Bro Gary Hawkins 10: Nouvelle Cuisine

[Coy Koi]

On 4/10/2019 at 12:48 PM, MayMay1123 said:

i swear, every post gets more and more nonsensical....wtf are you trying to say, bro?

Oh, dear hell-bound friends, I was wondering why most of you even bother to go to church. If you're going to hear the latest gossip, that's not the right reason. If you're going to see what the preacher's wife is wearing, that's not the right reason (ed note: lol, who is going to a Bro Gary church to see that, other than for snark value?). If you are just going to prevent church people such as myself from calling you at home to harass you about where the hell you and your money are, that's not right either, because you should show up and pay it in person. But still pay it either way, whatever.

You're all going to hell regardless for still not giving me the money for a decent RV,

Bro Gary

[thoughtful]

3 hours ago, Coy Koi said:

If you are just going to prevent church people such as myself from calling you at home to harass you about where the hell you and your money are, that's not right either, because you should show up and pay it in person

Aha! "do the preachers" should be "so the preachers!" Thank you!

I still hadn't figured that one out, thinking it had something to do with an altar call. I forgot about the practice of calling people to find out why they weren't in church.

Oh, and Gary -- question marks are usually used at the end of, you know . . . questions. If used where you should be using periods or exclamation points, they make it seem as if you doubt your convictions, and we all know you never doubt.

[Coy Koi]

1 minute ago, thoughtful said:

Aha! "do the preachers" should be "so the preachers!" Thank you!

I still hadn't figured that one out, thinking it had something to do with an altar call. I forgot about the practice of calling people to find out why they weren't in church.

Oh, and Gary -- question marks are usually used at the end of, you know . . . questions. If used where you should be using periods or exclamation points, they make it seem as if you doubt your convictions, and we all know you never doubt.

Dear friend, you are way overestimating our friend Gary's grasp of the English language. Like you know that Duolingo owl? I try to keep on my Spanish but when I slack on it, that owl is on me. Don't sic him on Bro Gary. In ANY language, including English, because owls can fuck you up.

[thoughtful]

19 minutes ago, Coy Koi said:

Like you know that Duolingo owl?

I didn't, but I googled.

I think I'd like to see the Duolingo owl get on Gary's case (his case, his spelling, his punctuation, his coherence, etc.).

For Gary, would he be the SingleLingo Owl, or perhaps the LearnYourOwnFuckingLingoFirstBro Owl?

 

[Coy Koi]

43 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

I didn't, but I googled.

I think I'd like to see the Duolingo owl get on Gary's case (his case, his spelling, his punctuation, his coherence, etc.).

For Gary, would he be the SingleLingo Owl, or perhaps the LearnYourOwnFuckingLingoFirstBro Owl?

 

Maybe a LearnYourOwnFuckingLingoFirst Pigeon, for him? Pigeons are fucking stupid, or at least I just hate those little bastards, because they infest my balcony, never shut up, make a huge mess, contribute nothing, and refuse to leave.

ETA: This has been an issue since BEFORE I moved in here over a decade ago, and they continue to promise they'll do something about it. They never do (little half-ass things every few years that don't help) but anyway, I would never consider anything that is cruel such as poison or spikes. I just want these fuckers to relocate, not die or suffer. But you should SEE my balcony, it's covered in a couple inches of bird feces. I've never been able to use it.

Edited April 12, 2019 by Coy Koi

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

OK Folks, it’s official, the Bro is losing it.

Spoiler

 

[Lisafer]

32 minutes ago, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

OK Folks, it’s official, the Bro is losing it.

  Hide contents

 

Oh, Bro Gary. You never cease to amuse.

[wallysmommy]

My eyes hurt trying to read that mumble jumble.  I hope your boys do know they're going to church -- that's where the money for their meals comes from.

[CTRLZero]

The KFC bucket must have been a little light on cash lately and he's starting to panic.   Bro Gary, if you want your children to have better, and maybe even enable them to be self-supporting, throw a little education their way in between your godly sermons. 

[MarblesMom]

12 hours ago, Coy Koi said:

Like you know that Duolingo owl?

It would have to be a WeinerOwl for him to take pause.

[thoughtful]

 

Tonight when I tried to read that stuff
That Brother Gary wrote
I didn't understand his words
There were holes, it seems.
 Now I’ll try to logically fill the gaps
Can I find some sense?
It's late, I'm tired, his words just garble in front of me
You’ve got a problem Gary (you got a problem)
’Cause you leave out words (you leave out words)
You thought you made some sense,
It's nonsense, it’s nonsense, it’s nonsense!

Missing words, missing words it's just
Missing words, missing words it's just
Missing words, missing words it's just
Missing words, missing words it's just
Missing words.

 

It just don't make sense the way you put
The things you wrote
You might have thought that it was deep,
But it’s all fucked up.
Game's up, move on, why don't you, get out, get a job,
I wonder if you realize you’re quite a slob.
You got a problem Gary (you got a problem)
‘Cause you leave out words (leave out words)
You thought you made some sense,
It's nonsense, it’s nonsense, it’s  nonsense!
 

Missing words, missing words it's just
Missing words, missing words it's just
Missing words, missing words it's just
Missing words, missing words it's just
Missing words.

 

 

Edited April 13, 2019 by thoughtful
riffle (oh, the irony!)

