Bro Gary Hawkins 10: Nouvelle Cuisine

[PumaLover]

I feel like Bro probably used to drink (I swear I read somewhere on here that he was a smoker too and gave that up). I'm assuming he's one of those who uses those facts to look down on other Christians or regular people who drink or smoke.

Speaking of revivals, I spent the week with my husband's family and his mom is a new-ish Christian. She won't allow her daughter and boyfriend to visit because they aren't married (this coming from the person who moved around from guy to guy with all her kids in tow). I thought that was kind of funny but held my tongue. She's a KJB believer because she said it's the most accurate version. Ok. I have to kind of watch what I say around her. Anyway, she's really excited about this big church revival next year in her state. They actually camp out in tents and stuff so I told her that sounds fun. I'm glad she has something to look forward to.

We are on the most boring drive in California so I've been perusing FJ to pass the time. My headship doesn't like how I drive so I didn't offer, haha. Anyway, I had a Bro Gary dream last night! I dreamed that we were at a school, at some sort of meeting, and Bro got up to talk and my husband yelled something to him that could have outed me. And Bro got all mad and started saying that we were the kind of people who harassed him online and sent him all kinds of porn links. And I said I would never send him stuff like that, that I'm not into that. (I conveniently didn't mention that I do in fact recap his sermons so others can see his true colors).

Then I helped Becky make a whale cake for a party, which is funny because I don't bake. I remembered feeling bad for her as I was hanging out with her, and then Bro came in so I left. I barely drank last night and I don't do drugs.

I just spend too much time reading about fundies. [emoji23][emoji2356]

[Beermeet]

There is a family I know, sorta, mostly I lurk on her FB. She's southern Baptist.  It makes me sad, confused and kind of angry how much satan is brought into the equation of everyday life woes. Like, I'm a heathen and yet I get " tested" by life and I also overcome and have faith that things will generally work out. Live long enough and you will see the patterns of up and down. But, I don't need saving and the idea of a literal devil/satan out to get us seems completely nuts to me.  Thing is, without that talk, we are so similar.  So, so similar.  It's life!  I can get having faith in a higher power and I actually do. I believe in karma as well.  The devil? Nah, bro.  The Ween is a hot mess of his own doing. Is it just easier to blame satan and praise oneself in the name of Jesus/God than just facing life as it comes at you?  Is it just something to say or blame it on? A distraction maybe?  The person I'm talking about went into some detail about how heaven works, things she HAD to teach her children about. No one knows this. No one. Not. A. One. I don't get it. 

 

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

The devil made me do it!

Spoiler

 

[Starrynight]

On 7/10/2019 at 5:27 PM, pamplemousse said:

Hah! What kinds of drinks do you think he'd like? I vote for something manly. I'm thinking scotch on the rocks (not a good brand, though, no use wasting top-shelf liquor on him), a pitcher of Budweiser, or something like that. No wine or fruity tropical drinks or anything that could be construed to be a feminine drink for him!

I think Bro. Gary would drink anything given to him and then conveniently “have forgotten his wallet” when it was his turn to buy the next round. ??

[Lillymuffin]

On 7/10/2019 at 5:27 PM, pamplemousse said:

Hah! What kinds of drinks do you think he'd like? I vote for something manly. I'm thinking scotch on the rocks (not a good brand, though, no use wasting top-shelf liquor on him), a pitcher of Budweiser, or something like that. No wine or fruity tropical drinks or anything that could be construed to be a feminine drink for him!

Natty Boh (National Bohemian, I think? Infamous PA brand. Not sure if it’s nationwide, but it tastes like horse pee. Its selling point is that it’s cheap.) or another of the Natty family of beers, or any of the plastic-bottled spirits from the bottom shelf of the liquor store. Maybe some Vladimir vodka? Ooh—maybe Boone’s farm!! 

[thoughtful]

Spoiler

Don't get too excited, Gary -- it's from an article entitled Flavored Vodkas That Don't Exist But Should.

https://www.foodiggity.com/7-flavored-vodkas-that-dont-exist-but-should/

[Lillymuffin]

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

  Hide contents

Don't get too excited, Gary -- it's from an article entitled Flavored Vodkas That Don't Exist But Should.

https://www.foodiggity.com/7-flavored-vodkas-that-dont-exist-but-should/

I’m not sure whether to laugh or gag. 

ETA: I just read the article. I have to hang my head. I think I’d actually try circus peanut-flavored vodka. 

Edited July 16, 2019 by Lillymuffin
To add my shame

[Dandruff]

Does Budweiser still make their concoction of beer with clamato?  I could see Bro Gary appreciating it.

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

I do believe Bro GHaw is attempting to wax philosophical and tell a joke at the same time.

Spoiler

 

[3splenty]

13 minutes ago, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

I do believe Bro GHaw is attempting to wax philosophical and tell a joke at the same time.

