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samurai_sarah

Bro Gary Hawkins 10: Nouvelle Cuisine

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Waffle Time
PumaLover
21 hours ago, catlady said:

Ok, folks.  I was feeling crafty after a day in the garden, so I present Red Weens in ME

 

0CB19219-87EE-4B9A-9168-2138B83F7208.jpeg

Real man food eating! Nice work!

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Waffle Time
PumaLover

OK folks, Sis Puma is very thankful that after today's crazy storm, she has electricity. Thought she might have to sleep in the SUV again. Puma kitten is also on the desk, purring up a storm, to help recap whatever madness Bro posted today. (Not really a kitten, she's at least 7, but is very tiny and adorable!)

*Puma recap starts now and she did not realize how many videos there are. Holy Rufus.

**One lady in the back is wearing a (cute!) sleeveless dress and I wonder if Bro is offended by that.

OK first video is breaking up really badly. Isaiah chapter 45. Video quality is really bad. Something about the gays? Oh no the gates. (With him I really don’t know).

He’s stumbling over his words and it’s not even the video quality. He wants to have some revivals at this church (somewhere in New York). He hopes the lord will give him some idears.

He’s been saved this July 20 years and he got called to preach. He says haymayun and no one responds. Video breaks up pretty badly. I skipped ahead. He’s noticed as he comes up to the northern states, he notices that people say, “Jesus Christ!” People are making light of it. He got him some friends that have a little bit of putting a politician in with the bible. He doesn’t think they should get up and talk about Donald Trump every service, but they should talk about him most services. (Does he even know anything about Donald Trump besides the fact that he ran as the republican candidate against Hillary???????? I don’t think so.) His friends want to help America and there’s a guy in North Carolina that couldn’t pray in Jesus’ name. God tells you to do it and the world tells you not to. (?) Someone is in hell because he rejected Jesus and something about Mohammed being in hell.

Video is breaking up but it was perfectly clear during the Trump part. I’m guessing all the Republicans prayed for good internet.

OMG Becky is unwrapping more fucking candy. Why the fuck has she not figured out how distracting it is!??!

God cannot lie and has not lied. Something about Noah being born and being on the ark. God destroyed the world. God will not destroy the world with water again, but he’s been to Texas. Something about California either flooding or burning down (this is true. Been working my ass off to get my fire clearance ready.) He’s giving praises for the showers. All the snow and rain we’ve had, God hasn’t flooded New York, Hayamayun. He made it to the Walmarts in his truck and they need to build an ark cuz it’s getting close.  

I’m bored with the first video so I’m skipping to the next one with the woman in the sleeveless (cute and blue!!) dress. They’re singing some Hallaluyer song (I totally forgot the actual way to spell it!). OK this is a lot of singing and I skipped most of it. Now the podium has been handed over to Bro. The video quality sucks and Bro doesn’t like snow. (I do but I’m thankful we only got rain and hail up here in the maintains today.)

He’s goin’ back to Isaiah 45. I guess the first video was Sunday school.

God does not have a last name. If you don’t know what this means go home and study it. Becky breaks in and says, Exodus.

I don’t care about any of this and I’m just waiting til he talks about Trump again. (Y’all saw my post about the Trump shop, right?? I’ve been in California for a long time but am actually surrounded by Trump supporters up in our little conservative maintain community.)

The video quality is still really bad and so is Bro’s reading quality.

I’m waiting til Becky unwraps candy and Bro talks about how to beat babies and why Trump should win in 2020.

He and Becky were reading through the old testament. He says something powerful but I can’t understand it. Something about Adam and Eve and the tree of life. God has always wanted man to be the right choice. God put a fruit in the midst of the garden. We make a choice to do right or wrong.

Why is God allowing all these things to happen? Wars, bad things, cuz we aren’t following God. Who is God? He isn’t gonna read all of Genesis cuz he’s a slow reader and he takes two months to read three chapters. (If he wasn’t such a horrible judgmental person I wouldn’t judge him, because family members have learning disabilities that I’m sensitive to. But I know he would judge me and I feel like I’m a good person who is beneficial to society.)

