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Seewalds 42: Trying to Stay Relevant


Coconut Flan

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4 hours ago, AtlanticTug said:

Then we had our daughter. She was the opposite personality. She listened to no one, followed her own path in life wherever it took her, had no fear or sense of safety and could not be trusted to be left alone for 1 second. She is a wonderful and fun little girl but extremely challenging on a day to day basis.

 

*whispering* pssst. Mom?! Is that you?! I didn't know my mother was on FJ!! :pb_lol:

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I read something, somewhere, a long long time ago, that kids also need to see their parents reading.  I think the idea was, that kids will then mimic the adults and want to read themselves.    My kids were/are avid readers, so maybe it worked.   (At least I will take credit for it.  Lol). 

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1 hour ago, Timetostoplurking said:

I read something, somewhere, a long long time ago, that kids also need to see their parents reading.  I think the idea was, that kids will then mimic the adults and want to read themselves.    My kids were/are avid readers, so maybe it worked.   (At least I will take credit for it.  Lol). 

Absolutely this is the case. It's also something my husband and I have discussed several times. He frequently reads e-books on his phone. It appears he is just messing about on his phone on social media since that is what most people expect, but he's not on SM at all. He's either reading a book or doing a NYT crossword puzzle. So he's going to have to make a concerted effort to read more dead tree books and then possible some e-books on Kindle once kiddo has the ability to understand that Kindle = book. 

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For the last four years, I've been taking care of a little guy. While I read my Nook exclusively at the beginning while he slept,once he really started paying attention I switched back to paper books, just so he could see me reading. Before I did that, he thought that I would playing something on an iPad.

We went to the library every week for story time, and part of going to the library was getting me a book or books. We would then go to the children's section and pick out books for him, before story time. I wanted him to see a grown up pick up books and get excited about books, because I know I'm a much bigger reader than his parents are.

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10 hours ago, Timetostoplurking said:

I read something, somewhere, a long long time ago, that kids also need to see their parents reading.  I think the idea was, that kids will then mimic the adults and want to read themselves.    My kids were/are avid readers, so maybe it worked.   (At least I will take credit for it.  Lol). 

My kids HATED being read to...maybe it was my voice? But, they hated it. They always saw me with a book in my hands (legend has it that I'd be cooking dinner with one hand and reading my book with the other). 2 of mine are voracious readers, 1 isn't. He was always too busy to hang out w/mom in the kitchen. 

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On 8/7/2019 at 6:48 AM, VelociRapture said:

Tell them at least one thing I was proud of them for doing before bedtime each night. I like the idea that they’ll go to bed with their last memory of me that day being a happy one that makes them feel really proud of themselves for. I already started doing this with my daughter and she gets all smiley and giggly remembering some of the happy things we did together that day.

I wish I had the words to tell you how happy this made me. My whole family has issues with narcissism, and when I was younger and would ask my mom if she was proud of me, the only answer I ever got was “yes, because you are my daughter.” There was never any reason based in things I’d done, or qualities I had, or really anything except the fact that I came from her. I’m in my early forties now, and it’s only been in the last few years that she’s been able to say anything else and even then, it’s basic stuff like I have a job and pay my bills. I’ve wondered many times how much my self confidence and esteem issues stem from the fact that I grew up never really receiving positive reinforcement for any of the things that made me who I am, so it really warms my heart when I hear of parents making a point to celebrate their child for who they are, outside the family connection.

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11 minutes ago, justodd said:

I wish I had the words to tell you how happy this made me. My whole family has issues with narcissism, and when I was younger and would ask my mom if she was proud of me, the only answer I ever got was “yes, because you are my daughter.” There was never any reason based in things I’d done, or qualities I had, or really anything except the fact that I came from her. I’m in my early forties now, and it’s only been in the last few years that she’s been able to say anything else and even then, it’s basic stuff like I have a job and pay my bills. I’ve wondered many times how much my self confidence and esteem issues stem from the fact that I grew up never really receiving positive reinforcement for any of the things that made me who I am, so it really warms my heart when I hear of parents making a point to celebrate their child for who they are, outside the family connection.

My parents are the same way. Despite the fact that I was always a good kid, got good grades, went to college on full scholarship and almost did the same for my Masters, my parents never say they’re proud of me. I am very much a people pleaser and I know it stems from never getting any validation from my parents. The most I get is “Well you used to be really lazy so it’s a good thing we pushed you so hard in school.” Little do they realize that their pushing led to my developing OCD and anxiety and made sure that we’ve never had a close relationship. @VelociRapture it is a phenomenal idea to tell them what you are proud of and I’m going to steal that for if I ever have kids. 

