Bro Gary Hawkins 10: Nouvelle Cuisine

[catlady]

3 hours ago, mango_fandango said:

Oh my fucking God.

How long will this one last???

I’ll say Christmas. 

As for how the fuck he does it, based on GHaw and JillRod, the first step is to be an asshole. That rules out all of us at the starting point.

[Dana723]

Well...it appears someone caved in and got them a truck.

 

Never mind - someone already broke the news! 

 

 

 

Edited June 28, 2019 by Dana723
deleted picture

[thoughtful]

2 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

If that is what he's done I sincerely hope he pays on time or the seller goes after him for non-payment. 

With the help of the police.

 

[catlady]

On 6/26/2019 at 10:45 AM, catlady said:

So if we give Satan an inch, he’ll take the ruler; that could be an upcoming cross stitch sampler!  

 my current project is a teapot and cup with a caption of “fuck tea; let’s drink bourbon.”

Quoting myself just for context; I finished this one.  GHaw’s Satan ruler is pending.

[PumaLover]

@catlady that is effing amazing!!! I can't wait to see the ruler one!

I've had the shittiest of shitty weeks which I won't go in to but this cheered me up. Also there's a new Bro video to recap. I will carefully put my chicken away (she's sick and I just got her meds and she seems to be on the mend) but I shall be back to recap in a little while. I'm sure all you folks are just on the edges of your seats. 

I keep looking for my dog in the corner and she's not there, so this will be a fun little distraction that I need right now. Why do we outlive animals? It's so unfair.

[grandmadugger]

I have learned one thing thanks to JRod and reading this thread. Jill and Bro Gary are right. I am the wrong kind of Christian. I am not getting cars, RVs, or houses gifted to me. 

[wallysmommy]

If anyone is in the vicinity wgere GHaw is screeching, please leave a stack of job applocations wrapped like a present for him. The same gift also for JRodbur wrapped  in baby shower paper

 

[keepercjr]

I am sorry about your dog @PumaLover.  We lost our 15 year old dog a few months ago and our 18 year old cat last week.  I am pretty sure we are going to lose one of my older chickens (we lost another older one 2 months ago to a sudden illness)  It is always difficult when you expect to see them in their usual spots and they aren’t there anymore.  

[3splenty]

18 hours ago, PumaLover said:

 

(Also thanks for the concern about my chicken-I will get her tiny chicken earmuffs the next time I recap Bro's sermon nonsense.)

Awww, what breed is your chicken? My daughter raises poultry for 4-H and FFA and I love them!  We have cochens, bantam buff orphingtons, naked necks, a sicilian buttercup, americaunas and rhode island reds.  Plus ducks and turkeys. 

I think our tom turkey has more sense than some of our fundies.  However, he is definitely not into modesty.  Lol

[Yogi]

Its so sketchy that he doesn't thank anyone. Like, someone just GAVE you a TRUCK, at least have the decency to say thank you.

[MayMay1123]

2 hours ago, Yogi said:

Its so sketchy that he doesn't thank anyone. Like, someone just GAVE you a TRUCK, at least have the decency to say thank you.

GOD gave him the truck...it just came right on down from heaven above, Jesus drove it right up to the bro...I'm sure he'll be praising Jesus for the blessing soon

[PumaLover]

Thanks for the kind words about my dog. I let her out to go potty on Monday like I've done every other day for years and she just vanished. I have a guy bringing a tracking dog tomorrow to hopefully get some answers and some closure. I think she went off to the creek to die. It's possible a lion got her but I doubt it since they are rarely out in the daytime and I'm sure I would have heard something!

@3splenty I think she is a cream legbar. She looks like a baby eagle, though. LOL

Now for my recap of Bro's riveting sermon that I fell asleep before posting last night. It's very long. He talks about not wanting to be friends with liars, he talks about the new truck, Steven Anderson and apparently Becky woke up screaming in the night and Bro thought it was a dream so he didn't do anything about it.

(So I'm not able to copy paste from Word for some reason so I'll have to add the sermon at a later time. It's RIVETING folks, just RIVETING. Just kidding, it's not. Any idea why Word isn't giving me the option to copy paste? It's a new version that I'm not used to yet.)

[3splenty]

PumaLover, the chicken is adorable!!

[Briefly]

@PumaLover, I am so sorry about your dog.  I wish they lived longer, it's always so hard when we have to realize that they don't.  I don't know a lot about chickens, but your chick does look like an eagle.  She is very cute!

My daughter had car trouble twice this week.  Once was a problem and then the second one was a separate issue but caused by the first one and the mechanic admitted that he should have checked it but didn't. So he gave her a substantial discount on the second repair.  I was her transportation during the second repair.  And I had to stop myself more than once from remarking about GHaw and how a new vehicle just appeared!

[PumaLover]

Thanks @Briefly, for your comment about my dog and my chicken. My little chickie was stepped on by a horse when she was just a few days old and my friend asked if I could take her. She seems perfectly fine except for being sick. I started treating her yesterday and she seems to be feeling much better. I think she's going to be a permanent indoor chicken. She's a little too attached to me! Mr. Puma explained that the reason Word isn't working is that it's not activated, lol. We figured it out and behold, Bro's sermons. Also, some pics of the current Simpsons episode that's on that remind me a little of Bro. 

