a restaurant in town that makes casseroles for pick up and I was brought several of those, one guy brought us breakfast in the morning once, it was all pretty good, except the one baby when it seemed like everyone brought broccoli cheese casserole. I arranged a meal train for a celiac friend, too. We curated the delivery list and provided people with the names of restaurants that made gf meals, if they didn't want to try and cook. My favorite was always the teriyaki chicken and rice one lady always made and the kids loved it.

As for long nails on nurses, I've never forgotten the accidental AROM (artificial rupture of membranes) I witnessed in nursing school, caused by the delivery nurse's long, blue artificial nails. Just no.

[VVV]

7 hours ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

Roast is a good idea.  I'd think along the lines of a pot roast with roasted potatoes and carrots, meatloaf, stew...stuff that's easy to heat up and freezes well.   Nothing where the sauce can get fussy if not reheated just so.

I'd stay away from lasagnas because if my experience is anything to go by they'll already have 6 of them.

Unrelated to helping others, but I only miss 3 things about being married and cooking for someone is one of them.  

I was once part of a meal train for a church friend who had had a mastectomy due to breast cancer...I brought a slow cooker pot roast with carrots and potatoes to her family. She nearly kissed me, she was so happy to see something that wasn't a casserole. On another occasion I took a slow cooker chicken recipe to a different friend who was recovering from surgery, and they asked for the recipe. I like doing slow cooker food for a couple of reasons: I seldom have time to cook at the usual dinner preparation hour, and I think (suspect? hope?) that it can mitigate the fears of those who are concerned about kitchen cleanliness. The only thing the food touches is the inside of the slow cooker.

Once when a Chinese colleague who was also a neighbor in our apartment complex learned that his father in China had died quite unexpectedly, I dashed out to my favorite Chinese restaurant and brought him two carry-out meals--no idea what they actually consisted of; I explained the situation to the people at the restaurant and they put the meals together. It all smelled wonderful in my car so I assume it was good, and my colleague was very grateful.

 

[HereticHick]

11 hours ago, church_of_dog said:

That has GOT to be a euphemism for something else...  

I might try that line as a comeon to Mr. Possum tonight.

"Honey, would you like some toothpaste on your toothbrush, wink wink nudge nudge"?

[Screamapillar]

My mom was in the hospital for quite a long time after my younger brother was born due to a laundry list of complications. She's an incredible cook, so while it was great that people were bringing us over roasts and casseroles, I remember my older brother and myself complaining while eating about how none of the food was as good as Mom's cooking.

Then one day, the older, kind of gruff couple who lived across the street stopped by with a McDonald's Happy Meal for each of us and we were like, YES. Those two get it.  

[smittykins]

14 hours ago, Bethy said:

Let's not forget that beyond the distance and travel constraints, this is a belief system in which the "ownership" of Anna Marie was transferred to Christopher. In their world, she doesn't belong to her parents anymore.

Leave and cleave, baby!

[Alisamer]

14 hours ago, Bethy said:

Let's not forget that beyond the distance and travel constraints, this is a belief system in which the "ownership" of Anna Marie was transferred to Christopher. In their world, she doesn't belong to her parents anymore.

While I hope that Anna Marie gets all the treatment she needs and has all the support and help she needs, I also wouldn't be hurt if Scamaritan refuses to pay for much and it ends up falling on Stevehovah. If huge medical bills started pouring in on him I could imagine him second-guessing his choice to get the boys married - thus bringing in more people to the family - without also marrying off the girls, passing them on at least in name to the husband's family. 

I suspect that the second biggest reason his daughters are all still at home has to do with the fact that they appear to be comfortable financially. I'd be willing to bet if they were struggling, Sarah would have found a Godly Young Man as soon as she was legal, while the boys might have hung around longer contributing to the household.

The first reason is that he's a crazy control freak, of course.

[HerNameIsBuffy]

22 minutes ago, Alisamer said:

While I hope that Anna Marie gets all the treatment she needs and has all the support and help she needs, I also wouldn't be hurt if Scamaritan refuses to pay for much and it ends up falling on Stevehovah. If huge medical bills started pouring in on him I could imagine him second-guessing his choice to get the boys married - thus bringing in more people to the family - without also marrying off the girls, passing them on at least in name to the husband's family. 

I suspect that the second biggest reason his daughters are all still at home has to do with the fact that they appear to be comfortable financially. I'd be willing to bet if they were struggling, Sarah would have found a Godly Young Man as soon as she was legal, while the boys might have hung around longer contributing to the household.

The first reason is that he's a crazy control freak, of course.

