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Andrea Mills 2: Watching Tom Appear to Lose His Mind


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On 10/11/2019 at 10:54 AM, under siege said:

In case anyone's interested in how Andrea explained the clothing thing. It's a fairly short video.

 

Then there is this one.

 

These are the first videos I have watched (mainly because I'm super lazy about leaving FJ unless given a direct link) and I can see why people would find Andrea relaxing and entertaining to watch.   I found her engaging and relatable in these 2 videos.

I like that she clarified that once the kids hit 13 they don't *have* to dress like the rest of the family, but having to use their own money to buy different clothes is probably a bit of a hurdle.  Also, she talks about how if a kid hasn't done laundry and has to wear another color they feel a bit out of sorts so that's another hurdle.   An independent enough kid could probably get over both of them.  I know nothing about the kids individually.

I think it would make sense to be color coordinated on outings to make it easier to pick everyone out quickly, but every day seems a bit much.  

I like that she was honest that it started out just to make her scrapbooking easier/look nicer.

Since I had never heard of the Mills before the previous thread I had no idea what Andrea (or any of them) looked like.  I don't know what I expected, but seeing her so young and happy was a bit shocking and even more tragic than I already thought it was.

Those poor kids :(

On 10/11/2019 at 8:51 AM, Palimpsest said:

So Grandma Kitty (and I don't know how fit and frisky she is but she must be well into her sixties) is stepping out of retirement to homeschool Tom's children 3 days a week.  Andrea's sisters are apparently helping out frequently.  I see both as a pretty big deal.  We don't know how much they are sacrificing but they deserve praise.

Not only everything you already mentioned, but all these women are ALSO grieving for the loss of Andrea.  They are, no doubt, dealing with the majority of the children's grief as well.

Tom is very lucky but doesn't seem to understand that from what has been posted.

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1 hour ago, Pleiades_06 said:

I noticed a few YouTube friends asking if he had received their cards. At one point at the end he told one he didn’t know because they had received so many-then the video turned off. 

One kept asking about him collecting social security. Apparently she sent him 500 dollars. She posted this (see attachment). What was that all about?? 

026C174B-10F0-4315-8147-B8FB1113CB48.png

$500 and she's got six kids herself!! OMFG, why are people still sending Tom so much money?!! It's so close to the holiday season too. There's sympathy for the situation and then there's fueling his greed & ego.

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1 hour ago, ViolaSebastian said:

Okay, we're back with part #2, apparently.

14. Tom talks about some video he did about preterism. He says you have to have an open mind when you watch it, though.

21. About a month before Andrea died, they had a conversation where Andrea said "if you ever die I'll never get remarried." Tom said "I don't know what I'd do." and Andrea told him "oh, you'd get remarried. That's just what you'd do." Asher apparently remembers this conversation. He sighs and says, "my girls do need a mommy." He clarifies that "Andrea is not being replaced. Andrea can't be replaced." But his girls need a mommy. He says "I don't know how we got on this topic."

26. Tom has not taken the kids to visit Andrea, but "he's still trying to figure out how to live life right now." Tom says he talks to Andrea "all the time."

27. Tom sighs. The dog is "doing okay."

Okay. It's been an hour and I'm done with this. More tomorrow.

1

Thank you for this recap. Another hour of Tom is something I wouldn't be able to get through.

14 - Tom's way of preaching will put off a lot of people off the subject of preterism. If anyone here does watch any videos he does on the subject please also do your own research on the subject and watch less-Tom-like videos.

21 - So he's bringing up this yet again. He's certainly edging towards being open about replacing Andrea.

26 - I know it's not for everyone, and everyone handles grief in different ways, but visiting Andrea could be so beneficial to the children and to Tom. An alternative would be to have a memorial garden in their yard. Somewhere the kids can go and 'be with Mom'.

27 - How does a hernia become 'okay' without proper care. How can an old dog be 'okay' when he has ailments that are not being treated for.  Tom really doesn't care for the poor dog.

