Bro Gary Hawkins 10: Nouvelle Cuisine

[Antipatriarch]

17 hours ago, wallysmommy said:

All those people getting saved -- I grew up Church of God and we had regular revivals.  The same people got saved every revival.  They also got saved every Sunday.

Yeah; at the Southern Baptist church when I was a kid, the altar call (revival or regular)* would be for anyone who wants to be saved, or to "rededicate their life to the Lord". So even if you weren't saving new souls, you had some notches you could put on the belt. Counting people more than once is a way to inflate your numbers rejoice in your Kingdom impact.

And like at your church, even as a kid I noticed the same people would come forward to "rededicate" on a regular basis. Very sad, in retrospect; the guilt weighs so heavily on some people that they never feel they're good enough, and need constant reassurance that they're saved.

* Anyone else who doesn't miss singing 6 verses of "Just As I Am" and then having the pastor say, "I just feel the Spirit prompting me to linger a few more minutes; there's someone here who needs the Lord, who needs to come forward..." and then singing 4 more?

17 hours ago, wallysmommy said:

I would love to see him in person and tell him I'm a prophetess and God says he should minister while digging some ditches or washing dishes in a restaurant.

Ha! ? Well,  the Bible says all prophecy has to be tested, right? I'm sure he would think of a way to invalidate it so he can stick with his "calling".

[smittykins]

From Stuff Fundies Like:

 

[grandmadugger]

I know a IFB church in Kansas looking for a pastor. Should I give them Ghaw’s name? 

[FullOfGravy]

8 hours ago, grandmadugger said:

I know a IFB church in Kansas looking for a pastor. Should I give them Ghaw’s name? 

How much do you hate them?

[wallysmommy]

GHaw would refuse.  He would have to take a salary and not be able to dodge the IRS on how much he actually gets in love offerings.

[grandmadugger]

14 hours ago, FullOfGravy said:

How much do you hate them?

A few of them I really like others not so much. 

7 hours ago, wallysmommy said:

GHaw would refuse.  He would have to take a salary and not be able to dodge the IRS on how much he actually gets in love offerings.

I hadn’t thought about that. Plus he would have to work. 

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

OK Folks what is the good Bro trying to say?  Is he golfing and trying to putt out of the ditch.  Is he saying don’t pull people out of the ditch cause they will drag you in?  That would be rich, he’s probably had a lot of roadside help with all those broke down vehicles.  Is he trying to say really bad sinners can’t be saved and they will corrupt you?  Really Bro, you only preach to the choir?  Or maybe only witness to peeps far away from ditches?  Maybe he’s putting the rabble out in the ditch? All of the above?

Spoiler

 

[FullOfGravy]

I remember a girl in high school with fundie-ish tendencies doing a thing where one person stood on a table and tried to pull someone up, while the one on the floor was trying to pull the person off the table, and because gravity is a thing, the person on the table always ended up being pulled down.  The moral was supposed to be that it's easier for a Christian to be corrupted by a non-Christian friend, than for a non-Christian to be saved by a Christian friend's example.  She aimed it specifically at couples, and didn't think the Christian kids should date non-Christians.  I suspect it was aimed at one high school couple in particular, because there was some cattiness there.

I think Bro Gary is trying to make the same point, only he's using ditches and is less articulate than a teenager.

I would also like to say that if he doesn't think really bad sinners can be saved, what does he think about people who commit sexual offences against children?  'Cause that seems like a pretty bad sin to me.

[thoughtful]

[PumaLover]

OK Folks, I'm on vacation in Oregon and haven't been able to recap any of Bro's videos yet. I'm staying with family and kind of don't want to explain all of this to them... maybe if I find some headphones later I can. LOL

For now I present this. I don't know what he's trying to say, as usual.

[pamplemousse]

1 hour ago, PumaLover said:

OK Folks, I'm on vacation in Oregon and haven't been able to recap any of Bro's videos yet. I'm staying with family and kind of don't want to explain all of this to them... maybe if I find some headphones later I can. LOL

For now I present this. I don't know what he's trying to say, as usual.

I think what he is trying to say (after trying to translate misspellings and Weenese) is: "Someone said tonight that God won't make you do anything. That is true. But one day, whatever it is you chose of your own free will to do (having extramarital sex, drinking, working on Sunday to pay your bills instead of being in church, reading a non-KJV Bible instead of a KJV one), you will wish you hadn't done it."

Clear as mud?

[EyesOpen]

Is he drunk? I’ve sent drunk texts that look kinda like these and me and my bestie laugh about them later... just wondering!

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

Bro Gary drunk!! hahaha. I will bet he would be louder and meaner and end up in jail.  I will buy him those drinks.  He would just be the worst drunk ever.   ?

[pamplemousse]

2 hours ago, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

Bro Gary drunk!! hahaha. I will bet he would be louder and meaner and end up in jail.  I will buy him those drinks.  He would just be the worst drunk ever.   ?

