Florida Stories 2: The Adventures of Florida Man (and Woman)

[Howl]

Oklahoma Man to Florida Man: Hold my beer and watch this! 

Man caught driving stolen car filled with radioactive uranium, rattlesnake, whiskey, Guthrie police say

What could possibly go wrong?

[Ozlsn]

On 7/15/2019 at 11:26 PM, Howl said:

Oklahoma Man to Florida Man: Hold my beer and watch this! 

Man caught driving stolen car filled with radioactive uranium, rattlesnake, whiskey, Guthrie police say

What could possibly go wrong?

I still really want to know where the uranium came from. It sounds like a B movie plot!

[47of74]

Because all good Florida stories involve Mickey D's....

Quote

A McDonald’s worker on probation for cocaine possession was arrested last night for dousing a customer with a large soft drink during a dispute at the drive-thru window, according to Florida court records.

Katrina Lee Jordan, 37, was working at the Pinellas Park restaurant when she and the male victim “began having a verbal argument.” The nature of the drive-thru dispute was not detailed in an arrest affidavit.

Cops allege that Jordan, seen at right, “took a large soft drink and threw it in the victim’s window,” striking the man and spilling the cup’s contents “all over his car and his clothing.”

 

Or at a Five Guys

Quote

There were no reports of milkshakes bringing any boys to the yard, but a fracas at a Florida Five Guys did bring cops to the restaurant — and five guys were arrested.

In a brief and rather cryptic Facebook post that started to go viral soon after it was published Wednesday night, the Stuart Police Department said little more than a lunchtime fist fight had broken out at the burgers and fries eatery.

"Three juvenile males and two adult males were charged with affray and processed at the Martin County Jail," the department said.

Under Florida law, affray is a first degree misdemeanor charge resulting from two or more people fighting in a public place, disturbing the peace.

 

[47of74]

A Florida Woman went all Branch Trumpvidian

Quote

After grabbing the buttocks of a fellow female passenger on a sightseeing cruise, a Florida Woman told the victim’s husband, “You should go back to the country you came from” when he confronted her about the groping, police report.

During a trip Friday afternoon on the Anclote River, which flows into the Gulf of Mexico, Lisa Anne Matteson allegedly got handsy with a fellow traveler, according to an arrest affidavit. Matteson, 58, appeared intoxicated, according to several witnesses on the Spongearama cruise boat.

Police allege that Matteson, seen at right, twice grabbed the victim’s buttocks and declared, “Oh, it’s curved and nice” and “I would do you.” Matteson pawed the woman “in front of the victim’s six-year-old daughter,” cops allege.

When the victim’s husband asked Matteson to stop, she replied, “You should go back to the country you came from.” The affidavit does not identify the man’s race or nationality.

 

Police didn't think much of this Florida Woman's early morning performance of the Nutcracker

Quote

A Florida Woman arrested early yesterday for grabbing her husband’s genitals with “such force that the victim crumpled over and had trouble walking” told cops that she was just trying to “arouse” her spouse “in an effort to have sexual intercourse.”

According to cops, Anastacia Tasch, 44, approached her husband while he was asleep around 5:30 AM on the living room couch in the Tampa-area home they share with their two children.

Tasch, a complaint affidavit states, walked over to the victim and, “without provocation or permission,” grabbed his genitals.

When later questioned by police, Tasch acknowledged that she executed the clampdown without the consent of her husband, who apparently called 911 after his genitals were crushed.

 

[Briefly]

1 hour ago, 47of74 said:

Police didn't think much of this Florida Woman's early morning performance of the Nutcracker

 

That sounds like domestic violence to me.  Even if she was hoping to have sex with him, she may have rendered him unable for good.  But I really think it is more than that, or at least that is the feeling I got from reading the article.

[47of74]

F.A.C.E.P.A.L.M.

Quote

In the midst of a weekend-long orgy, a 9mm handgun was stolen from the host's bedroom, according to Florida police who are not confident in catching the thief since guests at the gathering were encouraged to use fake names.

As detailed in a Volusia County Sheriff’s Office report, the 63-year-old victim told deputies that his Glock pistol turned up missing after last month's “open house party” at his residence in Deltona, a city 30 miles north of Orlando.

