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Joy and Austin 26: Please Wear the Appropriate Footgear Around Horses


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9 hours ago, Iamtheway said:

Me too! I am regularly amazed about the fact that I am married, a mother, owns my own house and pay my own bills. I was 13 when my mum was my age. I wonder if she ever looked around the house and was like: ”Someone is going to find out I’m faking it any minute now and assign me a legal guardian”?

This is the perfect summation for some people, and I'm included in that group. You'll start to feel a bit grown up when you have your first colonoscopy.

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20 hours ago, twoandthrough said:

I thought I was a kid person until I had them. I think I struggle a lot with being maternal. I have taught middle school in my pre-kid life, and it wasn't bad at all. Maybe I just "get" teenagers better than toddlers. IDK. But I definitely struggle more than most... or at least more than most let on. ;)

As a teacher you get a break from your students. You get to go home on nights, weekends, and school breaks without having to physically see them (though teachers obviously have a ton of work outside the classroom as well.) As a parent (or legal guardian) you don’t get that option though - even when someone else is with your child, you are still on call 24/7 because that child is ultimately your complete responsibility. You still have to deal with any potential issues (like sickness or injuries or behavioral problems) even when you aren’t physically with your child. On top of that, children have an uncanny way of reflecting our absolute worst (and best) qualities right back in our faces in a way that makes it impossible to ignore and it’s incredibly annoying for that reason. I think many parents, if not most, struggle with what you’re talking about from time to time. I love my daughter and I’m enjoying each stage of her life for different reasons, but I certainly struggle with feeling maternal and remaining patient/calm/sane at times. Being completely responsible for another life is overwhelming and scary and incredibly difficult at times. No one really knows what they’re doing - we’re all basically just winging it and hoping for the best.

Society likes to paint a very rosy picture of motherhood that includes tons of rainbows and sunshine and constant happiness. That just isn’t realistic. You don’t suddenly become a shining beacon of constant calm and love and wisdom just because you have children - you’re still a complex human being dealing with past experiences and complicated emotions that ultimately impact how you end up parenting. Like a lot of stuff related to parenting, people don’t like to talk about it because they’re scared of being unfairly judged. As long as everyone (including you) is relatively happy, healthy, and safe then you’re doing a good job.

(I’m talking about parents and guardians who are raising children themselves. I’m guessing that parents who don’t have legal custody or parental rights will have a different experience.)

ETA: I’ve actually always loved babies and kids. I was that toddler who just knew I wanted to be a mom when I got older. I’ve still struggled with being a good mom at times becayse the reality is so much messier than the way a lot of people imagine parenthood. 

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22 minutes ago, Bobology said:

This is the perfect summation for some people, and I'm included in that group. You'll start to feel a bit grown up when you have your first colonoscopy.

I had one a month ago. Still feel a need to throw my arms into the air and yell “ADULTING!!!” when I remember to pay the cable bill on time or manage to get more than one major chore done in a day. ?

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17 hours ago, Audrey2 said:

Toddlers are just teenagers without the raging hormones and with many, many fewer verbal skills.

So true - they throw fits like none other. Ugh. I think I struggle so much because they can't communicate well, so they're frustrated, and so am I. 

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I want children SO bad but I don't feel at all like I am grown up enough to have them - and I'm almost 34. My time of being a mother is rapidly coming to a close, so it's a decision I need to make, although I kind of feel like life is making it for me. There might be a greater plan here than what I want, and I don't know if I'd make a very good mother so maybe life is trying to help me out by avoiding it. I'm so settled in my ways - I feel wrecked if I only get 6 hours of sleep. Well, most mothers would kill for that.

I thought eventually I would feel like an adult but I still feel like I'm faking it and I feel like this a pretty common feeling amongst adults - I just never knew it before. 

