Seewalds 41: Christian Hero Ivy Jane

[HarleyQuinn]

NGL I wanted a girl so badly with my first that I did have that hour or so of disappointment when I found out Quinn1 was a boy, but now I'm happy I only had boys. They're so much fun and I spend much less on their outfits. 

[VelociRapture]

1 hour ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

Am I the only one who didn’t care at all what my kids were as long as they were healthy, happy, and safe?  

The concept of being dissapointed is so foreign to me.

and regarding other people - they’ll say shitty stuff no matter what.  I had a boy and a girl and lots of people who cheerfully concluded how lucky I was that we were “done now.”

wasnt done and my life wouldn’t be complete without my youngest son.  He’s not a spare boy - he’s a unique individual who happens to be male.

Nope. Definitely not alone. A bunch of people on here, myself included, have already said they didn’t have a real preference either way. I was a bit worried I might this time because it’s been a tough pregnancy for me mentally and emotionally, but I was really relieved that I was just happy when I found out it was a boy, that my cervix is a good length, and that he appears healthy. Our family is going to look different than what I had initially thought I’d want, but it’s going to be even better than I imagined because of the unique little people involved*.

I don’t think a bit of disappointment is a problem personally. My sister dealt with a tiny bit of sadness when she found out her second was a boy too. That was partly because her symptoms were so drastically different that she had a hunch it was a girl and she was just surprised she was wrong. But she got over that initial shock pretty fast, she absolutely adores her boys, and she’s pretty much the best mom I’ve ever met (sorry Momma Raptor!!!!) So I don’t think a bit of sadness over it is that bad - it can be an adjustment to realize your family won’t look exactly as you imagined it would. She has one niece she can do girly stuff with if my daughter is interested in that stuff as she grows up. Or she can do that stuff with her sons or future nephew if they’re interested. Or she can just do that with friends if none of them want to do that stuff. ? 

The only time I think it’s an actual issue is when someone is so upset that they’re miserable about it. At that point they really should consult with a Doctor or Therapist because that’s just not healthy and if left unaddressed it could lead to more serious issues. 

*Before having kids, I wanted closer to four kids and I would have liked to have at least one other girl to be honest. My pregnancy history cut that number down to three pretty fast though and how tough this one has been for me mentally and emotionally made us realize two is the right number for us as neither of us want me to have to go through this again. All that really matters to us is at this point is that everyone is healthy and happy. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

I think gender disappointment has always been a thing but I think it’s likely more pronounced with the invention of ultrasound and genetic testing. We can find out the sex so early! People have turned it into a party (gender reveal). It’s built up more than ever. And thanks to smart phones we have tons of proof of gender disappointment. 

I will say that if a person has a very strong preference, they might want to think about when and how they will find out. It might be best to find out with their partner without a big party and a video recording. In case they are very disappointed. Or you might think you will react better at the birth because you will see the baby when you find out the sex. I found out at birth with my kids and I was so distracted by the baby and labor that I don’t know if I could have focused much on any gender disappointment. 

[zcccrv]

I didn't have a preference before finding out (first pregnancy, carrying a girl). I don't know if I'll want a boy if we have another but I have a hunch that I still won't care one way or another. 

[Screamapillar]

7 hours ago, VelociRapture said:

 

(But oh my god - did anyone else have trouble picking names for their sons?! We had zero issues picking girl names or choosing a middle name for our son - it’s the first name shared by my FIL and BIL - but first names? It’s the worst. My husband doesn’t really know what names he likes, he just knows which ones he doesn’t like. ? 

We were the other way around. We agreed on exactly one girl's first/middle name combo, which we used for our daughter. Her name was also pretty much 100% my choice, so we agreed that my husband could pick the name for our second.

Second is a boy, and I loved the name my husband wanted, after his favorite soccer player. It was actually one of my top boy names, too. I was fairly indifferent about the middle name he picked (after his favorite baseball player) but it sounded really nice with the first name. It really suits my son, too. It's a cool, chill name and he's a cool, chill baby.