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6 hours ago, Pleiades_06 said:

Maybe when this topic strand is full the next can be Andrea Mills 3: Free Judah

and Asher too!! I sense that he don't like being "parent" im sure he wants to be a normal teenager

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On 10/11/2019 at 3:30 PM, mollysmom said:

I was home schooled with Abeka & honestly, didn't learn anything. Seriously, I'm not very smart, at all. There is no denying that. Part of the blame in my opinion, is on my mother. She didn't teach. She sat in the living room talking on the phone while I was at the kitchen table, or in my bedroom "teaching" myself. I put some of the blame on myself because I absolutely hated home schooling so I wasn't exactly a star pupil. But honestly, it's really embarrassing how much I don't know (basic stuff) at 42 years old. 

Not arguing the point that @formergothardite is making about the different curriculums. I personally don't know anything about any of them other than Abeka but I feel like the "system" aka my mother...failed me. 

I'm sorry your mom didn't give you a proper education.  There is a difference between not knowing stuff and not being smart though.

I'm not sure what kind of basic stuff you don't know (and don't feel obligated to tell me!!), but the internet can teach you pretty much anything you would have learned in school so if you want to learn some of that stuff you can!

I, personally, think we should never stop learning and frequently take online classes for a variety of different things.  If you don't want a class, youtube and google will set you up pretty well for nearly anything.

Here is a good list of places that have courses: https://www.themuse.com/advice/14-best-sites-for-taking-online-classes-thatll-boost-your-skills-and-get-you-ahead

There is also Khan Academy

I have personally used Lynda, Skillshare, and Udemy and have been very happy with the classes I've done so far.   I haven't heard of some of the places on that list but I am going to check them out. 

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On 10/12/2019 at 8:02 AM, Koala said:

For as calming as she usually sounded, she sounded equally as unhinged in this video.  It's disturbing- kind of like watching someone take a mask off, and what's underneath is scary as fuck.

:mouse-shock:

Well, that was as disturbing as the color coordinating ones were engaging.  It didn't help that she was talking extra fast.

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8 hours ago, ViolaSebastian said:

3. He has not considered seeing someone professionally. He says he needs to have a connection with someone to talk to them. He says he feels better from talking to "you guys," e.g. the Youtube People. The irony of this is completely lost on him.
12. He signs off saying it was really helpful to get to talk and that he's really grateful to "you guys" (the Youtube People).

 

These two points have been really bothering me, as has Tom continual denying himself and the kids access to counselling.  I put this overthinking about it down to my work - I'm currently in the counselling sector).

* Tom has been heavily reliant on his 'youtube people' since the lives when Andrea was taken to hospital. It has become a crutch for him.  It is such an unhealthy reliance and I'd be very surprised if his mother, and other family members, have not started to become concerned if they haven't yet discussed it with him (which I doubt very much he'd share)

*His saying that he feels better taking on camera rather than forming a relationship with a professional is telling. There is safety in numbers and he can blanket out the negative comments because there are so many 'you are a great man / Dad' and 'you are doing a great job' comments. It boosts his ego and if he focussing on that bs he'll believe it because he wants/needs to.
However, if he was to talk one-on-one he may not like what he hears. There will be truths that he's confronted with that he may not appreciate or have the capacity to handle.

*The neglect /lack of care towards the children shown in the video is very worrisome. My hope is that it is because he's focussing on his 'youtube people' but something is telling me otherwise.  If most of us are noticing it, surely his family and friends/neighbours are?

* His focus on his 'youtube people' means he can avoid dealing with stuff. His refusal to talk it out with professional care may cause serious repercussions in the future be it mental or physical health and/or relationships with his children and future spouse.  His children have all these videos to look back on and some may just reflect on this period of time and the ways they have had to deal with it all. 

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I'm listening to the rest of the Livestream. It's mostly just a religious discussion about predestination versus free will. He's planning on doing a Livestream Bible study with the Youtube People. Asher is apparently making noise in the background (I can't hear it on my speakers) and someone asks if he's crying. Tom says that he *thinks* Asher is just laughing. Thinks. Maybe if he's not sure about it, he should get off his behind and go check on his grieving kids.

