Josiah and Lauren 16: Just Another Young Fundie Couple

[Cheetah]

I've thought about labor and delivery as being very similar to taking a long-haul flight (eg - SFO to Sydney, etc) for vacation in economy class.  It's long, it's uncomfortable, there might be nausea and you will definitely be exhausted by the time it's over but it'll be over in about 12-24 hours and at the end you'll be at your destination and it will be worth it. 

Also, epidurals are awesome ;-).  

[nausicaa]

Maybe my social circle is insanely lucky, but my mother, my sister, sister-in-law, cousin, two good friends, and several co-workers have all had surprisingly easy, uneventful labors. My sister-in-law had a c-section because the baby was breach, but it wasn't an emergency c-section and everything went very well and she recovered quickly. My sister had some cramping (from pitocin I think) and found breastfeeding too painful for her.  

Other than that the babies were healthy, the moms were healthy, and all the labors were less than six hours. 

Like others have said, we don't talk about the non-traumatic childbirths. It also can feel like bragging or dismissive after someone tells of their 30 hour, vaginal tearing horror story. 

[princessmahina]

On 12/15/2019 at 8:28 AM, JillyO said:

I just found out I'm pregnant with our first child on Monday. I think I need to stop reading this thread or I'll freak out about your horror stories of back labor and post-partum hemorrhage and what not. This shit just became way too real. ?

I just had my first in September. Labor was less than 12 hours start to finish, epidural worked perfectly, baby nurses like a champ. 

Bur those stories are boring ? it’s more interesting to read about the OB decided to vacuum baby out (pretty sure she got tired of waiting for me to push him out) or that they thought he was going to come a month early. 

I hope you have a smooth and uneventful pregnancy and delivery, that you have a bomb nipple cream (earth mama nipple cream was ? for me), and that your baby sleeps soundly in the right increments! 

[Belugaloo]

4 hours ago, just_ordinary said:

I would like to add, that having a c-section (planned or not) can be a very positive birth experience as well.

I wish more people understood this! There is so much stigma surrounding c-sections. For a very long time I have said "id be willing to get pregnant if I could be promised a c section". I have a major phobia of childbirth. I was born without a vaginal opening, and so I have always associated vaginal exams with pain and discomfort as a child and as an adult, Pap smears have always been painful even though I can have sex, use tampons, etc. I am also extremely prone to tearing my skin down there- its just a very sensitive area. Each time ive mentioned wanting a c section, fellow moms are quick to essentially attack my comment. "your body is made to do it!" "Its so depressing to not do it naturally" "OH but that would be terrible. The recovery is so much worse!" um, hello.... pain that is chosen is always going to be processed better than traumatic pain you are subjected to. If I feel that vaginal birth would be incredibly traumatizing and would make me feel like I am being violated, that pain is going to be much worse than a c section recovery! 

[Daisy0322]

@JillyO CONGRATULATIONS! I'm so happy for you!!! Don't worry everyone's labor and delivery is different but no matter what it's always worth it in the end. Just do your best to enjoy the parts you enjoy. I really liked while I was in labor I felt really connected to my husband and it was accurate a nice "bonding experience". 

[SweetJuly]

@JillyO Let me join in on saying Congratulations, and wishing you a safe, healthy and happy pregnancy!

I'm sorry if I have said anything that made you worry about childbirth; it's true that it was a physically very painful experience for me, but all things considered I had a wonderfully unproblematic pregnancy and delivery, and I'd totally do it again. In fact, I would be happy to act as a surrogate if it was legal in my country, because it was overall such a positive experience.

And let me offer some unsolicited advice that I do think might be helpful 

- Breathing really helps against the pain - if you do yoga, you probably already have a good grasp on the correct breathing techniques; otherwise consider taking (online) classes and practising early to make it as automatic as possible.

- When it comes to pushing - push like you need to do a big poo, don't focus your efforts on any other area of your body

- Keep an open mind, about everything: the way you'll handle your pregnancy, the way you give birth, how you raise your child.... Situations can change and require a different course of action than originally envisaged. Don't cling to any set ideas you may have beforehand, and don't feel guilty about deviating from whatever standard you set for yourself.

