Dillards 77: Sex Advice from Smoochie Sweetie Sweet Muffin

[treehugger]

@LacyMay, I get it.  For four years, my husband worked up North doing a three weeks on, one week off rotation.  And the past two years he has had to travel a great deal for work, so we have also done a lot of long distance relationship work.   9 years married and still going strong.  It's not easy always being away from each other, but I will say our communication skills actually really improved when he first started travelling.  When he was physically distant, talking to each other about everything was all we had, and the habit stuck.  It's a good thing, actually. 

The hardest part for me was the solo parenting.  

[allthegoodnamesrgone]

On 6/4/2019 at 4:11 PM, onekidanddone said:

Jill fails to tell us what husbands should do when their wives come home from work. 

Wives coming home from work, bless your heart.  

[allthegoodnamesrgone]

On 6/5/2019 at 4:39 AM, ophelia said:

I'm torn between being really mad and feeling deeply sorry for her. What she wrote about sex and intimacy really is some fucked up shit and once again shows how immature and drenched in fundie koolaid she really is. At the same time it shows how desperate she is to do everything correctly, to be the perfect fundie wife and that is just plain sad. Her parents really screwed her up and put her in the horrible position she now is: unhappy marriage, no life on her own and grasping straws to somehow survive. Don't get me wrong - I don't want to defend her. She and her trainwreck of a husband said some horrible things over the past years and this shows just once again how dangerous their worldview and belief system are. 

BTW: I wonder how much eye rolling was going on at the Seewald house when Jessa saw that post. She is WAY better at the whole social media gig than Jill will ever be and I always got a vibe from Jessa that she doesn't like Jill at all.

I didn't read misery into this post, I read that she totally believes this BS and actually enjoys sex, perhaps Derick isn't a total douche and makes it good for her too. (sorry  )  I also think D&J have finally worked out their issues and are enjoying their lives for moment at least. Derick is happy to be back in school, and Jill is happy to be home.  They seem to have several different sets of friends, Jill has a book club (a fundy one but it's books at least) and we've seen her & the boys at play dates with other kids and moms. She's spending a little more time with her mom and some of her siblings.

ITA I have to wonder what Jessa thought of that post, but I think they get along, they aren't besties by any stretch, but they do seem to hang out once and a while, just the 2 of them well 6 if you count the boys.  

 

[SassyPants]

In terms of not spending time away from one another, especially during that first year of marriage, Jill must be really conflicted because she had a baby 9 months into her marriage. Maybe that list should include, if you’ve only had a courtship and do not really know the man you married, use some form of BC for a couple of years and build up a strong relationship and bond before you add helpless, dependent children.

Edited June 6, 2019 by SassyPants

[Meggo]

20 hours ago, Four is Enough said:

My kids are convinced Mr. Four and I have never had sex..... they're all adopted after all!

BWAHAHAHAHA!

I think this makes my mother REALLY happy. She's SO uptight about sex and now she can go on believing that we're both virgins. The Waffle is adopted too

15 hours ago, Iamtheway said:

?‍♀️

5 years here. Major buzzkill. 

Yeppers... I don't even remember how long we tried. We went off the pill in 2003, tried it the old fashioned way for a while and then had years (up until 2010 probably) where we did iui's, ivf... And finally adopted the Waffle in 2013.

I don't wish infertility on anyone. While The Waffle was meant to be in our family and we adore him - I would have liked to skip that entire middle part of injections and internal ultrasounds and crying in the IVF room. 

[Four is Enough]

31 minutes ago, Meggo said:

I don't wish infertility on anyone.

Truer words were never spoken. Me neither.

[HereticHick]

10 hours ago, LacyMay said:

That said the one I can't get past is 

"-Take the challenge to spend every night together during your first year of marriage…and be intentional about minimizing the nights you have to spend apart in the future!" 

 

It also tells me that the Gothard crowd makes such a cult of everyone having a "family-based business" and they are such anti-miltary Christian dominionists, that Jill can't fathom a  husband being deployed, pulling night shifts, being a long-distance trucker, commercial fisherman, etc.

Hey Jill, my dad and lots of the men in my family did military tours abroad. My husband goes on work trips (sometimes for the government) for months at a time. Suck it up, buttercup. Public Service is like that.

Maybe Whitney Bates should sit Jill down and explain to her that her husband Zach Bates has a REAL job (sheriff's deputy) and sometimes works nights.

