Andrea Mills of YouTube infamy Had Cancer and Died

[HeadshipRegent]

holy moly this was fast. rest in peace. i hope for the best possible outcome for her kids. 

 

agreed with @Escadora

[mollysmom]

5 hours ago, Koala said:

  

The whole, "Andrea, wake up!" thing is really bothering me.  She is clearly in excruciating pain.  She shouldn't be disturbed for "the YouTube people".

That part really bothered me too. So much that I kept thinking about that particular moment at work today. My heart breaks for them. I personally have never seen someone go from seemingly healthy to...that! It's so sad. I feel terrible for the whole family. Her husband looks like he hasn't slept in days (probably hasn't) 

[mollysmom]

Am I understanding this correct? She was diagnosed with cancer on Friday & passed away on Monday? 3 days later? 

[ChickenettiLuvr]

Yes, I think that timeline is correct, @mollysmom. Hard to believe, even through the ethernet and lack of personal connection.

I worry about the little littles sitting there, hoping they aren't comprehending too much of it. Death is not pretty.

My heart hurts. 

Edited August 19, 2019 by ChickenettiLuvr

[Sobeknofret]

May her family be blessed with the peace that passeth all understanding in this terrible time. I will hold them in the light.

[Dandruff]

I hope the family reconsiders their approach to traditional medical screenings.  I'm saying this for the sake of the kids, since (see a few pages above) I question whether Andrea being more proactive could have reasonably changed her outcome.  My concern is that the next time one of the smaller kids catches a cold or other bug, or sees another family member feeling ill, they might become terrified that death is just around the corner.  Seems that Andrea largely handled her own and their medical care and they're both gone now despite the best of intentions.  I'm sure those kids don't need any extra anxiety.  Also, given the family history of cancer, I think it might not be a bad idea for someone in the family to start looking into potential signs and risk factors.  Might not help but could potentially allow for an earlier diagnosis or a bit of avoidance in the future.

[NurseNell]

What did her mother die of? My first thought when I read she had biliary tract cancer was a germline Bap1 mutation.

[fundiefollower]

2 minutes ago, NurseNell said:

What did her mother die of? My first thought when I read she had biliary tract cancer was a germline Bap1 mutation.

Andrea's mom died of lung cancer at age 51.  As far as I recall she didn't mention specifically what kind or if her mom had been a smoker.

[NurseNell]

1 minute ago, fundiefollower said:

Andrea's mom died of lung cancer at age 51.  As far as I recall she didn't mention specifically what kind or if her mom had been a smoker.

Well, if it was mesothelioma, which isn't properly lung cancer but many lay people refer to it as lung cancer, that is a Bap1 cancer.

[sableduck]

34 minutes ago, Dandruff said:

I hope the family reconsiders their approach to traditional medical screenings.  I'm saying this for the sake of the kids, since (see a few pages above) I question whether Andrea being more proactive could have reasonably changed her outcome.  My concern is that the next time one of the smaller kids catches a cold or other bug, or sees another family member feeling ill, they might become terrified that death is just around the corner.  Seems that Andrea largely handled her own and their medical care and they're both gone now despite the best of intentions.  I'm sure those kids don't need any extra anxiety.  Also, given the family history of cancer, I think it might not be a bad idea for someone in the family to start looking into potential signs and risk factors.  Might not help but could potentially allow for an earlier diagnosis or a bit of avoidance in the future.

To be fair(and I loathe people who don’t seek medical treatment for serious medical issues and I can’t stand homeopathy), biliary duct cancer isn’t something they regularly screen for. Even if she had seen a mainstream doctor early on, it would probably have not been caught.  The symptoms are vague and mimic many other things.  It’s a cancer that is often caught only when it has metastasized and is in its late stages.

[RosyDaisy]

CONTENT WARNING: if you watch their video "going home" they do show Andrea's body at the very end. 

Yeah, I had a panic attack. It triggered memories of my mother's death. I will never, ever understand showing pictures of dead bodies. It just screams attention seeking to me rather than a coping mechanism.

[refugee]

On 8/17/2019 at 10:36 AM, browngrl said:

This is very true. I don't know how many well educated, not adverse to treatment or screening people I have seen receive a horrible cancer diagnosis. Additionally even significant symptoms might be masked (eg a melanoma growing under scalp hair or in some other not routinely looked at space)  or which are more likely to represent a benign issue  (eg gallstones are far far more likely than a biliary cancer) or reasonably ignored for the time being  (sometimes people delay treatment because they have too much on their plate like the single mother who did not come in until she found childcare). The thing is if the cancer is so aggressive , early diagnosis might not make that much difference and also you have to think about the likelihood of a thing before doing tests. Tests done without thought result in far too many false positives - which comes with its own risks.