On the other hand, I HATED my husband's girl name: Cameron. With the same middle name we used for our son, which is also unisex. I was like, yeah, ok, and was secretly telling myself that I would have to pull rank and insist we use a different name after I birthed the kid. 

Edited June 15, 2019 by Screamapillar

[patsymae]

"We have a good friend who's parents had 3 boys, they decided to adopt a little girl after that then try again because all they wanted was a girl and they would not be guaranteed one if they had another biological child. It's wonderful that they were able to give their daughter a loving home and good life but that's a lot to go through (international adoption) to just to have a girl."

Not saying it didn't work out wonderfully in your family, but it often doesn't. Just anecdotally, I have a friend who was adopted from Korea because her adoptive parents also only had boys and the Amom always dreamed of having a little girl named "Kari Ann." So Hya had to be the Kari Ann the woman always wanted. She very much resents that she was taken from her culture and homeland and language and, in her opinion, forced to become someone she wasn't. As an adult she has cut ties with the Amom, legally taken back her Korean name, visited Korea several times in search of her natural family, joined an organization of Korean adoptees and is raising her child as a very Korean American Korean American.
I also know a few, and know of more, women who were adopted from foster care at an older age because the Amom always wanted a girl. When it turned out they weren't grateful adoptee girly-girls who didn't want to bond with Amom over manipedis and chick flicks, things went south.
(Don't bother with happy adoptee stories; I'm happy for them but that's not my point).

[Kailash]

@Screamapillar I love the name Cameron for a girl! My husband hated it. ?

[SassyPants]

I think there are some women who envision what having a daughter will be like based on some fairy tale theme. The realities of raising a daughter often are directly contrary to that notion. My own daughter is a perfect example of this. She is a petite waif of the blond hair and green eyed variety and as soft and innocent as she looks, she is as independent and strong as they come. She kicks ass and takes names, and was not easy when it came to the teen years. My tall son is as soft, kind and gentle as they come, a pure delight. I thought I wanted 2 daughters, and he proved me wrong.

[mango_fandango]

I am the only granddaughter on both sides of my family - I have a younger brother and four male cousins. So having a girl would be a nice change in that respect. That being said, I know what boys are like  Really I’d be fine with either. Healthy is the main thing. 

There are also not really any boy names I like, either. But I’m so far away from having kids that I have plenty of time to think  plus of course I’d have to consider my partner’s preferences. This is why I like writing stories; I can use all names *I* like!! 

 

[Iamtheway]

9 hours ago, VelociRapture said:

(But oh my god - did anyone else have trouble picking names for their sons?! We had zero issues picking girl names or choosing a middle name for our son - it’s the first name shared by my FIL and BIL - but first names? It’s the worst. 

Oh yes! We didn’t even really talk about girls names because we thought it wouldn’t be a problem. I was also so sure it was a boy. We didn’t find out until he came out but I think it would have been a shock to me if he had been a girl. 

We chose two middle names, one from each family, and we agreed on them easily. But the first name took a while and in the end there was only one name we could agree on. We both hated the other ones favourites. 

Coming from different cultures didn’t help at all since we had very different associations and references. We agreed we wanted a name that would work in both swedish and english though. Miniway’s name is an old swedish name that is not one of the more popular ones doing a comeback. It was Mr Way’s suggestion but in the end I was the one who liked it better. 

It’s not a known name in Australia but our family and friends all got it and said it right after hearing it once so we nailed that bit. And Miniway says he loves it and just laughs at the other suggestions we had so I guess that’s a win too.

Good luck @VelociRapture! 

[Angelface]

2 hours ago, Kailash said:

@Screamapillar I love the name Cameron for a girl! My husband hated it. ?

I live in Scotland and Cameron is almost exclusively a boy’s name!