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2 hours ago, justodd said:

I wish I had the words to tell you how happy this made me. My whole family has issues with narcissism, and when I was younger and would ask my mom if she was proud of me, the only answer I ever got was “yes, because you are my daughter.” There was never any reason based in things I’d done, or qualities I had, or really anything except the fact that I came from her. I’m in my early forties now, and it’s only been in the last few years that she’s been able to say anything else and even then, it’s basic stuff like I have a job and pay my bills. I’ve wondered many times how much my self confidence and esteem issues stem from the fact that I grew up never really receiving positive reinforcement for any of the things that made me who I am, so it really warms my heart when I hear of parents making a point to celebrate their child for who they are, outside the family connection.

 

2 hours ago, JanasTattooParlor said:

My parents are the same way. Despite the fact that I was always a good kid, got good grades, went to college on full scholarship and almost did the same for my Masters, my parents never say they’re proud of me. I am very much a people pleaser and I know it stems from never getting any validation from my parents. The most I get is “Well you used to be really lazy so it’s a good thing we pushed you so hard in school.” Little do they realize that their pushing led to my developing OCD and anxiety and made sure that we’ve never had a close relationship. @VelociRapture it is a phenomenal idea to tell them what you are proud of and I’m going to steal that for if I ever have kids. 

Thank you both! I actually read about that idea on Pinterest of all places a while ago. I thought it was a really sweet idea and a great way to end the day, no matter how bad the rest of it went. The last thing I want is for my children to be tossing or turning all night because they’re upset or sad about how the day went or how I reacted to something that happened. They might still do that anyways, but I want them to have at least that one positive moment with me every day to think about too. 

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As nice as I think that idea is, I also think it's important to keep a balance. Sometimes it's okay to just say I'm proud of you because you are you. Not because you did something special or extraordinary, not because you got this grade or did that for your sibling, or because xyz, just proud of you 'cause you're here and you're my kid. 

I think there's a fine line between supporting a child's sense of self-worth and making them feel like they need to do something special, extraordinary or always give 110% to make you(global you) proud of them. Even if they mess up, or are lazy, or have trouble with other people, or don't conform with a parent's moral code etc. a parent can still be proud just because the kid is their child and because they are on this earth and the parents love them. I'm definitely not camp 'never tell a kid that you're  proud' (a new trend among some people) or never applaud a kid for something great they did. Yet, as much as kids should know that they need to put in effort for something, they also need to know that love from parents is nothing they should have to earn and that their parents can be proud of them regardless of what they accomplished (or not).

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3 hours ago, Pretzel said:

As nice as I think that idea is, I also think it's important to keep a balance. Sometimes it's okay to just say I'm proud of you because you are you. Not because you did something special or extraordinary, not because you got this grade or did that for your sibling, or because xyz, just proud of you 'cause you're here and you're my kid. 

I think there's a fine line between supporting a child's sense of self-worth and making them feel like they need to do something special, extraordinary or always give 110% to make you(global you) proud of them. Even if they mess up, or are lazy, or have trouble with other people, or don't conform with a parent's moral code etc. a parent can still be proud just because the kid is their child and because they are on this earth and the parents love them. I'm definitely not camp 'never tell a kid that you're  proud' (a new trend among some people) or never applaud a kid for something great they did. Yet, as much as kids should know that they need to put in effort for something, they also need to know that love from parents is nothing they should have to earn and that their parents can be proud of them regardless of what they accomplished (or not).

Yes, I agree. We tell her throughout the day that we’re proud of her for all types of different reasons, some earned and some not - some recent ones include the fact that she has a big heart, that she’s a naturally kind person, because she tried really hard to use the potty, because she helped me put away laundry, and just because she’s our daughter and we love her very much. She’s only 2.5 and she really craves praise like that right now, so I think it’s important to offer it. You can see her face light up with pride when we say something like that. The bedtime thing is really just because we want her having one last good memory of us to fall asleep to. We like ending the day on a positive note. :) 

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@VelociRapture That is absolutely legit and I'm absolutely not the person to tell other people to not be proud of their kids and show it too. My point is rather that sometimes, kids just don't make their parents proud. Sometimes, parents don't make their kids proud either. We're humans, we mess up. We can't and don't always make others proud. Most importantly, we all need to know that even if we don't give reason for others to be 'proud' of us, we're still really, deeply loved. 

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I always end bed time by telling our son that we love him and we are grateful for him being our son. Then sometimes I'll add that he was really brave/kind/patient/hardworking etc. today. Sometimes not.... there's no rhyme to it. And then we do last snuggles and I tell him to have dreams as sweet as he is. I just picked that though because I would have really liked to be told my parents were grateful to have me. We all I think just try to improve on what we know ?