I wish someone would talk to Tom and tell him that most counselors (at least in my experience) don't expect you to fully spill your guts before you build a rapport with him or her. Relationships and trust take time, including counseling relationships. I've never had a counselor push me to divulge super personal or upsetting things in the first few sessions and there have been situations where I just never built that rapport and needed to find a new counselor I felt more connect to. I do wish he'd at least give it a try, for the kids' sake.

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On 10/12/2019 at 4:33 PM, Palimpsest said:

This.  And @mollysmom your post has bothered me and broken my heart since I first saw it, but I needed time to formulate a response.  I hope it makes sense.

There are many types of intelligence and many different types of learning styles.  Not all types of intelligence are valued in the "academic" world but they are still of enormous importance in living and succeeding in life.  Empathy, people skills, dexterity, spacial ability, and common sense being among them.

Putting the rest of this under a spoiler so people can scroll on by the off topic stuff if they want.

  Hide contents

 

Learning styles:   Take me as an example.  I could not and probably never would have learned from being plonked down in front of workbooks with no help.  And listening to someone chatter on tape or even video, nope no help either.   I have no aural memory at all.  I am a visual and experiential learner.  I cannot and never will learn from oral communication.  Others can.

And that is why I am probably the world's best note taker and a dedicated reader.  Hear words - in and out of my head.  Write down words and mentally photograph them, draw pictures, or follow instructions and do something practical.  Wow.  I actually get the concept!  And I was an absolute failure  at math, except for basic geometry (pictures!)  I taught myself to be functional in math (for everyday use) by drawing myself pictures. 

It took me a long time to understand that I had my own a little "different" learning style.  And I succeeded academically once I understood that and figured out how I learned.  I'm also artsy and crafty and quite a good handyman (handy person).  And I have a brain filled with pretty useless trivia from all that reading. 

Now take Mr. P.   He has a fantastic aural memory.  Sing him a song once and he will sing it back to you, on key and with all lyrics intact.  He also has an excellent visual memory.  He struggled with math (to some extent) in high school (bad teaching) but excelled in his chosen field of study.  He has a PhD in a rather narrow area.  He also has fantastic people skills and what I think of as a "legal" brain.  He can look at a problem and parse it in a second.  He puts it into order, prioritises the issues, figures out how to present it, and convinces people to follow his advice in minutes.  And (damn it) he is almost always right!  He's blushing because I just read this back to him.

But (and I have his permission to say this) he has no directional abilities.  GPS (or me navigating) is a blessing to him because he cannot find his way from A to B.  And he is not allowed to use power tools.  Or put furniture kits together.  He just does not get it.  Trying to be handy around the house tends to end up in visits to ER for him.  I do the house maintenance.  And a lot of the more commonsensical stuff.  We complement each other.

He thinks I am more "clever" and I think he is far, far, more "cleverer"  than I.

I hope this helps.  We both ended up succeeding academically, but you may be a lot better than us in excelling in life. :)

 

 

Well written! ? Forgive my trivial question, but are you left handed?

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1 minute ago, Flyinthesoup said:

Well written! ? Forgive my trivial question, but are you left handed?

not @Palimpsest, but I have difficulty with "aural memory" (great phrase; I hadn't heard seen it before!) as well, and yes, I'm left-handed.

My tl;dr:  I did very well in high school but actually flunked out of University of California due to low grades.  Twice.  I couldn't figure it out.  I eventually graduated but with a very low GPA, and abandoned my lifelong assumption that I would get advanced degrees.  

A few years later, a combination of 

a) taking a night class while working fulltime, and finding it impossible to keep up, and

b) attempting to listen to an audiobook and being unable to stay focused

helped me to figure out what was going on.

(I now thrive listening to audiobooks, btw -- but I make sure I don't try to listen while my brain is otherwise engaged in something that takes focus, such as driving, or I simply accept that I'm only going to get the jist of the book and miss a lot of details.)

