Dillards 77: Sex Advice from Smoochie Sweetie Sweet Muffin

[TheMustardCardigan]

I think sometimes, when someone shares an opinion about a fundie here, people are way too quick to apply that opinion to their own personal life and get upset about it. People are sharing these opinions in the context of the subject of the opinion also being a fundie. 

I am a twentysomething with no children and I live in a house with my fiancé. I'm an attorney. Since I work for the government, my hours are good, but I am taxed and exhausted most of the time when I come home from work. As such, I'm not the best I could be when it comes to laundry, dishes, and ESPECIALLY cooking. I sometimes feel insecure about the fact that I'm not a great cook, that I struggle to get to the grocery store to buy fresh ingredients, that my fiancé and I go out to eat way more often than we probably should. My fiancé carries a decent amount of the chores. I grew up in a household with a SAHM and a dad with a super demanding career. My mom did everything in the home and my dad didn't lift a finger once he was home from work. I love how helpful my fiancé is, but because of the way I was raised, sometimes I feel like a slacker.

But that being said, when everyone piles on about Jill's processed food dishes, I don't relate it back to myself. I don't feel like anyone is talking about me or making a value judgment on me. On the 500 occasions that people here have ragged on the Duggars for using disposable plates and cups, I haven't felt like people were making a BEC comment just because I also use paper plates often. 

I feel this way because I believe people are primarily making these comments because of the fundie nexus. The Duggar daughters are primed from birth to believe the only thing they can ever aspire to is being a wife and a mom. The Duggars firmly believe the only place for a woman is in the home. They might let their daughters dabble in an interest before Fundie Prince Charming comes along, like Jill and midwifery, but it's clear once they're married that it was nothing more than something to keep them busy until it was time for their "real" purpose as a mom and wife. They talk on end about jurisdictions and buddy teams, with the inference being that this is preparing the girls for their later roles. And so when people see Israel's car seat looking like it has literally never been cleaned, that seems to fly in the face of all the preaching. It's that discrepancy. 

 

[feministxtian]

I am currently a SAHW and my car usually is a damn disaster. Empty water bottles on the floor, a bunch of crumpled reciepts, a couple of jackets in the back seat, it needs to be washed and detailed but I don't have the time. I'm fucking exhausted 90% of the time...it may have something to do with all the driving I do these days. The mess in my car will soon be joined by a wheelchair and walker. I spend way too much time in the damn car to want to go out and clean it out/detail it. Besides, it's now gotten hot AF here and I ain't sweating my ass off just to please someone else. 

When I had small kids it was just as bad...However, I never, ever forgot a kid in the car...it surprises me how someone can do that. 

[church_of_dog]

I have the cluttering gene and I put a lot of conscious effort into resisting that and not letting stuff pile up (inside cars as well as home).  I'm moderately successful at this but if you showed up the day before a decluttering spree you might disagree.

However, I couldn't care less about the mud/dirt/gravel that accumulates on the floorboards, and I think to wipe dust and grime from the dashboard only when I can no longer see the odometer.  Regarding the outside of the vehicle, my attitude is generally "a thick layer of desert dust and mud protects the paint from the harsh elements" 

 

 

[feministxtian]

17 minutes ago, church_of_dog said:

However, I couldn't care less about the mud/dirt/gravel that accumulates on the floorboards, and I think to wipe dust and grime from the dashboard only when I can no longer see the odometer.  Regarding the outside of the vehicle, my attitude is generally "a thick layer of desert dust and mud protects the paint from the harsh elements" 

I totally agree. The dust that gathers on the outside protects the paint in the desert sun. The only thing I wipe regularly is the computer screen so I can see it. Beyond that, well...who cares! Eventually I'll get sick of it and clean it. My coffee table is beyond cluttered but it has my hub's stuff on it. My dining room table is a model assembly area, my kitchen bar is a catch-all. My bedroom, well...we're talking college dorm disaster. 

Our house is too small for the people living in it so we make do. Hopefully we'll be in a bigger place by the end of the year. 