- On a related note: You do you. Do whatever feels right and works for you, your baby, and your family. It's your life and your family, and nobody else's business whether you have a C-section or unmedicated homebirth, breastfeed for 3 days or 3 years, whether you co-sleep or put the baby in their own room from day 1, whether you raise your baby nappy-free or use disposable diapers, etc. If it works for your family and everyone is happy and healthy, it's the right thing to do.

 

@Belugaloo I'm so very sorry you had to deal with such insensitive judgemental comments. Sometimes I have the impression people just like to claim the moral high ground (look at the fundies we discuss here!), and judge others based on some perceived notion of how things "should" be done.

The truth is:

Not every body is the same, and not every body is made to easily handle pregnancy, childbirth, nursing et.al. Women and babies died and die doing things "naturally". Chances are that everyone requires assistance at some point, and that is ok. There's no shame or any proven harm in IVF, C-sections or formula feeding. If that's what needs to be done to preserve everyone's physical and mental health, then it's right. Anyone who says differently is a sanctimonious fool who probably has problems with their self-worth and needs reasons to feel "better" than others.

I conceived our daughter without even trying the first cycle we stopped preventing; I am not superior to my friend who had to undergo IVF to conceive her daughter.

I had a super healthy and easy pregnancy with very limited physical discomfort; I am not superior to my cousin who had to take progesterone due to preterm labour or my friend who had to be on bedrest for half her pregnancy because of an "incompetent cervix".

I had a spontaneous unmedicated vaginal delivery on my due date; I am not superior to friends who had premature deliveries or C-sections due to preeclampsia or because they were too weak due to months of preceding bedrest.

I had to stop breastfeeding after 3 months and switch to 100% bottles and formula because trying to nurse after a previous breast reduction was driving me straight into depression; I am not inferior to my friends who had no difficulties establishing their supply and are still nursing their toddlers.

 

[SassyPants]

Jilly O- I agree with what others have said. Especially about rolling with what happens along the way. I conceived easily, had a very easy pregnancy, but never went into labor. I was at the 42+ week mark, was induced, back labor that my baby did not tolerate, so C- section it was. My recovery went really well, no issues at all. So overall, I would rate it a positive experience. With my second, I was open for a VBAC, but once I hit the 41+week marker, my husband said, “Do you really want to do an induced labor again?” So we  revised the plan and went for a repeat C-Section. Again, no issues. I just had to accept that my body doesn’t go into labor naturally, and doesn’t readily respond to induction. I literally never had a natural contraction.  With my third, nah...that never happened.

 

[allthegoodnamesrgone]

On 12/16/2019 at 11:46 AM, Belugaloo said:

I wish more people understood this! There is so much stigma surrounding c-sections. For a very long time I have said "id be willing to get pregnant if I could be promised a c section". I have a major phobia of childbirth. I was born without a vaginal opening, and so I have always associated vaginal exams with pain and discomfort as a child and as an adult, Pap smears have always been painful even though I can have sex, use tampons, etc. I am also extremely prone to tearing my skin down there- its just a very sensitive area. Each time ive mentioned wanting a c section, fellow moms are quick to essentially attack my comment. "your body is made to do it!" "Its so depressing to not do it naturally" "OH but that would be terrible. The recovery is so much worse!" um, hello.... pain that is chosen is always going to be processed better than traumatic pain you are subjected to. If I feel that vaginal birth would be incredibly traumatizing and would make me feel like I am being violated, that pain is going to be much worse than a c section recovery! 

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, I think if you really do want to have children, talk to your OB about your fears, fuck what anyone has to say about scheduled c/sections how your child is born is between you and your doctor, no one elses business. Hopefully you have an understanding OB/GYN who will listen to you, and if you don't, go find one. As a mom of 2 whose body "failed her" by not being able to have vaginal birth, that I wanted, and by not being able to breastfeed, which I also wanted to do.  Those outside voices HURT for a long time, but my kids are 22 and almost 20 now, and you know what, HOW they got here doesn't matter anymore, how they were fed their 1st year isn't a question on college admissions, What matters is I have two AMAZING young adult children who are well on their way to being amazing citizens of this world. Don't let fear of what others might think scare you away from having children. 