I've always wondered how they have the kind of money to finance a comfortable life supporting so many non-earning adults.

I assume either Steve was very good at investing whatever savings/plans he had from when he was working or those books they write bring in a heck of a lot more than I can imagine.

If it's the latter maybe I need to think about a career change.  I'm perfectly capable of writing trite crap, too.

[SoSoNosy]

The boys used to do some IT work, but the ITonramp blog went away, so I don't know if that work is still ongoing.  Judging from what my company pays our IT people, that would definitely bring in a comfortable income.

[HerNameIsBuffy]

3 minutes ago, SoSoNosy said:

The boys used to do some IT work, but the ITonramp blog went away, so I don't know if that work is still ongoing.  Judging from what my company pays our IT people, that would definitely bring in a comfortable income.

I'm in IT and have hired independent contractors for years.  Idk how lucrative Joseph's IT business is (otter something?) but the 1 ton ramp was never going to support a small family, much less the Maxwell's.  I'd seriously doubt Joseph's is keeping anyone afloat beyond his own little family.

 

[Giraffe]

I still have no idea how they buy their homes debt free, but if you take them not having a mortgage or rent, living in an area with a low cost of living, and the time & ability to do renovations & upkeep themselves, it’s not hard for me to understand how they’re able to continue supporting “the girls.”

[kpmom]

I have an idea that those books, especially Sarah's, sell much better than we think.

When they were still traveling around the country they would post pictures of people at their sales table, and those people often had a load of books in their hands.  I think some of our members who attended their sessions said this, too.

I think someone here said Sarah's books are in some Christian bookstores as well.

Steve might very well have a nice 401(k), and is certainly old enough to collect social security.  I believe he worked for Boeing at some point?  If so, they are one of the few companies that still have a pension.  And Teri might have a non-working spouse IRA.

 

 

[louannems]

3 hours ago, kpmom said:

I have an idea that those books, especially Sarah's, sell much better than we think.

When they were still traveling around the country they would post pictures of people at their sales table, and those people often had a load of books in their hands.  I think some of our members who attended their sessions said this, too.

I think someone here said Sarah's books are in some Christian bookstores as well.

Steve might very well have a nice 401(k), and is certainly old enough to collect social security.  I believe he worked for Boeing at some point?  If so, they are one of the few companies that still have a pension.  And Teri might have a non-working spouse IRA.

 

 

But was Steve even at Boeing long enough to earn a pension?  That's what I wonder the most about fundie families.  How do they survive old age without pensions and even social security, when so many just seem to mow lawns, or other low wage jobs.

[PennySycamore]

@louannems, you mentioned Social Security.  I wonder about Sarah, Anna, and Mary on that score.  Will any of them have enough work history and have paid into the system to earn Social Security on their own accord?  And if they never marry, they may not qualify for Medicare either.  

[NoseyNellie]

I can totally agree with the mindset that you want to have an idea of who is doing the cooking and knowing that person well enough.. When a dear friend was diagnosed with Stage3 breast 3 months post partum she had a HUGE support system.. at time TOO supportive.  Often they were swimming in too much food the kids would not eat, too many sweets etc.  When our Moms of Multiples group offered to help we asked what she wanted/needed MOST.. She sent a list of specific groceries/foods for the house and we delivered cereals, crackers, fresh fruit, specific chicken nuggets etc ( 5 kids  5 and under)... 

When  a friend who lived out of state had her son pass away due to life long medical complications.. I wanted to help relieve a little stress.. so I googled their area and sent her a message.. I asked if they ate Papa Johns.. I saw there was one close and I could order supper to be delivered.. She said that would be great.. But with all the family there it was like 8 adults and 10 kids.. I said I just needed to know what to put on the pizzas... I placed a HUGE  online order to be delivered at the time she chose(tip included) .. I used all my points to add sodas, breadsticks and cookies...Plenty for supper and snacks the following day... I called the store later that day and spoke to the manager and explained that I placed this order long distance and wanted to make sure that upon delivery the driver did not make any stupid comments like " Huge order!  Must be a big party".. I explained a child passed away.. The manager thanked me for this info and said he would add a huge supply of paper plates and napkins to the order to help the family out.    

[church_of_dog]

51 minutes ago, PennySycamore said:

@louannems, you mentioned Social Security.  I wonder about Sarah, Anna, and Mary on that score.  Will any of them have enough work history and have paid into the system to earn Social Security on their own accord?  And if they never marry, they may not qualify for Medicare either.  

What is the connection between Medicare and marriage?  TIA...

[Coconut Flan]

If spouse A has enough work credit to qualify for Medicare, then spouse B will qualify upon reaching 65.