[lumpentheologie]

I think expecting women to keep every space they're in neat and tidy is as ridiculous/harmful as expecting them to cook three meals a day or always have done hair and makeup. People have different priorities and different things that come easier/harder for them.  As long as it's not a health hazard, who cares. 

I feel like a lot of comments here perpetuate the harmful stereotypes about women that we see in fundamentalism, often supposedly under the guise of pointing out hypocrisy. 

[squiddysquid]

From Jills insta; I know everybody grieves differently but that line with the winking smiley? No, just no.

jillmdillard

My heart breaks ? My grandma died suddenly today! She was an amazing woman of God and such a great example to so many! ? Grandma, you are greatly missed by all who knew you! ? She was a feisty, incredible woman who always took the time to talk about Jesus with everyone she knew! I know she was ready to check outta here and get her new body in heaven before the old one started giving her too much trouble! ? We miss you so much!! ??#maryduggar #rip #grandmaduggar #safeinthearmsofjesus❤

[Someone Out There]

1 hour ago, squiddysquid said:

From Jills insta; I know everybody grieves differently but that line with the winking smiley? No, just no.

jillmdillard

My heart breaks ? My grandma died suddenly today! She was an amazing woman of God and such a great example to so many! ? Grandma, you are greatly missed by all who knew you! ? She was a feisty, incredible woman who always took the time to talk about Jesus with everyone she knew! I know she was ready to check outta here and get her new body in heaven before the old one started giving her too much trouble! ? We miss you so much!! ??#maryduggar #rip #grandmaduggar #safeinthearmsofjesus❤ 

The wink is innapropriate, but the sentiment behind the rest of the sentence I can believe (perhaps poorly constructed though).

[VelociRapture]

6 hours ago, TheMustardCardigan said:

I think sometimes, when someone shares an opinion about a fundie here, people are way too quick to apply that opinion to their own personal life and get upset about it. People are sharing these opinions in the context of the subject of the opinion also being a fundie. 

I am a twentysomething with no children and I live in a house with my fiancé. I'm an attorney. Since I work for the government, my hours are good, but I am taxed and exhausted most of the time when I come home from work. As such, I'm not the best I could be when it comes to laundry, dishes, and ESPECIALLY cooking. I sometimes feel insecure about the fact that I'm not a great cook, that I struggle to get to the grocery store to buy fresh ingredients, that my fiancé and I go out to eat way more often than we probably should. My fiancé carries a decent amount of the chores. I grew up in a household with a SAHM and a dad with a super demanding career. My mom did everything in the home and my dad didn't lift a finger once he was home from work. I love how helpful my fiancé is, but because of the way I was raised, sometimes I feel like a slacker.

But that being said, when everyone piles on about Jill's processed food dishes, I don't relate it back to myself. I don't feel like anyone is talking about me or making a value judgment on me. On the 500 occasions that people here have ragged on the Duggars for using disposable plates and cups, I haven't felt like people were making a BEC comment just because I also use paper plates often. 

I feel this way because I believe people are primarily making these comments because of the fundie nexus. The Duggar daughters are primed from birth to believe the only thing they can ever aspire to is being a wife and a mom. The Duggars firmly believe the only place for a woman is in the home. They might let their daughters dabble in an interest before Fundie Prince Charming comes along, like Jill and midwifery, but it's clear once they're married that it was nothing more than something to keep them busy until it was time for their "real" purpose as a mom and wife. They talk on end about jurisdictions and buddy teams, with the inference being that this is preparing the girls for their later roles. And so when people see Israel's car seat looking like it has literally never been cleaned, that seems to fly in the face of all the preaching. It's that discrepancy. 

 

I understand that was what the OP was trying to state, but I don’t think the word choice was the best (it happens to all of us at some point.) She didn’t state anything about their belief system at all, she merely said that since Jill doesn’t have a job the car shouldn’t be a mess - which implies that anyone who is a SAHP should have all their spaces clean all the time and ignores the fact that being a parent who stays home isn’t something that is always easy for everyone. 

