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Joy & Austin 28: loss and mourning


laPapessaGiovanna

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People are jerks, it is nice too see that Austin seems to be trying to keep Joy active and spending time with her and G doing things as a family, it is something they both need right now.  Her brother being there as well is a nice touch, is that Justin, was Justin in her buddy team or was that James? I mix those two up all the time. Very glad to see G in a helmet. The photos are very cute as well, reminds me of when my kids were little and we would do something similar to get ice cream.  

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On 7/21/2019 at 12:58 AM, SportsgalAnnie said:

I'm not afraid of death, I'm afraid of  near death experience.

Yes! and being left in such a state that I will wish that I had died.

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1 hour ago, allthegoodnamesrgone said:

People are jerks, it is nice too see that Austin seems to be trying to keep Joy active and spending time with her and G doing things as a family, it is something they both need right now.  Her brother being there as well is a nice touch, is that Justin, was Justin in her buddy team or was that James? I mix those two up all the time. Very glad to see G in a helmet. The photos are very cute as well, reminds me of when my kids were little and we would do something similar to get ice cream.  

Joy, James, and Jennie were all on Jill’s buddy team. I believe Justin was on Jessa’s. 

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On 7/21/2019 at 8:44 PM, Sairrr said:

I don’t really have strong feelings about my own death but I, too, am single without my own family and the prospect of one day no longer having my parents around is awful. I just hit 30 and intend to remain single and the reality of my parents getting older has just been on my mind a lot more these days. I don’t know what I’ll do when that day comes.

Ditto with you and @viii. It ranks up there with the worst thing about being single. So I can't say that I'm really going for longevity.

It is nice (though a little morbid!) to see so many expressing fears/concerns. We're all a lot more alike than we are different. I had a grandparent die during a routine surgery and I know others in my family that struggle with anesthesia. Well, after 20+ years of keeping my wisdom teeth because I couldn't see taking them out just because they were there, I've developed a cavity that the dentist can't get to to drill so I need to have at least that wisdom tooth removed unless I want it to get worse. I think I am more scared of the IV than I am of surgery but there's also the fear that, like my relatives, I won't tolerate the anesthesia well. So I feel like I have to prepare like this is a risky surgery, getting my finances in order, making sure my desk manual at work is up to date, etc. while people look at me like I'm crazy because it is "just" my wisdom teeth. I dread the "See, we told you it was no big deal" when everything does go okay. And that makes me feel a little crazy! I don't think I fear death or the afterlife, just the unknown between, "Brace yourself, we're poking this IV into you" and "Well, I guess I made it" or "Guess my fears weren't so crazy after all."

@viii, if you really feel strongly about having children, don't let 33 stop you. The first time I ever felt thankful to be female was when I realized that I didn't have to have a man to birth children. A guy would have to seek out a surrogate, but I just need easily purchased sperm. You can DIY at home (provided there is no infertility). I actually had some picked out, but I let my low-income stop me. I'm glad now, because the older I get, the more I like my quiet, alone time, but I think if I had gone ahead with it, I would be glad to have a child too. Anyway, there are many options that can overcome age and infertility, even the lack-of-a-male infertility.

Edited by nolongerIFBx
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5 hours ago, VelociRapture said:

Joy, James, and Jennie were all on Jill’s buddy team. I believe Justin was on Jessa’s. 

So did that leave Johannah and Jason to be on Jingers? We never heard much about that one, did we?

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46 minutes ago, Nikedagain? said:

So did that leave Johannah and Jason to be on Jingers? We never heard much about that one, did we?

Jason was in Jana’s. Jinger’s was only one of the twins and Hannie. 

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I’m glad their child has a helmet, but they all reallllly need to be wearing helmets.  Bicycling is great exercise and relaxing, but can be dangerous.

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9 hours ago, nolongerIFBx said:

 

@viii, if you really feel strongly about having children, don't let 33 stop you. The first time I ever felt thankful to be female was when I realized that I didn't have to have a man to birth children. A guy would have to seek out a surrogate, but I just need easily purchased sperm. You can DIY at home (provided there is no infertility). I actually had some picked out, but I let my low-income stop me. I'm glad now, because the older I get, the more I like my quiet, alone time, but I think if I had gone ahead with it, I would be glad to have a child too. Anyway, there are many options that can overcome age and infertility, even the lack-of-a-male infertility.