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35 minutes ago, VelociRapture said:

As a teacher you get a break from your students. You get to go home on nights, weekends, and school breaks without having to physically see them (though teachers obviously have a ton of work outside the classroom as well.) As a parent (or legal guardian) you don’t get that option though - even when someone else is with your child, you are still on call 24/7 because that child is ultimately your complete responsibility. You still have to deal with any potential issues (like sickness or injuries or behavioral problems) even when you aren’t physically with your child. On top of that, children have an uncanny way of reflecting our absolute worst (and best) qualities right back in our faces in a way that makes it impossible to ignore and it’s incredibly annoying for that reason. I think many parents, if not most, struggle with what you’re talking about from time to time. I love my daughter and I’m enjoying each stage of her life for different reasons, but I certainly struggle with feeling maternal and remaining patient/calm/sane at times. Being completely responsible for another life is overwhelming and scary and incredibly difficult at times. No one really knows what they’re doing - we’re all basically just winging it and hoping for the best.

Society likes to paint a very rosy picture of motherhood that includes tons of rainbows and sunshine and constant happiness. That just isn’t realistic. You don’t suddenly become a shining beacon of constant calm and love and wisdom just because you have children - you’re still a complex human being dealing with past experiences and complicated emotions that ultimately impact how you end up parenting. Like a lot of stuff related to parenting, people don’t like to talk about it because they’re scared of being unfairly judged. As long as everyone (including you) is relatively happy, healthy, and safe then you’re doing a good job.

(I’m talking about parents and guardians who are raising children themselves. I’m guessing that parents who don’t have legal custody or parental rights will have a different experience.)

ETA: I’ve actually always loved babies and kids. I was that toddler who just knew I wanted to be a mom when I got older. I’ve still struggled with being a good mom at times becayse the reality is so much messier than the way a lot of people imagine parenthood. 

That is al so true. So true. I know my impatience has become blaringly obvious since becoming a mother, and I hate that about myself. I get so frustrated way too quickly, and then I feel bad. I keep hoping it's just the toddler years, and then I'll have a better grasp on parenting two daughters, but we'll see. What I DO love, though, is that no matter how bad of a day I think we have... they still want to hug and kiss and snuggle before getting into bed, and in the morning, they are so cheerful and happy to see me that my younger one literally jumps up and down and squeals in her crib with delight, and that basically makes my heart explode. Parenting is tough. ?

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3 hours ago, TZmom said:

Are you me? This is an exact description of my 6 year old. He had an epic meltdown a few days ago because all of his "soft"pants were in the wash and he didn't want to wear jeans.

I am also a baby person. I'm sure I've said this here before...I'd love to have more babies. But then they turn into toddlers and I cannot deal with another toddler. Three was enough.

Our boy threw a mini fit the other day because I suggested he wear (elastic waist, pull on) jeans. "NO! Momma! I want comfy pants!" 

He's sweet now that he's a funny little kid asking the MOST bizarre questions. Last night he wanted to know WHEN we were going to die - like - the date. And then how long it would take for his Uncle's Mommy to come back - she died in February - he never met her, but we went to the funeral. (the uncle is a friend, not a relative). And then was singing a song about how Jesus was his super hero and stronger that Superman and Batman. (he goes to a Catholic school - I'm a lapsed at best Catholic and sometimes I really second guess this school) 

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2 hours ago, Bobology said:

This is the perfect summation for some people, and I'm included in that group. You'll start to feel a bit grown up when you have your first colonoscopy.

 

1 hour ago, justodd said:

I had one a month ago. Still feel a need to throw my arms into the air and yell “ADULTING!!!” when I remember to pay the cable bill on time or manage to get more than one major chore done in a day. ?

I also had one last month (wow did that suck!) and it didn’t help at all. Maybe once Miniway start having kids? He says he wants 100 of them so he is obviously quiverful and I will have to help his wife (or wives I guess if he’s going to reach the 100) with laundry. Yay ...

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When I was a kid, I used to wonder at what age you became a grown up.

I'm 71. When do I get to be a grown up?

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1 hour ago, Meggo said:

Our boy threw a mini fit the other day because I suggested he wear (elastic waist, pull on) jeans. "NO! Momma! I want comfy pants!" 

