Andrea Mills of YouTube infamy Had Cancer and Died

[FecundFundieFundus]

1 hour ago, Glasgowghirl said:

I watched Teen Mom a couple of weeks ago and it had a scene where Mackenzie and Josh sat down their children and were trying to explain that Mackenzie's mum's cancer had spread and that she wasn't going to get better, their oldest child, Gannon asked what would happen then and his facial expressions suggested that he wanted to know if she would die but couldn't bring himself to say it. 

Reading Angie's post from a few days ago made me think if MTV had focused more on her than Mackenzie there'd be a Douthit thread on FJ. Gannon and Jayvn are so close with her it's going to hit just as hard as losing a parent Satan of the Green Bean Can theology is always creepy but hopefully that gives them some comfort

[PumaLover]

Re: the cancer talk. We buried my childhood best friend yesterday. She was only 39. She was diagnosed less than a year ago with Stage 4 breast cancer, and she fought it literally to the end. It was heartbreaking. I feel guilty because I'm overweight and I drink and occasionally enjoy a cigarette, and she was healthy and ran marathons. She was just such a good person and everyone truly loved her. She had a young daughter. Life is just really not fair sometimes. 

I have been lurking on this thread and how fast Andrea went downhill was shocking to me. I could not imagine that happening to me or someone I love. I feel for her children, as I do for my friend's daughter (who has great support and seems to be doing well, thankfully). Cancer is just such an awful, unpredictable disease, and it's taken too many people that I care about.

[under siege]

Tom has decided to monetize. After a couple of polls on the community tab and a lot of focus on it since Andrea's demise he seems to think he now needs to justify the decision yet again.  "The Decision to Monetize ¦ Lets Chat" video was posted a few hours ago.

Also in it Tom discusses how the household has been running for a few months now. He said that Adrea was in bed for a month or so leading up to the time she went into hospital and it was the kids doing the housework or 'chores' as Tom called them. So it will continue along the same way for the most part.  Andrea's system on how the house was run meant the older kids were doing much of the work anyway and they were responsible for the littlies, especially in their 'teams/buddy system'

Don't get me wrong, chores are a great thing in any size household but kids raising kids... no, oh hell no!!
I can also empathize about the loss being monumental and there is no one right way to deal with it all and cope but this whole situation with so much responsibility placed on the older kids is very very troubling.

In a previous post, I mentioned that I used to watch about 50% of Andrea's videos. I realized how much I avoided too much of Tom - this 15-minute video was too much so if I do watch further videos it will either be on mute or skipped through quite a bit, especially now its evident Tom's going to be so very preachy.

Edited September 9, 2019 by under siege

[Koala]

Wow...it's really hard to think about the burden that has been placed on those kids. Sounds like they are indeed completely in charge of the household and one another.

 

[louannems]

In the past few days, the GoFundMe has slowed to a trickle. For how long do people usually leave these up?  He's made a year's salary, like another poster noted, and at what point is it just greed?

In one video, Tom thanked the donators and said it would come in handy for the funereal.  But in an earlier video, he pointed out that he had a life insurance policy on Andrea.

He , of course, didn't specify the amount on the policy, but said it wasn't a whole lot.  I do know that policies, when taken out early on younger people, can be quite inexpensive with large payouts.

[Dandruff]

7 hours ago, under siege said:

Also in it Tom discusses how the household has been running for a few months now. He said that Adrea was in bed for a month or so leading up to the time she went into hospital and it was the kids doing the housework or 'chores' as Tom called them. So it will continue along the same way for the most part.  Andrea's system on how the house was run meant the older kids were doing much of the work anyway and they were responsible for the littlies, especially in their 'teams/buddy system'

Sad that she was in bed for a month, but I guess the kids had time to absorb that she wasn't well before things went downhill so quickly.  I'm sure the outcome was still a shock, though.

[Giraffe]

This new info disturbs me even more. It sounds like he’s saying “See? We already had a smooth running household before she died so now that she’s gone nothing needs to change and I can continue adding to the kids’ workload. Convenient!” ? 