[Alisamer]

Hmm. My guess on that is that one of the kids they don’t have custody of is doing soccer or something where they happened to have a game last Sunday, so the kid had to miss either the morning or evening service, and Ghaw is being bitchy about it. This lead into a preacher rant, where he left out tons of words, probably because he kept shouting “amen” and “good preachin’!” At himself causing him to lose his already mostly-derailed train of thought. 

He should get a job, but I can’t imagine what his resume would look like. I wonder if he’d manage to spell his own name correctly on it?

[Black Aliss]

On 4/10/2019 at 12:23 PM, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

I have never gone to Church to do a preacher.  Nope, not ever.

  Hide contents

 

True confession time: I have not actually done a preacher in church but I have done more than one preacher/priest.

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

2 minutes ago, Black Aliss said:

True confession time: I have not actually done a preacher in church but I have done more than one preacher/priest.

I am clutching my pearls!    

[smittykins]

I have heard that some ultraconservative Christian churches discourage organized sports because you might have a practice or game on Sunday or Wednesday night, and that following a professional or college team is idolatry.

[MayMay1123]

23 hours ago, Coy Koi said:

Maybe a LearnYourOwnFuckingLingoFirst Pigeon, for him? Pigeons are fucking stupid, or at least I just hate those little bastards, because they infest my balcony, never shut up, make a huge mess, contribute nothing, and refuse to leave.

ETA: This has been an issue since BEFORE I moved in here over a decade ago, and they continue to promise they'll do something about it. They never do (little half-ass things every few years that don't help) but anyway, I would never consider anything that is cruel such as poison or spikes. I just want these fuckers to relocate, not die or suffer. But you should SEE my balcony, it's covered in a couple inches of bird feces. I've never been able to use it.

philadelphia introduced a couple of hawks to the area a few years back. there are now lots of hawks, almost no pigeons, and almost no rats. now they are going after squirrels (one of the most awful things i've ever heard and saw was a hawk with a live squirrel, right outside my granddaughter's school just as the children were getting out) and small dogs.

is there anyway to maybe screen in your balcony?  or line up a bunch of plastic owls? i've heard that helps.

maymay, also not a fan of pigeons

[Four is Enough]

11 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

True confession time: I have not actually done a preacher in church but I have done more than one preacher/priest.

It was long ago and far away, but a friend of mine got pregnant in the church choir loft. (no preacher involved though)

[MayMay1123]

Under a spoiler because it's a true story and if it actually was read by anyone involved, well... it could be embarrassing. 

Spoiler

a few years back my pastor discovered the church band's married drummer having sex with one of the teen aged (i think she was just turned 18) back up singers, in the church, after practice one night. He and the girl were asked to leave the band and she was fired from the preschool. His wife eventually forgave him. They all left the church voluntarily. Last I heard she finally left him after he cheated again. 

 

[Lillymuffin]

21 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

True confession time: I have not actually done a preacher in church but I have done more than one preacher/priest.

 

9 hours ago, Four is Enough said:

It was long ago and far away, but a friend of mine got pregnant in the church choir loft. (no preacher involved though)

If we’re playing “never have I ever,” I’ve never done a preacher, but I’ve done it in a church parking lot. Not my own church, though. 

[Black Aliss]

4 hours ago, MayMay1123 said:

Under a spoiler because it's a true story and if it actually was read by anyone involved, well... it could be embarrassing. 

  Reveal hidden contents

a few years back my pastor discovered the church band's married drummer having sex with one of the teen aged (i think she was just turned 18) back up singers, in the church, after practice one night. He and the girl were asked to leave the band and she was fired from the preschool. His wife eventually forgave him. They all left the church voluntarily. Last I heard she finally left him after he cheated again. 

 

Not gonna' put mine under spoilers because I don't GAF. People in my fundie church looked down on the pastor's daughter who was "a wild one". I met her one time in an after-hours joint in a city about 100 miles away. She was clearly supporting herself by turning tricks and she told me and the people I was with that "Everyone in [that church] looks down on me for taking money for the same thing I had to give my father for free since I was 12."

Meanwhile, at the same church the organist was getting it on with the youth pastor, who was married. Eventually she got pregnant, his wife divorced him, he married the organist, and I assume they all lived happily ever after.

There's more, but that's enough for now.

[Seahorse Wrangler]

During the reception of a co-worker's wedding I was invited to, our line-manager's married sister was caught having sex with another co-worker on a tomb in the church-yard next door to the reception hall.

 

Copious amounts of alcoholic drink was involved.

[Four is Enough]

16 hours ago, Lillymuffin said:

 

If we’re playing “never have I ever,” I’ve never done a preacher, but I’ve done it in a church parking lot. Not my own church, though. 

Does two Catholics losing their virginity in the parking lot of a Seventh Day Adventist camp count here? We then progressed to the parking lot (dark, wooded) up behind the church attached to my high school.

[wallysmommy]

Does doing someone who is now the pastor of a megachurch count?

[smittykins]

My mom claims I was conceived in a cemetery(in the car)...

[EyesOpen]

Hmmm... never did the deed with a pastor unless someone in my past is going down a strange and interesting road I don’t know about. Probably strangest places have been an abandoned house in Chicago, a cemetery or a sailboat... or our friends apartment in Europe they let us borrow but the weird neighbor watched us the whole time. He had a curtain but our window didn’t! Decided to put on a show. Ya only live once!