Edited June 6, 2019 by HereticHick

[StraightOuttaArkansas]

Woot, finally caught up.

I too told Mr. Outta about the 6 second kiss. He immediately wanted to try it...yeah did not go so well. I was done after 2 seconds probably. He held on for the 6, but it was the most awkward kiss I have ever had. Which I find strange because I love we go all teenie-bopper make out session (not to stir up unrighteous desires in you all, but he's a pretty good kisser ).

Also add me to the list of people who found sex under pressure horrible. I was counting down to when we could start trying for Littlest Outta and after the first few times (and I have a pretty lucky cycle) I was so over it. A year later and I am still a bit jaded. I really only enjoy sex if it super super super spontaneous. Like if we are downstairs and he suggests going up, that is already too not spontaneous still. I hope this gets better. We had a great sex life before TTC.

Also a bit off topic, but still a bit on. Littlest Outta went up to the hospital to do a peanut challenge today (he sort of passed, no reaction for the amount he manged to do). One of the nurses who specializes in allergies was really fundie looking (jean skirt, perfect hair, super keep sweet voice, biblical name along the lines of Ruth, but not quite that). Wonderful woman, could answer all my questions, gave us so much information, I felt Littlest Outta was totally taken care of and we given confidence to proceed on at home. In the car on the way home all I could think about was how Jill was robbed of someone thinking about her like this. It was so clear to me this young woman loved her job and was passionate about her work (whether she was actually fundie or not) and if the Duggar parents were not so anti education Jill probably would have been a real midwife. I was really sad think about it, but happy to have met this nurse.

Ok back to Jill's sex talk.

[HideousGreenShirt]

Jill's education is interesting to me. 

YouTube recommended a bunch of old 19kac episodes recently and in one a couple of CollegePlus tutors (eye roll) were visiting and working with Jill, Jinger and I think Joe. Jill was the only one who seemed super enthusiastic and spoke about how it was hard work but absolutely worth it. It stood out to me because she seemed so eager to learn. 

There was also a talking head (can't remember which parent) where they basically said that they don't encourage further education and prefer their kids to gain skills. 

Jill pursuing her questionable midwifery training suggests that she actually would have done really well in school from the perspective of applying herself to the work and probably socially too.  

Just as @StraightOuttaArkansas said, Jill was robbed of a decent education and the opportunity for a career. 

[FleeJanaFree]

I think with proper education, and learning to keep her mouth shut about her personal religious beliefs, Jill would actually make a good nurse. She's a people pleaser and she seems like she genuinely wants to help others. I think her personality overall would suit a nurse- She seems empathetic and I like bubbly, smiley medical staff- I'm always inclined to speak up more when I don't feel like I'm being rushed or wasting their time.

[TheMustardCardigan]

Derick posted a picture where it looks like he is paying the bills. Feels like he is trying to show the “haters” that he actually pays the bills by posing at the dining room table with Sam. 

Spoiler

 

 

[GuineaPigCourtship]

He looks kind of uncomfortable in the picture where Izzy is actually touching a pencil.

[BachelorToTheRapture]

10 hours ago, HereticHick said:

It also tells me that the Gothard crowd makes such a cult of everyone having a "family-based business" and they are such anti-miltary Christian dominionists, that Jill can't fathom a  husband being deployed, pulling night shifts, being a long-distance trucker, commercial fisherman, etc.

Hey Jill, my dad and lots of the men in my family did military tours abroad. My husband goes on work trips (sometimes for the government) for months at a time. Suck it up, buttercup. Public Service is like that.

Maybe Whitney Bates should sit Jill down and explain to her that her husband Zach Bates has a REAL job (sheriff's deputy) and sometimes works nights.

That one got to me too! My husband is gone frequently because hes in the army reserves and in a unit far enough away he cant drive home when he has a weekend of drill (not to mention out of state trainings). It makes it clear that while they love their fake military activities, they dont understand or support what it's actually like.

We also sometimes visit family out of state separately both to save money on flights, and because depending on what we're doing it's not something we'd both enjoy. I think it's good for us, even though I do miss him. Plus it makes us both appreciate it more when we're home together and what the other does (both chores and emotionally).

[Timetostoplurking]

My husband and I frequently take separate vacations.  I go off with my sisters or friends and he travels with his buddies.   I’ve been all over the world without him.  We have different interests and travel differently.  We also love to travel together to a destination we both will enjoy.  It works for us.  Am I doing marriage wrong?  Gosh, married 28 years and I’ve been doing it wrong all this time.  Yikes!! 

