Joy & Austin 28: loss and mourning

[nokidsmom]

8 hours ago, allthegoodnamesrgone said:

I'm so sorry to hear that you too, are losing your spouse. I don't know what I will do when my husband dies, he's 9 years older than I am, and we've been together for 23 years, I think about it, and I don't like it, but baring any accidents he will die before I do and I will have to live X number of years with out him.  I'm not sure how old you are, but watching your partner in crime (as I like to call my DH) die, ... UGH, I'm so sorry.  I'll be thinking of you and @feministxtian as you both deal with the loss of your husbands.  There is nothing I can say or do to make it better. I am a wonderful listener if you want to talk about anything, bitch moan, cry, scream. PM me I'll be more than happy to listen.  

@feministxtian and @Don'tlikekoolaid I feel for both of you.  I can't imagine the pain of seeing your life partner slip away.  

Mr. No is older than me enough that I also expect he will pass before me.  I don't like the prospect either, while he's healthy now, he had a close call a few years ago with a near septic infection that suddenly sent him into the ICU, things were a bit dicey for a few days.  Since that time, I wondered how many more years will I have with him.  He's not been quite the same since.  

2 hours ago, Karma said:

Despite having other children and grandchildren, she never forgot her lost baby, and it gave her comfort to mark his existence in this way.

I think if Joy wants to post very tasteful photos of Annabel then that is her right, just as other people might choose to not post photos/memories etc.  Their loss, their choice.

My sister's first child was stillborn, he died in utero two weeks before he was due.  My sister has pictures of him in  a photo album plus several Christmas ornaments that she puts up every year with his name on it.   My nephews refer to him as "their older brother", even though they didn't get to know him.  He would have turned 21 in the next week.  

Edited July 11, 2019 by nokidsmom

[metheglyn]

Everyone's grief is definitely different. When we lost my Dad two years ago my mother basically lost it for a couple months and I ended up handling most of the phone calls, etc. with all the different agencies that needed to be contacted because I was compartmentalizing more effectively than she was. (And let me tell you, having to get through to credit card companies/telecoms/etc. that no, they CAN'T ask XXX, the primary account holder, for approval to discuss the account because XXX is dead, why ELSE would we be talking to you, is absurdly frustrating and just makes everything worse.)  

I still haven't really fully processed it, I don't think. I'll talk about it to people I know in person, but I didn't feel a need to post about it on social media. However, a friend who lost her mother in a similar time frame announced when her mother died and often posts memories online. It's important to her to do so and I feel it is entirely her right to grieve and remember in the way that best works for her and my right to grieve and remember in a way that works best for me.

[NakedKnees]

I also feel strongly for the members on here who are in the process of losing their spouses/partners and would like to volunteer my ears/eyes to listen, if you ever feel like you need it.

For background, Mr. Knees is 14 years older than me. We started dating when I was in my early twenties and worked really hard to take it slow and understand what we were getting into. I felt like I had a good grasp on how our relationships with our mortality would be different around six months in when we were "getting serious" (planning on moving in together, me getting to know his son from his previous marriage, etc). However, we just passed our sixth anniversary and when I think about how much I love him more and more as time goes on, the idea of him possibly dying significantly earlier than me gets more and more painful.

I try to just be thankful that we're both overall healthy and remember that this issue isn't a done deal and it could absolutely be me who dies first. We don't know; most people don't know. I think our age difference has helped us develop a strong dialogue around this subject too, and I'm thankful for that as well.

[luv2laugh]

@feministxtian There honestly is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of you and your husband. I am so sorry that you are also losing your husband @Don'tlikekoolaid. 

For clarification, when I first heard of Joy’s loss, I felt very sad for her, as indicated by my early posts. Then, I focused on criticizing the Duggars and was concerned they’d politicize it. I didn’t notice the members posting heartbreaking stories of their own loss and grief. I am very sorry about this. My intention to criticize the Duggars may have actually come off as being insensitive to the grief of others, as a result. To clarify, it brings me great pain to hear of those suffering and grieving. I am thinking of those of you that have experienced loss. There is nothing like the pain of grief. 

Originally, I was baffled at how Jill left an emoji-laden Instagram post and blog about Grandma Mary’s death. However, I remembered that from 19 Kids & Counting, Jill was very sensitive and emotional. Everyone processes grief differently and sometimes, people do certain things out of shock. It’s not my place to judge those who are suffering.

Edited July 12, 2019 by luv2laugh

[Four is Enough]

On 7/10/2019 at 2:22 PM, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

I’m not very sentimental at all and struggle to understand why people would want to prolong their misery with all these pictures and postings and crying and let’s bring this up every year so we can relive our grief.  I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or minimize grief, but sentimentality is so negative and I’m happy I don’t suffer from it to any great extent.  Sorry, but that’s the way I feel.  