He's sweet now that he's a funny little kid asking the MOST bizarre questions. Last night he wanted to know WHEN we were going to die - like - the date. And then how long it would take for his Uncle's Mommy to come back - she died in February - he never met her, but we went to the funeral. (the uncle is a friend, not a relative). And then was singing a song about how Jesus was his super hero and stronger that Superman and Batman. (he goes to a Catholic school - I'm a lapsed at best Catholic and sometimes I really second guess this school) 

Our kids could be best friends.  Mine is always telling me about God (this kid has never even been in a church). I think he's picking it up from his church-going friends but he's super into it. 

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I felt like a grown up at maybe 21. I wasn't even completely independent from my parents yet - they still paid for school and covered me on their life insurance and I even lived with them for a few months the next year while I was dealing with health issues. But for some reason I've felt like an adult since then. I don't always feel like I do a good job, but I do feel like an adult!

For the record, I had a colonoscopy at 25. 

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1 hour ago, Bad Wolf said:

When I was a kid, I used to wonder at what age you became a grown up.

I'm 71. When do I get to be a grown up?

Thank you!!! Glad to know that wondering about that isn't odd at 55. I did some serious adulting recently. Paid bills, took care of getting my COBRA set up and made a grocery list. I feel so damn accomplished! I've talked about this with my kids and admitted to them that I had no fucking clue what I was doing or what I AM doing. Daughter agrees but sons claim that since mom's the closest thing they know to an omnipotent being, mom HAS to be an adult (dunno where they got that shit from but whatever). 

I look at how the mother was at my age...and well...I'm nowhere near that stage of adulthood. 

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35 minutes ago, TZmom said:

Our kids could be best friends.  Mine is always telling me about God (this kid has never even been in a church). I think he's picking it up from his church-going friends but he's super into it. 

Mine has been to church (mass via school & also when he stays at my parents house). My parents are thrilled to pieces he's going to a Catholic school and makes sure to shove all the bible books they can at him. They don't get that the only reason we picked Catholic over public here in Ontario (where I don't have to pay for either) is that we are so close I heard the outside announcements in my house and his daycare is in the same building. 
If next year isn't VASTLY improved teacher wise? There's gonna be a rumble. 

The boy and I also had a LONG conversation about bees at bedtime last night. How he doesn't like them because they sting but how we have to protect bees because we need them. Wasps on the other hand - can go die in a fire. 

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2 hours ago, Meggo said:

Our boy threw a mini fit the other day because I suggested he wear (elastic waist, pull on) jeans. "NO! Momma! I want comfy pants!" 
 

My sister always has that argument with her boy's, a few weeks ago as an early Easter present my sister and her boyfriend bought them tickets to see Celtic and Aberdeen play in the Scottish Cup Semi final and because they were hospitality seats their was a dress code that included no sports wear or sweatpants. Oldest nephew was refusing to go until I said I would have his ticket.

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36 minutes ago, feministxtian said:

I look at how the mother was at my age...and well...I'm nowhere near that stage of adulthood.

From what you've said about the mother, I don't think you need to ever be like her. Who she was wasn't a result of a stage of adulthood. That was her, and you are you. Be yourself until you're a unique 105 year old, kicking butt in the assisted living home!

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2 hours ago, Iamtheway said:

 

I also had one last month (wow did that suck!) and it didn’t help at all. Maybe once Miniway start having kids? He says he wants 100 of them so he is obviously quiverful and I will have to help his wife (or wives I guess if he’s going to reach the 100) with laundry. Yay ...

I had one in January. The solution made me vomit violently before and after the procedure. 

2 hours ago, Bad Wolf said:

When I was a kid, I used to wonder at what age you became a grown up.

I'm 71. When do I get to be a grown up?

I'm 53 and still feel like a kid. 

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5 hours ago, VelociRapture said:

You don’t suddenly become a shining beacon of constant calm and love and wisdom just because you have children - you’re still a complex human being dealing with past experiences and complicated emotions that ultimately impact how you end up parenting.

Sometimes it seems to me that @VelociRapture is a clan matriarch. Did you get all this wisdom from your brilliant mom?

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5 minutes ago, Bobology said:

Sometimes it seems to me that @VelociRapture is a clan matriarch. Did you get all this wisdom from your brilliant mom?

Lol! I’ll only be turning 31 next month, so I’m probably a bit too young to be the clan matriarch at this point. I’d say that honor goes to my maternal grandmother and my mother. My sister and I will have our turns eventually. 