[AprilQuilt]

On 12/16/2019 at 1:54 PM, just_ordinary said:

I would like to add, that having a c-section (planned or not) can be a very positive birth experience as well. Being open for unplanned things is important. You might realise you actually don’t want relaxing music, or your spouse to just shut up and sit down outside or that there have to be more interventions because you never know how it will go.

I had an unplanned c-section after 8h of back labour that did absolutely nothing in terms of progressing. Not what I wished for but I still had a great birth and my recovery was just as good as my friends with natural birth. Just different areas.  

All of this! My birth plan - which I copied from a friend's - laid out everything I wanted in a best case scenario, and added I reserved the right to change my mind at any point ?

And my scheduled c-section (breech baby) was magical and perfect. I was really upset about it before time, as I'd wanted to labour, but actually it was such a calm, safe, happy atmosphere. All the staff were so kind and friendly to me, and they made it feel important and celebratory even though it really did go off like any routine surgery.

I think of my daughter's delivery as one of the most amazing days of my life, and I couldn't regret a thing about it.

[feministxtian]

I'm one of those who had easy pregnancies and deliveries...nursing was no big deal either.

HOWEVER: You do you. The goal of this exercise is a healthy mom and healthy baby. Whatever it takes. Feeding baby? Nurse, bottle-feed, hell, throw steak at the little hellion. I don't care...a happy baby with a full tummy is infinitely better than a squalling, hungry, non-sleeping, baby. Cover one end, feed the other (don't get 'em confused). 

My hair stylist is having a planned c-section in 3 weeks...I can't tell you how excited I am to finally see baby Max. Then there's the new grandbaby due in July. Now, I don't give a damn how any of 'em get here...it doesn't make anyone or anything less than. 

And feel free to bring all the babies to see "Tia Loca" any time. (my younger friends' kids call me that. it means "crazy aunt"). 

[Iamtheway]

On 12/16/2019 at 1:41 PM, freethemall said:

and hemorrhoids after

I forgot about those little bastards, my least favourite pregnancy symptom, and also the only one I still have six years later. 

Actually the itching was probably the worst. If that had lasted longer then a couple of weeks I would have gone insane! 

[Belugaloo]

4 hours ago, allthegoodnamesrgone said:

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, I think if you really do want to have children, talk to your OB about your fears, fuck what anyone has to say about scheduled c/sections how your child is born is between you and your doctor, no one elses business. Hopefully you have an understanding OB/GYN who will listen to you, and if you don't, go find one. As a mom of 2 whose body "failed her" by not being able to have vaginal birth, that I wanted, and by not being able to breastfeed, which I also wanted to do.  Those outside voices HURT for a long time, but my kids are 22 and almost 20 now, and you know what, HOW they got here doesn't matter anymore, how they were fed their 1st year isn't a question on college admissions, What matters is I have two AMAZING young adult children who are well on their way to being amazing citizens of this world. Don't let fear of what others might think scare you away from having children. 

Thank you for the encouragement! I have actually recently decided to do this! Recently I saw my OBGYN for the first time for a non-birth control appt... She prescribed me two weeks of estrogen cream** to see if it might help with a tear I had developed during a previous Pap smear that wasn't healing (and was causing a lot of pain with inserting ANYTHING).. she was very understanding and kind and I am considering scheduling a follow up visit to see if the area has healed and discussing whether any of my medical history would qualify me for a scheduled c section. 

 

 

** not sure if this is a typical approach to solving the problem. I was prescribed estrogen cream as a child to help with my fused vaginal opening, and it worked, so that might be why she wanted to use it again. 