I blame fundies for a lot of things but I'd give them a pass on situations like this.

I thought for years after my brother died of cancer that he'd avoided doctors until symptoms got too bad to ignore, at which point it was too late. (We weren't close, and I had no other information to go on.) Then another brother (who was closer to the one who died than I was) told me what actually happened was that he went to the doctor because he didn't feel right, and the doctor dismissed him, misread his symptoms as something benign. I think he went back several times over a period of almost a year. By the time he decided to get a second opinion, it was too late.

Cancer can hit whether you have regular checkups or not. We've known more than one person who were "fine" at an annual checkup and then out-of-the-blue diagnosed with fast-moving cancer that took them within weeks or months of diagnosis. We've known others who waged a prolonged fight after early diagnosis. There is no one-size-fits-all.

Best wishes to all who are affected by this monster, whether themselves or someone they love.

[apandaaries]

5 minutes ago, RosyDaisy said:

3 hours ago, FecundFundieFundus said:

CONTENT WARNING: if you watch their video "going home" they do show Andrea's body at the very end. 

Yeah, I had a panic attack. It triggered memories of my mother's death. I will never, ever understand showing pictures of dead bodies. It just screams attention seeking to me rather than a coping mechanism.

I agree. That’s a bit much for YouTube. 

I also agree with everyone regarding cancer screenings and this type of cancer. It’s rare and vicious. My friend was a long term vegetarian with excellent exercise and health habits. It still took her in a matter of weeks, and part of that was difficulty diagnosing it. 

I think with the smoking-lung cancer connection, people can have a knee jerk reaction about “what did this person do to get this awful cancer?” Part of that is likely a defense mechanism— we want to know what to avoid. But sadly, cancer is usually just an uncaring brute taking out whomever it can. 

Not to say we should ignore known carcinogens, just that there is often no one to blame for this wretchedness. And that feels terrible, because there’s no way for survivors to knowingly avoid it. Sadly, silent risks like that seem to be as much a part of life as death. 

[feministxtian]

I don't want anyone to judge the way I'll deal with my husband's death. The first emotion I will feel is relief. I'm not one to have the big sobbing fit. Like when the mother died...my response was "oh thank God" and then I got rip roaring drunk. Planning to do the same thing this time. In many ways I'll be almost happy when he finally passes...he'll be free of the cancer that's eating him alive, free of the insulin pump that's kept him alive for the last 6 years, and hopefully he'll be reunited with his father and his sister. I'll be glad his suffering is over, that he's no longer dealing with a body that doesn't work, a brain that can't keep track of things or remember things. 

so...don't judge how someone grieves...some of us don't fall apart. That may happen later, but not when he passes. 

[OyHiOh]

3 minutes ago, feministxtian said:

I don't want anyone to judge the way I'll deal with my husband's death. The first emotion I will feel is relief. I'm not one to have the big sobbing fit. Like when the mother died...my response was "oh thank God" and then I got rip roaring drunk. Planning to do the same thing this time. In many ways I'll be almost happy when he finally passes...he'll be free of the cancer that's eating him alive, free of the insulin pump that's kept him alive for the last 6 years, and hopefully he'll be reunited with his father and his sister. I'll be glad his suffering is over, that he's no longer dealing with a body that doesn't work, a brain that can't keep track of things or remember things. 

so...don't judge how someone grieves...some of us don't fall apart. That may happen later, but not when he passes. 

I've passed through so many phases of thankfulness since my husband passed - the niggling suspicion that he was starting to decline cognitavely, the risk factors for Parkinson's, that he can't yell at our son and humiliate him anymore, that I don't feel pulled between his anxiety about new places and my desire to try out new things - and through phases of falling apart worthy grief too.  I just saw someone comment that neither grief nor love are linear experiences and that rings so very true right now!

[SoSoNosy]

I will come back and read all the discussion on this thread, but just wanted to say that my husband died from bilary duct cancer.  He lived six weeks after diagnosis.  He was under several doctors' care, but they thought he had gallstones and gave him the okay to take an extended trip to Egypt and Jordan.  Two days after we got back, he went into the hospital and didn't come home.  He was incredibly jaundiced, but wasn't in pain; while he didn't do all the walking/exploring that I did, he did a lot.  He had had weight loss surgery a year or so earlier, so having been obese most of his life his feet weren't really up to walking a lot.

It was a shock; that cancer doesn't react to chemo or radiation, and by the time you know you have it, it's really too late to do anything.