He’s traveled all over the US. Must be nice. I’ve only seen parts of it cuz I gotta pay for it myself. He doesn’t want to go to NY City. Something about how he wants to see the Yankees play. Something about Niagara Falls. The video is breaking up and Becky is laughing. I have no idea what he’s saying. I think he’s saying science didn’t create it.

I still can’t fucking understand what he’s saying. A country singer was in an accident with a drunk wrong way driver, and the drunk driver died. Around here it’s usually the other way around and the drunk driver walks away.

Oh geez he’s talking about the Walmarts again and I can’t understand what he’s saying but he’s yelling and is glad that hell is downstairs. Something about how it was creepy in there and Becky giggles a la Kendra Duggar. I think the power went out?? Not sure. Oh. He thanks God for lights. (I thank PG&E for lights!)

OK now God created water and Becky giggles again. He created water so we could have gardens. Some joke that I can’t understand but Becky laughs. Something about the ocean. Something about liking to eat fish and in heaven you can reach down into the river of life and you can reach down and pull out the fish and it’s already fried and everything should be fried, haymayun. (@samurai_sarahnext thread title??) been saved 20 years (right around the time I was but I’ve moved on, thank Rufus and Mother Earth.)

He’s talking about mater sandwiches and Duke’s mayonnaise and Becky is from WV and if you don’t understand anything ask her. He’s yelling about man and woman and the video is still breaking up. If I didn’t know better I’d think he was broadcasting it from my mountainside. Gonna post this nonsense before our power possibly goes out. 

Apparently Fundie Wonderland is onto Bro Gary and I'm hoping they don't get him to go private again. I follow them  but don't really interact because it's not my scene and they annoy me. I'm a little perturbed because Bro is "ours," yo! I think some of their members are following and commenting and leaving angry faces on his posts. Not cool.

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keepercjr
10 hours ago, PumaLover said:

I don’t care about any of this and I’m just waiting til he talks about Trump again. (Y’all saw my post about the Trump shop, right?? I’ve been in California for a long time but am actually surrounded by Trump supporters up in our little conservative maintain community.)

We like to get away to Bass lake for a few days every winter and we are reminded of the mountain trump love as one of the stores has a whole section devoted to trump. The cult like attitude is sickening.

 

 

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Waffle Time
PumaLover
2 hours ago, keepercjr said:

We like to get away to Bass lake for a few days every winter and we are reminded of the mountain trump love as one of the stores has a whole section devoted to trump. The cult like attitude is sickening.

 

 

That's how it is over here, although I've only seen one MAGA hat. There is a guy in Clovis with a huge red MAKE CALIFORNIA GREAT AGAIN sign in his yard. 😏

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wallysmommy
Posted (edited)

I hope my parents are enjoying great fried catfish out of the River of Life and maybe some boiled crawfish out of the Swamp of Joy in heaven.

Fundy Wonderland -- I lasted about a day.  They're just too, too much for me.

@PumaLover Thank you for the laugh!  Your recaps are priceless.

ETA:  One of the songs was "When the Roll is Called up Yonder I'll be There" or as my cousin sang it when she was little "When the roll is filled with yonder I'll be there."

Edited by wallysmommy

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FullOfGravy
On 5/18/2019 at 11:19 PM, catlady said:

Ok, folks.  I was feeling crafty after a day in the garden, so I present Red Weens in ME

 

0CB19219-87EE-4B9A-9168-2138B83F7208.jpeg

This is awesome!

 

23 hours ago, keepercjr said:

@catlady and other crafty people... how do you explain your FJ inspired creations to others?!  Do they hide out in a secret place where you can look and have a giggle every once in a while?