It's a valid point, but as others have said, everyone grieves differently. Just because a person doesn't understand it doesn't mean it isn't real or necessary. We celebrate birthdays every year. As I've gotten older, I realize that while we don't necessarily "celebrate" death days, I, for one, definitely remember and mark them. I also normally get in touch with others affected by the death, if for no other reason than to say, "I remember and I'm here with you."

 

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

@Four is Enough at the risk of getting myself labeled as a wacko I think I will share that I can see and talk to people who have died.  I’m not like that Long Island Medium by any means, but I receive a lot of comfort from this gift or whatever it is. It’s been happening since I was four yrs old.  I didn’t mean to criticize anyone’s coping mechanisms, I was only trying to share mine.  Nobody dies, only the body dies, that’s my experience, people can maybe find comfort in that,  I hope.  I love all you guys and only want the best for you all.

[Four is Enough]

@Don'tlikekoolaid, I've had some experiences too. The veil between the worlds is definitely thinner at times, and I believe there can be communication sometimes.

[jcanglin991]

@feministxtian and @Don'tlikekoolaid, I am so very sorry for what you are going through. My husband is going through cancer treatment for the second time so I think about what I would do it I lost him a lot. I'm not in your position of knowing it is imminent, though. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, as well as those of the rest of our wonderful community here, I'm sure. I'm also a great listener and I'm retired so feel free to PM me anytime you need to talk, vent, cry, whatever. I'm a good listener. Much love and virtual hugs coming your way.

[JordynDarby5]

3 hours ago, jcanglin991 said:

@feministxtian and @Don'tlikekoolaid, I am so very sorry for what you are going through. My husband is going through cancer treatment for the second time so I think about what I would do it I lost him a lot. I'm not in your position of knowing it is imminent, though. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, as well as those of the rest of our wonderful community here, I'm sure. I'm also a great listener and I'm retired so feel free to PM me anytime you need to talk, vent, cry, whatever. I'm a good listener. Much love and virtual hugs coming your way.

I'm so sorry.

[Smash!]

[mention=18471]Four is Enough[/mention] at the risk of getting myself labeled as a wacko I think I will share that I can see and talk to people who have died.  I’m not like that Long Island Medium by any means, but I receive a lot of comfort from this gift or whatever it is. It’s been happening since I was four yrs old.  I didn’t mean to criticize anyone’s coping mechanisms, I was only trying to share mine.  Nobody dies, only the body dies, that’s my experience, people can maybe find comfort in that,  I hope.  I love all you guys and only want the best for you all.

As someone who thinks that people actually stop existing when they die this is very fascinating to me. Does that mean in your understanding that the people who were "formed" from matter, if it's just in utero or already born don't disintegrate in their "components" but still exist (except from the body)? Which means that behind the curtain more and more people get added?
To clarify, I believe that our soul is part of our body, which is formed along with the human in the uterus after conception.

[hand holder]

On 7/15/2019 at 12:28 PM, Smash! said:

 

As someone who thinks that people actually stop existing when they die this is very fascinating to me. Does that mean in your understanding that the people who were "formed" from matter, if it's just in utero or already born don't disintegrate in their "components" but still exist (except from the body)? Which means that behind the curtain more and more people get added?
To clarify, I believe that our soul is part of our body, which is formed along with the human in the uterus after conception.

 

Not the OP, clearly, but will add my two cents because i also believe that the soul lives on forever and that our bodies are only temporary. 

My belief in life and creation boils down to the first law of thermodynamics which briefly states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. I think that the energy that cannot be destroyed is our soul/inner self and that our bodies are particles of matter that form in the appropriate way. I have had experiences with those on the "other side" and believe that their energy lives on in the universe. So our assembly of energy becomes the person who lives in our body and experiences life through our perspective, then our energy is recycled into the universe when we die. Hopefully this helps give you another perspective on things.

[BernRul]

On 7/12/2019 at 1:25 PM, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

@Four is Enough at the risk of getting myself labeled as a wacko I think I will share that I can see and talk to people who have died.  I’m not like that Long Island Medium by any means, but I receive a lot of comfort from this gift or whatever it is. It’s been happening since I was four yrs old.  I didn’t mean to criticize anyone’s coping mechanisms, I was only trying to share mine.  Nobody dies, only the body dies, that’s my experience, people can maybe find comfort in that,  I hope.  I love all you guys and only want the best for you all.