I get a lot of my practicality and knowledge from my mom. She taught me some stuff purposely, but a lot was just observing her throughout my life. She isn’t the most patient person. Like all of us she is far from perfect. She yelled at us a lot when we were growing up and got angry at us for some really little things at times. I haven’t always felt like I can go to her with my problems partly because of that and it has caused some resentment for me at times. 

But I also observed her cheering us on every step of the way. She was the first person to back us up when we needed it and she had no problem going into full on Mama Bear mode when she felt someone or something was messing with us too much. She also had no issues with calling us out when we were acting like brats or were in the wrong though and she disciplined us appropriately as needed. She did her best to keep us well fed and to keep a roof over our heads despite the fact that my dad bounced between jobs a lot - first because of alcoholism and, after he got sober for a long time, because of the economy. She went back to work when I was 9 so she could help provide for our family, while still taking time to be involved in local politics to make sure we were growing up in a good town. When my first nephew was born I volunteered to watch him when my sister went back to work six weeks postpartum (side note, I’m still furious that’s all she got.) When I struggled to watch him while dealing with severe morning sickness my mom was more than willing to come help out so I could rest. She watched our dog for us when I wound up in the hospital in premature labor and she ran by the hospital - knowing she wouldn’t get to see the baby - just to check on me after the birth. When I was experiencing severe postpartum panic attacks she drove to my in-law’s house and climbed into the bed to cuddle me, before taking my husband and I over to her house (because she thought being in my childhood home might help.) I’ve gotten to witness the absolute joy she gets from being a grandmother and I’ve seen her struggle at times with understanding when it’s time for her to step back and allow us to make our own decisions as parents without her input. I had the privilege of watching her come into her own as a valued member of local political campaigns over the years and I learned everything I know about living with crushing grief from watching her (and the rest of her family) handle the loss of her beloved sister almost 26 years ago to suicide with dignity and grace.

It’s the same story with my maternal grandmother, as well as my father’s favorite Aunt. I’ve been very fortunate to grow up in a family with several very strong and tough (in our own unique ways) female role models to look up to and my daughter is fortunate to be growing up with several in the family now too - her great-grandmother, both her grandmothers, several Aunts, and me too. I already see little glimmers of our stubbornness, feistiness, and compassion in her (and my nephews) and it makes me so proud of who she is as a little person. 

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This is the perfect summation for some people, and I'm included in that group. You'll start to feel a bit grown up when you have your first colonoscopy.


I’ve done 10+ colonoscopies [emoji90] and I’m still feeling like a kid sometimes. I told my husband that just the other day [emoji1787]
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3 hours ago, VelociRapture said:

Lol! I’ll only be turning 31 next month, so I’m probably a bit too young to be the clan matriarch at this point. I’d say that honor goes to my maternal grandmother and my mother. My sister and I will have our turns eventually. 

I get a lot of my practicality and knowledge from my mom. She taught me some stuff purposely, but a lot was just observing her throughout my life. She isn’t the most patient person. Like all of us she is far from perfect. She yelled at us a lot when we were growing up and got angry at us for some really little things at times. I haven’t always felt like I can go to her with my problems partly because of that and it has caused some resentment for me at times. 

But I also observed her cheering us on every step of the way. She was the first person to back us up when we needed it and she had no problem going into full on Mama Bear mode when she felt someone or something was messing with us too much. She also had no issues with calling us out when we were acting like brats or were in the wrong though and she disciplined us appropriately as needed. She did her best to keep us well fed and to keep a roof over our heads despite the fact that my dad bounced between jobs a lot - first because of alcoholism and, after he got sober for a long time, because of the economy. She went back to work when I was 9 so she could help provide for our family, while still taking time to be involved in local politics to make sure we were growing up in a good town. When my first nephew was born I volunteered to watch him when my sister went back to work six weeks postpartum (side note, I’m still furious that’s all she got.) When I struggled to watch him while dealing with severe morning sickness my mom was more than willing to come help out so I could rest. She watched our dog for us when I wound up in the hospital in premature labor and she ran by the hospital - knowing she wouldn’t get to see the baby - just to check on me after the birth. When I was experiencing severe postpartum panic attacks she drove to my in-law’s house and climbed into the bed to cuddle me, before taking my husband and I over to her house (because she thought being in my childhood home might help.) I’ve gotten to witness the absolute joy she gets from being a grandmother and I’ve seen her struggle at times with understanding when it’s time for her to step back and allow us to make our own decisions as parents without her input. I had the privilege of watching her come into her own as a valued member of local political campaigns over the years and I learned everything I know about living with crushing grief from watching her (and the rest of her family) handle the loss of her beloved sister almost 26 years ago to suicide with dignity and grace.