[JordynDarby5]

My first reaction to Jill's advice was really what kind of man needs that much attention and validation. Apparently she's married to one and/or that's how a lot of fundie men are. But really what kind of man wants sex when ever he wants whether or not his wife wants to or not? Isn't it more fun when your both in the mood then just you and your wife is going along with it because she thinks she has too? What kind of man wants his wife to only to be interested in his hobbies? Yeah, sure its fun. But Jill most men are happy that their wives having their own hobbies, interests and even happy to spend time away from them. That's because their mature adults who consider their wife and equal partner and want her to be happy and do what she wants. What kind of man needs his wife constantly telling him when their separated how much they miss each other? My parents used to get excited when one went on a business trip or the other went back to visit relatives they got the bed to themselves, control over TV and didn't have to cook. They didn't need this constant need to tell each other they loved each other. They knew that. They didn't need to spend every second together. They were happy to go off and do their own thing and happy when their wife/husband went off and did their own thing. They wanted them too.  

The one above who mentioned Jill sounds like a teen in her first relationship. That's what it sounds like or the early parts of a new relationship. First time so have sex all the time, when you apart always thinking about him, always sending him notes, emails, etc. about how much you miss him.   

I re-read the advice again thinking about how it sounded like 1940s or 50s marriage advice. Maybe proof that magazines have always had bad advice? I remember Sassy having terrible dating advice.

Edited June 7, 2019 by JordynDarby5

[Iamtheway]

16 hours ago, Meggo said:

I think this makes my mother REALLY happy. She's SO uptight about sex and now she can go on believing that we're both virgins. The Waffle is adopted too

Yeppers... I don't even remember how long we tried. We went off the pill in 2003, tried it the old fashioned way for a while and then had years (up until 2010 probably) where we did iui's, ivf... And finally adopted the Waffle in 2013.

I don't wish infertility on anyone. While The Waffle was meant to be in our family and we adore him - I would have liked to skip that entire middle part of injections and internal ultrasounds and crying in the IVF room. 

Yeah, if I had known we’d randomly concieve naturally five years after starting to try I could have skipped the whole ivf-circus and it would have saved me many, many tears. I figure we needed to get all the crappy eggs out of the way before we got to the Miniway one though. 

It’s hard to take in how random conception is. Imagine how a headache 200 years ago could have led to one of your ancestors not being born and then your whole line not excisting. Or an accident or someone being late for a date or just someone having an extra wank sometime before you were concived and spilling the one sperm that is half of you or that sperm being a tiny bit slower. It’s one of the things that make me think there might be a god after all. 

And not a single one of you should feel even a little bad about your own marriage after reading something Jill wrote! She married the first boy that looked at her before even spending a minute alone with him. She’s hardly an expert on relationships.

[Speedy]

I've always been of the opinion that Jill would have done really well in a "real" school and has a real enjoyment of learning. We saw her reaction to CollegePlus as @HideousGreenShirt said, and I remember her talking about Spanish lessons in 19Kids at some point (i think, its been awhile though so I could be wrong). I think her worst problem has been longterm follow through, and that definitely wasn't her fault, especially at that point. The type of "learning" she was told was right was what she received from the SOTDRT and memorization of Bible passages and whatever other strict rules and lessons her parents taught, she was never taught to work at something to better herself outside of becoming more "godly" or to think for herself at any level that most schools or nonfundie homeschooling parents require. If she had had that instilled in her at a young age instead of having it beaten it out of her, she probably would have been able to handle nursing school or becoming a registered midwife. It's sad to think how much her parents stole from her education wise. And now its hard to even feel bad for her since she's raising children seemingly into the same cult she was raised in. How do you feel bad for a victim of abuse without simultaneously discounting the abuse they are or plan to perpetuate? 

 

Sorry if none of that made sense. Its 2am and I haven't slept in about 36 hours so I'm a little out of it but I think most of that was coherent.

[CharlieInCharge]

Jill posted a March update (she’s apparently trying to catch up) and it shows some insights into their life. Most interesting to me was Derick’s birthday party because it appears several Duggar brothers were there. I thought this went against the current popular opinion that he is on the outs with the wider Duggar family. I had thought this myself because it didn’t seem like the family was helping out with their house building project. Here’s the link if anyone wants to see, I don’t want to post a bunch of random pics - https://www.dillardfamily.com/2019/06/march-2019-pictures-and-videos/

TBH this just makes the family dynamics seem weirder to me. 