[Palimpsest]

6 hours ago, under siege said:

Don't get me wrong, chores are a great thing in any size household but kids raising kids... no, oh hell no!!
I can also empathize about the loss being monumental and there is no one right way to deal with it all and cope but this whole situation with so much responsibility placed on the older kids is very very troubling.

In a previous post, I mentioned that I used to watch about 50% of Andrea's videos. I realized how much I avoided too much of Tom - this 15-minute video was too much so if I do watch further videos it will either be on mute or skipped through quite a bit, especially now its evident Tom's going to be so very preachy.

Yes, the burden and responsibility, emotionally and practically, placed on the older children is deeply concerning.  By the looks of it, 15  year-old Asher and possibly 17 year-old Thomas (unless he is working at the grocery store) will have full responsibility for their 7 siblings from 9 - 5 (possibly longer) Monday, Tuesday, Thursday pm, Friday, and Saturday.  I doubt Tom works on Sunday.  That is a ratio of adult staff to children that would be unacceptable in most day cares and preschools.  

And the older children have their regular chores and have picked up many of Andrea's too.  And that will continue for the foreseeable future.  

Also I noticed Tom rolled back the staying at home on Wednesdays and Thursdays commitment to working from home all day Wednesday and Thursday mornings only.  He's Ok with scheduling work for Thursday pm. For those who haven't had time to watch, Tom already worked from home on Wednesdays.  Wednesday is the start of their school week where they set goals and assessed how these had been accomplished.

And, yes, Tom is very preachy.  I find him almost unwatchable.  He seemed quite chipper probably because he was preaching in this video.  Although he choked up when he talked about Andrea miscarrying and about her videos are her legacy to him and the children.

The ads are already up.  Tom says they could make anywhere between $600 to $10K a month, he doesn't know.  But they will never rely on that money!!  Even though he would rather give up work altogether and stay home to raise his children.

The use of the Dishonest Steward parable in that video was interesting.  I got the feeling that Tom used it because in his mind he is liberating wealth from the unrighteous unbelieving viewers for his righteous cause -- raising up his children to be Godly.

1 hour ago, louannems said:

In the past few days, the GoFundMe has slowed to a trickle. For how long do people usually leave these up?  He's made a year's salary, like another poster noted, and at what point is it just greed?

In one video, Tom thanked the donators and said it would come in handy for the funereal.  But in an earlier video, he pointed out that he had a life insurance policy on Andrea.

I've seen some left up for years while others have a specified time limit or are taken down when they reach their goal.  GFM may delete inactive ones periodically, but I don't know.

Greed, I don't know.  There's a whole lot of self-justification going on with Tom about both the GFM and monetizing the youtube channel.  He made it seem that he was pressured into setting up the GFM and they really didn't need need the money.  He keeps going on about how reluctant they both were to monetize youtube too.   

But he is obviously now happy about receiving donations and deciding to monetize.  He says it is only so he can spend more time with his children.  I hope it is quality time spent with them and taking over some of the chores from the kids, Tom.

No-one is forced to give money to him and plenty of people use ad blockers on youtube.  Now if Asher set up a GFM for a college fund, or even a running away fund, I'd be tempted to donate.

[under siege]

Just now, Palimpsest said:

He keeps going on about how reluctant they both were to monetize youtube too.   

But he is obviously now happy about receiving donations and deciding to monetize.  He says it is only so he can spend more time with his children.  I hope it is quality time spent with them and taking over some of the chores from the kids, Tom.

No-one is forced to give money to him and plenty of people use ad blockers on youtube.  Now if Asher set up a GFM for a college fund, or even a running away fund, I'd be tempted to donate. 

 

It was the fixation on the GFM and monetization that was really off-putting to me. At first, it seemed a coping mechanism and something he could somehow control when Andrea's health was spiralling out of control (and maybe it still is) but it was certainly a focus that, if God truly was in control, goes against his own preaching.