[Satan'sFortress]

@JillyO Congratulations!!  FWIW, I had a very easy delivery.  I felt wonderful and really loved the experience. I know it isn't always like that, but wanted to chime in with a good story.

I think I've mentioned before, I took a hypo-birthing class, which I considered to be half-hooey, but if you find a good teacher, it might be helpful.  In the end it helped me to relax.

[Xan]

On 12/16/2019 at 1:46 PM, Belugaloo said:

I wish more people understood this! There is so much stigma surrounding c-sections. For a very long time I have said "id be willing to get pregnant if I could be promised a c section". I have a major phobia of childbirth. I was born without a vaginal opening, and so I have always associated vaginal exams with pain and discomfort as a child and as an adult, Pap smears have always been painful even though I can have sex, use tampons, etc. I am also extremely prone to tearing my skin down there- its just a very sensitive area. Each time ive mentioned wanting a c section, fellow moms are quick to essentially attack my comment. "your body is made to do it!" "Its so depressing to not do it naturally" "OH but that would be terrible. The recovery is so much worse!" um, hello.... pain that is chosen is always going to be processed better than traumatic pain you are subjected to. If I feel that vaginal birth would be incredibly traumatizing and would make me feel like I am being violated, that pain is going to be much worse than a c section recovery! 

All of my grandchildren arrived via c-section.  (Partly, this has to do with our family having a gene for babies coming out with big old round Charlie Brown heads.)  It absolutely doesn't matter how the baby comes out and is nobody's business but your own.  Due to your history, you probably had some reconstruction and that tissue is more fragile.  I'm sure the doctor will understand and take that into consideration.  But, as everyone else has already said, this is your decision.  Don't worry about what anyone else thinks.

[Belugaloo]

3 minutes ago, Xan said:

All of my grandchildren arrived via c-section.  (Partly, this has to do with our family having a gene for babies coming out with big old round Charlie Brown heads.)  It absolutely doesn't matter how the baby comes out and is nobody's business but your own.  Due to your history, you probably had some reconstruction and that tissue is more fragile.  I'm sure the doctor will understand and take that into consideration.  But, as everyone else has already said, this is your decision.  Don't worry about what anyone else thinks.

I actually narrowly avoided having to have surgery - they were taking a wait and see approach since a lot of cases of fused vaginal openings will open with a surge of estrogen levels. This did happen for me (and estrogen cream also helped), but the area is very sensitive. My OBGYN was lecturing me about using lube whenever I insert anything "even if I dont feel like I need anything" because the opening tears so easily. 

 

Given my history with vaginal exams, the thought of having so much going on down there during labor truly freaks me out. Id rather have a c section scar and all that comes along with recovery over having a child come out of there!! 

[SassyPants]

6 minutes ago, Xan said:

All of my grandchildren arrived via c-section.  (Partly, this has to do with our family having a gene for babies coming out with big old round Charlie Brown heads.)  It absolutely doesn't matter how the baby comes out and is nobody's business but your own.  Due to your history, you probably had some reconstruction and that tissue is more fragile.  I'm sure the doctor will understand and take that into consideration.  But, as everyone else has already said, this is your decision.  Don't worry about what anyone else thinks.

My parents are 7/7 C section births for their grandkids.

1/1 in C section birth for GG daughter

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

Babies born by c section are so beautiful!

Not a reason to have one, just an adorable side effect.    

[Bad Wolf]

2 hours ago, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

Babies born by c section are so beautiful!

Not a reason to have one, just an adorable side effect.    

You didn't see Wolf girl after the c section.  She got stuck and her head was really misshapen. Wolf boy was a scheduled c section, and had a nice shaped head. My niece was born sunny side up, and was a cone head. They all eventually turned into cute babies.

[Meggo]

@JillyO - Congratulations!  I have no birth stories to share (adoption story though!) 

But here is my one piece of unsolicited advice (and one I think is actually helpful and in NO WAY judgmental). 

You know how onesies have those weird flap shoulders? That makes them easy to go DOWN babies body in case of a diaper blow out - instead of OVER babies head. I didn't know this till after the fact - so now I make it a point to tell all new moms! 
See? Completely non judgmental - actually might even be helpful - parenting advice! 
 

