Bro Gary Hawkins 10: Nouvelle Cuisine

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

URGENT!! OK Folks, the Bro is needing a new vehicle! What is he doing with them all?  Is he driving them into the ground or opening an auto wreckers?  He’s not asking for anything he says.  Sure.

Spoiler

 

[FullOfGravy]

This family is the black hole of vee-hickles.

Hey Gary, you know a good way to get a new car?  They have these things called jobs, where you can exchange labour for money.  Then exchange the money for a vehicle.  It's, like, a whole economic system sorta thing.

[thoughtful]

Gary, you grifting piece of excrement, I have been driving my car (which was used when I bought it) for 12 years. I didn't even finance it, let alone beg for it -- just paid for it, and have paid for maintaining and repairing it ever since.

I did that with money. I earned the money doing work.

It really is a brilliant system. @FullOfGravy is right; you should try it.

[Dandruff]

56 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Gary, you grifting piece of excrement, I have been driving my car (which was used when I bought it) for 12 years. I didn't even finance it, let alone beg for it -- just paid for it, and have paid for maintaining and repairing it ever since.

That's not a very nice thing to say about excrement.

Similar situation with my own car.  I sincerely hope that Bro is taking his BS online again because nobody at the revivals is willing to help.

[thoughtful]

10 minutes ago, Dandruff said:

That's not a very nice thing to say about excrement.

You're right. I hang my head in shame, and apologize to all of the feces in the world for comparing it to Gary.

[PumaLover]

Oh geez, these people and their vee-hickles. I blame the Bro for the reason that I can no longer write vehicle correctly without a lot of thought. I own two vee-hickles. One is a 2000 SUV that I paid like $4,000 for a few years back. I just bought my NEW* vee-hickle which is a 2007 Camry. It's way more fuel efficient than the SUV because I live in the MAINTAINS and have to drive down to the city regularly. I took out a small loan for it and it will be paid off soon. That's because my husband and I both have JOBS though. We have two reliable vehicles that are actually paid off already. It's what happens when you work.

I've been watching old episodes of Friends with my daughter lately and I still think of one of the early episodes where Rachel (who grew up spoiled and privileged) said, "So you guys all have... jobs?" And Ross replied, "Yeah. It's how we buy stuff." Maybe Bro (and JillRod) should watch that episode just for a refresher on how normal people live. 

It's Friday night and Puma has big plans..... to try and recap the Gary videos she's been slacking on. (Using my nice nearly new laptop which my husband bought because he has  JOB.)

[PumaLover]

Puma's recap. There's still more but I'm pretty sure no one needs to hear it:

Thanks to Briefly for the warning about the singing. I was able to skip ahead 14-ish minutes. Bro Gary's vee-hickle is having issues. They gotta be in New York on Sunday. They really want to be there cuz there's a cookout. Bro said the preacher may want to have a message prepared in case they can't make it.

1st Corinthians. He is reading in his typical stumbling and awkward way. God raised Christ from the dead. But he's stumbling really badly over his words. Bro says he's nervous. He drinks water. Puma, in her evil ways, wishes it was vodka because that would be much funnier.

Bro can't walk, talk or preach without God. He's yelling. He's been preaching for about 3 minutes. He thinks apostle Paul was one of the greatest men in the Bible. Bro is a member of a Baptist church but he's going to heaven through the blood. He's yelling and all worked up. He thanks God for the grace of God. (My chicken is getting nervous and isn't sure what to think.) He's glad God is long-suffering. He's screaming. My chicken just looked over at the computer.

He's in Ephesians now. He's gonna boast about Jesus tonight. He's gonna be honest, there's not a whole lot to talk about with Gary Hawkins (…). He'd rather talk about Jesus. The drunk on the street that gets borned again, he hasn't done much damage to God.  Bro was baptized so many times the tadpoles knew his sunscreen number (OK that's kind of hilarious.).

Next month, July 11th he got on his knees and asked Jesus into his heart. People are cheering. He wouldn't be here. He didn't choose this, God did. He's glad he aint' got to give money to go to heaven. Goin' to church won't get him to heaven. He's talking about knocking on doors. (He's talking about how he's saved through grace, not works. He's positively screaming now.) He should be in He'll. He won't ever ask the Lord to be where he should be.