One difference between me and @Palimpsest -- I did ok in math.  I guess because I was able to get the concepts from the teacher's visual presentation on the blackboard, plus whatever was in the textbook.  I'm totally aligned with P in the idea that the concept needs to be grokked in order to continue absorbing further information, and that said information better not be available only aurally.

Now here's one contrary bit, that maybe someone can explain.  Every afternoon I read the day's high and low temperatures from "max" and "min" thermometers I have on my porch.  I then walk inside and write those numbers down on a chart.  Sometimes I would find that I forget the numbers during the few seconds it takes to go inside.  I found that if I say the numbers out loud to myself, it helps me remember them.  But -- that's AURAL memory!  How come it works?  Of course, it's very short-term, but still, I was baffled to find that instance when hearing it actually helped me remember.

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On 10/11/2019 at 3:03 PM, Giraffe said:

It doesn’t surprise me they didn’t believe in yearly physicals. Preventive medicine could be seen as anti-biblical. There’s a verse that talks about it being the sick who need a doctor, not the healthy*.
 

 

 

*Mt 9:12, Lk 5:31

I watched one of her videos about childbirth stating that the use of any medical assistance during birth wasn't Biblical and therefore unnecessary.  That basically it's a function of brainwashing.  Batsh*t crazy an illogical beyond belief. 

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1 hour ago, church_of_dog said:

Now here's one contrary bit, that maybe someone can explain.  Every afternoon I read the day's high and low temperatures from "max" and "min" thermometers I have on my porch.  I then walk inside and write those numbers down on a chart.  Sometimes I would find that I forget the numbers during the few seconds it takes to go inside.  I found that if I say the numbers out loud to myself, it helps me remember them.  But -- that's AURAL memory!  How come it works?  Of course, it's very short-term, but still, I was baffled to find that instance when hearing it actually helped me remember.

I remember reading somewhere that going through a doorway can make you forget what you were doing. Your brain somehow considers a door frame to be a way to separate things or something? So that the brain sort of clears its cache to prepare for whatever is going on in the new room.

I have no idea if that's true, but I do think it's an interesting idea and I know that I can walk into a room and completely forget what I'm doing. Supposedly walking back where you came from helps. I am not a scientist or a doctor, nor have I ever played one on TV. 

 

ETA: I found the article! 

https://news.nd.edu/news/walking-through-doorways-causes-forgetting-new-research-shows/ 

Edited by Cat Damon
found the link!
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49 minutes ago, church_of_dog said:

I found that if I say the numbers out loud to myself, it helps me remember them.  But -- that's AURAL memory!  How come it works?

I‘m far from a professional, but instinctively I’d say that there’s a difference between hearing someone else speak and saying the same things out lout by yourself. The act of speaking is much more ... physical, I guess? At least that’s my takeaway from studying for the bar. Listening to tutors did nothing for me, but when I read the material to myself it magically took up residence in my brain, even if my reading was almost too quiet to hear. 

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45 minutes ago, Cat Damon said:

I remember reading somewhere that going through a doorway can make you forget what you were doing. Your brain somehow considers a door frame to be a way to separate things or something? So that the brain sort of clears its cache to prepare for whatever is going on in the new room.

I have no idea if that's true, but I do think it's an interesting idea and I know that I can walk into a room and completely forget what I'm doing. Supposedly walking back where you came from helps. I am not a scientist or a doctor, nor have I ever played one on TV. 

I don't know either, but it happens to me nearly every single time I walk in the grocery store.  "What did I come in to get, again?" :my_tongue:

I had a coworker who called this the "butt switch".  If you forgot why you got up from your desk, you needed to go back and sit down again, thus triggering the butt switch, in order to remember...

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1 hour ago, church_of_dog said:

not @Palimpsest, but I have difficulty with "aural memory" (great phrase; I hadn't heard seen it before!) as well, and yes, I'm left-handed.