I currently only have two, but they're sitting in a drawer.  I don't know if FJ does any fundraising-type giveaways or raffles I could donate to, or if it'd be worth setting up a side Etsy separate from my regular shop, where I could send the profits from any sales to FJ.  The fun for me is in making things, even if I don't really have a use for them.

 

13 hours ago, PumaLover said:

He isn’t gonna read all of Genesis cuz he’s a slow reader and he takes two months to read three chapters.

Oof.  We knew his literacy was questionable, but I hadn't realized his parents' homeschooling had failed him this badly.  Even allowing for some hyperbole, this sounds like an elementary-school reading level at best.  I wouldn't be surprised if there were some learning disabilities at play here, but with work and some appropriate materials, he could improve.  Instead he keeps on struggling through the KJV, which is dense even for more fluent readers and is clearly over his head.

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waltraute



... he keeps on struggling through the KJV, which is dense even for more fluent readers and is clearly over his head.


And yet, he keeps on preaching.

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keepercjr
Posted (edited)
9 hours ago, FullOfGravy said:

Oof.  We knew his literacy was questionable, but I hadn't realized his parents' homeschooling had failed him this badly.  Even allowing for some hyperbole, this sounds like an elementary-school reading level at best.  I wouldn't be surprised if there were some learning disabilities at play here, but with work and some appropriate materials, he could improve.  Instead he keeps on struggling through the KJV, which is dense even for more fluent readers and is clearly over his head.

If you have ever heard him try to read in one of his videos it is clear that he is barely literate.  He reads each word.  No fluency.  Just word. Word. Word.  And he often stumbles over them.  I am sure there are probably some learning disabilities that were never addressed in homeschool and he may have been quite a handful when he was younger.  He has mentioned his youth a few times and It isn’t in the best light.  It sounds like the only remedy used was beatings and well that didn’t work.  For anything,

he posted this earlier today and I don’t understand.  Was this a preacher who no longer wanted him around?

 

CF9A2FE7-93AC-44F2-8B8F-9D102665F997.jpeg

Edited by keepercjr

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WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?

So, I tried translating the Weenese above into reasonable English. It's actually one of Bro Gary's less confusing efforts, but it showed me some of the difficulties in translating from one language to another. Should I go for an exact word to word translation, or try to make sure the meaning is understandable?

(And Weenese to English is a small hop. Old Testament Hebrew and New Testament Greek to English? Yikes! No wonder we have so many translations!)

Spoiler

CF9A2FE7-93AC-44F2-8B8F-9D102665F997.thumb.jpeg.71704598a246926d07b4349a0b4fbc35.jpeg.jpg.a20599c5a4e6b0087ce55573e6693e04.jpg

Gary Hawkins

Ok, folks. I got a surprise visit today. It was someone who I had preached for in the past. His wife wanted to see my wife, so we went to the parking lot. [I guess to give the ladies privacy? Translator unsure of author's meaning.]

So, he says, "So, you are still going around." I said, "Sure. God hasn't told me to stop."

It amazes me how a preacher who no longer wants my preaching just assumes that because he no longer wants me to preach at his church, my days as a preacher must be over. No. The Lord has lots for my family to do! So, no. I am not in any way planning on quitting.

The Lord has done too much for me to quit. When someone closes a door to our ministry by cancelling our visit, the Lord opens another door!

Thank God HE uses this unworthy vessel! I am who and what I am because of Christ.

Bro G misuses capitalization, but he under uses exclamation marks for emphasis. Some of his stuff would be easier to understand with an exclamation mark or two. (Just not to an eleventy!!!11!!!1!1!!! level.)

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Ozlsn
On 5/20/2019 at 5:35 PM, PumaLover said:

God hasn’t flooded New York, Hayamayun. He made it to the Walmarts in his truck and they need to build an ark cuz it’s getting close.  

I cannot be the only person who wondered why God needed a truck, right?

On 5/20/2019 at 5:35 PM, PumaLover said:

God has always wanted man to be the right choice. God put a fruit in the midst of the garden. We make a choice to do right or wrong.