One of my closest friends also has this ability, and has since childhood. I don't talk about it in mixed company for the same reasons--getting labeled a wacko, or someone who is easily tricked--but my friend says similar stuff. She doesn't do it for money and gets offended at the mere concept of people like Long Island Medium. I agree that it is a comfort, and one of the reasons why I've never been afraid to die. 

So just letting you know that there are more people like you out there. 

On 7/15/2019 at 12:28 PM, Smash! said:

 

As someone who thinks that people actually stop existing when they die this is very fascinating to me. Does that mean in your understanding that the people who were "formed" from matter, if it's just in utero or already born don't disintegrate in their "components" but still exist (except from the body)? Which means that behind the curtain more and more people get added?
To clarify, I believe that our soul is part of our body, which is formed along with the human in the uterus after conception.

 

Also not the OP, but from what my friend says (at least my interpretation of it) when you die, your soul/essence/whatever continues to stay close to the things that were close to you in life, like your favorite place or loved ones. She says they are always there, all the time. Then, at some point, people can reincarnate, so instead of all these new people getting added, people get recycled. I think. Again, I'm not entirely clear, just basing this off of a few of our convos.

 

[kiwi]

None of the photos ive seen Joy post have been inappropriate or graphic in anyway.

I do take an issue in when others post photos of dead loved ones, i had to hide a facebook friend not so long ago when she continued to post graphic photos of her aunty who died in a horrific car accident. Almost daily she would post a “rip missing you for X days” type post - but with photos from the accident scene, her deceased aunty stuck in the car, photos of her at the morgue and then the funeral home. I dont know if its a cultural thing (she is samoan) or what but its not so nice to be scrolling facebook while on your morning tea break at work and come across that.

From what ive seen joy and carlin shared tasteful photos.

[Meggo]

13 hours ago, BernRul said:

One of my closest friends also has this ability, and has since childhood. I don't talk about it in mixed company for the same reasons--getting labeled a wacko, or someone who is easily tricked--but my friend says similar stuff. She doesn't do it for money and gets offended at the mere concept of people like Long Island Medium. I agree that it is a comfort, and one of the reasons why I've never been afraid to die. 

So just letting you know that there are more people like you out there. 

Also not the OP, but from what my friend says (at least my interpretation of it) when you die, your soul/essence/whatever continues to stay close to the things that were close to you in life, like your favorite place or loved ones. She says they are always there, all the time. Then, at some point, people can reincarnate, so instead of all these new people getting added, people get recycled. I think. Again, I'm not entirely clear, just basing this off of a few of our convos.

 

I feel like I need your friend! I get SO anxious about dying (mind, I'm 46 - and while it's true we never know our time - I don't think the Grim Reaper is walking up the front path) - that I don't even think about it. I don't WANT this all to end. I don't WANT to not be here. I don't WANT to leave my son. 

[BernRul]

39 minutes ago, Meggo said:

I feel like I need your friend! I get SO anxious about dying (mind, I'm 46 - and while it's true we never know our time - I don't think the Grim Reaper is walking up the front path) - that I don't even think about it. I don't WANT this all to end. I don't WANT to not be here. I don't WANT to leave my son. 

I actually have trouble with anxiety in general and almost ruined our friendship by asking her a million questions about stuff whenever I was anxious. 

I don't expect people to blindly believe strangers on the internet, but if it helps, my friend, who does not believe in a traditional heaven/hell, would say that people don't ever truly leave each other. 

[omgpleasestop]

1 hour ago, Meggo said:

I feel like I need your friend! I get SO anxious about dying (mind, I'm 46 - and while it's true we never know our time - I don't think the Grim Reaper is walking up the front path) - that I don't even think about it. I don't WANT this all to end. I don't WANT to not be here. I don't WANT to leave my son. 

I'm the same. I have a phobia of ageing and death. I went into a midlife crisis at age 30 over it.
In October 2010 I lost my Nana a couple of weeks prior to our wedding.

In January 2012 I experienced anaesthesia awareness in a D&C  whereby I was awake but was unable to tell the medical team I could feel/smell/hear everything. I also had a lump on my breast that was also thankfully benign.

In 2013 I had a bowel cancer screening come back positive. I was extremely lucky it was a false positive on both samples.
Our daughter was also diagnosed with Autism at 2 years and 3 months. It was then that I had a midlife crisis. I developed OCD as a result of fear of death. I was put on medication, had lots of therapy and a couple of trips to the critical psychiatric team for it. 

I had a car accident in 2016 and coped surprisingly well considering my car was smashed head on. I dropped my marbles for a couple of months then. I've been quite stable since then but I still struggle a lot with the fear of ageing and dying.