My tl;dr:  I did very well in high school but actually flunked out of University of California due to low grades.  Twice.  I couldn't figure it out.  I eventually graduated but with a very low GPA, and abandoned my lifelong assumption that I would get advanced degrees.  

A few years later, a combination of 

a) taking a night class while working fulltime, and finding it impossible to keep up, and

b) attempting to listen to an audiobook and being unable to stay focused

helped me to figure out what was going on.

(I now thrive listening to audiobooks, btw -- but I make sure I don't try to listen while my brain is otherwise engaged in something that takes focus, such as driving, or I simply accept that I'm only going to get the jist of the book and miss a lot of details.)

One difference between me and @Palimpsest -- I did ok in math.  I guess because I was able to get the concepts from the teacher's visual presentation on the blackboard, plus whatever was in the textbook.  I'm totally aligned with P in the idea that the concept needs to be grokked in order to continue absorbing further information, and that said information better not be available only aurally.

Now here's one contrary bit, that maybe someone can explain.  Every afternoon I read the day's high and low temperatures from "max" and "min" thermometers I have on my porch.  I then walk inside and write those numbers down on a chart.  Sometimes I would find that I forget the numbers during the few seconds it takes to go inside.  I found that if I say the numbers out loud to myself, it helps me remember them.  But -- that's AURAL memory!  How come it works?  Of course, it's very short-term, but still, I was baffled to find that instance when hearing it actually helped me remember.

Wow, I could have written most of this, with the exception on the post secondary education.  I did not go into a specific program, so I picked and chose what education/classes I wanted to further my education in life. :D  Confession, I was actually listening to a sample of an auditory book, on Amazon, when I opened up FJ in another tab and started reading your reply!  I had to laugh....and, as soon as I started reading, of course I could no long take in what I was listening to. I love auditory books, but must be really focused, or my mind starts to wander. I did very well in math, except for geometry.  The teacher was really good, but it wasn't until he drew the diagram and, believe it or not, added in doing forward/backward flips in the classroom, it finally clicked for me.  However, just as I was excited to 'catch' the information, he was ready to move on to the next concept, and I needed time to apply the principles just learned....it was the only class I nearly failed in high school.  I recently purchased a geometry book so I can re-do it, and hopefully understand it better. :D I am a life-long learner and I hope we have instilled that into our children.  Oh, and I am left handed in many ways.

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Interesting. I’m left handed and struggle with aural learning as well. It didn’t hinder my education much as a child. I always had good grades etc, but I notice it a LOT the older I get. I can do audio books in very limited settings, especially nonfiction. I’m almost done with one now that has been easier, but I know it’s because the material was already pretty familiar to me. 

I have a bunch of left handed relatives so now I want to ask them about it. Two of my kids are too.

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3 hours ago, Flyinthesoup said:

Well written! ? Forgive my trivial question, but are you left handed?

No.  But apparently as a baby I took a long time to decide to become right hand dominant.  Probably that was unintentionally reinforced by adults who put things in my right hand.  I don't ever remember being forced into using my right hand though. 

I was a very late talker, which worried my parents until I suddenly decided to talk in complete sentences.  And I was an early reader but, according to my mother, always insisted on holding the book when someone was reading to me or I wandered off to do something else.

2 hours ago, church_of_dog said:

not @Palimpsest, but I have difficulty with "aural memory" (great phrase; I hadn't heard seen it before!) as well, and yes, I'm left-handed.

My tl;dr:  I did very well in high school but actually flunked out of University of California due to low grades.  Twice.  I couldn't figure it out.  I eventually graduated but with a very low GPA, and abandoned my lifelong assumption that I would get advanced degrees.  

A few years later, a combination of 

a) taking a night class while working fulltime, and finding it impossible to keep up, and

b) attempting to listen to an audiobook and being unable to stay focused

helped me to figure out what was going on.

(I now thrive listening to audiobooks, btw -- but I make sure I don't try to listen while my brain is otherwise engaged in something that takes focus, such as driving, or I simply accept that I'm only going to get the jist of the book and miss a lot of details.)