[Screamapillar]

1 hour ago, Angelface said:

I live in Scotland and Cameron is almost exclusively a boy’s name!

The funny thing is, Cameron was our second favorite boy's name, unanimously. If we'd had two boys instead of a girl and a boy, Cameron would have been our second son's name.

My husband loved the name for a girl, too. I did not. I have a unisex first name that leans towards being more common for boys, too, so maybe it's me projecting a bit. Always been fairly neutral about my own name. 

We have very similar taste in boy's name and very, very different taste in girl's names. We could have named twenty sons but every daughter after our first would have probably come down to an 11th hour decision. 

[Glasgowghirl]

2 hours ago, Angelface said:

I live in Scotland and Cameron is almost exclusively a boy’s name!

Yes, my nephew has a name that is an Irish name that can be used for both boy's and girl's but in Scotland and Ireland it is mostly a boy's name these days but in the US it mostly a girl's name. I did work with a girl with that name but she is the only girl I know with that name and I know a lot of boy's with the name.

[Ticklish]

I have 2 girls, and when we started telling people our 2nd child was a girl, the vast majority responded with some variation of "guess you'll have to have another to get a boy/your husband must be so disappointed/that's too bad". It really bothered me that I had to justify my younger daughter's existence to people when my husband and I weren't disappointed in the slightest. Even after she was born, I had to fend off "when are you going to have a boy?" questions, which pissed me off because she had unforeseen complications during birth and literally almost didn't live, so to have people act like she was some inconvenience in a quest to have a boy was infuriating when I was (and still am) just so grateful that she's here at all. 

[Hisey]

14 hours ago, OyToTheVey said:

There's a whole region right now along the Russian/ Chinese border that are seeing a great increase in Russian women and Chinese men marriages. The Chinese have traditionally aborted girls because of the one child policy so now there's a shortage of females. And in Russia because of all the wars and high rate of alcoholism, there's a huge void of men. I'm Russian, I've talked to a lot of people about this. So they decided to look for an outcome. There was a whole news thing about these new marriages. Like full villages. It's a biological advantage I guess to a difficult situation after generations of issues.

BTW the babies are so adorable. They're just the cutest thing. 

I have traveled to China twice. There is no vast gender differential. You see as many women as men on the streets. Reporters often report sensationalized stories about gender imbalances, but these stories are based on government population figures. They ignore the fact that many girls in China were simply unregistered in order to evade the one child policy. They’re there, they just aren’t officially there.

Of course there are more men than women. But there isn't the huge, dangerous crisis that the media reports. You can’t believe everything you read. When I was in China with my two girls, they were overwhelmed with love and admiration from strangers everywhere we went. I was frequently told that my toddlers  were geniuses. It was almost too much sometimes. I never got the slightest imoression that they hated or didn't value girls, quite the opposite, actually. 

Edited June 16, 2019 by Hisey

[CarrotCake]

I have grown up mainly around women. My father had 5 sisters, my mother as well (but also 1 brother) and I only have a sister as well, who has a daughter now.

So I kind of would like to have a boy so I can also have the experience of more males in the family. And most of the girls in my family are tomboyish so I would also be a little scared of a girly girl. 

But I would not mind having a girl either, feels like home ?

 

[Melissa1977]

15 hours ago, OyToTheVey said:

And in Russia because of all the wars and high rate of alcoholism, there's a huge void of men

I shouldn't comment because you are Russian, so you are talking about your own country and you know better than me. But I find this statement very strange. Alcoholism affects health, but those who marry are usually young, and young people rarely die for alcoholism, it takes years. So yes, alcoholism can be causing the death of russian men, and in consequence statistics show that there are less men than women. But those statitics should highlight the ages, because the usual age to marry is relatively young. So for example if there is an equal number of men and women at ages 20-30, and a very different number at ages 50-60, there is not a lack of men to marry. Generally speaking! I know 50 years old can marry, of course! Don't take me wrong.