Now they're in Matthew. The worst thing about getting a new Bible is all the pages stick together, probably cuz he slobbers and drools. Gross. He's a servant of the Lort Jesus Christ. He's screaming again. I just noticed there are Christmas lights hanging over the stage thing that he's on. God started working on his heart about traveling and Bro didn't want to do it. Traveling is hard. (Really? It's not like you guys have jobs.) He's talking about car problems. He's glad he's around people who love to serve God (cuz they give him cars.). The bad stuff on the news happens cuz people are unfaithful. God is going back to his people.

People are sittin up on the shelf cuz they rejected Jesus. He doesn't want to be one of those people. He's screaming again. My chicken flew across the room.

He's talking about local churches. He's sent from God the father. Don't feel sorry for him. He's never gone without food unless he chose to. He started coming up to Yankee land. He learned about meals. He's talking about food. He preaches what God tells him to preach and sometimes it makes people mad but they should be mad at God. If he makes the pastor mad he can come back next week. If he makes the preacher's wife mad he ain't never coming back.

His wife has a dog and the dog bit him today and he almost got killed today, lucky he's Becky's dog. Becky (who is recording) says he shouldn't have put his fingers in the dog's mouth. People laugh. The preacher's wife came back after church and said he shouldn't be talking about dogs like that. Everyone laughs. (OMG why do fundies have pets?)

He's talking about leaving tracts. He found out about all the rest of the parts of the state, everybody ain't nice. If he's not in touch with God his flesh ain't nice.

He's reading in Ephesians and still doesn't know what verse it is. He's nervous again. He's sealed by the grace of God. People think they can lose their salvation but he can't. July 11th next month, 20 years ago, he got borned again. His sins has been washed away and he's sealed in the book. He's screaming again.

He's talking about the name Altoona and his boys don't like tuna. LOL

If you have health problems, hold on. You have your salvation. He hardly ever dreams. Teenagers thought that bad dreams would send you to hell. (Sorry, He'll.)

OMG we're only halfway through. Holy Rufus. I'm falling asleep. I'm sure the remaining part is going to be very similar to the first part. 

Spoiler

Get a Job Bro

 

[thoughtful]

5 hours ago, PumaLover said:

Bro was baptized so many times the tadpoles knew his sunscreen number (OK that's kind of hilarious.).

That is funny. I bet he heard someone else say it, because I can't imagine him thinking of something like that on his own.

If he wants to emulate Milton Berle (who was always accused, both seriously and as part of his schtick, of stealing humor from others), I wish he'd go for dressing in drag. Now, that would be funny.

[Four is Enough]

I'm a little sick, thinking of Bro all slicked up with sunscreen....?

[Dandruff]

8 hours ago, PumaLover said:

They gotta be in New York on Sunday. They really want to be there cuz there's a cookout. Bro said the preacher may want to have a message prepared in case they can't make it.

Weens, no doubt.  Bro like ween.

The preacher's message should be "Hallelujah!"

[PumaLover]

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

That is funny. I bet he heard someone else say it, because I can't imagine him thinking of something like that on his own.

 

That's what I assumed. He's not that clever. I still thought it was funny enough to make it my new location. My last one just made me sad.

[smittykins]

2 hours ago, Dandruff said:

Weens, no doubt.  Bro like ween.

The preacher's message should be "Halleluyer!”

FIFY.

So Bro’s church must have been one who did their baptizin’ outside, in lakes or rivers.  I shiver just thinking about it.(When I was “believer baptized,” the fundie-lite church I attended as a teen/young adult didn’t have its own baptismal font, [having originally been a Catholic church], so we had to rent out a nearby Baptist church.)

 

[Briefly]

14 hours ago, PumaLover said:

Thanks to Briefly for the warning about the singing. I was able to skip ahead 14-ish minutes. Bro Gary's vee-hickle is having issues. They gotta be in New York on Sunday. They really want to be there cuz there's a cookout. Bro said the preacher may want to have a message prepared in case they can't make it.

Bro says he's nervous. He drinks water. Puma, in her evil ways, wishes it was vodka because that would be much funnier.

He's in Ephesians now. He's gonna boast about Jesus tonight. He's gonna be honest, there's not a whole lot to talk about with Gary Hawkins (…). He'd rather talk about Jesus. The drunk on the street that gets borned again, he hasn't done much damage to God.  Bro was baptized so many times the tadpoles knew his sunscreen number (OK that's kind of hilarious.).

 

I don't think it was me that warned you about the singing.  I'm actually afraid to listen to it!

I wonder what would happen should someone accidentally sneak vodka into his water?  Not that I am suggesting it, I am not, I just wonder if maybe it would improve him?  He's pretty bad at his preachin' when he's sober...