Spoiler

OK folks, we start off with some banjo playing and very off-key singing. The camera is trained on a gentleman in a wheelchair who is facing the congregation. I'm wondering if he's the pastor. All I can hear is static and Becky singing. She sounds like she can actually carry a tune, but with the other singing it just still sounds terrible. 

Someone is praying and the camera is still trained on the man in the wheelchair. I guess it's because he's in front of the stage. (I feel cringey and Jill-Rod-y for mentioning the wheelchair at all but he's in the frame and it's kind of strange.)

Now they are singing "It is Well with My Soul" which I remember from my non-heathen days. Now the man is gone and the camera is just looking at an empty podium (lectern? Can't remember what it's called.)

Now the Hawkins are on stage. The older boy has on the oversized gray suit. I didn't realize there were church services on Thursday night. There were a few people saved since Saturday and the lord is working on a couple others. They're in Groton, NY and I recognize this church because of the curved wood ceiling. They're singing something but I turned the volume way down, in hopes of sparing my animals' ears. I fast forwarded till I saw them put the instruments down. (I really do like the banjo but everything else combined with the singing is just so bad. And the bad sound quality of the phone just makes it worse.)

Bro says the church has some good sound equipment so you can hear that banjo, it's loud. Yes it is. Ya see that truck out there? It's his and someone else's (?) I can't really understand what he said. It's good to be in church. 

Becky is unwrapping candy. Things don't go as planned. He had to get Becky back there so she could cook. They got the truck and it's his no matter what. The lord is good. 

It's been good being a preacher. Becky giggles but I can't understand what they're saying. Brother Mike has already scheduled them for next year. A baby is talking and I can hardly hear. Something about being in church for 14 straight days but they gotta take Saturdays off so Becky can go yard sale-ing. The baby gets louder as he gets louder. He says something about how this week someone told him he's loud. He's a loudmouth for Jesus. Someone said maybe he should quieten down and he yelled Haymayun. Why? Because all the people are all hard headed. He's aiming for their hearts.

He's talking about driving and your wife is mad at you and your kids won't talk to you and Becky yells, "And you're in a different vee-hickle, sorry!" and giggles. In his other truck you can't talk to each other because you couldn't hear each other. Apparently they drive separately (I guess she was in the old truck) and because she gets migraines one boy rides with her and one rides with Bro and the one who rode with Bro today in the new truck could actually hear what he was saying. (So neither of them work and they have two separate working grifted trucks? Maybe I'm misunderstanding.)

He's got some friends. Some of them know the situation with his family. A pastor Kenneth? down in Arkansas is a true friend and has come to court with him. If you want friends you gotta be friendly. He's talking about gossiping and if you want to see some real gossiping, talk to some Baptist preachers. Brother Mike is his friend; he scheduled him two weeks back to back. Jesus is his friend. They'll eat at the end.

Becky mentioned that Bro is a little bigger than when they met and Bro says it's because she cooks so well. (I've seen pics of what she has cooked and I beg to differ… but it's all subjective I suppose). Apparently the pastor's wife said the same thing to him (the pastor). 

He's reading in Genesis and stumbling over his words. Eve was no friend to Adam. He's screaming about… who knows what. The devil is a liar and all he's out to do is to get people to quit church and kill people. He talks about 14 days of church and in the Bible days they never took a day off. (I haven't read the Bible in a long time; is that true?). A church in Texas had 31 days of revival. 

There's not much good on TV anymore. There was a Democrat debate last night but he was in church. He listened to a little bit and the Democrats are so stinkin stupid he don't think they can get out of a wet paper bag. (Puma is far too sober for this and can't think of any comebacks.)

The devil is not your friend. He makes you drink and smoke dope and cheat on your wife or husband. Most of our problems are on the inside. He's talking about jealousy. He looks in the mirror and wonders why anyone would be jealous of him. (Maybe because people just give you free shit for no reason??) Stay out of the pastors' business and don't worry about how others run their church.

He doesn't know how anyone is even getting saved with how people are. You got people and you got animals and more people is trying to act like animals instead of humans (there are a lot of amens). It's the devil. Arthur-a cartoon? He got him a husband. It's the devil. Kids have watched it. Sin. People are listening to the devil. There are some so-called saved people who listen to the devil. There are lots and lots of amens.

The devil made that fruit look desirable. Is he making something look desirable to you? You'll hang out with liars. He can't say he hates liars but he sure don't like them. I just checked and we are barely halfway through. Puma is going to start skipping because who is seriously still reading at this point??

He's talking about Steven Anderson, and PP said he's trying to change the IBF (sic) which is the Independent Fundamentalist Baptists. Someone in the audience says, liar. Bro has stopped saying that he's independent. Some preachers are so independent that they don't need God. He doesn't know when they started using fundamentalist but it's not what you think it means.  Bro is a Bible believer. 

If Jesus would go back and say he's just done with mankind, like he did in Genesis when he told Noah to build an ark (Jesus said that!?) it has repented me that he had made man. God would still be a just God. It's good to repeat some things. God is not the one sending you to hell. God gives you a choice. He starts to say something to the ladies but I can't understand it.

