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Joy & Austin 28: loss and mourning


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VelociRapture
3 hours ago, HermioneSparrow said:

I'm sorry for all you've been through, I can't even imagine. I'm not a mom and I haven't had a miscarriage or lost a baby. The Duggars are certainly tone deaf but she will have to deal with this on a regular basis, there's always someone pregnant in that family and honestly it's not Abbie's fault or anyone else's what happened to Joy. She might be triggered even more when she inevitably gets pregnant in the future.

Having a child in NICU, a traumatic pregnancy, a traumatic birth is a lot to deal with, I've seen it (Medical student here), any experience can trigger depression and anxiety so telling someone not to complain about any painful or difficult experience is not okay. I know this is coming from pain but please take a moment and realize we're all humans and even when pain might be in different levels, it's all pain and it hurts. Let's not diminish our struggles, empathy is a beautiful thing.

You've been through a lot and maybe you should consider getting professional help to deal with all of this. My very best wishes to you.

Thank you for stating this so eloquently. I’d add more to this, but I don’t want to unintentionally say anything that would be unfair and I can’t think of how to word what I’d like to say clearly. So... just thank you for stating this so well. 

And to @Jody, I’ll just say that I’m sorry you’ve been through so much and I’m also sorry you’ve had a tough time coping because of other people’s words, whether they realized it hurt you or not. You have my genuine sympathy for whatever experience(s) you’ve gone through. 

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I tried writing this several times and had to delete it all a few times. I’m currently a day shy of 20 weeks along and I can honestly say this exact situation has been my worst nightmare for weeks now

(There probably won't be much eloquence to this post, but hopefully I can get my point across.) I lost my baby at 24 weeks, when I was 14.  It will be 30 years later this year.  He was born alive

Huffpost had a really well done article (link broken at the end of this post) about how while Joy's Instagram photos may have felt like a lot they were important and deserving to be shared. I found it

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Kelsey
10 hours ago, HarleyQuinn said:

She did a full IG tour of it now too. It looks so cramped, I would hate living like that.

I thought it looked nice and cute. Seems like a great home for a little family. 

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Satan'sFortress

The 5 kids in my family all shared one bathroom. It is weird because I don't really remember problems, though there must have been! We are all 1 year apart, so there were many years when we were all teenagers.  Maybe we took 4 minute showers?

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MamabearSS
8 hours ago, allthegoodnamesrgone said:

There was a group of us and 2 women were due at the same time, one had a health baby girl the other there was a birth accident and the baby (also a girl) was still born. We had to do a fine dance around being excited for this one while being sensitive to that one.  I remember when the friend who lost the baby finally got the courage to see the other friends baby and hold her, we sat there with her while she just cried and cried for what she had lost, at this point the baby was about 6 months old (we also don't all live in the same area so getting together is a production at times). The mom whose baby survived was and still is so good about never feeling hurt or upset of the other friend can't acknowledge a birthday or milestone. The girls will/would be seniors in high school this year and will turn 18 next month.  She's moved on as best you can, she went on to have another baby 2ish years later, that little girl is starting her freshman year.  But the last week of Sept is always very hard for her and her husband. 

That's something I learned in the loss groups, it was a tough pill to swallow at first. You "move on" in that life goes on, you experience happiness and don't cry every day but it doesn't really ever get any better than that. The 24th is still a few days away and I'm already a mess. I still have a hard time when FB friends that were due around the same time post about milestones. I'm happy for them and I went on to have another baby but there will always be a huge hole. 

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neurogirl

I like her little house. It looks so clean and neat. Does Gideon sleep in their room? I am only concerned about this RV living turning into a Rodlet situation. Where would the children sleep?

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crancraz

My two year and one year anniversaries of my two babies are this week. I found out they died on Aug 25, 2017 and Aug 24, 2018. They were born August 29, 2017 and August 31, 2018. And I just had my new baby on July 2. When I was pregnant, Every day I woke up, I was certain that it was going to be the day she died. Even on the day of her birth, I was convinced she would die in the middle of the CSection. I legitimately have PTSD from my obstetrical experiences from the last two years.

One thing I try to remind myself is that protecting myself is my job. I can’t go to baby showers anymore and likely never will again. I had to “mute” friends on social media when their pregnancies got to a certain point. Other women aren’t being cruel or hurtful by being pregnant or discussing their experiences. They’re just unaware of the pain that accompanies pregnancy and infant loss.  

 

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Sullie06

It's a hard week. We lost our third pregnancy (second angel) on 8/22/14 at 12wks. It was devastating because we had a perfect pregnancy up until that point. I also had that fear of secondary infertility again. After our first loss it was 3 years before our son was born. Two months later I was pregnant with twins, we lost one twin at 5wks, and went on to have a high risk pregnancy with our daughter. At that point, I decided two kids was enough and knew I could not go through anymore losses. Even though I had a healthy baby to take home, the trauma of multiple losses and then a high risk pregnancy were hard on my mental health. I still struggle with my losses and they were in 2010 and 2014. Joy will never be the same again but I hope she's able to find a place of stability with her mental health. I hope she doesn't try to use future children to replace the one she lost. And I hope she is able to express her need to grieve her own loss while being happy for her sisters/brothers. 