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On 8/7/2019 at 4:40 PM, Timetostoplurking said:

I read something, somewhere, a long long time ago, that kids also need to see their parents reading.  I think the idea was, that kids will then mimic the adults and want to read themselves.    My kids were/are avid readers, so maybe it worked.   (At least I will take credit for it.  Lol). 

I am an avid reader so is Gnome spouse. We always have books we are reading, are on a first name basis at the library, and used to own thousands of physical books (sold most prior to last move) and we have a non reader. He is severely dyslexic, could barely read until he was 10 even with hours a week of intervention, and will only read for school and even then reluctantly. He is insanely smart but reading is so difficult that he cannot get enjoyment  from it.

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On 8/8/2019 at 12:52 AM, Rowan said:

Absolutely this is the case. It's also something my husband and I have discussed several times. He frequently reads e-books on his phone. It appears he is just messing about on his phone on social media since that is what most people expect, but he's not on SM at all. He's either reading a book or doing a NYT crossword puzzle. So he's going to have to make a concerted effort to read more dead tree books and then possible some e-books on Kindle once kiddo has the ability to understand that Kindle = book. 

If you value reading and make an effort to read to your child you will be fine. I am an avid reader, my husband not so much. In the last years I started reading less and often in my phone - though I actually prefer real books. Our ten month old daughter hasn’t seen me with a book often (maybe a couple of times). But we stared reading to her pretty early, like right from start. Mostly because we felt the need to do something with her and were a bit helpless (first time parents, he?). Let me tell you- this child is obsessed with books. She prefers them to all other toys, loves turning the pages and starts now to parrot what we read (not in clear words but you recognise she tries). She sometimes would read all day if we let her. Books where the only way to motivate her to grab things or to start moving forward. Of course it’s great to be an example but don’t force yourself or your husband to things that feel unnatural. You can give them the experience in a different way.

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Any thoughts on where Jessa is these days? She's usually all over Social Media.  I've seen Ivy on the Seewalds' page.  What happened to Jessa? Just super busy with three now? 

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1 hour ago, BeccaGrim said:

Any thoughts on where Jessa is these days? She's usually all over Social Media.  I've seen Ivy on the Seewalds' page.  What happened to Jessa? Just super busy with three now? 

If it was me, my absence would just be due to three littles.  But I don't have thousands of followers that I 'influence', either.  We know that they went to CA with Jana, yet, no pics.  I hope she is OK.  Maybe they're getting smart and not giving away all of their storylines before they air.  Maybe she's pregnant already. ?

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1 hour ago, Snarkasarus Rex said:

 Maybe they're getting smart and not giving away all of their storylines before they air.  Maybe she's pregnant already. ?

Yeah I think she went with Jana to "surprise" Jinger for an episode and isn't allowed to post anything. 

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5 hours ago, BeccaGrim said:

Any thoughts on where Jessa is these days? She's usually all over Social Media.  I've seen Ivy on the Seewalds' page.  What happened to Jessa? Just super busy with three now? 

The less I see of any of them, the better.

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On 8/9/2019 at 2:23 PM, Gnomewizard said:

I am an avid reader so is Gnome spouse. We always have books we are reading, are on a first name basis at the library, and used to own thousands of physical books (sold most prior to last move) and we have a non reader. He is severely dyslexic, could barely read until he was 10 even with hours a week of intervention, and will only read for school and even then reluctantly. He is insanely smart but reading is so difficult that he cannot get enjoyment  from it.

Does he enjoy audiobooks? They totally count as reading, IMO.

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On 8/7/2019 at 2:48 PM, VelociRapture said:

1. Keep them rear facing in their car seats until they’re close to 4. Its the best way to keep them safe if we can make it happen (so many reasons it might not work out and that’s ok. As long as a parent is using a safe car seat and is doing their best that’s all that counts.)

We turned Miniway last week. He is 5,5 and has been doing great in his rearfacing chair all along but he was starting to grow out of it and a couple of weeks ago when we did a long drive he started complaining pretty early in that his back was hurting. I think it was time. 

I’m happy we made it this far though as I was sure he was going to refuse his chair when we came home from a month forward facing in Australia in January. 

On 8/9/2019 at 1:36 AM, Pretzel said:

@VelociRapture That is absolutely legit and I'm absolutely not the person to tell other people to not be proud of their kids and show it too. My point is rather that sometimes, kids just don't make their parents proud. Sometimes, parents don't make their kids proud either. We're humans, we mess up. We can't and don't always make others proud. Most importantly, we all need to know that even if we don't give reason for others to be 'proud' of us, we're still really, deeply loved. 