Edited August 19, 2019 by SoSoNosy

[HeadshipRegent]

I don’t want to judge anyone for the way they deal with death (minus showing the kids grieving because that feels like invading their private moment). We in the West have a really messed up relationship with death that borders on unhealthy a lot of the times from how we want to hide it away. It’s a part of life, and everyone should handle it as they see fit - and that includes if they wish to film it or not, maybe sharing with their subscribers makes Tom feels less alone at the time, who knows. 

In some countries, the deceased are kept in the home for years after they die and are cared for by family members. Now, I’m not saying we should all do that by any means, but maybe reconsider calling how people deal with a situation like this “attention seeking”. I sure wish I could have held onto my Grandma for a few hours after she died, and help get her ready for her wake.  

I highly recommend Caitlin doughty’s youtube videos and her two books for more perspective on this and being “death positive”, as she says. Her videos are excellent and very funny too. 

 

Edited August 19, 2019 by HeadshipRegent

[OyHiOh]

2 minutes ago, HeadshipRegent said:

I don’t want to judge anyone for the way they deal with death (minus showing the kids grieving because that feels like invading their private moment). We in the West have a really messed up relationship with death that borders on unhealthy a lot of the times from how we want to hide it away. It’s a part of life, and everyone should handle it as they see fit - and that includes if they wish to film it or not, maybe sharing with their subscribers makes Tom feels less alone at the time, who knows. 

In some countries, the deceased are kept in the home for years after they die and are cared for by family members. Now, I’m not saying we should all do that by any means, but maybe reconsider calling how people deal with a situation like this “attention seeking”. I sure wish I could have held onto my Grandma for a few hours after she died, and help get her ready for her wake.  

I highly recommend Caitlin doughty’s youtube videos and her two books for more perspective on this and being “death positive”, as she says. Her videos are excellent and very funny too. 

 

So much this!  I walked into my late husband's room minutes after he passed.  Due to drugs he'd been on, his ventilator had to run for an hour after he died.  I spent every minute of that hour with my arms wrapped around his, my head on his hand.  A few people I've told have had really strong "that's strange" reactions but it brings me tremendous comfort that I had that time.  

[FecundFundieFundus]

I'm definitely one of the ones who wants to say goodbye to the body as part of the grieving process (with warning, of course). One of the things seeing the Mills go through this brought up is, weirdly, jealousy. Shocking deaths are horrible but one of the worst things was seeing someone I love struggle so hard just to stay alive. Her quality of life was horrible for years and we kept hoping "well it'll get better with THIS treatment. THIS time the side effects/exhaustion/misery will be less and we can see her/eat together/visit a park/watch a movie." The cancer didn't just kill her it tortured her. Our family was destroyed once it was over. 

[apandaaries]

Are people really being whisked away from their deceased loved ones, or having them whisked away after passing in many American hospitals? That hasn’t been my experience.

Spoiler

I’m coming up on the 20th anniversary of the loss of my father this September. I got to the hospital late from college and he had passed. But they kept his body out for me to say goodbye to, without any pressure about time. This was in CA, so maybe it’s different elsewhere.

i also know of a Muslim woman who passed a few years ago whose sister was able to wash and prepare her body before burial. Have my experiences been that unique? ETA: genuinely curious, no snark, in case that needs to be stated.

Edited August 19, 2019 by apandaaries

[FecundFundieFundus]

1 minute ago, apandaaries said:

Are people really being whisked away from their deceased loved ones, or having them whisked away after passing in many American hospitals? That hasn’t been my experience.

  Hide contents

I’m coming up on the 20th anniversary of the loss of my father this September. I got to the hospital late from college and he had passed. But they kept his body out for me to say goodbye to, without any pressure about time. This was in CA, so maybe it’s different elsewhere.

i also know of a Muslim woman who passed a few years ago whose sister was able to wash and prepare her body before burial. Have my experiences been that unique?

They'll follow the wishes of the next of kin. Twice the next of kin didn't allow anyone in the room after the passing (one allowed an open casket wake for people to say goodbye and one decided against it). Death culture in America is kind of weird. When I go, I want an open casket for anyone who wants to see me for closure and then cremation. It's hard to know someone is gone but only have an anonymous urn to say your goodbyes to.

[SoSoNosy]

Spoiler

I am totally weird in that I didn't want to see my loved ones after death.   I have a weird memory that holds on to traumatic times with vivid reality, and I knew that I would live with that memory for the rest of my life, so I took the coward's way out.  My loved ones didn't die alone, they were surrounded by family, just not me.  I hate myself for being that way, but it was self protection.

 

Edited August 19, 2019 by SoSoNosy

[Caskett4ever]

My nana passed away in April and all of her family members were given the option of seeing the body. I personally chose not to because I wanted my last memory of my nana to be of her being the alive and the wonderful nana I had known her to be, not her lifeless body. I feel bad for my dad who found her and didn't get that choice.