I really debated about doing it alone. However, watching my best friend raise three kids on her own was a real eye opener. And I’ve watched my sisters struggle with their kids and they have support. I just don’t have what it takes to do it alone, plus I am so set in my ways now. 

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I have 2 people around me (a friend and a colleague) that have babies by themselves. Well, one is still pregnant and the other just gave birth last month.

I love that there is a possibility for that but I could not do it. 

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I know someone who had 2 kids on her own, on purpose. She’s a very successful person but never found Mr. Right. 

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I know someone who had 2 kids on her own, on purpose. She’s a very successful person but never found Mr. Right. 


My sister is currently in the process to do AI by herself as a single successful 36yr old. She has a sperm donor lined up who she has known for 18 months building a “professional relationship” with. He will officially step out of her life once shes pregnant and apart from the odd update (birth, 1st birthday, 5th birthday, 10th birthday, etc) he wont “step back in” until the child wants to know him and/or the child turns 18.

She owns her own house and is very financially secure. She has in the past dated absolute no hopers, useless, lazy men who have all used her financially. I am 1000% behind her in this as at least it doesn’t include some drop kick “baby daddy” who will end up with every other weekend, going after her financially for child support and ruining her life. She has more than enough support behind her in this.

We are hoping if she has her “family”, some amazing man worthy of her love will fall into her life [emoji177]
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My colleague explained me that she choose to do it this way because every time she was dating she was only thinking 'can this man be the father of my child?'. She is 34 so she really felt pressure to find a man soon so she  could establish a relationship before rushing into having children.

It did not work to date like this ? So she decided: I will first have the baby and then a man can come at a later moment. Good for her!

And my friend is a lesbian so she figured: I am not going to have a baby who shares DNA with my partner anyway and I want a baby so bad that I do not need to wait.

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4 hours ago, kiwi said:

My sister is currently in the process to do AI by herself as a single successful 36yr old. She has a sperm donor lined up who she has known for 18 months building a “professional relationship” with. He will officially step out of her life once shes pregnant and apart from the odd update (birth, 1st birthday, 5th birthday, 10th birthday, etc) he wont “step back in” until the child wants to know him and/or the child turns 18.

Can I ask, with absolutely no snark - just genuine curiousity - what's in it for the sperm donor? I totally get the appeal for your sister, but from the guy's perspective, spending 18 months getting to know someone before donating sperm only to then have no relationship with the child seems like a pretty big (time) investment to me. Is he just doing it out of the goodness of his heart? Or is there money involved?

Again, I am absolutely just asking out of curiousity, and if you don't want to answer my question, I totally understand. :)

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12 hours ago, viii said:

I really debated about doing it alone. However, watching my best friend raise three kids on her own was a real eye opener. And I’ve watched my sisters struggle with their kids and they have support. I just don’t have what it takes to do it alone, plus I am so set in my ways now. 

That's okay too, just don't want you--or any woman--to think that her age or lack of of man HAS to keep her from having children. Though I have heard some single moms say it is easier doing it alone than having a spouse- everything is your way and you can always count on you. I think I made the right decision even if sometimes just looking at babies makes me want to cry!

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On 7/22/2019 at 3:30 PM, Daisy0322 said:

I use to be an aid for Home hospice care I loved it but it was just too hard on me. By far though the ALZ patients were the most heart breaking. They lost themselves and everyone they loved slowly and passed away scared many times. I would always try to make things feel familiar for them but when everyone is a stranger it's just hard to ever feel at home 

Hospice were the ones that could be there with my dad when I couldn't. I work full time and it was hard to get time off to sit with him. I was down to a few sick days and had to use them sparingly. My dad understood, the man almost never missed a day of work in his life. Looking back, I wish I would have been with him more. I'm grateful the people in hospice spent time talking to him, praying with him and just caring for him. 

 

On 7/21/2019 at 1:23 PM, WiseGirl said:

It affects everyone differently. The Sundowning, fear of water, toilet issues,  rages, anger, violence, loss of dignity, and running away is the manifestation/version I can do without. 

Oh yeah, the loss if dignity...that's not something I want either.