It’s the same story with my maternal grandmother, as well as my father’s favorite Aunt. I’ve been very fortunate to grow up in a family with several very strong and tough (in our own unique ways) female role models to look up to and my daughter is fortunate to be growing up with several in the family now too - her great-grandmother, both her grandmothers, several Aunts, and me too. I already see little glimmers of our stubbornness, feistiness, and compassion in her (and my nephews) and it makes me so proud of who she is as a little person.  

This is the nicest thing I have read on here in a while.

I can not say my mother and yours are exactly the same, nor that I recognized her in your description of your own Mom. But I agree completly with the sentiment. I wish I could tell her as beautifully as you did. I am slowly starting to realized how much she has influenced my way of seeing life and the adult I have become. She has thought me about life, sometimes by what she told us but often by her actions. Even to this day, after rtirering, she does amazing work in her community, by volunteering and being president of a ton of organization for families and childcare.

Since I left home a few years ago, I think I have become more aware of who my mother is as an invidiual. Not as my Mom nor my guardian, but in her, in her own right; with her best qualities and her worst character flaws as well. I am starting to see that despite her strong exterior, she is very fragile inside. I had always seen her as a Momma Bear, because she was always there to defend us, to help us continu along when the road was rough. She was also very no-nonsense in terms of discipline and order at home when growing up. But now I am seeing her being more and more vulnerable with me, opening up more than by just being my mother. It is like I can see the strong-loving mother AND the vulnerable young woman she was and that is still inside of her. She is complex, like all of us humans: insecure at times, strong when needed, loving and funny when relaxed and always caring, with a good heart. I love her to death. She is often one of the only person that can reassure me - maybe her and my sister, in the most difficult of moments. And I can still get so mad at her for a harsh word she throws out there or her lack of understanding. But I know that the person I am, the adult I have become is all thanks to her. She was and still is the matriarch of our family; the one who is holding all of us together and guiding me and my siblings into our adult life. I am the last of the five kids and also last to have kids now. I have seen my siblings starting their family and she has been the beacon to support each of time through it all. Personnally, I still have a few years ahead of me to have kids but if life is kind, she'll be able to be an amazing grandmother to my own kids one day.

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5 hours ago, WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo? said:

From what you've said about the mother, I don't think you need to ever be like her. Who she was wasn't a result of a stage of adulthood. That was her, and you are you. Be yourself until you're a unique 105 year old, kicking butt in the assisted living home!

At 105, I'm going to be the tit-swinging, tie-dye wearing, dope-smoking hell raiser in the nursing home. Actually, at the rate I'm going, the tit-swinging, tie-dye wearing and dope smoking are in my very near future. Then there's the loud music, guitar playing, skinny-dipping (or in my case, chunky dunking), hell raising, partying I plan to do. 

Adulting is HIGHLY overrated. I'm gonna stay an overaged teenager and enjoy every minute of it!!!