And about wars, what wars? Russia has not been hugely involved in wars since 1945. I understand that Russia has sent soldiers to some wars, so some men have died, but I don't get how it can affect the total male population, especially the young and middle aged people who are marrying now. 

 

 

 

[AussieKrissy]

I had a preference for a girl. I did get a girl.

I knew when finding out that I may have  a fleeting moment of “what if” disappointment if I found out she was a boy.

But I also knew that I would get over it and just know I was blessed with a healthy pregnancy and that I was just meant to be a boy. Funnily enough, though, I had a preference for a girl, I had never been able to picture myself with a girl. It was always a boy. So that also made me feel secure that my ”disappointment” would be fleeting.

I was just so happy to be pregnant and have a baby that even though I did have a preference, it wasn’t high up on the priority. 

I also had one only rock solid boy choice name. James. I was certain I was having a boy because of this  

Girls I had a dozen names. 

[lumpentheologie]

3 hours ago, Melissa1977 said:

I shouldn't comment because you are Russian, so you are talking about your own country and you know better than me. But I find this statement very strange. Alcoholism affects health, but those who marry are usually young, and young people rarely die for alcoholism, it takes years. So yes, alcoholism can be causing the death of russian men, and in consequence statistics show that there are less men than women. But those statitics should highlight the ages, because the usual age to marry is relatively young. So for example if there is an equal number of men and women at ages 20-30, and a very different number at ages 50-60, there is not a lack of men to marry. Generally speaking! I know 50 years old can marry, of course! Don't take me wrong.

And about wars, what wars? Russia has not been hugely involved in wars since 1945. I understand that Russia has sent soldiers to some wars, so some men have died, but I don't get how it can affect the total male population, especially the young and middle aged people who are marrying now. 

I'm not the OP, but I have some experience that speaks to this. Alcoholism can definitely kill you young. And in Russia it often does, especially for men. They drown at very high rates, get in accidents, fall off things, freeze to death, etc.  When I lived there seeing men passed out on the street in the winter, in -20C or worse temps, was not a rare occurrence. That's not to mention the ones that die simply from having too much alcohol in their blood. 

As to wars, it's true that there haven't been major wars for Russia recently, although I would count the war in Afghanistan in the 80s as a significant loss of male life. 

[Pretzel]

Never mind. 

Edited June 16, 2019 by Pretzel

[TheMustardCardigan]

I think a lot of times, people ask questions like “Are you going to keep trying for a boy?” without really thinking that it could be offensive. I chalk it up mostly to people just trying to make conversation and show they’re interested by asking questions. Obviously this doesn’t apply to those of you with an overbearing family member or something who harps on the issue, but I think the one-off comments don’t come from a hurtful place or even a deep place at all.

I have shared this before on here, but when I got engaged I was shocked at how many people asked me “When is the date???” right after I told them my fiancé proposed. I think most people don’t have a wedding date picked out on the day they get engaged (though some do). So I mean, it was a strange question to me. And if anyone who asked me this thought twice about it they’d probably realize “Oh, why would they have a date two seconds after getting engaged?” But I think people were asking just to show interest and show me they were excited and happy for me. I think a lot of other questions that people think are stupid, intrusive, or offensive fall into this category. 

I’m sure when I get married in December I will start getting the “So now the next thing is to have a baby!!!” comments. They’ll probably be annoying but I’m just gonna try and remember they don’t come from a place of malice. 

[SassyPants]

1 hour ago, TheMustardCardigan said:

I think a lot of times, people ask questions like “Are you going to keep trying for a boy?” without really thinking that it could be offensive. I chalk it up mostly to people just trying to make conversation and show they’re interested by asking questions. Obviously this doesn’t apply to those of you with an overbearing family member or something who harps on the issue, but I think the one-off comments don’t come from a hurtful place or even a deep place at all.