MY mother's sundowning was awful. I stayed with her when my dad was in the hospital from a heart attack. She didn't feel like my mom anymore. She hit me..... and I didn't get it as bad as my dad did. She would throw things at him too. 

On 7/22/2019 at 12:51 PM, feministxtian said:

I am in favor of assisted suicide and euthanasia. I wouldn't make my cats go through this, why should "they" make my husband? I settled the debate with myself during the mother's last couple of months on earth. I have no problem with it whatsoever. 

I think if my mom knew how she was going to be in these last stages of dementia she would say "kill me". She would hate it. This disease robbed her of so much. She was always a creative and friendly person with a bit of a temper. She got things done! Now she sits and spends most of her time sleeping. She speaks in jumbles, she doesn't know me anymore, though she does say thank you when I kiss her and smiles. She loved to wear nice clothes, now she is in sweats all the time (its easier to dress her etc...) and most of all, she would hate, hate, HATE it that she is incontinent. 

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3 hours ago, JillyO said:

Can I ask, with absolutely no snark - just genuine curiousity - what's in it for the sperm donor? I totally get the appeal for your sister, but from the guy's perspective, spending 18 months getting to know someone before donating sperm only to then have no relationship with the child seems like a pretty big (time) investment to me. Is he just doing it out of the goodness of his heart? Or is there money involved?

Again, I am absolutely just asking out of curiousity, and if you don't want to answer my question, I totally understand. :)

They generally get paid at the time of donation. 

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On ‎7‎/‎21‎/‎2019 at 7:56 AM, Four is Enough said:

I don't fear death as much as I fear living, trapped in a body that doesn't work properly any more; needing to be cared for by others, loss of independence...

I don't follow this thread normally, and just popped in to see what was the latest - so I haven't scrolled back further to see what your comment may be in reference to.  Just wanted to say  that I feel the same way.  I've helped care for a sister who had dementia (on top of Downs Syndrome) and to see her lose all the joy in life, while at the same time not understanding what the hell was happening to her, was heartbreaking.  I have another sibling who had multiple sclerosis and spent the last years of her life in a care facility (because of her asshole husband who didn't live up to his marriage vows).  What a crappy way to end up.   I have decided that I will not go through that myself, nor put any family member in the position of having to care for me. 

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Can I ask, with absolutely no snark - just genuine curiousity - what's in it for the sperm donor? I totally get the appeal for your sister, but from the guy's perspective, spending 18 months getting to know someone before donating sperm only to then have no relationship with the child seems like a pretty big (time) investment to me. Is he just doing it out of the goodness of his heart? Or is there money involved?
Again, I am absolutely just asking out of curiousity, and if you don't want to answer my question, I totally understand. [emoji4]


He was a sperm donor baby himself, raised by a successful single mother. He sees it as “full circle”, someone helped his mom have a child and it’s something he can do fairly easily. No money involved at all. He’s very very selective on who he helps. He’s in his late 30’s and helped 5 ladies get pregnant in 10 years.
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@nolongerIFBx Is wisdom teeth extraction usually done under general anaesthesia in the US? Where I am it is normally done with local anaesthesia, in fact the only friend who has had any kind of dental work done under GA had hers done in America. I am also scared of being put under, so I'm glad I didn't have to be! I had mine done under local and honestly it was not a big deal, even when one of my wisdom teeth had really crooked roots and had to be dug up in little pieces. So maybe this would be an option for you?

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On ‎7‎/‎23‎/‎2019 at 5:29 AM, Sullie06 said:

I'm so sorry for your experience with your great-grandmother. It is so hard, especially at such a tender age. Your family should not have put that on you. My grandmother had dementia but not Alzheimer's. In the end of her life she became very mean as well. It was so hard watching my Mom and Aunt deal with basically loosing their mother even though she was sitting right there. She rarely knew who they were and she would be so mean to them. Which was so different than the woman she had been. She was an Army Nurse, she spent her life caring for others and raising her 5 children (two of which were not biologically hers, my grandfather was a widow with two children when they married). In the end she lost her life to a stroke and I know in some ways my Mom was relieved that her suffering was over but it's sad to think the last memories my Mom carries of her mom are such negative ones. 

I hope you are doing well now. What a scary thing to go through both for your child and yourself. 