And this isn’t directed at you, but I really wish the debate between working parents and SAH parents was not a thing at this point. It’s obnoxious and unproductive in so many ways. Everyone has struggles that are unique to their own lives and I find it unfair for anyone on any side of this debate to dismiss that because it isn’t their specific experience. 

1 hour ago, squiddysquid said:

From Jills insta; I know everybody grieves differently but that line with the winking smiley? No, just no.

jillmdillard

My heart breaks ? My grandma died suddenly today! She was an amazing woman of God and such a great example to so many! ? Grandma, you are greatly missed by all who knew you! ? She was a feisty, incredible woman who always took the time to talk about Jesus with everyone she knew! I know she was ready to check outta here and get her new body in heaven before the old one started giving her too much trouble! ? We miss you so much!! ??#maryduggar #rip #grandmaduggar #safeinthearmsofjesus❤

Like you said, people have different ways of showing grief. The winky face is an odd choice, but maybe that’s the kind of relationship they had with each other or that’s the way Mary talked about dying at some point. The rest of the post is fine and Grandma Mary obviously played a big role in her life, so I’m willing to give her a pass this time. 

[QuiverFullofBooks]

Maybe I’m just old, but that’s way too many emojis and hashtags and way too cheerful for a memorial post.

[VelociRapture]

1 hour ago, QuiverFullofBooks said:

Maybe I’m just old, but that’s way too many emojis and hashtags and way too cheerful for a memorial post.

I agree it is a bit jarring. I think it’s important to remember their beliefs here though. For Jill and her family, Mary has entered eternal life, has been reunited with her loved ones, and is no longer in pain. That might be why her post comes across as more cheerful to you. They’re sad she’s gone, but happy that she’s with Jesus now (according to their beliefs.)

[squiddysquid]

"she was ready to check outta here"

That forced "cool kids lingo" she so awkwardly uses... just has no place in a memorial post either, if you ask me.

Edited June 10, 2019 by squiddysquid
I had to write an obituary for my father who died when I was a teenager. I get that she's in shock, but this just rubs me the wrong way.

[Ali]

8 hours ago, TheMustardCardigan said:

I think sometimes, when someone shares an opinion about a fundie here, people are way too quick to apply that opinion to their own personal life and get upset about it. People are sharing these opinions in the context of the subject of the opinion also being a fundie. 

I am a twentysomething with no children and I live in a house with my fiancé. I'm an attorney. Since I work for the government, my hours are good, but I am taxed and exhausted most of the time when I come home from work. As such, I'm not the best I could be when it comes to laundry, dishes, and ESPECIALLY cooking. I sometimes feel insecure about the fact that I'm not a great cook, that I struggle to get to the grocery store to buy fresh ingredients, that my fiancé and I go out to eat way more often than we probably should. My fiancé carries a decent amount of the chores. I grew up in a household with a SAHM and a dad with a super demanding career. My mom did everything in the home and my dad didn't lift a finger once he was home from work. I love how helpful my fiancé is, but because of the way I was raised, sometimes I feel like a slacker.

But that being said, when everyone piles on about Jill's processed food dishes, I don't relate it back to myself. I don't feel like anyone is talking about me or making a value judgment on me. On the 500 occasions that people here have ragged on the Duggars for using disposable plates and cups, I haven't felt like people were making a BEC comment just because I also use paper plates often. 

I feel this way because I believe people are primarily making these comments because of the fundie nexus. The Duggar daughters are primed from birth to believe the only thing they can ever aspire to is being a wife and a mom. The Duggars firmly believe the only place for a woman is in the home. They might let their daughters dabble in an interest before Fundie Prince Charming comes along, like Jill and midwifery, but it's clear once they're married that it was nothing more than something to keep them busy until it was time for their "real" purpose as a mom and wife. They talk on end about jurisdictions and buddy teams, with the inference being that this is preparing the girls for their later roles. And so when people see Israel's car seat looking like it has literally never been cleaned, that seems to fly in the face of all the preaching. It's that discrepancy. 