He talks about how Daniel was just but they made up some law just to punish him just like they're doing in the US. New York has some crazy laws and he's glad he lives in North Carolina. Some girl comes to work and gets her windshield smashed out and the court wont' even give her a restriction (sic) order. Pretty sad when even the court wont help you (his words). You better not have a friend who's a thief. 

The other night Becky woke up and thought she was going to faint and Bro thought it was a dream. She was screaming. What kind of friend have you got when he won't get out of bed? Becky laughs. Choose your friends wisely. He tells young people to choose your friends wisely. Jesus will never do you wrong. 

(I can picture Bro going door to door like the Flanderses and most people's response is Homer's.)

[catlady]

Ok, folks, Bro GHaw says that if you give Satan an inch, he’ll take the ruler.  Well, GHaw never gave anybody anything (including a thank you to the truck donor), so Satan won’t be taking Bro Gary’s ruler!!  

[Ozlsn]

On 6/29/2019 at 12:11 PM, PumaLover said:

He talks about 14 days of church and in the Bible days they never took a day off. 

What, he thinks "keep the Sabbath holy" was metaphorical? What does he think the Holy Days were all about? I mean yes they probably had to still water and feed livestock but there was surely a difference between those days and the rest of the week? For someone who claims to know the Word of God (KJV edition 1611) backwards he comes out with some seriously weird-arse things.

[Dandruff]

50 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

For someone who claims to know the Word of God (KJV edition 1611) backwards he comes out with some seriously weird-arse things.

He might know it backwards...just not forwards.

[Ozlsn]

On 6/30/2019 at 2:15 PM, catlady said:

Ok, folks, Bro GHaw says that if you give Satan an inch, he’ll take the ruler.  Well, GHaw never gave anybody anything (including a thank you to the truck donor), so Satan won’t be taking Bro Gary’s ruler!!  

I told my husband about the mis-quoting of the actual proverb and his response was "what, Satan wants the full 12 inches?"

[Antipatriarch]

Well, I finally dove into the GHaw crazy pool. Wow...

On 6/23/2019 at 6:40 PM, wallysmommy said:

I'm not sure who is the craziest -- Gary and Becky or the pastors who invite them to preach at their churches or the congregation members who are willing to go out of their way to attend a revival with this parody of a preacher.

This church in Groton, NY is probably typical of the places he goes? There are scores of these little IFB-type churches around the country, relics of a past age with just a few older members hanging on, determined to keep doing things they way they've always done them (KJV-only, week-long "revivals," etc.). We were just on vacation in New England and even there I lost track of how many of these I saw in little towns (they're easy to spot from what they say on their marquees). I'm sure it wouldn't be hard for GHaw to find churches like these to invite him to preach; beggars can't be choosers, and they can say they're still doing revivals and winnin' souls for the Lawd. And maybe their (probably severely underpaid) pastor gets a little break with someone else shouldering the load.

Edited July 1, 2019 by Antipatriarch
fix a typo

[Antipatriarch]

On 6/25/2019 at 6:29 AM, Spanger said:

The traveling is probably just an opportunity to drop his KFC donation buckets in front of new pocket books, but how wide do those even open?  It might be enough to pay back whatever gas is used and maybe a meal or two, but it’s clearly not enough to tuck away extra for wear and tear on the vehicles, so those keep dying.

Yes! This to me is the puzzler. It would be easy for GHaw to get into these little churches, but how could he get more than a small "love offering" and maybe a few meals from any congregation small and desperate enough to invite HIM? I don't see how it could be enough to support a family and pay the costs of travelling and living, even if you get free vehicles.

Growing up my family attended a pretty big/well-to-do Southern Baptist church, and we went to all the revivals (2-3 a year usually... ugh). They were done by well-known names in the denomination... talented musicians, preachers that could actually speak grammatically and give a sermon that held together thematically (probably the same ones at every stop, but still...). I'm sure folks like that could make a good living at the revival racket. But GHaw with his off-key music and stumbling rambles? I don't get it.

[Black Aliss]

On 6/25/2019 at 8:24 AM, smittykins said:

Of course, that brings us back to “what job is he qualified for?” given his criminal record, substandard homeskooling, and probable learning disability.  Washing dishes, maybe?

He needs to stick to internet evangelism. That way he can live in a recliner and not have to worry about grifting vee-hickles. Youtube screeching seems to pay the Pissing Preacher from Phoenix pretty well.

[mango_fandango]

Bro Gary has booked a two week revival next year. There’ll be plenty of bad preaching and singing, all broadcast LIVE for us to enjoy. Doesn’t say when it is though.

[wallysmommy]

14 glorious days of GHaw screaming at people who are already knee deep in the church mire.  All those people getting saved -- I grew up Church of God and we had regular revivals.  The same people got saved every revival.  They also got saved every Sunday.  I would love to see him in person and tell him I'm a prophetess and God says he should minister while digging some ditches or washing dishes in a restaurant.

[smittykins]

Groton isn’t all that far from me(maybe an hour and a half).