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I was very young when I had my first (17) and I missed a lot of his first year because I was trying to finish up high school and get into college. I also did not really get to experience the pregnancy part with him either because I was trying to hide if from my male parental unit (I was terrified he would push me down the stairs so I would miscarry or force me to have abortion, which I did not not want to do (choice is a powerful thing and I am thankful for getting to choose how did and hope others still have the choice best for them)). I did finally get some down time to spend with the kid after he turned one and our life took a giant left turn that left me sitting at home in a foreign country. I really enjoyed that time with him and that age. I don't know if it was just him. I finally decided to have another child last year even though my husband would have been totally fine with just the one we had, I wanted to finally have the experience and I was sure I was going to enjoy it. No, no I did not. I hated being pregnant much to my surprise. I had a horrible experience at birth and will never (God willing) need to birth a child again. It also turns out, despite having what I can only describe as a "well behaved baby"*, I am not a baby person. This was a huge surprise to me. I literally am the only person willing to admit I am looking forward to his first birthday next week in my entire FB baby group with like 100 active members. They are all crying and I am counting down to not needing to feel this "baby pressure" anymore. I adore this kid, both of them actually. They are excellent children, but we have decided that if we still want more children in a couple of years that we want to look into adopting a child at least 18 months old already. I cannot birth another child after what happened with this one (I mean physically I could, but mentally just thinking about it is too much and I am terrified what would happen) and I am not hung up on needing a baby. It was cute and I am so thankful I got to experience it completely once, but it is not for me. I truly look forward to the coming years with this kid and am reminding myself that the "sad" teenage years are not forever it is just part of learning about emotions (and though it is killing me, he is normal sad, not a cause for worry yet, just hard to deal with), on the other hand, his sarcasm makes for great fun.

I also really just wanted to say those of you posting about the strong moms/grandmas/aunts in your families have inspired me to be a better mother/take a look at the parts I think I need to fix in me. I don't want my kids to feel about me the way I feel about my mom. I love her because she is mom and that is about it. She did a couple of things that were great ideas and I have brought into my own life, but for the most part she was not a great mom. I raised myself and while I am more or less proud of the person I have become, it sucks to not have an example or a trusted person to go to. I know I want to be different from that, but your stories have made me see that I don't have to be perfect to make the kind of impact on my children I hope for, to raise them to be good and confident people, and to give them a strong person in their life to come back to when they need it. Thank you for sharing (and being examples to me yourselves).

*I don't know what else to call a baby who is apparently so concerned with his public image he did not even bother to cry at an allergy test, for his bottle, or because he was tired yesterday and smiled for the dentist. I was exhausted from all of it, he waited until we go home to let us know how he felt about it all. He does this all the time!?!? Seriously, he will not make a peep during Mass even when it runs late into his lunch time until we are home. We tested him by going to the store after Mass once (with the bottle in the bag just in case) and not a cry. If I am a minute late with his bottle at home? He screams until I am done. He is a strange one.

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@StraightOuttaArkansas

So many things to say about your post.  I'm horrified that your first pregnancy was so completely awful and proud of you for getting through it with yourself and your baby intact.

As for finding you hated being pregnant the second time around, that's not unheard of.  I could give examples of people I know who were shocked at how differently they felt about their different pregnancies.  There's so many reasons why one can be easier or harder when you take into consideration maternal age, emotional and financial differences, expectations, etc.

The same is true for what happens after you give birth.  You're a different person from when you carried your first child, your whole life is different, your expectations are different, and you gave birth to a different child.  The two experiences will have had some obvious similarities, and some surprising differences.

As for your baby being so well behaved in public but breaking down at home, I've heard of that, even had it happen a few times with my own kids.  It's because they hold their stress in until they're back in a safe environment and then they can let it all out.  Some kids only have to be near a parent to let it all hang out, and others want to be with their parents in their own home before they can relax, but it's all the same in the end.  Your kid feels so much better around you, he can release all the negativity and bask in your presence.

Parenting is mostly a learned behavior.  We've all heard of people who had horrible childhoods and became stellar parents.  I think they were able to reject what they grew up with and seek out better examples of parenting so they had other models to emulate.  Be it from watching kids shows, seeing how the parents of their peers behaved, or got time with other relatives or even foster care, they took those better examples and ran with them.

You didn't have a mother who protected or nurtured you as a child.  But you are able to love and have an understanding of what you want for your own children.  You're taking the good from your own childhood, making sure you don't repeat the bad things, and are forging yourself into a woman who will give to your own children what you missed out on.  You know that if you want to expand your family adoption is how you want to do it.  

Again, I'm proud of you.  For what you've already accomplished and what you're going to go on to do.