  Hide contents

 

I think there might actually be a song with those lyrics

[Antipatriarch]

4 minutes ago, 3splenty said:

I think there might actually be a song with those lyrics

There is, and of course GHaw butchered the joke (just his style). Funny if you're middle schoolers in camp... adults might give it a wry grin:

Quote

I don't wanna be a Pharisee / I don't wanna be a Pharisee / 'Cause their thing is heresy / I don't wanna be a Pharisee

I don't wanna be a Saducee / I don't wanna be a Saducee / 'Cause they are so sad, y'see / I don't wanna be a Saducee

I don't wanna be a Goat. Nope. / I don't wanna be a Goat. Nope. / 'Cause the goat ain't got no hope! Nope! / I don't wanna be a Goat. Nope.

I just wanna be a Sheep. Ba-a-ah! / I just wanna be a Sheep. Ba-a-ah! / 'Cause the sheep he will keep! Yea-a-ah! / I just wanna be a Sheep. Ba-a-ah!

Oh and also GHaw? It's THEY'RE. T-H-E-Y-'-R-E.

[wallysmommy]

Yes, they still make Clamato.  I saw it recently at a grocery store.  Give me a bottle of Hoegarden, Stella Artois, or Peroni.  My bff and I like Hoegarden primarily because we just call it 'ho.  We have juvenile senses of humor.

[PumaLover]

Clamato is a big thing here in Cali. We have a large Hispanic population. Cheladas are also big. At the job I quit last year, I did grocery ads for Hispanic grocery stores so I'm pretty familiar with all of that. (I made fajitas for dinner tonight!)

I had never heard of Bro's joke but I still automatically knew he spelled "their" wrong. That is really one of my biggest pet peeves, right along with your and you're. (18 pages-front and back!!!!!) 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRqnc07hbR8

 

[mango_fandango]

The best part about that status is the “bah bah bah” bit at the end. WE KNOW WHAT A SHEEP SOUNDS LIKE. 

You can’t make this stuff up.

[wallysmommy]

There is no way he can have any credentials for a credible religious organization.  When my dad went for his Assembly of God licensure, he had to take a written test, and an oral test, along with an interview.  Bro wouldn't get past part 1.  You had to know the tenets of the church which would be deeper than KJV only.  That would be his answer to every test question.

ETA:  I think Bro and JRod should start their own sect of IFB.  Ignorant Fleecing Baptists

Edited July 17, 2019 by wallysmommy

[Dandruff]

16 minutes ago, wallysmommy said:

ETA:  I think Bro and JRod should start their own sect of IFB.  Ignorant Fleecing Baptists

I'd love to see the two of them try to work together.

[Black Aliss]

On 7/10/2019 at 2:27 PM, pamplemousse said:

Hah! What kinds of drinks do you think he'd like? I vote for something manly. I'm thinking scotch on the rocks (not a good brand, though, no use wasting top-shelf liquor on him), a pitcher of Budweiser, or something like that. No wine or fruity tropical drinks or anything that could be construed to be a feminine drink for him!

Bloody Mary, garnished with a pink ween.

[TheWayTheWorldWorks]

Happy National Hot Dog Day my ween watchin' friends!!1!1!1!!!

[Four is Enough]

Natty Bo's customers reside, according to La Google, in Baltimore, at 90% of its consumption.

I will agree that NB tastes like horse piss. Give me a nice dark ale, please..

You may be thinking of Yuengling, which is another beer that is made in PA.

Natty Boh logo:

[Blessings of the Corn]

22 hours ago, 3splenty said:

I think there might actually be a song with those lyrics

Yes, this is a song - I learned it as a child.

[Briefly]

3 hours ago, TheWayTheWorldWorks said:

Happy National Hot Dog Day my ween watchin' friends!!1!1!1!!!

Maybe it's because the wine I'm drinking on an empty stomach is beginning to go to my head, but I have this mental image of Bro Gary running as fast as he can to the nearest Sonic for $1.00 hot dogs!

[PumaLover]

Oh holy Rufus. I have a hard time understanding the words because of the background noise. They are thankful to have them. The pastor introduces them and stumbles over names and the church members giggle. Brother Jerry is an usher coming up to the front to pass around the bag and if nothing's put in it, he'll pass it back around again.

At first I thought he said it was Bro Gary who'll pass it around and if nothing's put in, he'll send it back out. Sis Puma will try and recap tomorrow. 

[Starrynight]

16 hours ago, wallysmommy said:

There is no way he can have any credentials for a credible religious organization.  When my dad went for his Assembly of God licensure, he had to take a written test, and an oral test, along with an interview.  Bro wouldn't get past part 1.  You had to know the tenets of the church which would be deeper than KJV only.  That would be his answer to every test question.

ETA:  I think Bro and JRod should start their own sect of IFB.  Ignorant Fleecing Baptists

@wallysmommy.  I read your post too fast and initially read it as

IFB.  Ignorant Fleecing Bastards ??