The retired man told cops that the loaded weapon was in a holster atop a nightstand in his bedroom in the home, which he shares with a male roommate.   

The victim, whose name is redacted from the police report, said that he hosted the orgy at the Deltona residence (seen below) from July 19 to July 21. The man added that the party was “advertised on a gay social media site” and that the “theme of the party was ‘anonymous sex.’”

And the guy told people he invited they could "come and go as they pleased” and to bring friends.

 

[Ozlsn]

5 hours ago, 47of74 said:

And the guy told people he invited they could "come and go as they pleased” and to bring friends.

Yeah I can't see insurance covering that one.

[Snowless]

On 8/8/2019 at 8:52 PM, 47of74 said:

F.A.C.E.P.A.L.M.

And the guy told people he invited they could "come and go as they pleased” and to bring friends.

 

I was just going to post that one!  Even weirder, it happened in my part of Florida: Central Florida.  It is honestly bringing to my mind the orgy scene from Sausage Party.

[47of74]

I was just going to post that one!  Even weirder, it happened in my part of Florida: Central Florida.  It is honestly bringing to my mind the orgy scene from Sausage Party.

Sorry I beat you to it.

My sister and brother in law were living near Orlando up until about a month ago. They moved back to Iowa to be closer to us. It was a nice area to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.

[Snowless]

On 8/12/2019 at 9:34 AM, 47of74 said:

 

Sorry I beat you to it.

My sister and brother in law were living near Orlando up until about a month ago. They moved back to Iowa to be closer to us. It was a nice area to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.

 

I’m used to the weirdness by now.  I was born and raised here and have never lived anywhere else.  We’ve developed a sense of humor about everything wacky that goes on around here.

[47of74]

And because all good Florida stories involve MDMA and Fuck Face

Quote

A 23-year-old Floridian is jailed on a pair of felony narcotics charges for allegedly possessing the opioid fentanyl and “five orange tablets in the shape of Donald Trump’s head marked Trump NL.”

The seized Trump pills appear similar to tablets that have been manufactured in Europe and have prompted “high dose” safety warnings due to their elevated level of MDMA.

Police found the drugs inside an air vent in the Clearwater apartment of Brendan Dolan-King. Cops went to the home “in reference to an overdose” and were given permission by Dolan-King to search the residence, according to an arrest affidavit. A police investigation revealed that Dolan-King “was possibly the person to provide the victim of the overdose with the heroin that he overdosed on.”

Dolan-King was charged Friday with the narcotics raps after lab tests confirmed that a tan powder seized was fentanyl and that the Trump pills contained MDMA. Dolan-King has been in custody since late-June--when the drugs were found--on marijuana possession with intent to sell and probation violation counts.

 

[47of74]

Florida Man to the Men in every other state, Canadian province, etc etc: Hold MY beer!

Quote

A Florida man is under arrest for attempting to perform a castration on another man he met on a eunuch fetish website.

Deputies were called to 74-year-old Gary Van Ryswyk’s home located in Sebring on Sunday, August 18.

When they arrived, Ryswyk told a deputy he had just performed a castration on a man and encountered major issues. Deputies found a victim on a bed, bleeding heavily, with a towel over his groin.

According to a release, Ryswyk told the victim that he had experience on animals and had even removed one of his own testicles in 2012.

 

[47of74]

Florida Woman tried to get cops to take her bet that she would blow at least a .190 BAC

Quote

A woman arrested for drunk driving asked cops if they wanted to place a bet on what she registered on a breathalyzer test, according to court records.

Mary Westerlund, 62, was nabbed late Monday evening near her home in Florida's The Villages retirement community. Cops approached Westerlund’s Acura after receiving a report of a “drunk female being present at the Fire Station.”

After being driven to the county lockup, Westerlund submitted two breath samples--but not before offering a police technician a 25-cent wager. Westerlund, who was convicted of drunk driving in 2015, estimated that she “would blow a .190 BAC.” The legal blood alcohol content level is .08.