As for Andrea, I feel terrible for her family. She went from seemingly healthy to gone in such a short amount of time that they might not have been able to fully process that she was doing to die before she did. That's rough. The only upside to this terrible situation is that she didn't suffer for very long. My thoughts are with her family as they begin to navigate life without her.

[OyHiOh]

34 minutes ago, apandaaries said:

Are people really being whisked away from their deceased loved ones, or having them whisked away after passing in many American hospitals? That hasn’t been my experience.

  Hide contents

I’m coming up on the 20th anniversary of the loss of my father this September. I got to the hospital late from college and he had passed. But they kept his body out for me to say goodbye to, without any pressure about time. This was in CA, so maybe it’s different elsewhere.

i also know of a Muslim woman who passed a few years ago whose sister was able to wash and prepare her body before burial. Have my experiences been that unique? ETA: genuinely curious, no snark, in case that needs to be stated.

For my late husband, when I signed the DNR proxy about 24 hours before he died (to give a sense of how quickly he went south, on Thursday he was getting better, there was a reasonable time frame for respiratory rehab and healing his trachiostomy, Friday he was fighting the ventilator again and spiked a fever, Saturday he had brain damage and sedated/vented was the best we could hope for, Sunday I signed the DNR and he passed early Monday morning), they put a "comfort measures" sign on his door that stayed up until the last of family left the room around 2.5 hours after he died.  I really like the comfort measures language - it clued in staff without announcing to every visitor on the floor that someone was actively dying.  The sign stopped the every 4 hour blood draws and quite a few other routine ICU procedures.  They kept his medications on board, made sure the vent was running optimally, gave me/family space to be quiet with him, had hospital social work on call for any needs, and would have had chaplancy on standby as well if I wanted it (not Christian and small enough they don't have a rabbi on call and mine was out of state at the time).  Staff told us over and over again there was no hurry, no rush, that they would take care of disconnecting equipment and all of the rest  when we were ready.

[moreorlessnu]

Random thoughts...

It was clear from the "Visit" video that Andrea was going to pass away sometime today. It made me sad all day, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. It also made me think how strange (is that the right word?) it would be if someone asked me if anything was wrong. The answer, "Someone I follow on Youtube is hours away from dying.." would just seem...odd.

I'll miss her videos; her calming and friendly personality. I especially liked her trips to Walmart videos (weird, I know...). It was interesting to see her choosing items she would use for craft projects and games for her kids' parties, and then see how she used those items to create her crafts and pull together her children's birthday parties. (Hannah's first birthday music themed party is a great example of Andrea's creativity.)  

I liked the editing of her Walmart videos; she would show the deserted drive on a snowy 2 lane highway in Wyoming (they don't live near a Costco or Target; the nearest Walmart is 20-30 minutes away, I believe), pulling into a near empty Walmart parking lot on December 23rd (where else in the USA does that happen?), and how she and Tom would work together to buy all the items on her list and fit them into one cart. She did a great job putting together videos of how she made things. Examples include a video of how she sewed backpacks for her kids (she made backpacks for her girls last Christmas, and a backpack for Solomon's birthday a few months back). She has a video of how she sewed the blouses she always wore. The video is not just a how-to of sewing the blouse, but an explanation of why that blouse pattern and how she chose it based on the shape of her figure.

It struck me that I kept thinking, "now may the kids will go to a public school, maybe be tested to see if they need additional services, like speech therapy, etc." while Tom kept mentioning on his videos that he would keep the channel alive. Then it occurred to me that maybe his mind kept going to keeping the channel alive because the Youtube videos were her important to her. That might be one of the reasons why he posted the live videos of taking Andrea home and the visit with the children. I do find it odd that he started the videos once she was largely out of it, and there weren't too many videos when she was alert. Then again, maybe he needed to busy himself with "doing something" once he knew she was not going to live. I trust he acted as she would have wanted; he seems like a husband who respected her wishes.

She has videos where she cries as she recounts her bad experiences with giving birth in a hospital when she wanted a home birth. Oddly enough, in broadcasting the live video of the transport to the plane and the hospice facility, Tom is unwittingly countering those videos by showing how well she was cared for in a hospital, and a hospice facility. I hope in her final days, Andrea felt cared for by the medical community and not disrespected by it. 

Strange that, as religious as they are, there was none of the "we should be happy for her; she is meeting Jesus face to face" sentiment...I would have expected that from Tom.

I wonder if it occurs to other homeschooling parents (or other families that center everything on the home, as Tom described it; home school, home church, etc.) that Andrea's death forces so many changes for her kids' schooling whereas if they were in public school, at least their school, teacher, curriculum, etc. would be something familiar that stayed the same in the event of a parent's tragic death.