Dillards 79: Sex Education on the Fly

[StraightOuttaArkansas]

@neurogirl you're welcome! I am happy to hear we are not alone. I often question if we are just weird (I know we are happy, but you know just that "are we a little too strange" thought) for not having sex so often. Thank you for the confidence boost ❤️

[Peaches-n-Beans]

I would like to apologize in advance to my mom because she's on this site BUT

I'm a gay woman in my early 20s, currently single so my under the covers time is not spent with a person but rather a wonderful little device, and I cannot IMAGINE doing it 5-6 times a week. Like. 3 times a week is a lot for me. For anyone out there with a sex drive that high, good for you, that's awesome. But I think my lady bits started to collapse in on themselves reading that article and not just because of the 5-6 times thing

[bal maiden]

9 hours ago, Cheetah said:

Wait, I thought it was supposed to be once a day and TWICE on Sundays... you mean we could have been having a day off all this time ...   ??

LOL!!!

Remember the Lord’s day, and don’t poke it in the holey. I think that’s the commandment, anyway. 

[DarkAnts]

2 hours ago, Peaches-n-Beans said:

I would like to apologize in advance to my mom because she's on this site BUT

I'm a gay woman in my early 20s, currently single so my under the covers time is not spent with a person but rather a wonderful little device, and I cannot IMAGINE doing it 5-6 times a week. Like. 3 times a week is a lot for me. For anyone out there with a sex drive that high, good for you, that's awesome. But I think my lady bits started to collapse in on themselves reading that article and not just because of the 5-6 times thing

As an Ace, I wonder what this device is. I don't know if it will be useful to me. But, it's worth trying. 

[Daisy0322]

So my issue is the set number of times to have sex in a week. My sex drive fluctuates personally throughout the month and i think relationships in general go through phases. When we first got married we were honestly probably like 10-14 times a week then I got pregnant and for awhile, was like "don't touch me...you've done enough" ? I just get really cranky and sick pregnant. Now we've been married a few years and barring pregnancies we are probably at 2-4 times a week which is comparable to when we were dating. 

With that said I've been in other relationships that were different both ways... it depends on the couple everyone has different chemistry and sex drive go up and down 

[princessmahina]

7 minutes ago, Daisy0322 said:

So my issue is the set number of times to have sex in a week. My sex drive fluctuates personally throughout the month and i think relationships in general go through phases. When we first got married we were honestly probably like 10-14 times a week then I got pregnant and for awhile, was like "don't touch me...you've done enough" ? I just get really cranky and sick pregnant. Now we've been married a few years and barring pregnancies we are probably at 2-4 times a week which is comparable to when we were dating. 

With that said I've been in other relationships that were different both ways... it depends on the couple everyone has different chemistry and sex drive go up and down 

I’m currently pregnant with a honeymoon baby and...at the risk of TMI, I’m glad we had so much sex then because preg sex is the worst. We replaced it with Star Trek for the time being ?

[Alisamer]

On August 21, 2019 at 8:36 PM, nickelodeon said:

Assumptions? You mean “misconception #547324”

It is weird that Derick says “my parents used BC” and “some Christian families use BC” instead of actually addressing the commenter’s statement that he doesn’t use it. There must be some reason that he can’t just come out and say it (and it’s clearly not because he values taste and privacy...)

Possibly because Jill's parents would likely freak the heck out, since their entire "brand" and notoriety (and thus, a large part of their income) is based on "no birth control ever!!!!!!!!!1!"?

I could see Jill possibly saying "Yeah, OK, I get it - we need to limit the number of kids we have for lots of reasons. But please, please, please don't tell my parents!"  Whether there's still support from JB to lose or not, I'm sure Jill doesn't want to publicly go against the family party line in such and obvious way and alienate them. 

14 hours ago, Palimpsest said:

To me, Derick and Jill's sex advice is hilarious.  I think they are making it all up for hits and cash.

This would not surprise me.

12 hours ago, DarkAnts said:

I do love that he took Michelle Duggar's joyfully available quote and applied it to men.