One difference between me and @Palimpsest -- I did ok in math.  I guess because I was able to get the concepts from the teacher's visual presentation on the blackboard, plus whatever was in the textbook.  I'm totally aligned with P in the idea that the concept needs to be grokked in order to continue absorbing further information, and that said information better not be available only aurally.

Now here's one contrary bit, that maybe someone can explain.  Every afternoon I read the day's high and low temperatures from "max" and "min" thermometers I have on my porch.  I then walk inside and write those numbers down on a chart.  Sometimes I would find that I forget the numbers during the few seconds it takes to go inside.  I found that if I say the numbers out loud to myself, it helps me remember them.  But -- that's AURAL memory!  How come it works?  Of course, it's very short-term, but still, I was baffled to find that instance when hearing it actually helped me remember.

It's a real bummer and I'm so sorry you had such a hard time, but it sounds as though you are getting better at training your aural memory.  

Aural memory is also called echoic memory and it apparently can be trained and improved.  Several different parts of the brain are involved so it may not be the same for everyone.  I can't say I have tried to improve my aural memory much because I learned to compensate so well otherwise.  I should make a proper effort because I really dislike audio books.    

On repeating the numbers out loud to remember them - that is reinforcing the memory by doing something.  It would come under experiential learning, I think.

My math issues may be separate from the lack of aural memory .  I've often wondered whether I have mild dyscalculia,  But I also tend to transpose numbers, and that is not consistent with dyscalculia.  Who knows.  I function.

I believe many good educators are a lot more sensitive to different learning styles than they were when I was in elementary and high school.  They vary methods of teaching to adjust to different learning styles.  And are actually aware they exist, and that is half the battle.

I was something of a mystery to my parents and teachers.  They couldn't understand why I was so good at some subjects and so bad in others.  Or why I got fantastic grades in biology one year and came close to flunking the next.  The simple answer was that the teacher in the second year wouldn't let me "doodle" in class.  I was labeled as lazy, oppositional, and told to stop daydreaming.  My father tried to coach me in math, which was a complete disaster.  "I can tell when you start daydreaming because your eyes go out of focus!"  No, Daddy Dearest, that look in my eyes was sheer panic because I couldn't remember what you said a minute ago.  :(

Luckily I had figured my memory and how to learn out by the time I was 14 or so, although I couldn't explain it.  And I always had teachers who admired my obsessive note-taking after that.  Call me teacher's pet, in fact.

Edited by Palimpsest
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You know, I have a lot of issues with my mind wandering when I listen to audio books and podcasts and I cannot, for the life of me, study or write with music of any in the background. I'll sometimes listen to music when I browse FJ, but if there's a long comment or one that's particularly heavy on subject matter I'm not familiar with, I'll have to stop the music to read it. However, what's noteworthy to me is that I'm left-handed, too, so it's interesting to hear that other FJ lefties have a difficult time with aural processing as well. 

Interestingly, I never had issues with my mind wandering when it came to lectures in classes, but they may me because I'm a meticulous note-taker and I occupy myself with translating what I hear into documentation. I also had a job indexing oral history interviews and never had an issue there, but a big part of that was indexing as I listened, so another part of my brain was engaged. Which I guess is the secret to that style of learning working for me. 

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So this lovely fundie family has a sex offender who they give unlimited access to their kids. Papa Gary is a registered sex offender with kids <17. They let their children sit in his lap and be alone with him. Lovely.  Praise Jeebus. The moral of the story is anyone can fall for the most screwed up, insane, pedophiliac,  apocalyptic wackos as just a sweet, little family.

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1 hour ago, ViolaSebastian said:

You know, I have a lot of issues with my mind wandering when I listen to audio books and podcasts and I cannot, for the life of me, study or write with music of any in the background. I'll sometimes listen to music when I browse FJ, but if there's a long comment or one that's particularly heavy on subject matter I'm not familiar with, I'll have to stop the music to read it. However, what's noteworthy to me is that I'm left-handed, too, so it's interesting to hear that other FJ lefties have a difficult time with aural processing as well. 