[Giraffe]

@Belugaloo - I’ve decided not to have kids, but the one thing I was 100% on was if I ever became pregnant I would request /demand a c-section, even if there’s not a medical indication for it. I have this paralyzing fear that I would die in childbirth otherwise.

[lumpentheologie]

18 hours ago, Belugaloo said:

 

** not sure if this is a typical approach to solving the problem. I was prescribed estrogen cream as a child to help with my fused vaginal opening, and it worked, so that might be why she wanted to use it again. 

I have a very similar history to you, and I did need surgery to correct it.  Now I'm regularly prescribed estrogen + lactobacilli suppositories because the tissue is super sensitive, so it may be common to use estrogen in such cases. 

I've never thought of this as a reason to have a scheduled c-section, but now I think it might be.  I'm not sure if I'll ever have kids but I've always been terrified of labor.  My mother was in labor with me for two days straight, with back labor, and she might have traumatized me.  I also have a giant head, like even men's hats don't fit me, I have to order extra large ones if they're not stretchy. And having anxiety doesn't help either. 

[Belugaloo]

1 minute ago, lumpentheologie said:

I have a very similar history to you, and I did need surgery to correct it.  Now I'm regularly prescribed estrogen + lactobacilli suppositories because the tissue is super sensitive, so it may be common to use estrogen in such cases. 

I've never thought of this as a reason to have a scheduled c-section, but now I think it might be.  I'm not sure if I'll ever have kids but I've always been terrified of labor.  My mother was in labor with me for two days straight, with back labor, and she might have traumatized me.  I also have a giant head, like even men's hats don't fit me, I have to order extra large ones if they're not stretchy. And having anxiety doesn't help either. 

Can you elaborate on lactobacilli suppositories? Is this something my OBGYN could prescribe? 

[lumpentheologie]

1 minute ago, Belugaloo said:

Can you elaborate on lactobacilli suppositories? Is this something my OBGYN could prescribe? 

It's the estrogen and lactobacilli all in one, and I do get a prescription for it from my OBGYN.  The one I get is called Gynoflor, but I'm in Germany, so I'm not sure what's available where you are. My doctor advised me to alternate them with vitamin C suppositories (over the counter here), since that's supposed to help too. 

[crancraz]

On 12/16/2019 at 11:46 AM, Belugaloo said:

I wish more people understood this! There is so much stigma surrounding c-sections. For a very long time I have said "id be willing to get pregnant if I could be promised a c section". I have a major phobia of childbirth.  

Preach! I have a rather traumatic obstetric history and had a lengthy discussion about a planned CS with my last baby born this July. I’d already had an emergent CS with my middle, so getting the CS wasn’t a battle. But because of my history of pregnancy loss and subsequent PTSD, I wanted the CS done at 37 weeks. My provider went to bat for me and jumped through panels at the hospital to make sure that I was able to get my health needs met. We are just as important as the baby. Our health and bodies matter, too. Make sure your provider understands your personal experience and values YOU as well as your baby.

My CS in July was a beautiful experience. I had a clear drape and got to watch her be born and had skin to skin in OR. And even my emergent CS in 2013 was great. I was nervous and scared because of the situation surrounding her birth, but the actual birth itself was just as special as my oldest daughter’s vagina delivery. Birth of any kind is amazing. All of a sudden, there’s another whole person in the room that just came out of another person. It’s amazing!

[Johannah]

To change the subject from childbirth stories for a minute, I just watched Siren’s jinder reveal episode and hadn’t realized she announced the baby name as soon as she found out it was a girl. There had been some criticism that it was insensitive of her to use the name BELLa after Joy lost a baby named AnnaBELL. But based on this episode it seems like Lauren had named Bella before Joy’s loss and naming of her baby. I still think it’s not remotely a big deal, but, if anything, Joy copied part of unborn Bella’s name in naming Annabell, not the other way around.