Andrea Mills of YouTube infamy Had Cancer and Died

[Tangy Bee]

Wait...did this lady already pass away? I just found out she had cancer last week.

[moreorlessnu]

Sadly, yes. Diagnosed with cancer on Friday, miscarried her 10th baby on Saturday, and died Monday morning. The funeral was yesterday. 

An unfathomable timeline of events...

[Queen Of Hearts]

2 hours ago, moreorlessnu said:

Earlier in this thread there was a discussion as to whether Sarah Maxwell would be a potential partner for Tom. What about Jana Duggar?

Tom will be 43 in October so there would be a little bit of an age difference. Jana is experience with running a household with many kids. She is kind, sweet and loving to small kids.

Personally, I find such speculation in bad taste considering Andrea's body is barely in the ground and especially considering that the Mills don't even run in the same circles as the Duggars and Maxwells.  There is no indication that Tom is on the hunt for a meek and obedient wife.  Really, it seemed like Andrea was the driving force in that family.  Just because Tom is Christian and has a big family doesn't mean he would be so quick to replace Andrea for his own comfort.  Should he remarry in the future, my money would be on it being a family friend - someone who knew Andrea and they would have that bond in common.  

[Dandruff]

1 hour ago, moreorlessnu said:

Sadly, yes. Diagnosed with cancer on Friday, miscarried her 10th baby on Saturday, and died Monday morning. The funeral was yesterday. 

An unfathomable timeline of events...

I suspect that having her gallbladder out and going through labor both sped things along.

[Queen Of Hearts]

If anyone is interested, here is Tom's latest update on the GoFundMe page.  

Quote

I am overwhelmed that donations are still coming in. You guys have no idea what a comfort it is to know that things are going to be taken care of. One of the hospitals we went to gives a 30% discount if you pay within 30 days, but our samaritan ministries will take longer than that to take care of. With the money you all have generously donated we can pay that now, and then get reimbursed.

Today has been the first really productive day I have had. Me and Asher sat down and made a list of all the things we do in the house; from changing diapers to making dinner. It's by no means complete yet, but we have a good chunk. Once we complete it we will divide things up between family members based on time and availability.

We used some of your donation money to get enough Alexa devices to put one in every room. This will work as an intercom, as well as send reminders for chores and wake up, go to bed messages. This will help streamline a lot of what we do. While Andrea had a lot of lists, I live my life by my google calendar and to do lists.

Tonight is the 24th, as you guys probably know, it is our date night. I will not allow myself to miss this as out planned shopping trip. I will be taking either Asher or Thomas with me to start, and I will even try to take some video of our first shopping trip without Andrea, but I don't know when I will get it up. Honestly I wasn't wanting to start so soon, but our channel is about how to life REAL LIFE! Many people are helped by lots of things, but we have never tackled how a large family recovers from something like the loss of the mommy. Emotionally I am stronger than I was but still am shaky. I'm not sleeping very long or eating as much...but I always did want to lose some weight. 

People have given a fair amount of hate for things as simple as choosing to live stream the funeral, to more complex like showing Andrea's body on camera. But in the same way Andrea had no idea she would be comforting her own family through her death, and helping us to handle chores...who knows who I may be helping on how to put life together after someone passes, maybe one of my kids some day. Real life keeps going, it doesn't stop for grief, and yet we must take it. While some may think I am being disrespectful, those of you who know my wife understand...if I didn't do these things, then THAT would be the disrespect...and I WON'T allow that!

Thank you all so very, very much.

 

[FecundFundieFundus]

How bitchy would it be to criticize prioritizing Alexa devices over more practical items? He's right in the the first wave of grief, I know... Just, ugh. He's literally planning out how to further parentify the children and get away with not even teaching them to read, let alone provide a childhood and decent educational foundation. 

Fundamentalism has a lot to answer for. Tom is just being more open about the educational neglect than most fundies, but I doubt he's the only one skipping even the basics.

[Koala]

Whatever the answer is, I am 100% it is not Alexa.  Or Asher.  He's far too young to carry this burden.  He also shouldn't have his grief put on display, in order to "help" his mother's Youtube followers. Those people are all adults, and if they need help with their own grieving, then they should get it.  It should not come at the expense of a child, who doesn't get a vote in being live streamed through their own loss. 

Again, my concern is that he is much more focused on this channel, than he is with helping his young children cope with the loss of their mom.  Handing them a list of Andrea's chores is not going to accomplish that.  There is a very real possibility that they will need grief counseling.  Editing videos of himself grocery shopping should be at the bottom of his list right now.