The Intoxilyzer operator--who did not accept the two-bit offer--subsequently had Westerlund provide samples that registered her BAC at .229 and then .210.

 

[Howl]

On 8/14/2019 at 10:55 AM, Snowless said:

I’m used to the weirdness by now.  I was born and raised here and have never lived anywhere else.  We’ve developed a sense of humor about everything wacky that goes on around here.

Hope Dorian decides to turn east and head out to sea! Stay safe and keep your powder dry. 

My sources of Florida information: reading Rick Wilson's tweets, Carl Hiaasen's books and this thread, so my ideas about Florida are somewhat skewed. 

 

[GreyhoundFan]

"Florida Man Threatens To ‘Chop’ Friend With Machete After Being Called Out For Not Flushing The Toilet"

Spoiler

Toilet etiquette can be a pretty serious issue for some people, even among friends.

Keith Mounts, 46, was at a friend’s home in Hudson, Florida last week when the homeowner had the audacity to tell him to flush the toilet after using it.

Naturally, Mounts did what any of us would do:

   threaten the homeowner with a machete.

According to a spokesperson for the Sheriff’s Office:

“The suspect didn’t flush and when the victim called him on it, the suspect threatened him with a machete.”

The victim called the police, who soon arrived and found a machete belonging to Mounts in the front yard.

Mounts claimed he was using the blade to defend himself, but police couldn’t determine what he was attempting to defend himself from.

Mounts couldn’t seem to think of anything either.

He would later give investigators a written account of what happened from his perspective:

“S*** happened.”

,,,

Mounts is now locked up in the county jail. His bail is posted at $5,000.

We pity his cellmates with that communal privy…

If you have some issues at home or at school or any communal bathroom facility, this sign is available here.

 

[47of74]

[47of74]

No storms are gonna slow down Florida Man!

Quote

A search of a Chicken McNuggets container yielded baggies of methamphetamine and fentanyl that were nestled alongside the McDonald’s fried delights, according to Florida police who arrested an alleged poultry/narcotics enthusiast on felony charges.

During a 3:15 AM encounter yesterday at an extended stay hotel in Largo, a Tampa suburb, cops searched a backpack in the possession of Eric Little, a 34-year-old whose rap sheet includes convictions for assault, narcotics possession, and violating probation.

Investigators found a used syringe inside the backpack, along with a container of Chicken McNuggets. An examination of the container revealed that it “held McNuggets & approx. 7.5 grams of methamphetamine” and “a bag of fentanyl” weighing 1.3 grams, according to court affidavits.

Little, seen above, was arrested on a pair of felony narcotics possession charges and a misdemeanor possession of drug paraphernalia count. He was freed last night from the county jail after posting $4150 bond.

 

[fraurosena]

Dorian's coming, but Florida man doesn't want to clean out his garage, so...

Florida man parks Smart car in kitchen so it won’t blow away

Quote

It started as a light-hearted challenge between a Florida couple, can a Smart car fit into their kitchen? The answer: Yes it can.

Patrick Eldridge parked his smart car in his kitchen to protect it from Hurricane Dorian because he didn’t want it to “blow away” and to prove that he can park his car there.

Jessica Eldridge said her car was already parked in the garage. To avoid cleaning their garage out, her husband proposed to park it in the house.

“I said there was no way he could. He said he could,” Jessica said. “So he opened the double doors and had it in. I was amazed that it could fit. He had it in with no problems.”

Dorian was skirting Florida’s coast Wednesday, narrowly missing Jacksonville as it heads northward along the Georgia, South Carolina and North Carolina coastlines.

The Category 2 storm has devastated the Bahamas, where rescue crews have only begun taking the full measure of the damage.

With the car in the middle of the kitchen, Jessica Eldridge had to move around it to cook and serve dinner.

“I’m hoping he will pull it out pretty soon once the wind dies down,” she said. “There is room and it’s not in the way but my dogs are confused by it.”

 

[47of74]

A Florida (obviously) woman who shoplifted decided to make her topless getaway on a bike.  Yeah, worked as well as expected.