I did notice and appreciate that, as well. So often all the burden is put on women, even though the bible makes it clear it goes both ways, so it's nice to see that from a fundie man. (Maybe especially one who has shown in the past his views are generally pretty terrible.)

[DarkAnts]

26 minutes ago, Daisy0322 said:

So my issue is the set number of times to have sex in a week. My sex drive fluctuates personally throughout the month and i think relationships in general go through phases. When we first got married we were honestly probably like 10-14 times a week then I got pregnant and for awhile, was like "don't touch me...you've done enough" ? I just get really cranky and sick pregnant. Now we've been married a few years and barring pregnancies we are probably at 2-4 times a week which is comparable to when we were dating. 

With that said I've been in other relationships that were different both ways... it depends on the couple everyone has different chemistry and sex drive go up and down 

As an asexual, I know I would fail their have sex at least once a night test, it's hard enough to find someone with the same low sex drive. Try to force us to have sex... Nope not happening. We may fuck with you if you continue to push the subject though. We like messing with people 

[Palimpsest]

@DarkAnts Things that could be better phrased. I thought the point was that you wouldn't fuck with them.  Just screw with their minds perhaps. ?

Edited August 23, 2019 by Palimpsest

[viii]

6 hours ago, DarkAnts said:

As an Ace, I wonder what this device is. I don't know if it will be useful to me. But, it's worth trying. 

Probably a vibrator, aka my best friend. 

[lumpentheologie]

@DarkAnts, I do know of Aces who enjoy vibrators, so if you haven't tried that you may want to check it out.  I know a lot of people identify as Aces because they aren't sexually attracted to anyone, but sexuality on one's own can be done without thinking/fantasizing about another person.  And other people don't have any sexual feelings at all, and that's okay too. 

[singsingsing]

The Duggars have really warped ideas about sex, which I know is like the oldest news ever to everyone here. But yeah, what about a couple where both people involved have lower sex drives? If the husband and wife in this scenario are both perfectly happy to only have sex, say, once a month, trying to force themselves to follow some arbitrary ‘4-5 time per week’ rule will do nothing but hurt their marriage.

[DarkAnts]

21 minutes ago, lumpentheologie said:

@DarkAnts, I do know of Aces who enjoy vibrators, so if you haven't tried that you may want to check it out.  I know a lot of people identify as Aces because they aren't sexually attracted to anyone, but sexuality on one's own can be done without thinking/fantasizing about another person.  And other people don't have any sexual feelings at all, and that's okay too. 

I don't think Derick would count it as doing it 6 times a week if I did it with a vibrator........ Like others said, there are other forms of intimacy. You don't have to have sex 6 times a week to have a healthy relationship.

 

As an ace, I  do need to make sure that the needs of my partner are being taken care of. This is something I am hyper aware of. I enter relationships with full disclosure. 

Edited August 23, 2019 by DarkAnts

[sableduck]

I actually think it’s decent advice.  They may have no idea their sex drive isn’t the norm for anyone considering(it’s assumed) that neither had other sexual partners.  If it’s working for them, excellent.  And it appears they’ve found what they both need.  I have three young kids and a full time job, my husband would probably love sex six times a week but it’s not happening right now.  

The big takeaway is that Derek clearly does not believe all BC is wrong.  They may have a lot of reasons for not wanting to come out and say yes, we’re planning our family and have used BC. That’s a huge paradigm shift for Jill and maybe it’s just not a hassle from her family she feels up to dealing with. If things are bad between JB and Derek, she may not want to add more fuel to the fire.  But I think it is fairly evident that there’s some family planning going on.

Truthfully we are not her target audience.  Growing up fundie, as I did, someone like Jill Duggar writing about sex would have been a valuable resource.  Especially since it’s not following the usual “please your husband and make babies all the time” nonsense.  Derek saying hey guys, be available to meet your wife’s needs—that’s unheard of in a lot of fundie circles.  She’s got lots of fundie girls and young women following her, and if she’s planting seeds of “BC is okay and your needs are important too” in their minds, I’m grateful for that.