Apparently it is strongly connected with fear of change. I can't go and get a will like most people. I struggle to go to the doctors and get tests for things because I'm scared of how I would cope. I constantly live worried that I won't be around to see my children grow up - and it's difficult trying to keep those thoughts at bay. I can't talk about death and funerals. I start panicking when funeral and life insurance advertisements come on TV. I hate it when people talk about my children growing up.  I often relate dates to things - for eg. I compare how old my nana was when I was born, to how old my mum was when my children were born and think about the time they might have left with her.

I know, right? It's crazy, but it's my life. 

[fluffernutter]

1 hour ago, BernRul said:

I actually have trouble with anxiety in general and almost ruined our friendship by asking her a million questions about stuff whenever I was anxious. 

I don't expect people to blindly believe strangers on the internet, but if it helps, my friend, who does not believe in a traditional heaven/hell, would say that people don't ever truly leave each other. 

Thank you for posting. ❤️ That last sentence has me in tears.  I lost my mom 10 years ago. She was in her 50's and my kids were all small. I have had instances in my life of premonitions/ "accute awareness" I sometimes call it, but I have tried to somehow reach my mom or feel any type of presence and nothing. People say they feel their loved ones, or see them in a butterfly or bird or something, but I've never had that feeling at all. I actually thought of seeking a psychic just to find some peace. I hope your friend is right, and that my mom has seen my girls grow up. I miss her so much. 

[Meggo]

55 minutes ago, omgpleasestop said:

 

I know, right? It's crazy, but it's my life. 

it might be crazy - but I'm pretty similar. I can't talk about it. I don't want to fall asleep and then just never wake up - that makes my chest tighten just thinking about it. The idea of NOT being here for my kiddo? Ugh - just... can't even think about it. 

I am starting to think I should see someone for my anxieties. With everything going on with my kiddo (trying to figure exactly what the heck is going on in his brain..) - I've always got this low level anxiety. ALL the time. Sometimes it ramps up - but it never ramps down. 

[allthegoodnamesrgone]

1 hour ago, omgpleasestop said:

I'm the same. I have a phobia of ageing and death. I went into a midlife crisis at age 30 over it.
In October 2010 I lost my Nana a couple of weeks prior to our wedding.

In January 2012 I experienced anaesthesia awareness in a D&C  whereby I was awake but was unable to tell the medical team I could feel/smell/hear everything. I also had a lump on my breast that was also thankfully benign.

In 2013 I had a bowel cancer screening come back positive. I was extremely lucky it was a false positive on both samples.
Our daughter was also diagnosed with Autism at 2 years and 3 months. It was then that I had a midlife crisis. I developed OCD as a result of fear of death. I was put on medication, had lots of therapy and a couple of trips to the critical psychiatric team for it. 

I had a car accident in 2016 and coped surprisingly well considering my car was smashed head on. I dropped my marbles for a couple of months then. I've been quite stable since then but I still struggle a lot with the fear of ageing and dying.

Apparently it is strongly connected with fear of change. I can't go and get a will like most people. I struggle to go to the doctors and get tests for things because I'm scared of how I would cope. I constantly live worried that I won't be around to see my children grow up - and it's difficult trying to keep those thoughts at bay. I can't talk about death and funerals. I start panicking when funeral and life insurance advertisements come on TV. I hate it when people talk about my children growing up.  I often relate dates to things - for eg. I compare how old my nana was when I was born, to how old my mum was when my children were born and think about the time they might have left with her.

I know, right? It's crazy, but it's my life. 

Anxiety is a bitch, and I'm sorry you are having to deal with it.  I don't have a fear of death so much as I do a fear of getting old. I figure death will be great, no more worries, or stress, what is there to be afraid of?  whether you believe in heaven or not, either way your not going to have to deal with the struggles of daily life.  Now getting old, THAT terrifies me. I'm gong to be 49 soon, and then 50, I mean FUCK, that is OLD. It seems like just yesterday I was getting married and having babies, and now those babies are in college, and I've been married for 22 years.  Don't even get me started on that facething app that made you look old, talk about unsettling. 

[dharmapunk]

My buddhist practise has helped me cope with my fear of death. One of my teachers always emphasized that we can practise letting go, not holding on to things. He gave the example of how stupid it would be to hold one's breath for fear of letting it go. You start to feel bad very quickly. The same happens when you try to ignore the fact that all things are impermanent and subject to change. So now I try to be accepting of the fact that I will die some day and just do my best to be ready to go when the time comes. I am not quite there yet, but definitely doing better. Because to quote A. Dumbledore "for the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure".

 

[Thorkim1954]

3 hours ago, omgpleasestop said:

I'm the same. I have a phobia of ageing and death. I went into a midlife crisis at age 30 over it.
In October 2010 I lost my Nana a couple of weeks prior to our wedding.