 

I thought the comment attacking Jill because she has a messy car was quite hateful and BEC. I wish the mommy wars would end. Being a stay at home mom is hard. Frequently you can't even use the bathroom without children finding you and bugging you. Being a working parent is hard. Being a single parent is hard. Why does it have to be a contest and turn into a mommy war? Derek is fully capable of cleaning a car too. As far as we know of, he does not have a job. 

Perhaps we should focus on fundamentalism instead of nitpicking every little thing we think Jill does wrong. She gets lots of BEC comments on because she is awkward and not skilled on social media while Alyssa has fans and everyone wants to discuss Jinger's new hair. The Duggar and the Bates forums are so different than other areas of this board.

In the Anderson forum, we have recently been discussing how miserable her children appear and how the mom got a lock for the refrigerator and the cupboard to prevent her children helping themselves to food.

I think it is important to note that Jill had to hide in the bathroom to make sure she could eat and the video shows she makes her kids are able to snack in the car. Hopefully it means her kids always have full bellies and will not grow up with food issues.

Edited June 10, 2019 by Ali

[HerNameIsBuffy]

12 minutes ago, Ali said:

think it is important to note that Jill had to hide in the bathroom to make sure she could eat and the video shows she makes her kids are able to snack in the car. Hopefully it means her kids always have full bellies and will not grow up with food issues.

Exactly.  In this context that mess is freaking beautiful.

[AliceInFundyland]

Being a human is hard. I am a depressed human working from home. My apartment ain't up to snuff.

I shudder to think what some of you people who think various things about what is "easy" would judge me on.

 

[nickelodeon]

That in memoriam post is weird as fuck. Flashbacks to Smuggar’s “just buried my lil sis!” post on his old twitter — the flattening of all emotion into strained chirpy joy is definitely something they were taught.

[SweetJuly]

2 hours ago, VelociRapture said:

or that’s the way Mary talked about dying at some point. The rest of the post is fine and Grandma Mary obviously played a big role in her life, so I’m willing to give her a pass this time. 

I suspect (and hope) Jill was quoting her Grandma or referring to an inside joke between the two of them. At least to me the phrasing and winking emoji seem to indicate this. 

It's just Jill meaning well, but ending up sounding awkward and inappropriate again. 

 

Edited June 10, 2019 by SweetJuly
English is not my native language

[Meggo]

12 hours ago, VelociRapture said:

You obviously don’t need to answer if you don’t feel like it, but I’m curious: did your daughter spend a lot of time in your car? I ask because I’ve noticed that things at my house stay cleaner when we aren’t home much during the day, while it can get pretty messy when we are home a lot. The same is true with our cars - my car is consistently messier than my husband’s because our daughter only ever rides in my car. The car seat is a pain to move between vehicles, so my car is the official ride of the Velocichildren for that reason. It’s easy for my husband to keep his car clean because he doesn’t have a tiny person constantly throwing food and toys everywhere. 

 

Are you me? Seriously - so many times I read your posts and am just nodding in agreement. My car (which truthfully was messy before-kiddo) is the activity center. I have tball gear in there, I have a picnic blanket & a folding chair for tball games. I think the ice skates are still in there (skating just ended two weeks ago). Also - a new bag of kitty litter and dads fathers day present is hidden in my trunk.
And when I leave the car - anytime I leave the car - I am carrying at least 2 bags of stuff - sometimes more. Sometimes it's my purse - but there is a kid backpack, sometimes a lunch bag, some times groceries or if we ran an errand - a bag of some sort from the store.
So I walk into the house with my arms loaded and immediately get set upon by the pack of hungry wolves my ONE child has dissolved into in the three minutes between parking the car and getting in the house. 

Daddy's car is just as messy - don't let him try and convince you it's not - it's just HIS car is work mess. Papers, measuring tapes, whatever other crap is there... he just THINKS my car is messier. My car is just kid flotsam & jetsam.

[Gobsmacked]

When my two were at Primary school my car was horrible! I was in a car share with other parents so always had wee strangers travelling with us.