Interestingly, I never had issues with my mind wandering when it came to lectures in classes, but they may me because I'm a meticulous note-taker and I occupy myself with translating what I hear into documentation. I also had a job indexing oral history interviews and never had an issue there, but a big part of that was indexing as I listened, so another part of my brain was engaged. Which I guess is the secret to that style of learning working for me. 

This! All of this sounds exactly like me. (and I'm left handed for what that's worth ;) ) 

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I found the best thing, for me, was taking very exact notes. I even once took a very detail-oriented, lecture-heavy class on 19th century Germany, where I transcribed what the lecturer said almost word-for-word on my computer. (Kicking myself for not taking the advice I got in 9th grade to go to stenographer school, but I digress...). Then I take my notes home and read over them like it's a book and learn it visually. Even got the bonus question on the final exam correct--thank you, Louise Otto Peters.

Edited by ViolaSebastian
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I watched the livestream game night to catch Hanna atrocities. I was not disappointed.  The game night begins with 17 months Hanna crawling on the dining room table (where else would she be)? Her saggy diaper obviously hasn't been changed in hours and she leaks pee all over the table.

Tom does actually get up and tells us that it's real life.  Then he takes the kitchen dish cloth from the sink and wipes up the pee with it!  Oh, yes he did.  He tossed it back in the sink (oh, yes he did) and without washing his hands, he sits down and continued the game.

Meanwhile, it was teenaged Asher whose job it was to mop up Hanna.  She is returned in a dry diaper and nothing else.  She was pretty cute, too.

Sophia won the game and it was candy for all, with Claudia crying for not winning.  Claudia crys after every game night and Tom gives her hugs and comfort.  Maybe that's the only time he gives her attention.

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20 minutes ago, louannems said:

Tom does actually get up and tells us that it's real life.  Then he takes the kitchen dish cloth from the sink and wipes up the pee with it!  Oh, yes he did.  He tossed it back in the sink (oh, yes he did) and without washing his hands, he sits down and continued the game.

That + weekly baths = I'm gagging, oh my god

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I'm really of two minds about this family and Tom in particular.

First read of him, he seems like he's intellectualizing - planning, setting goals, thinking about the future, organizing homeschool help, trying to keep the family moving and in motion.  It's a reasonably healthy coping mechanism, when it's in balance with acknowledging grief and working on acceptance.

Second read, he seems completely out of depth and struggling, bordering on neglectful, due to having never played a major hand in the day to day running of his own household.

I did a damn good job of intellectualizing the loss of my husband, until it hit like a ton of bricks five months after his death.  The night the house of cards collapsed, I found myself sitting on the front porch in the middle of the night struggling with suicidal ideation.  Thank goodness my sister was up late that night and willing to chat with me until I could calm down enough to go to bed!

Tom's problem is the hard part of acceptance.  The first part - the "easy" part - is accepting that your loved one is gone and is not coming back.  Tom watched Andrea die.  He knows that reality.  The hard part is accepting change.  Accepting that the plans, goals, family, lifestyle that you dreamed of with your loved one vanished when they died.  Accepting that their death means all of your plans, goals, dreams, and lifestyle will inevitably change, not necessarily deliberately, although I do know widows whose first rational act when the haze of grief lifted was to move their family and start over in a completely new place, but certainly of necessity.  Someone mentioned Andrea's herbs.  That hard part of acceptance, the acceptance of change, is going to be in things like getting rid of her herb collection.  They will crumble to dust and some may be actively dangerous if Hanna gets into them.  There are ways to save the memories and sensory impact of Andrea's activities and hobbies, without having the objects physically in the house, but that's going to take a lot of compassion, sensitivity, and respect for the youngsters that Tom, and Andrea's relatives, don't seem to have at the moment.

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Can you imagine how valuable, comforting and connecting it would be for those kids to spend 40 minutes playing a fun game with Dad and Siblings WITHOUT YouTube watching on? 

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