I am reminded of a song by Randy Travis from a few years back.  I'm not sure about the actual name, but it's about a really bad sinner who changes his ways and gets baptized - the specific line is "pray for the fish" and that is what I thought of concerning Bro. Gary's sunscreen number.

[keepercjr]

Thanks for the recap @PumaLover.  Makes me sick to think of that he might have done to that dog to “punish” him for biting.  He strikes me as the kid of guy that would push a pet way past its limit for laughs and then get enraged when the animal acts like an animal and strikes back.

he literally was singing the praises of that truck a few days ago and bragging about the lord giving him a 5th wheel.  I wonder what happened?  

Looks like they made it to NY.  There was a bad store and now the internet is down.

[thoughtful]

Sheesh, Gary -- shop at the good store, and the Internet will back up.

[PumaLover]

Mr. Puma and I were down in the chicken coop earlier and he threatened to shoot a couple of the chickens that weren't laying eggs (a joke-our chickens are so spoiled.) I told him about how Bro Gary said Becks' dog might have been killed for biting him, and my husband suggested the dog may have tried biting him because his fingers smelled like weens. 

That aside, I am dying laughing at "pray for a ladies that ask JESUS to save her today." I'm a horrible person. 

I stopped going to church in 2006-ish. If there is an afterlife, I really hope it contains vodka and wine.

[thoughtful]

8 hours ago, PumaLover said:

That aside, I am dying laughing at "pray for a ladies that ask JESUS to save her today."

Spoiler

 

[Briefly]

We had hot dogs for dinner tonight.  We seldom have them, but we did tonight.  They were good, but not necessarily healthy.  But I did notice that the plate Mr. Briefly used to warm them in the microwave had lots of red grease on it.  I'm wondering if maybe I missed out on weens & red gravy!

[wallysmommy]

I'm not sure who is the craziest -- Gary and Becky or the pastors who invite them to preach at their churches or the congregation members who are willing to go out of their way to attend a revival with this parody of a preacher.

No where in the Beatitudes does it say "blessed are the lazy buffoons for theirs is the free vee-hi-cle.

[smittykins]

38 minutes ago, Briefly said:

We had hot dogs for dinner tonight.  We seldom have them, but we did tonight.  They were good, but not necessarily healthy.  But I did notice that the plate Mr. Briefly used to warm them in the microwave had lots of red grease on it.  I'm wondering if maybe I missed out on weens & red gravy!

My church held a reception for a soon-to-be-high-school-graduate after today’s service, and there were hot dogs(Hofmann’s), but they aren’t red, and no gravy of any color.

(As an aside, during his homily, Father explicitly referred to the migrant detention centers as concentration camps.)

[Ozlsn]

On 6/22/2019 at 6:33 PM, PumaLover said:

Don't feel sorry for him. He's never gone without food unless he chose to.

Uh yeah, I think we could have guessed that. I kinda sorta want him and Gwen Shamblin to meet, they both seem very food obsessed.

On 6/22/2019 at 6:33 PM, PumaLover said:

Bro Gary's vee-hickle is having issues. They gotta be in New York on Sunday.

Gary there's these things called buses that could get you there... seriously this guy goes through vee-hickles like he goes through weens. 

On 6/22/2019 at 6:33 PM, PumaLover said:

If you have health problems, hold on. You have your salvation. He hardly ever dreams. Teenagers thought that bad dreams would send you to he'll

That is seriously weird. I'm kind of curious now whether 'bad' was defined for him (presumably sex dreams?) or whether he took all dreams to be bad. 

Also talk about holy non sequiteur Batman!

[FeministShrew]

On 6/23/2019 at 12:29 AM, thoughtful said:

Sheesh, Gary -- shop at the good store, and the Internet will back up.

Yeah, Gary! The GOOD store is right next to the NICE Olive Garden. 

[keepercjr]

I can’t wait to see how this all unfolds.  No truck means they are stuck?  Unless Gary’s dad rescues them like he did before.  

[FullOfGravy]

3 minutes ago, keepercjr said:

I can’t wait to see how this all unfolds.  No truck means they are stuck?  Unless Gary’s dad rescues them like he did before.  

Ok Gary, have you considered that maybe GOD will is for you not to preach at that church this evening?  Maybe GOD wants you to get out of the ministry business before you convince anyone else that no deity worth worshipping would inflict you on churches all over the country?

 

 

[mango_fandango]

Bro Gary has been LIVE again!! I actually went onto his page whilst he was actually live, and I think he’d been live for about 40 minutes... dang.