Lunch box left overs opened and spilled, sand (we lived in a beach area), smelly trainers, juice spills, wrappers, wet children ( we often stopped off at the beach on the way home), #1 vomiting ( due to undiagnosed tummy problems-fucking doctors). Life was messy but fun and I wouldn't have changed it at all. Expect for #1 illness of course. 

[jillsdopplerofdoom]

I honestly didn't see anything bad with that post. Probably just a joke between them, maybe something Grandma had said a while before she passed as a jokey comment. I can hear Mary saying the bolded line above in her voice. Yes maybe some of the emojis Jill used are a bit odd but grief does unusual things to us. I think some people are looking too far into it. 

[HerNameIsBuffy]

Duggars as a whole are not good communicators.

Diggars as a whole are notoriously bad at reading a room and understanding how they come off to other people.

Duggars as a whole were clearly raised to suppress complex human emotion and internal conflict and that the only acceptable emotions to express were those which are very basic and superficial.

Christians do often experience genuine joy at the idea of their loved ones in a better place, especially if they were physically suffering on earth, even whilst they grieve.  

Duggars as a whole were taught to smile and talk about Jesus when attention was aimed their way.

And nobody in the world grieves in a way that wouldn’t draw criticism from someone if it were on display.  

When I lost my parents my grief was accompanied by a bursting of an abscess of white hot rage so intense even I had no idea i was deep enough to contain its festering pain.  

Nothing I said or felt at that time would have been suitable for public consumption.  

We all get through stuff the best we can - including Duggars.

Edited June 10, 2019 by HerNameIsBuffy

[Sullie06]

My car is a disaster, like my husband was in it the other day and he was looks at me and says "what happened in here?" We both work but the kids are primarily in my car so....life. The one things I can say though is I don't allow my kids to eat in the car so thankfully their car seats are not completely destroyed. 

[front hugs > duggs]

I don't take issue with Jill's tribute to Mary. We use humor to deal with grief in my family too, and from an outside perspective, I can understand how it can seem tacky or whatever, but it helps us cope. My grandma died within 6 months of being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Towards the end, she was clearly in so much pain. We knew the outcome. It was about managing her pain until that outcome was realized. 

This song helped us through (please release me, let me go). I know the song isn't at all about what we made it about. But it just kind of worked with our family dynamic to help us heal with her loss. We obviously loved and adored and cherished our grandma. We were heartbroken to say goodbye to her.

 

[SassyPants]

23 minutes ago, Sullie06 said:

My car is a disaster, like my husband was in it the other day and he was looks at me and says "what happened in here?" We both work but the kids are primarily in my car so....life. The one things I can say though is I don't allow my kids to eat in the car so thankfully their car seats are not completely destroyed. 

When our kids were in elementary school, commuter students and heavily into sports of the traveling variety, my husband once suggested that I never let the kids eat or drink in the car, and I laughed! They would have never eaten.

[Screamapillar]

Jill's tribute to Grandma Mary doesn't bother me. Not my style, but I'm not a Duggar. But it's Jill's grandmother so she's allowed to say whatever she likes.

My grandfather died last week and my social media tribute to him was a picture of him as a teenager on the beach with a surfboard under his arm. I got a lot of "what a hottie/stud/dreamboat" type comments, and knowing my grandfather, he would have loved that.

[HerNameIsBuffy]

1 minute ago, Screamapillar said:

Jill's tribute to Grandma Mary doesn't bother me. Not my style, but I'm not a Duggar. But it's Jill's grandmother so she's allowed to say whatever she likes.

My grandfather died last week and my social media tribute to him was a picture of him as a teenager on the beach with a surfboard under his arm. I got a lot of "what a hottie/stud/dreamboat" type comments, and knowing my grandfather, he would have loved that.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

FWIW I moved last weekend and it was ...less organized than any move in history.  

I realized this morning I still have a never used pooper scooper, computer monitor, a colander, and 12 pack of Gatorade in the back seat of my Mustang.  

Maybe I’m messy.  Or just maybe im super prepared for a very specific emergency.