Quote

According to cops, a woman last night stole $19.99 flip flops and other merchandise from a clothing store on Okaloosa Island. A worker at Surfside Outfitters told investigators that the suspect placed one item into her bag and then walked out of the business wearing the stolen shoes around 7 PM.

The employee, cops reported, said the shoplifter “was last seen riding away, through the parking lot, on a bicycle.”

After the shoplifting episode, several callers to 911 reported that a woman was riding her bicycle erratically down the middle of Highway 98, a two-lane road that runs through the island.

When a sheriff’s deputy pulled alongside the bicycle, the rider was not wearing a shirt. When the cop asked the woman to pull over, she replied, “Make me.”

 

[47of74]

Florida Man Robert Digiacomo was picked up at a Tampa area Sam's Club on an outstanding warrant

Quote

Digiacomo was originally charged in May after multiple women reported that he exposed himself and masturbated while in his vehicle outside various businesses. When Digiacomo failed to appear for a June court hearing, a judge issued an arrest warrant for him.

In announcing Digiacomo’s bust, the Pasco County Sheriff’s Office noted that when the defendant was asked about the alleged incidents, “he would only advise, ‘I am just an asshole. What can I say?’”

Ok, Florida Man.

[Howl]

In wild encounter, woman bites testicles of Tiger Truck Stop camel to escape, officials say

Note that while this happened in (I'm not making this up) Grosse Tete, Louisiana, the truck driver, his wife and their dog are from Florida. 

Here's a snip, and although the article has more details about what happened, this is really all you need to know. The camel's name is Caspar and he's adorable. 

Quote

 

GROSSE TETE — A Florida woman freed herself from a camel by biting its testicles at the Tiger Truck Stop in Grosse Tete last week after she crawled into the animal's pen to retrieve her dog and the camel sat on her, authorities said.

 

 

[47of74]

And of course only Florida Woman would have a felony purse

Quote

During a traffic stop early Sunday, Jacqueline Hubbard did not hesitate to answer when a Florida cop asked if she “had any drugs on her person.”

The 59-year-old Hubbard, who was in the front passenger seat not wearing a seat belt, reportedly told a patrolman that she was in possession of crack cocaine that was stored in what she called her “felony purse.”

The purse, which was around Hubbard’s neck, contained two crack rocks, a small baggie of cocaine, and two glass crack pipes, according to arrest affidavits.

The contents of the "felony purse" resulted in Hubbard’s bust on two criminal charges: possession of drug paraphernalia, a misdemeanor, and possession of a controlled substance, a felony.

 

[47of74]

Florida Man and Florida Woman in Action

Quote

A Florida homeowner found two strangers having sex in her yard Monday afternoon, according to cops who arrested the pair on trespass and indecent exposure charges.

Officers responding to a 911 call confronted the couple around 5 PM as they were lying down in the yard. The suspects, Stephen James Dean, 36, and Teresa Ann Behan, 49, both smelled of alcohol and appeared intoxicated, police reported.

Asked what they were doing at the Margaret Street residence, Behan claimed that “James,” her “music promoter,” lived there. But Dean was more forthcoming, and “spontaneously uttered” that they were having sex in the yard, cops reported.

Pictured above, Dean and Behan were arrested for indecent exposure and trespassing, both misdemeanors. Behan was also charged with a pair of felonies after she allegedly kicked and punched a patrolman. Dean was also hit with a felony for allegedly threatening to kill two Key West cops.

 

[mango_fandango]

People are so weird sometimes. Felony purse? Sex in a stranger’s yard? BITING CAMEL TESTICLES???

Dear me...

[47of74]

Another Friday night in Florida

Quote

Meet Heather Mayeux.

The 43-year-old was arrested last night for domestic battery after allegedly stubbing out a cigarette on her boyfriend’s forehead during an argument in their Florida residence.

Cops allege that Mayeux got into a “verbal altercation” with the 46-year-old victim upon his return home from work. After pushing the man several times, Mayeux “took her lit cigarette and extinguished it on the victim’s forehead,” according to an arrest affidavit.

After being read her rights, Mayeux reportedly copped to using her beau as an ashtray. “Mayeux admitted to being frustrated” and said she “may have put the cigarette out on the victim’s forehead,” police noted.