We make a choice to read that right.. or wrong. Wrong's entertaining me more, so there it is. Man is the right fruity choice apparently.

On 5/20/2019 at 5:35 PM, PumaLover said:

he’s yelling and is glad that hell is downstairs.

What you have in your basement is entirely up to you. Unless you're the church unfortunate enough to have been hosting Bro Gary when his most recent vehicle broke down, in which case it's entirely up to how quickly you can gather enough money to repair it sufficently that it breaks down near someone else instead. But if you chose to host Bro Gary to start with, well... that's the price you pay for cheap entertainment. 

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Bbfamteam

I’m a couple of weeks late to the party but Bro Gary said “Two roosters don’t make a chicken”.... Well Bro they may not, but they adopt the chickens that you pro lifers are so excited to see birthed and then abandon to foster care or sentence to a lifetime of abuse and neglect.

On beating babies, my 2.5 year old (who is already more fluent in the English language and has more critical thinking skills than Bro Gary) just had a tantrum because he didn’t want a breakfast appropriate drink. I poured his milk and waited and he then asked me to hold him and cried for another minute then it ended with him still not getting his way.  If I had spanked him I suspect I would have listened to the crying for three times as long and it would not have gotten us anywhere.  

The only way I can figure these churches inviting him to preach is that they snark on them too. I mean logically I know there are likeminded people out there who agree with him and think his gibberish is God inspired, but he’s a living parody. Maybe they feel sorry for his kids? Maybe the good evangelists were all taken and so they scrape the bottom of the barrel because they need the break?  In any case he wouldn’t set foot inside the church I attend. In fact the sermon last week was on balancing grace and truth and flat out said legalism was not honoring to God (and no yelling or KJB were used). I wore shorts, a T-shirt and tennis shoes, the right hand of the pastor is a woman, another woman led the communion meditation and the pastor preached in jeans. GHaw would waddle away (I’m not convinced he could run at this point) shaking his head in horror. 

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Waffle Time
PumaLover

Oh geez there's a couple more videos, all from the same church. Sis Puma will try and recap tomorrow night if no one else has. Quick synopsis though-bad singing, more bad singing, Bro Gary talking about the verse he's gonna read, flipping through the Bible for 5 minutes to find said verse, some awkward reading, something about them teaching boys that they wanna be girls, something about TRUMP 2020 hallaluyer, give money. More Trump. Trump God. It Bible. Give money. Haymayun. (OMG I can't even type amen anymore, my fingers give way to Haymayun. Muscle memory?)

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littleblueheathen
Posted (edited)
On 5/16/2019 at 1:04 PM, wallysmommy said:

South Louisiana -- can't have an open container, but you can get an alcoholic beverage at a drive-thru.

Delurking again to say that if you're in the New Orleans area, the best frozen daiquiris, white Russians,etc can be found in a little shop on Lake Ave. in Bucktown.  The ones in the Quarter are shite.

 

Daiquiris and Creams is the name of it.

Edited by littleblueheathen
Added the name of the place

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wallysmommy

I go to Daiquiris and Cream on West Gause in Slidell.  One of my better acts was taking Wallysgrammy, wife of an Assembly of God preacher, through the drive-thru at D and C in Slidell.  She shared my Bloody Mary with me :).

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littleblueheathen
37 minutes ago, wallysmommy said:

I go to Daiquiris and Cream on West Gause in Slidell.  One of my better acts was taking Wallysgrammy, wife of an Assembly of God preacher, through the drive-thru at D and C in Slidell.  She shared my Bloody Mary with me :).

I've been to that location, too. I haven't tried the Bloody Marys yet. The Carousel bar at the Monteleone is my favorite place for those, but I don't go in there much unless I have folks visiting. My mom, who was a hardshell Baptist before converting to Church of Christ, would sip a Bloody Mary once in a while in her later years. I used to get tickled at her, because I think she thought the tomato juice was more "respectable" than mixing with say, OJ or soda.