When my father was dying, I had to make the decision to have him taken off life support.  He'd had a massive heart attack, followed by a stroke.  As if that wasn't enough, they discovered that he was literally eaten up with cancer.  Even still, it was hands down the hardest choice I've ever had to make.   

For the year after his death, my husband watched me very closely.  We both felt that I might come to a point where I needed to talk to a counselor to help me wrap my mind around it.  In the end, I was able to get through it without that, but only because my husband was the most supportive person I could have ever hoped to have by my side through a loss.

Andrea's kids don't seem to have that kind of support- they have Tom, and right now he's (understandably) in survival mode.  There was some lady carrying one of the little girls at the funeral, and as she sat her down in the chair in front of her mother's casket, all I could think was- Please don't sit her down and walk away.  She's so far down the line from her Dad.  She and Eden are essentially sitting alone.  Sit with them, and hug them as they spend their final moments with their mom. 

But she didn't.  I don't blame her at all, because I'm sure she was just doing what she thought she was supposed to, but it broke my heart for the girls, when she walked away.

I really do hope he will consider some help for them.  I doubt Scamaritan would cover it, but it would truly be a good use of some of the donations.
 

Quote

One of the hospitals we went to gives a 30% discount if you pay within 30 days, but our samaritan ministries will take longer than that to take care of. With the money you all have generously donated we can pay that now, and then get reimbursed.

I would 100% not hold my breath waiting for that reimbursement.  I'd bet you dollars to donuts that they will tell him that the donations covered the expense, and they were going to hold onto that money to help another family.  Just watch.  Those people are shady as fuck.

[Ash]

Do you think Tom's insistence and utter focus on keeping the YT channel going is his way of keeping Andrea alive? It feels that way to me.

[sableduck]

To be honest, I use Alexa for all that stuff. Intercom, lists, alarms, everything. If I died my completely overwhelmed husband would probably stick more echos throughout the house and use it just like Tom. Andrea was clearly the mastermind of the home and I think Tom is just trying to figure out how to do it all. I mentioned earlier that I knew a QF mom who died very young. Dad never remarried, but he struggled for several years trying to figure out how to manage the house.  Even meal planning and grocery shopping was foreign because she’d done all of it.  And with the absolute suddenness of Andrea’s death, Tom must be even more lost.  I don’t agree with filming kids ever, but her videos may actually be a big help for him.

[ViolaSebastian]

To be fair, Tom is a technology-centric guy, and I think his instinct is to recognize a problem and try to fix it with technology--which I think is what he's trying to do with installing the Alexas. Unfortunately, kids need more parenting than that, which I think he'll realize in time. I just think right now he's grasping at straws to try to fill the Andrea-shaped space that's been created.

[Petronella]

1 hour ago, sableduck said:

To be honest, I use Alexa for all that stuff. Intercom, lists, alarms, everything. If I died my completely overwhelmed husband would probably stick more echos throughout the house and use it just like Tom. Andrea was clearly the mastermind of the home and I think Tom is just trying to figure out how to do it all. I mentioned earlier that I knew a QF mom who died very young. Dad never remarried, but he struggled for several years trying to figure out how to manage the house.  Even meal planning and grocery shopping was foreign because she’d done all of it.  And with the absolute suddenness of Andrea’s death, Tom must be even more lost.  I don’t agree with filming kids ever, but her videos may actually be a big help for him.

Can you share how Alexa helps with any of that? I'm honestly baffled. I use google calendar and a million lists, so I get lists and schedules. But how does an alarm help with that? Doesn't it just beep or speak or whatever and then stop, so if you miss it it's gone? And why have one in every room instead of on the phone in your pocket? Maybe it really is a great way to do this stuff but I genuinely don't get it.

I worry that he's aiming to do everything just like she did. That's not what the family needs. They need to figure out how *they're* going to do it going forward, which may be better different. (Of course with a transition time of doing things in ways they're used to, but that would come from patterns they already know well and don't need to research.)

He said: "who knows who I may be helping on how to put life together after someone passes, maybe one of my kids some day"

What about your kids today? Be here today. Look at your kids today. Be with THEM. Let the YouTube audience look after themselves. Let the distant future look after itself. Your future kids will thank you for comforting them NOW.

He said: "While some may think I am being disrespectful, those of you who know my wife understand...if I didn't do these things, then THAT would be the disrespect...and I WON'T allow that!"

He seems very concerned with what Andrea would have liked, and with what the YouTube audience might benefit from, and what his eventually adult children might appreciate. Not so much with the kids now. It's the kids now who need him.