If it’s been a bad day with lots of arguments (and we have had lots of those lately) I always tell Miniway that we always love him more then anything in the world. Even when we are angry with him. 

The eye rolling and annoyed ”I know!” makes me think I tell him enough. ?

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On 8/11/2019 at 3:58 PM, Smee said:

Does he enjoy audiobooks? They totally count as reading, IMO.

Not like he used to. He is almost 16 and his free time is dwindling with increased demands of school, sports, volunteering, working doing yard work for the neighbors etc. 

Fun story, at 14 he took the placement test for the community college so he could take classes and he passed the reading portion, it was actually his strongest area. I was so proud that he passed the reading portion given how much he struggled to learn to read. All the time and money and worry paid off! I was expecting to pay for remedial reading classes, which would have been fine with me, college is cheaper than all the tutoring and programs he had been through.

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I’ve been reading a lot lately about praise and how it affects children, and it’s definitely made me think a lot about how I interact with kids (and how praise affected me as a child.) this article especially https://www.alfiekohn.org/article/five-reasons-stop-saying-good-job/ really struck me cause damn, I do say “good job” SO much to kiddos and have barely thought about it. Essentially, it talks about how praise can potentially lead to kids avoiding trying new things/continuing to practice things that are hard for them, and can actually decrease altruistic/prosocial behavior (because they’ve been trained to do nice things for praise, as an almost transactional relationship rather than something you do without expecting something in return.) It talks about how instead asking the child how they feel about something they’ve done, or how they think the person they helped feels, etc. I don’t take any particular school of parenting thought as gospel but this (and a bunch of other research) has definitely made me check myself more than once. 

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8 hours ago, TheRadleyPorch said:

I’ve been reading a lot lately about praise and how it affects children, <and the rest of your post>

I also read something about this 28-29 years ago when my oldest was 5-6 years old. I took it too strictly, or did it incorrectly/didn't follow my instincts and when she was in middle school she asked me once why I didn't tell her how proud of her I was more often. I agree that kids need to be proud of themselves instead of or in addition to it coming from parents, and they definitely need to learn that they do things and help people because that's just what we do. Apparently I took it too far. I explained myself to her and all was OK.

With her son (I'm the nanny) I've kept this lesson in mind and have tried more balancing with the praise and my words. One thing in particular I have encouraged is his coming up with ideas to answer his own questions and wonderings. He can come up with some doozies along with quite plausible explanations for things, and he is proud of himself for it. I choose to believe it is helping him to think creatively about situations. 

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The way I look at it, if you love your kids and you’re doing your best that’s all that counts. There’s all kinds of research and articles and advice out there that completely contradict one another because most stuff concerning raising tiny humans isn’t a one size fits all thing. Just do your best to find some sort of balance in most areas l, make sure your kids are relatively healthy and safe, and your kids will probably be just fine. 

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On 8/7/2019 at 3:21 PM, VelociRapture said:

I’m sure you already know this, but just in case anyone reading this doesn’t and is worried:

The head of the children's’ library in my town runs a program for young children between 1 and 2. She repeatedly recommended just letting your kids do whatever they want when you read to them - if they want to sit still to listen that’s great and if they don’t that’s great too. The most important thing is that they’re hearing your voice as you read to them on a regular basis. 

My daughter is 2.5 and she’d rather not sit still for us to read to her. We pretty much just let her wander around as we read because she’s still absorbing the words without realizing it. She still loves books and demands we leave one in the crib during her naps and overnight so she can “read” to herself when she wakes up, so I figure we’re probably doing ok all things considered. ?

My kids normally preferred to sit on my or DH's lap when we read to them, but they were both cuddlers. Of course this started around 2 years old, before that they would just do what they did and I would read.  They would occasionally wander back to my lap to look at the pictures or give me a different book to read. I played that game for about 30 minutes and then "story time" was done for a while, because with them it could go on all day.

The only time we MADE them sit still was for bed time stories, each child got to pick 2 stories, for mom or dad to read. As they got older, and were learning to read, we had a mix of us reading to them and them reading to us.  It was usually 20 to 25 minutes every-night.  I'm blessed that DH would "help" (raise his own damn kids) so we would trade off kids, he would do DS and I would do DD one night then switch the next. If one of us wasn't home for bed time then both kids got story time in mom and dads bed and then put into their own respective beds. I really do miss story time and little kid cuddles. 

I'm still not ready to be grandma. 1 year 2 weeks & 2 days until I turn 50 then I will start bugging my kids.  Or not, they are too young have have kids, they will be 3 months shy of 23 and the little one will be 20 1/2. :laughing-jumpingpurple:  I'll just play with my step nephew  and niece.

 

 

 

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