In January 2012 I experienced anaesthesia awareness in a D&C  whereby I was awake but was unable to tell the medical team I could feel/smell/hear everything. I also had a lump on my breast that was also thankfully benign.

In 2013 I had a bowel cancer screening come back positive. I was extremely lucky it was a false positive on both samples.
Our daughter was also diagnosed with Autism at 2 years and 3 months. It was then that I had a midlife crisis. I developed OCD as a result of fear of death. I was put on medication, had lots of therapy and a couple of trips to the critical psychiatric team for it. 

I had a car accident in 2016 and coped surprisingly well considering my car was smashed head on. I dropped my marbles for a couple of months then. I've been quite stable since then but I still struggle a lot with the fear of ageing and dying.

Apparently it is strongly connected with fear of change. I can't go and get a will like most people. I struggle to go to the doctors and get tests for things because I'm scared of how I would cope. I constantly live worried that I won't be around to see my children grow up - and it's difficult trying to keep those thoughts at bay. I can't talk about death and funerals. I start panicking when funeral and life insurance advertisements come on TV. I hate it when people talk about my children growing up.  I often relate dates to things - for eg. I compare how old my nana was when I was born, to how old my mum was when my children were born and think about the time they might have left with her.

I know, right? It's crazy, but it's my life. 

I'm 65 and avoid doctors like the plague, when I can.  This year I can't avoid it as hubby was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in April and I've lost 5 pounds through all of that hot mess.  I've been to different doctors within the last two weeks due to what was diagnosed as stress.  I didn't realize stress and anxiety had so many tentacles to shit going wrong, but I'm finding out.  I am terrified of cancer and who knows, maybe I've got it anyway?  I can relate to exactly how you feel and it isn't fun.

[Granwych]

3 hours ago, Thorkim1954 said:

I'm 65 and avoid doctors like the plague, when I can.  This year I can't avoid it as hubby was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in April and I've lost 5 pounds through all of that hot mess.  I've been to different doctors within the last two weeks due to what was diagnosed as stress.  I didn't realize stress and anxiety had so many tentacles to shit going wrong, but I'm finding out.  I am terrified of cancer and who knows, maybe I've got it anyway?  I can relate to exactly how you feel and it isn't fun.

I am so sorry to hear about your husband .  Pancreatic cancer is one of the worst forms of cancer and not too much is known about it.   I’m 65 too, and the gradual realization that my life is about 2/3 over sucks.  I’m not shy about getting myself or Grampwych to the dr, but one thing i’ve Learned in my years as a nurse is that doctors don’t know everything .   I take so much of their advice with a grain of salt but remind myself that they don’t know everything .  One really has to be his or her own advocate, and that knowledge is power.

[SweetLaurel]

On 7/17/2019 at 6:46 PM, BernRul said:

when you die, your soul/essence/whatever continues to stay close to the things that were close to you in life, like your favorite place or loved ones. She says they are always there, all the time

Well, thinking of my deceased husband hanging around our bedroom watching me have sex with a boyfriend kinda skeeves me out.   Do they at least cover their eyes at times?   

[feministxtian]

RIght now, the way I'm looking at death is freedom from a body that is broken down, not functioning and has caused life as he knew it to be over. Now it's discomfort, exhaustion, seizures, inability to care for himself...humiliation. 

This sounds bad but when he passes, I'm taking his insulin, his pump, his meds, everything and dumping them in the trash. He'd finally be free of all the things that kept him alive but caused him never-ending discomfort. 

I hope he crosses to the other side to be with his sister who passed in 2006, They were thick as thieves, best friends, and her death killed a part of him. 

[allthegoodnamesrgone]

7 hours ago, Granwych said:

I am so sorry to hear about your husband .  Pancreatic cancer is one of the worst forms of cancer and not too much is known about it.   I’m 65 too, and the gradual realization that my life is about 2/3 over sucks.  I’m not shy about getting myself or Grampwych to the dr, but one thing i’ve Learned in my years as a nurse is that doctors don’t know everything .   I take so much of their advice with a grain of salt but remind myself that they don’t know everything .  One really has to be his or her own advocate, and that knowledge is power.

I've discovered in my 48 years that the best doctors are the ones who listen to their patients. I'd been having kidney stones, like crazy over the course of about 5 years a friend of mine  commented about  my condition her husband had, had the same thing,.. Long story shorty, I asked my doctor about this possible condition and he was like, "could be, lets run some tests"  He didn't blow my suggestion off and for that reason I still see him, even though he is impossible to get to see most of the time.