One of my cousins is dealing with this same thing.  Her father has Alzheimer's and he can sometimes say very mean things to her or his wife, or accuse them of doing things to conspire against him.  It's is completely unlike his lifelong characteristics.  He was always a soft spoken, gentle man.  His children and his grandchildren adored him because he was always so kind to them.  That's one of the many horrific things about Alzheimer's.  You lose the person, and someone else takes their place.  Just awful!

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37 minutes ago, EmmieJ said:

I don't follow this thread normally, and just popped in to see what was the latest - so I haven't scrolled back further to see what your comment may be in reference to.  Just wanted to say  that I feel the same way.  I've helped care for a sister who had dementia (on top of Downs Syndrome) and to see her lose all the joy in life, while at the same time not understanding what the hell was happening to her, was heartbreaking.  I have another sibling who had multiple sclerosis and spent the last years of her life in a care facility (because of her asshole husband who didn't live up to his marriage vows).  What a crappy way to end up.   I have decided that I will not go through that myself, nor put any family member in the position of having to care for me. 

That has to be so tough. I see the people who are in the nursing home where my mom is and it breaks my heart. I often wonder how they were before this disease took hold of them. I am sure all of them would just be so upset as to how they ended up. Its not "cute" or "funny" like they show on TV, its awful and robs you of everything. It also takes a toll on family members/caregivers. 

My mom does still retain her love of beautiful things. The one nurse has some gorgeous gold jewelry that she wears. She told me that when she first sees my mom, my mom will reach out and touch the gold and smile. The woman doesn't remember her name but she loves gold! She also liked a flowery t-shirt I had on this weekend. She reached out and said "nice".  Sometimes there is just that little bit that stays. 

2 minutes ago, EmmieJ said:

One of my cousins is dealing with this same thing.  Her father has Alzheimer's and he can sometimes say very mean things to her or his wife, or accuse them of doing things to conspire against him.  It's is completely unlike his lifelong characteristics.  He was always a soft spoken, gentle man.  His children and his grandchildren adored him because he was always so kind to them.  That's one of the many horrific things about Alzheimer's.  You lose the person, and someone else takes their place.  Just awful!

My  mom said awful things about my dad that I don't even like to think about. She also thought he was beating her. That wasn't like her, she adored him. And he adored her! 

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On July 23, 2019 at 1:47 PM, nolongerIFBx said:

I actually had some picked out, but I let my low-income stop me. I'm glad now, because the older I get, the more I like my quiet, alone time, but I think if I had gone ahead with it, I would be glad to have a child too. 

Exact same for me

19 minutes ago, MadameOvary said:

@nolongerIFBx Is wisdom teeth extraction usually done under general anaesthesia in the US? 

I think it depends on the situation. I drove myself to and from having mine done, they were cut out but with just regular novocaine - I had mine done 2 at a time. I think general anesthesia is not terribly common for wisdom teeth unless they're really badly impacted or something. 

10 minutes ago, EmmieJ said:

 That's one of the many horrific things about Alzheimer's.  You lose the person, and someone else takes their place.  Just awful!

I agree. I had one grandmother with alzheimers, and another with another form of dementia, but they both were completely different people than they had been before. They'd both have been horrified to see themselves the way they were toward the end.

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1 hour ago, kiwi said:

 


He was a sperm donor baby himself, raised by a successful single mother. He sees it as “full circle”, someone helped his mom have a child and it’s something he can do fairly easily. No money involved at all. He’s very very selective on who he helps. He’s in his late 30’s and helped 5 ladies get pregnant in 10 years.

I also have a question.

What are rules like involving sperm banks in your country?

I believe that here a donor may only be used 5 times (due to issues that have arisen in the past) I could be wrong about that.

A man should certainly have agency over his sperm. But it does strike me as faintly alarming that he's out there at the age of late 30s and doing this with only his own altruistic motivation.

Perhaps I am completely mistaken. If so, I truly apologize.

Could you possibly provide some more context? I am not seeing the appeal.

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@AliceInFundyland i’m In the US. The sperm bank I used limits it to between 25 to 30 families per donor. I know a few of my daughter’s siblings have 2 or 3 kids in their family so you can imagine there are a lot of siblings. He reached his limit within probably about 5 years. I  believe there are at least 50 in my daughter’s Sibling group but I know of about 20. 

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