He is grieving. I get that. But the kids are dependent on him. He needs to factor them in, above the YouTube audience AT LEAST.

 

 

Edited August 25, 2019 by Petronella

[Petronella]

Adding:

Something I've been becoming very aware of recently (and which I've talked about in other threads) is about the way things change. Life has different stages, in which we naturally behave differently. (Ecclesiastes in the Bible talks about this in lovely poetry.)

It's no betrayal of Andrea to do things differently from how she'd done them, not only because different people have different strengths and abilities, so of course must do things differently--but because EVEN ANDREA might have come to do things differently under different circumstances. The way they lived might have changed over time, as the kids grew. And the kids are in a specific situation now that Andrea never encountered. Just because she loved filming the family's routine doesn't necessarily mean she would have wanted to film their grief.

And, even if she would have wanted to, those left behind have to take responsibility their own decisions about whether that's actually a good idea.

Clearly he's finding comfort and maybe a feeling of her presence in following in her footsteps of filming. But she never filmed THIS. Claiming that it would disrespect Andrea to stop filming is not healthy, no not at all. And it shuts the door to even asking himself whether it should continue and in what way, a question he ideally would be thinking about fresh each day as he discovers the way this brand new situation evolves.

I'm glad that his indignant response shows that some people are speaking directly to him about this. May he be surrounded by good friends who can gently nudge towards the best ways to cope and move forward.

[raspberrymint]

17 hours ago, FecundFundieFundus said:

At 13 weeks it's unlikely that Cyrus qualifies as human remains by law. We got a "freebie" plot burying a late term miscarried baby in a relative's one person plot because he was a week or so younger than the deadline. Law is weird and very specific! 

What is the minimum age?

[FecundFundieFundus]

Just now, raspberrymint said:

What is the minimum age?

Where we live, 20 weeks gestation. 

[raspberrymint]

I doubt the kids will go to public school.  According to Zillow (which, granted, may not be accurate), the nearest public schools are about thirty miles from their town.

[Dandruff]

7 hours ago, Ash said:

Do you think Tom's insistence and utter focus on keeping the YT channel going is his way of keeping Andrea alive? It feels that way to me.

I think it's part of the reason.  I also think that his initial ambivalence about taking donations has evolved into full acceptance.

He does have a lot on his plate right now.  I agree with @ViolaSebastianthat he's a tech-oriented guy is therefore looking for solutions in the area he's strong in.  I understand this.  He also (IMO) needs to find non-tech ways to communicate with and show love to his children that will work for THEM.  The guests will eventually leave but the children will still need holding.

[Petronella]

35 minutes ago, raspberrymint said:

I doubt the kids will go to public school.  According to Zillow (which, granted, may not be accurate), the nearest public schools are about thirty miles from their town.

30 miles?? Wow. That surprises me hugely. (I am not a rural person.)

[Giraffe]

Tom, if you read here, please please PLEASE stop recording and go focus on your kids. Yes, perhaps you could be helping Andrea’s supporters, but, quite frankly, it’s not your job to help them. Your children need your help way beyond what Andrea’s supporters need, even if they genuinely appreciate you keeping them updated. 

When your world fell apart, so did your children’s. Make sure you don’t become another absent parent simply because you believe you’re providing help to strangers. The biggest help you can provide anyone right now is to support your children. And you being on YouTube and showing your kids, etc., is not helping your children. They need you present with them. And if you don’t? You risk alienating every single one of them as they enter adulthood. 

The best way to keep Andrea’s memory alive is to spend time with your grieving children. I’m sure she would much rather you provide the best care possible to her children and neglect the channel rather than what it appears now - keeping the channel active while neglecting your children. Don’t neglect them in your desire to keep strangers in the know. 

[raspberrymint]

36 minutes ago, Petronella said:

30 miles?? Wow. That surprises me hugely. (I am not a rural person.)

There are places where schools are further away from homes than 30 miles.  Very remote areas are over an hour from schools.  Those are mostly in Alaska, but I've noticed this in other areas in the states, too.

[moreorlessnu]

5 hours ago, Dandruff said:

I think it's part of the reason.  I also think that his initial ambivalence about taking donations has evolved into full acceptance.

He does have a lot on his plate right now.  I agree with @ViolaSebastianthat he's a tech-oriented guy is therefore looking for solutions in the area he's strong in.  I understand this.  