Edited August 23, 2019 by sableduck

[louisa05]

On 8/21/2019 at 2:54 PM, Antipatriarch said:

Ah yes, the "Billy Graham Rule," as adopted by Mike Pence and others. If they can make it work, I'm sure Dwreck can too.

The way he writes about it here, it sounds so equal (both he and Jill do it). But many have noted how this unequally affects women's career advancement, when male bosses adopt this rule in the workplace. Think about all the bonding, the informal and ad-hoc conversations (both professional and personal), that one of his male subordinates can get but his female subordinates can't. Think about the missed opportunities; "Sorry Carol, I can't take you to be my co-presenter at this important sales presentation next week, we'd be travelling alone together. I have to take Bill." Think about how this ridiculous message of "I can't trust you to be alone with me without us doing something inappropriate" works against building healthy workplace relationships.

It's all of a piece with outdated, patriarchal, gender-based ideas about what's "appropriate" for women. Gah! Can we please get beyond this idea that every human relationship and interaction has to be contextualized with sex?

I worked with men in my department at Christian school who adhered to this. One  who did not was quickly told to within weeks of his working there. And in the midst of that, I was accused of wanting to break up his marriage for helping him settle in to a new school as a colleague. I was the single Jezebel who was "pushing him to be alone in a room" for nefarious reasons. It was the most humiliating experience I have ever had. Nothing beyond professional conversations had ever happened. It had never occurred to me that a married colleague would be a romantic interest or that showing someone where stuff was or answering questions about curriculum was immoral or could be construed as such. 

As for repair people, my father-in-law was an appliance repair person and began encountering women who would not let him in because their "chaperone" wasn't there yet in his last few years of working. He was very offended by it. He was a professional and a married man devoted to his own wife. It would not have occurred to him to act as if he were neither. 

And never mind the entire thought process of all of this--that men and women can't interact in any context without sexuality becoming part of it. It's absurd. We aren't animals in heat. 

[Alisamer]

21 minutes ago, louisa05 said:

And never mind the entire thought process of all of this--that men and women can't interact in any context without sexuality becoming part of it. It's absurd. We aren't animals in heat. 

Yeah this is the core ridiculousness of it. I'd forgotten entirely until just now, but the entire first week I worked at the company I'm with now, I was literally the only woman there, as I started when our office manager was out for the week. Guess what? No sex happened. None was even thought of, on my part, and I'm pretty certain on the guys' parts too. Most were married, a couple were not. The guys who weren't were both really cute, too. But you know what? We were working. We were all busy, and not once did anyone do or say anything inappropriate to me - in fact I think they cleaned up their language quite a bit the first couple weeks I was there, so as not to offend. 

I don't know why fundamentalists who claim to be so "moral" are actually so sex-obsessed and untrustworthy that they can't share an office with or ride in a car with someone of the opposite sex without jumping their bones, or worrying that other fundies will think they did so. The rest of the world does this sort of thing everyday, and the type of hanky panky they think must happen is actually rarely seen outside bad porn.

Which makes me wonder about the viewing habits of the men who seem to be the ones creating and leading these sorts of movements. Like how Lori Alexander is lazy, and thus assumes all women are lazy - some of these guys must be really sex obsessed and have no self-control, and thus assume all men are like that also.

[viii]

2 hours ago, sableduck said:

Derek saying hey guys, be available to meet your wife’s needs—that’s unheard of in a lot of fundie circles. 

I've been a part of three separate fundie groups and all three of them have spoken like this. I'm not sure where the misconception began (and I know every fundie crowd is different) but majority of fundie Christians know that the men have to be equal in meeting the woman's needs. 

2 hours ago, louisa05 said:

As for repair people, my father-in-law was an appliance repair person and began encountering women who would not let him in because their "chaperone" wasn't there yet in his last few years of working. He was very offended by it. He was a professional and a married man devoted to his own wife. It would not have occurred to him to act as if he were neither. 