 

 

[thoughtful]

12 hours ago, Starrynight said:

IFB.  Ignorant Fleecing Bastards

Seems accurate.

[PumaLover]

OK folks, I got on Facebook about 20 minutes ago to recap this video, and then got distracted by a picture of a baby sea turtle, and then my friends at Comic Con, and then cats being funny. I finally realized what I was on Facebook for.

To recap this absolutely riveting video from Martinsburg, WV! The pastor talks about Bro Gary and his big ol head. He likes to have the church have different preachers and then he looked on the website and saw Gary’s big ol head and said, I hope I don’t regret this. (Baptists have the weirdest fucking sense of humor-if you haven’t experienced it, message me cuz I can tell stories.) Then the son got out of the truck and he had a big ol head, and he thinks the wife left hers in the truck. (WTAF??) 

Everyone laughs. It’s Gary Hawkins and Caleb and……. Jacob. They all cackle. They’re glad to have them. Back to the usher Brother Jerry who will pass the offering around if you don’t give. (I just realized I can’t do the facepalm emoji when I’m typing on the desktop). Bro is an evangelist from North Carolina, they travel around, that’s what they do. (Well it’s not like they work).

Bro says aymayn it’s good to be in church. They start singing and Puma fast forwards. It’s even worse than usual OMR. (I keep fast forwarding and it’s not far enough.)

Oh haymayn it’s done. Oh holy Rufus it’s not. I’m fast forwarding a whole lot more. I hear Becky unwrapping candy so I think Bro is ready to preach.

Why don’t they go to other countries? Because America is one of the needed countries they need to talk to. There’s over 500 towns that don’t have bible believing churches. the Bible Belt ain’t what it used to be. He thanks God there’s still a couple good churches on the side of the road. The Catholics and Methodists are wrong. 

***** He’s so King James that the other things get scared when they’re around him. He can use the NIV as toilet paper. ****

He used to have some things in the closet but God washed them away. (Becky says Haymayn.) He doesn’t go around tryin to hide stuff. Your sins will find you out. He’s King James to the core. He has prayer cards but they’re wrong. He will give you his pastor’s number. He’s from a local church. He’s got a thousand of them. He doesn’t go around tryin to hide stuff. 

They got in his truck Sunday night at 9:00 and had to drive to New York and he only had two days to do what he had to do. Evangelists are always on vacation, they sleep til the crack of noon. Everyone laughs. You’re tired, you’re worn out, you wish preachers would stop calling you but 6 people get saved. Becky literally says Haymayun. 

They were having breakfast at a godly place and a guy came up and asked where he goes to church, and he says Germantown NC. The guy asks if he ever wants to come off the road and Bro says yes until 6 people want to get saved. He’s ready for 6 more. (Are the people he preaches to seriously unbelievers who are not saved?? I find that hard to believe.)

Reading from Matthew. I think he said John the Baptist’s wife had locusts and honey for him for dinner and Bro made mention that he’s glad she’s not his wife. Talking about baptism and the Sadducees. He’s rambling on more. 

He says they’ll get out on time and the pastor said if he’s not too mean they’ll take him to eat, and if he’s too mean they’ll still take Becky to eat. She giggles. Oh jeez he says borned again, again. They have air conditioning. They get snow. He took off his jacket. They’re losing the Wednesday night crowd. They’ll never have an America wide revival. (I just noticed that my cat fell asleep on a plastic bag on the floor, lol. Surprised he’s not keeping her up.)

He tryin to save the Yankees. We’re losing our vision. Bro loves people. 

Leaving their home, they’re not rich, his wife had a job, he had a job, sending their kids to school (what!? I need more info here). He give it all up because of God. He stumbles over the name of the town he’s in. (I really need more answers about the job he’s supposedly had). 

When he goes to the MacDonald’s and other fast foods, he leaves a gospel tract. He’s doing it because someone on their way to hell needs to be reached. (He should probably hand them out at shopping malls too). He hasn’t talked to two of his sisters, honey,  in three years. They don’t wanna talk about god. 

Moses had a stuttering problem. If you’re saved, share your testimony. Becky was saved when she was 7 years old and she’s from West Virginia, and he’s still trying to convert her to North Carolina. He believes she’s saved. 

He hates horses. There are people goin to hell. He pronounces Wednesday like Weens-day. Churches are calling off Wednesday night and Sunday night. In Bible days it went til midnight. He knows some of them have to get out and go to bed and go to work. You shouldn't worry about anything else. 

If you're saved your neighbor should know you're saved. If you've got a dog-and his wife has one of them things-the dog should know you're saved. If you got cats, he feels sorry for you, and Becky laughs. 

On that note Puma is signing off. I have insomnia but recapping this is literally helping with that. Goodnight FJ. Until tomorrow!