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wallysmommy

For my mom, it was mimosas -- she was just drinking orange juice :).

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Waffle Time
catlady

Ok folks. we have our second It Bible sampler. @FullOfGravy‘s is first and best, so here we have the silver medalist:

6BA21ED5-484D-4B4D-BF1F-2D9943321CCD.jpeg

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FullOfGravy

@catlady love it!  The smoking truck is perfect!  🤣

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Waffle Time
PumaLover

OMG @catlady It's the middle of the night and I'm cackling to myself. My cat came over to rub on me and make sure I'm OK. The smoking truck is F-ing amazing. You are very talented!!

(OMG the cackling woke up my deaf dog. You win the internets for today!)

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wallysmommy

I so want to see GHaw and JRod trip over each other at some church since they seem to circle around the same area of the country.

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Botkinetti

If they did meet and competed for collections I would love to read about how they felt about each other. Secretly convinced that they are superior to the other and pissed that the presence of both diluted the money pool the passive-aggressive screeds would be hilarious.

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wallysmommy

Jill would think she wins because:

1.  Number of kids.

2.  RV that actually runs.

3.  Never divorced.

4.  All kids live with her and didn't choose to live with gays instead of their SWEET MAMA.

5.  Plexus standing and downline size.

6.  She has a radio show.

GHaw would think he wins because:

1.  He can preach in the pulpit.  This gets a double score.

2.  He gets to eat pink weens instead of drinking pink powder.

I( can't think of any other advantages GHaw would have.

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CTRLZero

I wonder what David and Becky would be doing during the passive-aggressive (or just aggressive!) face-off?  Chillin' with Beansie, maybe.

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thoughtful
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, wallysmommy said:

2.  He gets to eat pink weens instead of drinking pink powder.

I never thought about the fact that they both adore a pink substance that they consider edible/potable. I think they really worship at the Church of Pink Ingestion. And, of course, it made me think of a song from a classic film:

Jill: Think pink! Think pink when you think of food or drink!
Think pink! Think pink if you want to grow or shrink!
Red is dead, blue is through,
Green's obscene, brown's taboo
And there is not the slightest excuse for plum or puce
or chartreuse!


Think pink and you need not count a calorie!
Think pink! Who cares if it drains your salary!
Now, I wouldn't presume to tell a woman
What a woman ought to drink,
But tell her if she's gotta drink, drink pink!
 

Gary:  For weens! Gravy too!

Cover biscuits with bright pink goo!

And pink's for my lady to cook for me.

Pink's for all the family.

 

Try ween shampoo.

Toothpasta too.

Preach in pink, and teach in pink,

Go leech in pink.

 

Jill: Grift in pink, get a gift in pink,

Get a lift from pink.

 

Gary: Go to church now and don’t you ever be late!

Know your gas will really stink

If you’ve got a little pink

On your plate.

 

Jill and Gary: Think pink! Think pink, it's the latest word, you know.

Think pink! Think pink then go out and beg for dough!

Hate the gays, know you’re right.

Post all day, post all night.

 

Pink is now the color ideal

For every meal!

Ideal for every meal!

Hear our spiel!

Every meal, we spiel!

 

Think pink! Think pink on the long, long road ahead.

On the road, think pink!

Think pink even when your truck is dead!

Get a new engine!

Both of these “foods” are quite disgusting.

If you really stopped to think,

You’d pour them down the kitchen sink!

Think pink!

 

Edited by thoughtful
riffles, trying to get each section to single-space (failed!)

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Waffle Time
catlady

Jill and Becky would get along only if they bought each other’s Plexus and Poppyrocksy*.  And at $5 bucks a pop, *all* of Jill’s kids could afford to Pamper Mama (TM), so she’d rake in a dozen items.  

*I know G&B seem to have given up on the Pocketrocket venture, but it’s my turn on the idle speculation bus :) !  

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