If he ever watches all her videos again I  think Tom may be shocked to find how much Andrea discussed why she firmly would not monetize her channel.
I'm not against a channel being monetized  (although I do have ad-block) and I certainly can't blame a family in this situation for doing so, but I hope Tom doesn't continue discussing it because if he does it will seem the videos are for pay not for what Andrea designed her channel to be.

As for Asher, I would also support a GFM for his future endeavours in a heartbeat.

[dharmapunk]

8 hours ago, under siege said:

Also in it Tom discusses how the household has been running for a few months now. He said that Adrea was in bed for a month or so leading up to the time she went into hospital and it was the kids doing the housework or 'chores' as Tom called them.

It sounds like Tom is changing the story all the time. So Andrea was so sick that she had to stay in bed for a whole month before she went to get medical care? Before reading this I thought she was just feeling a bit off and then died within just a few days. Yes, I understand that she would probably have died either way, but it seems it was not nearly as sudden as it seemed at first.

[FreeFundiesKids]

On 9/7/2019 at 4:45 PM, Koala said:

Andrea Mills had 9 children, and a cancer that she likely inherited from her mother.  Did you catch the part where doctors are advising Tom to have genetic testing done on all of their daughters?  Yeah.

 

I hope that her sisters will do a genetic testing and their daughters too. 

[Alisamer]

20 minutes ago, dharmapunk said:

It sounds like Tom is changing the story all the time. So Andrea was so sick that she had to stay in bed for a whole month before she went to get medical care? Before reading this I thought she was just feeling a bit off and then died within just a few days. Yes, I understand that she would probably have died either way, but it seems it was not nearly as sudden as it seemed at first.

Maybe I'm remembering wrong, but I though they had been on a trip or something, and she had started feeling ill during that? They did make it seem like it was extremely sudden.

And I'm not trying to pass blame of any sort, here, but if you're basically bedridden (especially while pregnant, and especially especially if it's not something familiar from your many previous pregnancies), I think after a couple days max of no improvement it's time to see a doctor. Although I do understand -medical costs are ridiculous, they have questionable at best "insurance", etc. And in the end, there was nothing that could be done.

It does make me think about how if she'd been, say, working a job outside the home, she likely would have gotten some medical care sooner. The kids are the major losers throughout this, and through the entire existence of their family - on top of all the trauma, they're now having to completely maintain a household and raise each other. 

[under siege]

7 minutes ago, Alisamer said:

Maybe I'm remembering wrong, but I though they had been on a trip or something, and she had started feeling ill during that? They did make it seem like it was extremely sudden.

 

1

ICYMI - a bit of a recap - yes, the cancer diagnoses was very sudden. From the time Andrea went to hospital to have her gall surgery to the time of passing was a matter of days.
Yes, she was feeling unwell during the last trip. So much so that she missed a lot of the conference.
Andrea was feeling unwell for months - she had posted about it on her community tab. She had a lot of bowel and digestive issues and had started to see a chiropractor and started taking a herbal remedy that had worked for her in the past.
She was pregnant and still nursing baby Hannah so if there were any early warning signs much of that could have been put down to a combination of bowel/digestive problems, hormones, back and other issues and goodness knows what else.

[Palimpsest]

10 minutes ago, under siege said:

Andrea was feeling unwell for months - she had posted about it on her community tab. She had a lot of bowel and digestive issues and had started to see a chiropractor and started taking a herbal remedy that had worked for her in the past.
She was pregnant and still nursing baby Hannah so if there were any early warning signs much of that could have been put down to a combination of bowel/digestive problems, hormones, back and other issues and goodness knows what else.

Yes.  She might not have put it all together, but I also wonder whether there was a level of denial going on there too.  Feeling so ill that she needed to stay in bed for a month, means that she was feeling very ill indeed.  And Tom may also have been in denial as to how ill she was.  The thought of cancer (like her mother's cancer) was so terrifying they mentally shelved it.

And, no, this suggestion is not victim-blaming either.  In psychological terms denial is a powerful defense mechanism that can be functional temporarily in some situations.  Obviously it can be very destructive when people are seriously ill and denying it to themselves.  But I have known otherwise rational, very well educated, medically compliant people deny serious symptoms too and delay getting care.  We still don't know whether earlier identification would have changed the outcome here, but what happened is tragic however you look at it.  