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3 hours ago, StraightOuttaArkansas said:

I was very young when I had my first (17) and I missed a lot of his first year because I was trying to finish up high school and get into college. I also did not really get to experience the pregnancy part with him either because I was trying to hide if from my male parental unit (I was terrified he would push me down the stairs so I would miscarry or force me to have abortion, which I did not not want to do (choice is a powerful thing and I am thankful for getting to choose how did and hope others still have the choice best for them)). I did finally get some down time to spend with the kid after he turned one and our life took a giant left turn that left me sitting at home in a foreign country. I really enjoyed that time with him and that age. I don't know if it was just him. I finally decided to have another child last year even though my husband would have been totally fine with just the one we had, I wanted to finally have the experience and I was sure I was going to enjoy it. No, no I did not. I hated being pregnant much to my surprise. I had a horrible experience at birth and will never (God willing) need to birth a child again. It also turns out, despite having what I can only describe as a "well behaved baby"*, I am not a baby person. This was a huge surprise to me. I literally am the only person willing to admit I am looking forward to his first birthday next week in my entire FB baby group with like 100 active members. They are all crying and I am counting down to not needing to feel this "baby pressure" anymore. I adore this kid, both of them actually. They are excellent children, but we have decided that if we still want more children in a couple of years that we want to look into adopting a child at least 18 months old already. I cannot birth another child after what happened with this one (I mean physically I could, but mentally just thinking about it is too much and I am terrified what would happen) and I am not hung up on needing a baby. It was cute and I am so thankful I got to experience it completely once, but it is not for me. I truly look forward to the coming years with this kid and am reminding myself that the "sad" teenage years are not forever it is just part of learning about emotions (and though it is killing me, he is normal sad, not a cause for worry yet, just hard to deal with), on the other hand, his sarcasm makes for great fun.

I also really just wanted to say those of you posting about the strong moms/grandmas/aunts in your families have inspired me to be a better mother/take a look at the parts I think I need to fix in me. I don't want my kids to feel about me the way I feel about my mom. I love her because she is mom and that is about it. She did a couple of things that were great ideas and I have brought into my own life, but for the most part she was not a great mom. I raised myself and while I am more or less proud of the person I have become, it sucks to not have an example or a trusted person to go to. I know I want to be different from that, but your stories have made me see that I don't have to be perfect to make the kind of impact on my children I hope for, to raise them to be good and confident people, and to give them a strong person in their life to come back to when they need it. Thank you for sharing (and being examples to me yourselves).

*I don't know what else to call a baby who is apparently so concerned with his public image he did not even bother to cry at an allergy test, for his bottle, or because he was tired yesterday and smiled for the dentist. I was exhausted from all of it, he waited until we go home to let us know how he felt about it all. He does this all the time!?!? Seriously, he will not make a peep during Mass even when it runs late into his lunch time until we are home. We tested him by going to the store after Mass once (with the bottle in the bag just in case) and not a cry. If I am a minute late with his bottle at home? He screams until I am done. He is a strange one.

I think the most important thing to remember us that kids are smart and they know when someone is trying and when they aren’t. It doesn’t matter that you aren’t a perfect parent, but it does matter very much that you’re doing the best you can. They’ll understand that and appreciate your effort more and more as they grow to adulthood. 

(As for your baby crying once you get home, maybe he does that because it’s where he feels safest. Crying can be a very vulnerable moment for even very young kids and some people don’t like to show that vulnerability if they don’t feel genuinely safe. So it could be a really positive sign that he only really cries around you and your husband - it could be a sign that you guys make him feel very safe and he feels comfortable showing that side of himself to you. I know it’s still really frustrating though and I’m sorry it’s been so rough for you.) 

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@Flossie thank you so much for you kind words, really really thank you!

also Flossie and @VelociRapture that is a really interesting point that I had not considered. We really thought he just knew somehow he was in public and wanted to be cute, but feeling safe at home is not something that had occurred to me (probably for obvious reasons). That is amazing that babies so young can recognize home as a safe place and have the personalities that developed already (e.g. only in private letting emotions out). I will definitely keep that in mind as he gets older and make sure to help him if we can't get home. Thanks you two!

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