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nvmbr02
15 hours ago, Satan'sFortress said:

The 5 kids in my family all shared one bathroom. It is weird because I don't really remember problems, though there must have been! We are all 1 year apart, so there were many years when we were all teenagers.  Maybe we took 4 minute showers?

Growing up we had 6 of us girls (my 2 sisters and my 3 step sisters) that shared one bathroom. We didn't have too many issues really. We didn't have a lot of privacy either though.

Our family of 5 had 1.5 bathrooms for 3 years and it drove me insane. When we bought our house last month a master bath was a must have. We have 2.5 bathrooms now and we are considering enlarging the half bath  a bit to add a small shower because I am tired of the constant fighting over the bathroom. My girls are fine sharing, but my son complains all the time about the girls products, etc... 

It is amazing how your "normal" changes over time. The only time I have had my own room was when I was living in the dorms in the air force. Other than that I always shared with at least one other person (usually 2). My kids on the other hand have pretty much always had their own rooms. My older two shared for about 6 months years ago while we waited for our house to be built, but they were young toddlers. 

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sixcatatty
21 hours ago, crancraz said:

My two year and one year anniversaries of my two babies are this week. I found out they died on Aug 25, 2017 and Aug 24, 2018. They were born August 29, 2017 and August 31, 2018. And I just had my new baby on July 2. When I was pregnant, Every day I woke up, I was certain that it was going to be the day she died. Even on the day of her birth, I was convinced she would die in the middle of the CSection. I legitimately have PTSD from my obstetrical experiences from the last two years.

One thing I try to remind myself is that protecting myself is my job. I can’t go to baby showers anymore and likely never will again. I had to “mute” friends on social media when their pregnancies got to a certain point. Other women aren’t being cruel or hurtful by being pregnant or discussing their experiences. They’re just unaware of the pain that accompanies pregnancy and infant loss.  

 

I've had five miscarriages. My children should be almost 37, 26, 25, 21 and 2.5. One of my colleagues is having a baby shower on Tuesday. I burst into tears the day he sent the e-mail that they were expecting. I bought a gift but I won't be doing anything else.  Another colleague just e-mailed that he and his wife are expecting their third. I didn't burst into tears that day, but I will buy a small gift and do nothing else.

Both times, I was reminded that grief is not a straight line.

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On 8/23/2019 at 1:08 AM, Marly said:

Where I live the norm tends to be one bathroom per one-family home (and two w.c.'s, of which one is usually located in the bathroom)*. 

This is more or less the norm here too, for a 3 bedroom home. Most 4 bedrooms have an en-suite in the master bedroom. I have a 3 bedroom house with one main bathroom (including toilet) and a second toilet & shower off the laundry. The second toilet is only used when two of the kids are desperate at the same time, otherwise people usually just wait until the main bathroom is available again. The second shower hasn’t been used since we were doing renovations and it was the only place to wash. It’s now where the cat’s litter box lives.

My 3 kids are still young enough that it’s not a big deal if someone walks in to brush their teeth while someone else is in the shower, but even when they’re older I can’t imagine anyone needing sole use of the bathroom for so long it would be a problem. 

The bedrooms are more annoying, not because I especially want everyone to have their own room, but the girls’ room is too small to comfortably fit two beds in at floor level and has a ceiling fan that is dangerously close to the top bunk.

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Vivi_music

The 5th wheel looked very well organized and tidied up, which probably helps make the most of the small space. I was actually surprised how they managed to make it look more homey.

The only thing that kind of surprised me after looking at it for a few seconds was that... it doesn't look like a toddler is living there. The space looked perfect for two twenty-something in living alone, but I wondered where they keep Gideon's stuff. I don't even remember seeing a booster or something. Nor a place for him to sleep. I suppose they have storage for his toys somewhere in there?

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allthegoodnamesrgone
41 minutes ago, Vivi_music said:

The 5th wheel looked very well organized and tidied up, which probably helps make the most of the small space. I was actually surprised how they managed to make it look more homey.

The only thing that kind of surprised me after looking at it for a few seconds was that... it doesn't look like a toddler is living there. The space looked perfect for two twenty-something in living alone, but I wondered where they keep Gideon's stuff. I don't even remember seeing a booster or something. Nor a place for him to sleep. I suppose they have storage for his toys somewhere in there?

Joy showed a place in the camper that has lots of little toys and stuff for him.  

 

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Denim Jumper
On 8/22/2019 at 8:27 PM, Satan'sFortress said:

The 5 kids in my family all shared one bathroom. It is weird because I don't really remember problems, though there must have been! We are all 1 year apart, so there were many years when we were all teenagers.  Maybe we took 4 minute showers?

It’s funny, because for years we lived in a small apartment in Queens (with 3 small children),  where it was no big deal to have 1 bathroom and children stacked like cordwood. After moving out to the ‘burbs (which I intensely dislike, for many reasons), people around here thinks it tragic and unlivable to have a small house with only 1 bathroom. Like, we get actual looks of pity when we say we have no intention of expanding our pre-war cottage, and probably won’t add another bathroom anytime soon. Oh, and two of the children share a room. Gasp!

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