I have shared this before on here, but when I got engaged I was shocked at how many people asked me “When is the date???” right after I told them my fiancé proposed. I think most people don’t have a wedding date picked out on the day they get engaged (though some do). So I mean, it was a strange question to me. And if anyone who asked me this thought twice about it they’d probably realize “Oh, why would they have a date two seconds after getting engaged?” But I think people were asking just to show interest and show me they were excited and happy for me. I think a lot of other questions that people think are stupid, intrusive, or offensive fall into this category. 

I’m sure when I get married in December I will start getting the “So now the next thing is to have a baby!!!” comments. They’ll probably be annoying but I’m just gonna try and remember they don’t come from a place of malice. 

Yep. I think many people are keen on being social and cordial,  and try to pick a relevant topic of interest to those they are engaged with. So, for the pregnant, it’s baby talk and for the newly engaged it’s wedding talk. Sometimes it feels like every topic is taboo to someone, and one is better off being a selective mute. And even then,  people get perceived as being antisocial, aloof or a snob. Damned if you talk, damned if you don’t. 

FTR, most people are not malicious, and generally mean well.

[VelociRapture]

2 hours ago, TheMustardCardigan said:

I think a lot of times, people ask questions like “Are you going to keep trying for a boy?” without really thinking that it could be offensive. I chalk it up mostly to people just trying to make conversation and show they’re interested by asking questions. Obviously this doesn’t apply to those of you with an overbearing family member or something who harps on the issue, but I think the one-off comments don’t come from a hurtful place or even a deep place at all.

I have shared this before on here, but when I got engaged I was shocked at how many people asked me “When is the date???” right after I told them my fiancé proposed. I think most people don’t have a wedding date picked out on the day they get engaged (though some do). So I mean, it was a strange question to me. And if anyone who asked me this thought twice about it they’d probably realize “Oh, why would they have a date two seconds after getting engaged?” But I think people were asking just to show interest and show me they were excited and happy for me. I think a lot of other questions that people think are stupid, intrusive, or offensive fall into this category. 

I’m sure when I get married in December I will start getting the “So now the next thing is to have a baby!!!” comments. They’ll probably be annoying but I’m just gonna try and remember they don’t come from a place of malice. 

I got asked about when we’d have kids by two separate people DURING our wedding reception. I didn’t really mind it, but I did think it was an odd thing to ask at the time. I just jokingly told them we were leaving it up to God and while we all had a laugh they did get the point that it probably wasn’t the best time to ask that question. 

When we told our families this baby is a boy last week both our dads responded by saying we’d have someone to continue the family name. I pretty casually pointed out that my daughter was already doing that just fine. They both immediately understood my point and thankfully didn’t argue it, but I won’t lie - those comments did piss me off a little bit. I’m shaking it off and not holding it against either of them because I think they’re both just excited about another grand baby, but I’m hoping I made my point and they don’t say something like that again.

[melon]

I had 3 boys.I come from a family with a lot of boys,especially,on my father's side of the family.

Mr Melon had 3 brothers.His father came from a family of 6 surviving sons.

I had people question me,too,if I would keep trying for a girl,and I had people tell me,like my mother in law,that I would never have a girl.My MIL also told me that girls were harder to raise....I was like..WTF...how would she know since she never had one???

I would have loved to have had a girl,but I didn't,and I wasn't disappointed,I was happy that my sons were healthy,and I loved them just the same.

I have a friend,and she used  to complain about her teenage daughter to me.She said she was an extremely picky eater,and before she had a job,wanted to go out to the mall or other places and spend money.Now,that she does have a job,she complains that her daughter is usually broke.But,to be fair,my sons,especially one of them,my middle son,loves spending money,too....especially other people's money.

 

[Topaz]

My parents have two daughters so they might have assumed that there would be no one carrying on the family name (it’s not an uncommon one so it’s not going to disappear from the face of the earth or anything). But when my sister got married her wife decided to change her surname to ours so if they have kids it will be passed on - so you can’t really make a call based on the sex of a baby any more.