I also wonder whether Tom is in denial at the moment about how seriously Andrea's death will affect the family functioning in the long run.  In some ways he seems to understand the impact on the family, in others he doesn't seem to understand the impact it will have on the children.  He is denying the need for counselling, seems to think the older boys can keep things going, and is "trying" to work from home one half day more a week. 

[fundiefollower]

2 hours ago, Palimpsest said:

 

Yes, the burden and responsibility, emotionally and practically, placed on the older children is deeply concerning.  By the looks of it, 15  year-old Asher and possibly 17 year-old Thomas (unless he is working at the grocery store) will have full responsibility for their 7 siblings from 9 - 5 (possibly longer) Monday, Tuesday, Thursday pm, Friday, and Saturday.  I doubt Tom works on Sunday.  That is a ratio of adult staff to children that would be unacceptable in most day cares and preschools.

Also I noticed Tom rolled back the staying at home on Wednesdays and Thursdays commitment to working from home all day Wednesday and Thursday mornings only.  He's Ok with scheduling work for Thursday pm. For those who haven't had time to watch, Tom already worked from home on Wednesdays.  Wednesday is the start of their school week where they set goals and assessed how these had been accomplished.

 

It was my understanding that Tom worked Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday out in the community making calls and was home on Wednesdays for walk-ins and doing remote work.  I don't think he ever worked on Saturdays and for sure not on Sundays.  Saturdays were their "work around the house days".  Yard work and stuff, or doing projects at his mom's (grandma Kitty) house/property.  I know video's covered him working 5 Saturdays at her house in spring 2018 building her raised garden beds for her green house. 

[Dandruff]

Hope Tom knows what to do to best keep himself in good health.

[moreorlessnu]

Very sad to hear that Andrea had been bed ridden for a month prior to her death. She must have been suffering for a long time.

 

[Curious]

8 hours ago, Palimpsest said:

The ads are already up.  Tom says they could make anywhere between $600 to $10K a month, he doesn't know.  But they will never rely on that money!!  Even though he would rather give up work altogether and stay home to raise his children.

If he can make a living wage off YT, I say more power to him.  Work from home *every day*  use the money to live on and bank you salary from working at home and take care of your children yourself.  Don't put that pressure on your teenaged boys and 9 (?) year old girl.

They are CHILDREN.  They are not meant to be raising a family right now!

[Curious]

7 hours ago, dharmapunk said:

It sounds like Tom is changing the story all the time. So Andrea was so sick that she had to stay in bed for a whole month before she went to get medical care? Before reading this I thought she was just feeling a bit off and then died within just a few days. Yes, I understand that she would probably have died either way, but it seems it was not nearly as sudden as it seemed at first.

I don't follow this family, but from what I've read it seems like they may have thought the pregnancy was causing some of the ill health.  She wasn't very far along and early pregnancy can be a bitch, even if you've had plenty of pregnancies before so it seems natural they would think it was connected until the symptoms went out of the realm of possibly being pregnancy related.

Her death was still quite sudden.

[sdjp123]

I wish that Tom would realize that admitting  your children have run the household and been primary caretakers for your young children for 1-3 months should not be a point of pride. It is not a sign that you and Andrea have done a great job of raising your children. It is a sign that you have, and plan to continue, expecting your children to take on YOUR responsibilities.  Your children are not responsible for raising their younger siblings or for completely running the household.  

[FreeFundiesKids]

Tom Mills gave an update on GoFundMe. According to the update; Thomas is having strong faith. Asher is still doing most of pulling everything and prefers left alone sometimes (I hope that he will rebels when he's 18 and be an atheist). Judah is still grieving in bed in nights. Justus is still mischievous but initially Tom worried about him. Most sad part that tugs at my heart that Eden is saddest kid in the bunch (Poor Eden- I wish she could go to an female professional therapist.) Solomon is "tough boy" he don't cries. Sophia and Claudia is still processing- Sophia shows emotion. Tom said that Claudia thinks her mom is a zombienow.