Hah! What kinds of drinks do you think he'd like? I vote for something manly. I'm thinking scotch on the rocks (not a good brand, though, no use wasting top-shelf liquor on him), a pitcher of Budweiser, or something like that. No wine or fruity tropical drinks or anything that could be construed to be a feminine drink for him!

[Dandruff]

4 hours ago, pamplemousse said:

Clear as mud?

I think mud is clearer.  I'd listen to mud before I listened to him.

1 hour ago, pamplemousse said:

Hah! What kinds of drinks do you think he'd like? I vote for something manly.

Probably anything with a sprig of ween.

[mango_fandango]

Bro Gary is LIVE right now folks!! 

[Lillymuffin]

4 hours ago, EyesOpen said:

Is he drunk? 

Only on Jeee-zus. Hallelooyer!! Haymayen!!

[thoughtful]

5 hours ago, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

Bro Gary drunk!! hahaha. I will bet he would be louder and meaner and end up in jail.  I will buy him those drinks.  He would just be the worst drunk ever.   ?

I've watched too many Twilight Zone episodes. I can't help imagining a scenario in which liquor would turn him miraculously lucid, calm, intelligent, logical and into the kind of Christian who would help the person in the ditch!

 

[Alisamer]

3 hours ago, pamplemousse said:

Hah! What kinds of drinks do you think he'd like? I vote for something manly. I'm thinking scotch on the rocks (not a good brand, though, no use wasting top-shelf liquor on him), a pitcher of Budweiser, or something like that. No wine or fruity tropical drinks or anything that could be construed to be a feminine drink for him!

He seems like the type to drink whatever's cheap in a can at the convenience store, or some 'shine his buddy made up in the woods. I bet he's one of those drunks that alternates between weepy and violently angry. Like his sermons. 

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, Dandruff said:

Probably anything with a sprig of ween.

Proof you can find almost anything on the internet:

Spoiler

Spoiler

Spoiler

 

 

[PumaLover]

OK folks, I'll do my best to try and recap the most recent live video. (My KJV-reading MIL is in the next room so I'm keeping the volume down!)

We start off with someone filming in the back of the tent and Bro walks by a couple times. He laughs about something I couldn't quite hear. There's some lively music. (Holy shit this thing is almost two hours long.) OK I think the instrument being played is an accordion? There's some live singing now. I fast forwarded.

A family (?) walks up on stage and starts singing. FF through that too. I took a screen shot of where I'm assuming Becs is sitting and there are poles right in the way of the stage. It's not a great angle to be filming from. There's a prayer for Bro to be a mouthpiece to God tonight. (When I hear that I always think of Warren Jeffs and his BS and it makes me cringe.)

Oh it's not Bro preaching. It's literally another dude who looks EXACTLY like him from far away! OMG he does the same scream-preaching that Bro does. I'm taking screen shots. There is a large banner hanging in front that says REPENT SINNER. 

Now there's some other preacher talking. I keep fast forwarding. They all sound like Bro.

LOL ok I guess Bro isn't preaching. He's literally just taking a video of this tent revival. I fast forwarded through most of it but I'm gonna guess the message is: don't make boys dress like girls, JESUS, give money and weens, VOTE TRUMP, give money, pray for us, TRUMP. JESUS. Give money.

The end.

 

 

[mango_fandango]

Eww look at the sweat patch on that dude’s polo shirt. I think that’s the same dude who’s sat in that same position in a bunch of the live videos. He’s wearing suspenders in nearly all the videos.

Side note: in British English, “suspenders” are underwear, what Americans typically call a garter belt. 

[thoughtful]

12 hours ago, mango_fandango said:

Eww look at the sweat patch on that dude’s polo shirt

As someone who hates heat, I would ordinarily be sympathetic to him. But, in this case, I think he deserves his discomfort.

These people are so deluded about "the good old days" that they completely ignore the fact that tent revivals come from the days before air conditioning, when it was more oppressively hot inside the church. Even after the advent of AC, some would be held outdoors because a revival might attract too many people to fit in a small church.

Hey, fundies! You have air conditioning, and you don't have a big crowd. Go the fuck indoors and have your revival in the AC.

[wallysmommy]

There aren't even enough people there to give an offering to pay the electric bill on that tent revival.

[Ozlsn]

On 7/11/2019 at 7:27 AM, pamplemousse said:

Hah! What kinds of drinks do you think he'd like

Really cheap Jim or Jack or Bundy knockoff with coke. 

 

On 7/11/2019 at 10:54 AM, Alisamer said:

He seems like the type to drink whatever's cheap in a can at the convenience store, or some 'shine his buddy made up in the woods. I bet he's one of those drunks that alternates between weepy and violently angry. Like his sermons. 

Agreed on both counts. I sincerely hope liquor of any description is one of those things he's given up for Jesus - firstly they can't afford it, and secondly his family have enough to deal with when he's sober.