Yes, exactly. My dad is an appliance repair man, and honestly - the thought would never cross his mind to take advantage of such situations. He's just so oblivious when it comes to those aspects. 

[sableduck]

1 hour ago, viii said:

I've been a part of three separate fundie groups and all three of them have spoken like this. I'm not sure where the misconception began (and I know every fundie crowd is different) but majority of fundie Christians know that the men have to be equal in meeting the woman's needs. 

Yes, exactly. My dad is an appliance repair man, and honestly - the thought would never cross his mind to take advantage of such situations. He's just so oblivious when it comes to those aspects. 

To be fair I am speaking only of my own experience in heavily VF and Gothard circles.  The sex advice I got from them was NOT focused on the husband meeting the wife’s needs. 

[srlm]

Could someone please tell me what ace/ aces means? 

[DarkAnts]

25 minutes ago, srlm said:

Could someone please tell me what ace/ aces means? 

Asexual. No sexual attraction to either gender. Like all sexual orientation, it's on a spectrum. I am at the extreme end of the spectrum. 

[Audrey2]

6 hours ago, Alisamer said:

I don't know why fundamentalists who claim to be so "moral" are actually so sex-obsessed and untrustworthy that they can't share an office with or ride in a car with someone of the opposite sex without jumping their bones, or worrying that other fundies will think they did so. The rest of the world does this sort of thing everyday, and the type of hanky panky they think must happen is actually rarely seen outside bad porn.

 

Not all of the rest of the world... You know what parts of the world are absolutely terrified about men and women being in proximity? The parts that are Muslim... That's right the ones the evangelicals can't stand.

[Daisy0322]

7 hours ago, viii said:

I've been a part of three separate fundie groups and all three of them have spoken like this. I'm not sure where the misconception began (and I know every fundie crowd is different) but majority of fundie Christians know that the men have to be equal in meeting the woman's needs.

Even if meeting their needs is specified women and men both- they're only taught to want missionary, procreating, very vanilla sex though correct? And if so then some people who be getting their needs met but not anyone whose into anything else. I mean there's a large range of creativity sexually speaking that they miss out on if they were potentially interested. I mean I'm not into anything i would consider extremely unusual but I do like to experiment.... it seems like there wouldn't be much room for that 

[Smee]

On 8/21/2019 at 4:02 PM, apandaaries said:

Wait, so your mom liked Sam enough that she decided to use it on the dog after she ran out of kids? 

Not criticizing, I love that plan. Dogs are family, too.

Yep. It was the chosen boys name when she was pregnant with my older sister too. I do remember complaining about her using it for the dog sometime in my late teens, because it meant I couldn’t use it for a child but it turns out I’m a hypocrite. Here we are a decade or so later and I named one of our cats Raphael, which is what my youngest daughter would have been called if she’d been a boy. We did name the other cat Michelangelo though, and THAT was never on a baby name shortlist!

[apandaaries]

16 minutes ago, Smee said:

Yep. It was the chosen boys name when she was pregnant with my older sister too. I do remember complaining about her using it for the dog sometime in my late teens, because it meant I couldn’t use it for a child but it turns out I’m a hypocrite. Here we are a decade or so later and I named one of our cats Raphael, which is what my youngest daughter would have been called if she’d been a boy. 

Looks like you’ve got a family tradition! ?  I love it.

Edited August 24, 2019 by apandaaries

[adidas]

Short story: I considered changing the dog’s name so that I could use it for my kid.

Long story: I suggested a baby name to Dh, he said he didn’t like it. So when we got a dog about a year later I asked if we could use the name for the pooch. He said yes - and he reiterated that he wouldn’t change his mind about using the name for our next kid.

Another year later I was pregnant with the next baby and struggling to think of names. He had the nerve to say ‘it’s such a shame we called the dog Molly, it would have been such an awesome name for the baby’.

I nearly killed him.

Thought about changing the dog’s name so I use use the name on the baby but couldn’t convince myself that it was a good idea.