[Giraffe]

25 minutes ago, FreeFundiesKids said:

Tom Mills gave an update on GoFundMe. According to the update; Thomas is having strong faith. Asher is still doing most of pulling everything and prefers left alone sometimes (I hope that he will rebels when he's 18 and be an atheist). Judah is still grieving in bed in nights. Justus is still mischievous but initially Tom worried about him. Most sad part that tugs at my heart that Eden is saddest kid in the bunch (Poor Eden- I wish she could go to an female professional therapist.) Solomon is "tough boy" he don't cries. Sophia and Claudia is still processing- Sophia shows emotion. Tom said that Claudia thinks her mom is a zombienow.

“Still grieving,” “still processing” - these children lost their mother less than a month ago! Of COURSE they’re still grieving & processing that!!! And you’re not helping them!!!!  Are you expecting them to just wake up and pretend everything’s fine???

eta, @FreeFundiesKids - my ranting is towards Tom, not you!

Edited September 10, 2019 by Giraffe
Clarifying

[RosyDaisy]

I have a cousin who died from inflammatory breast cancer. She was lead a very healthy lifestyle and very much believed in modern medicine. She went from having a painful lump to dead in 3 months. There is nothing Andrea could have done to prevent her death or increase her life span even if diagnosed earlier. I don't know what role her pregnancy played. Cancer is an evil serial killer.

[Koala]

"Hasn't really been sad"

"Mostly fine" 

"Doing very well most of the time"

"Seems to be doing fine"

"Seems totally fine"

"...doesn't seem to be too bad off"

"...still her happy self"

Yeah, no.  They aren't fine.  They lost their mom, and now they are faced with filling her shoes.  The older ones are keeping a house, and raising a houseful of little siblings, pretty much single handedly.  The younger ones are probably incredibly confused, frightened, and sad.  Meanwhile, their dad thinks they're "fine", and the teenagers raising them are struggling through their own grief.  Nothing about any of that is "fine".

I think Tom is really missing a lot, here.  In the videos he's posted, it's so obvious that those kids (especially Eden and Asher) are struggling, and deeply grieving their mama.  It's heartbreaking...

Tom also acknowledges that Asher is "pulling most of the weight" by helping "fill in the gaps".  How long can such  a young kid bear that kind of load, though?  Tom says he's "mostly fine", but somehow the brokenhearted look on his face makes me doubt that.

There's a lot of denial on Tom's part.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't wondering- is Tom's mom retired?  If not, maybe she could come during the day.  I know if it was my grandbabies, that's exactly what I would do.  Same for my nieces and nephews.  No way could I sit home, knowing they were all alone, grieving, and trying to take care of each other and a house.  Those kids need an adult at home with them during the day.  Leaving them like this just isn't right.

[under siege]

2 hours ago, FreeFundiesKids said:

Tom Mills gave an update on GoFundMe. According to the update; Thomas is having strong faith. Asher is still doing most of pulling everything and prefers left alone sometimes (I hope that he will rebels when he's 18 and be an atheist). Judah is still grieving in bed in nights. Justus is still mischievous but initially Tom worried about him. Most sad part that tugs at my heart that Eden is saddest kid in the bunch (Poor Eden- I wish she could go to an female professional therapist.) Solomon is "tough boy" he don't cries. Sophia and Claudia is still processing- Sophia shows emotion. Tom said that Claudia thinks her mom is a zombienow.

Oh no, this is troubling. When I previously commented "not all 9 kids are going to come away from this okay" I had a bad feeling that Tom didn't know his kids too well and they, especially the older ones, were going to have to just toughen up and get on with life. My heart sincerely goes out to all of the kid but in particular Asher and Eden. I'm so worried about those two.   Soloman too, he's always seemed quite fragile emotion wise (even Andrea had said as much).  Fair enough, faith will HELP them through but kids need outlets for all the grief. Not just the sadness but the rage and everything else. If forced to internalize all this then some of them are really not going to come away from this okay