Edited June 8, 2019 by CharlieInCharge
Riffles

[PennySycamore]

@Speedy, what you wrote was perfectly coherent despite your lack of sleep!  

[VelociRapture]

22 minutes ago, CharlieInCharge said:

Jill posted a March update (she’s apparently trying to catch up) and it shows some insights into their life. Most interesting to me was Derick’s birthday party because it appears several Duggar brothers were there. I thought this went against the current popular opinion that he is on the outs with the wider Duggar family. I had thought this myself because it didn’t seem like the family was helping out with their house building project. Here’s the link if anyone wants to see, I don’t want to post a bunch of random pics - https://www.dillardfamily.com/2019/06/march-2019-pictures-and-videos/

TBH this just makes the family dynamics seem weirder to me. 

I think people forget just how big this family is. With the number of people involved it can be difficult coordinating schedules for things like moving or parties. It’s only going to get harder as more of the kids marry and start having kids of their own. I doubt we’ll see the entire family gathered together for anything other than major events (like weddings) soon, and even then that might not be possible.

We also don’t know whether they would have been legally allowed to help our considering they went with a new build in what appears to be a neighborhood the contractor is developing. The Duggars might not have been allowed to help legally due to liability issues the contractor didn’t want to risk. 

[SassyPants]

3 minutes ago, VelociRapture said:

I think people forget just how big this family is. With the number of people involved it can be difficult coordinating schedules for things like moving or parties. It’s only going to get harder as more of the kids marry and start having kids of their own. I doubt we’ll see the entire family gathered together for anything other than major events (like weddings) soon, and even then that might not be possible.

We also don’t know whether they would have been legally allowed to help our considering they went with a new build in what appears to be a neighborhood the contractor is developing. The Duggars might not have been allowed to help legally due to liability issues the contractor didn’t want to risk. 

Yes, this is what I thought too, especially with regards to the married siblings, because there’s a whole other family to consider, and most of the other families are just large and not Duggaresque. But for those still living at The TTH, where there are no known outside jobs, friends, or school activities, there really is not that excuse.

[VelociRapture]

1 hour ago, SassyPants said:

Yes, this is what I thought too, especially with regards to the married siblings, because there’s a whole other family to consider, and most of the other families are just large and not Duggaresque. But for those still living at The TTH, where there are no known outside jobs, friends, or school activities, there really is not that excuse.

Most of the Lost Boys are old enough to have work schedules of some kind at this point. We don’t know about it because they aren’t really on Counting On that much, their parents don’t use social media often, and they don’t have their own social media accounts. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re busier than we assume because we honestly don’t see very much of their lives. If I’m right then all or most of Jill’s siblings could have legitimately been unavailable to help them build the house. And I believe all of the unmarried offspring as well as most of the married couples (I think all of them except JinJer and the Dills actually) attended the Family Conference the same weekend the Dills moved into their house, meaning they were either preparing to leave or already gone when the move happened. 

[QuiverFullofBooks]

2 hours ago, CharlieInCharge said:

Most interesting to me was Derick’s birthday party because it appears several Duggar brothers were there. I thought this went against the current popular opinion that he is on the outs with the wider Duggar family.

Really? Which brothers? I only saw Derick’s brother and friend. Josh’s kids were there, so possibly he was too.

[CharlieInCharge]

Joe and Josiah are named under their pictures and two others have possible Duggars in them, so at least two for sure and maybe more.

[SassyPants]

2 hours ago, VelociRapture said:

Most of the Lost Boys are old enough to have work schedules of some kind at this point. We don’t know about it because they aren’t really on Counting On that much, their parents don’t use social media often, and they don’t have their own social media accounts. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re busier than we assume because we honestly don’t see very much of their lives. If I’m right then all or most of Jill’s siblings could have legitimately been unavailable to help them build the house. And I believe all of the unmarried offspring as well as most of the married couples (I think all of them except JinJer and the Dills actually) attended the Family Conference the same weekend the Dills moved into their house, meaning they were either preparing to leave or already gone when the move happened. 

I was only talking about attending a gathering like DD’s birthday party, not building a house. It looks like the Dillards moved into a newly constructed home, so unless people were thinking about possibly outdoor landscaping, I’m not sure how the Duggars would have been involved with building the new house.