In one of the videos, Tom mentioned he would make less money if he only worked out of the house as opposed to going on site to do his work. He may be thinking that if he monetizes the channel, that income might offset the money he would lose by  working out of the house, and that would allow him to be at home full time for the children. (I'm  wondering if the children would qualify for social security benefits if Andrea was entitled to any?)

He may also be thinking strategically that this horrible sequence of events has brought more people to the channel. If he stops the channel for 3 months and then returns, he may lose people. If he keeps the channel updated during this difficult time, he has a chance of keeping both the new and existing viewers.

 

[apandaaries]

6 hours ago, Petronella said:

30 miles?? Wow. That surprises me hugely. (I am not a rural person.)

Back in my early years of high school (?1992 ish), we had very rural students who lived on campus housing during the week. Those students lived at least at hour from school; transportation was lengthy at best and always petrol-heavy.

By the time I’d graduated, they had phased this out. I was glad they were allowing people to spend more time at home, bus time be damned.

[sdjp123]

There actually are schools in Moorcroft where the Mills live. Moorcroft K-8 school at 13 Country Ln, Moorcroft, WY 82721 and Moorcroft High School at 47 Country Ln, Moorcroft, WY 82721. Both schools are within walking distance of their home. So distance has nothing to do with the Mills children not attending public school.

I've always thought Andrea and Tom's refusal to allow their children to attend public school  (to the point of stating that their kids wouldn't be allowed even if they wanted to) was a combination of Andrea's heavy reliance on the kids for the running of the household and their wacky government/authority conspiracy ideas that were generally not publicly voiced by either of them with the exception of a few videos and occasional comments. I doubt Andrea's death will change this as it is more likely that the kids will be taking on even more responsibility for the household, not less.

[FecundFundieFundus]

Living in a dorm as an older teen was amazing. Very much preferred it over being isolated out in the sticks. 

[under siege]

My biggest concern is for Tom and his ability to understand the needs of his children going forth, not just in their grief. Yes he loves his kids and yes he has been somewhat involved in some aspects of their lives (I guess you could include Magic Night in there at a stretch) but he was always dissociated from them to a high degree. I had hoped that was just how it came across due to editing but the lives have somewhat diminished that hope.
Andrea loved babies, Tom loved Andrea. She had to really push him into having more than just a couple of children. They talked about it a few times, even in their Q&A together.  Andrea was so desperate for more babies that she used a fertility cream. I'd understand the need for babies if she had trouble after one or two but after seven or eight? Her craving for babies (not children mind, babies) was intense and one of the things that made me unsettled watching her take about the subject.
(It may get a bit awkward when the littles grow up and somewhat comprehend that their existence wasn't exactly God's will  considering their father took a lot of convincing)
My biggest hope is regarding Granma Kitty. She may just be the beacon of light for some of the children. Especially in regards to education and what options are available to the girls besides marriage and breeding.

Also, what the diagnoses to end was rapid, Andrea may have had cancer for quite some time. In her 'Community' posts she mentioned being very unwell for months, trying various natural remedies etc It's really sad that her system not working for a while may have been a telltale sign had the pregnancy not possibly masked a few symptoms. She had a yellow tinge in her last live when they were travelling  (colon and bowel cancer is not uncommon in my family and while some cancers are fast and furious, sometimes there are earlyish signs, even if it's just enough for a doctor to record them 'just in case')

[fundiefollower]

On ‎8‎/‎24‎/‎2019 at 10:25 PM, Koala said:

Andrea's kids don't seem to have that kind of support- they have Tom, and right now he's (understandably) in survival mode.  There was some lady carrying one of the little girls at the funeral, and as she sat her down in the chair in front of her mother's casket, all I could think was- Please don't sit her down and walk away.  She's so far down the line from her Dad.  She and Eden are essentially sitting alone.  Sit with them, and hug them as they spend their final moments with their mom. 
 

 

I'm about 99% sure that woman was Tom's sister who lives in California.  She has been in video's in the past.

 

I think Tom is the main driver of the wacky-religion part of the Mills lives and Andrea was the driver of all things herbal/home medical/small home.  Tom still used all of the toiletries he liked (foot spray, mouth washes, etc. he was always picking up things for himself).  I found it interesting that during one of the stream-of-thoughts videos he did recently he mentioned adding on to the house.  For Andrea, I don't think that was ever really on the table.... she briefly mentioned wanting a bigger living room once so maybe she just suppressed that desire due to finances I guess.  It will be interesting to see how the family changes.  I think all families would after the death of a parent but I think they will swing a lot more.  Much more religion, less herbal/home remedy.