Josiah & Lauren 13: Drift, Duggars, Drift (Miscarriage Content Warning)

[nickelodeon]

The idea of reality shows and tabloids making a teenager's miscarriage a plotline really, really bothers me. A miscarrying 19-year-old doesn't need cameras in her face demanding that she perform her own pain for the audience. I hope that's not what's going on. I hope that it was really Lauren's choice to have this filmed and publicized.

[HarryPotterFan]

As devastating as a miscarriage is for anyone, I can’t help but wonder if it’s harder in some ways for fundies. JB and Michelle blamed themselves for sinning and causing her miscarriage. Do Josiah and Lauren blame themselves? Do others think badly of them and think they sinned? That would make everything so much harder than it already is.

I have a friend who is Mormon and posted about struggling with secondary fertility and having so much pressure to have more kids. It was hard without getting crap from other community members. 

It just seems like this pressure to have kids, outside normal societal standards and desire to have them, and judgement about being punished or gifted by G-d would be so devastating on mental health.

[Carm_88]

I feel so bad for Lauren. I hope that she realizes that miscarriages are common and that it's nothing that she did that caused the miscarriage. It's no one's fault. It has to be hard to have gone through that and I hope that she gets any help that she needs to recover physically and mentally. 

[SassyPants]

Private moments and lives should never be for sale. Children’s lives absolutely should never be for sale. 

And this situation indicates the downside of making your family and life a commodity for others’ consumption!

[PainfullyAware]

In their Instagram post on the topic I think it's heartbreaking that she says they're sharing the news because the constant questions and expectations about if they are pregnant yet are too hard to bear.

That's such awful news for them, and I hope they're getting the help and support that they need to grieve and heal. Developing infertility (my experience) or having miscarriages sets you apart from everyone else, and can make you feel somehow different or cut off, like everyone else is running around in the sunshine but you're standing in shadow. I can only imagine that this feeling is enhanced when your life revolves around your fertility potential as a woman, and not having other aspect of your life to put yourself into like work or hobbies or volunteering. I try to put myself into my projects as a distraction and something else to give me a sense of purpose in life.

She probably doesn't want to hang out with other young women her age who happen to to also have kids, but it must be hard to avoid. I hope she has some kind of work at the church or work in the family business to occupy some of her time,  other than keeping house and visiting sisters-in-law and their offspring. The constant pregnancy announcements, gender reveal parties and birth stories must be torturous. If she is also engaging in self-blame for some perceived sin that might have caused this, that must only make things harder. I hope she has some sensible older women around her who can tell her that this is not her fault and that it's all too common.

Hopefully she gets a sense of meaning from sharing her story and that's why she's doing it. Connecting with other people who have shared experiences and validating each others' feelings can be therapeutic so I hope that's what's happening here.

 

Edited February 11, 2019 by PainfullyAware

[VineHeart137]

SiRen posted a message about their loss on Instagram as well. They make a point to say to other loss parents that it's "not your fault" so hopefully neither of them is harboring any guilt that they are being punished by God for something.

 

[AtlanticTug]

To clarify for some (I had 6 losses at various times, some very early, some very late):

When people speak of "early" miscarriage, I think that most times what they actually mean is a chemical pregnancy. This is a pregnancy that ends very early BEFORE you are able to visualize a fetus on ultrasound. It's give or take but most people will say 6 weeks for sake of simplicity (you can see the yolk sac around 5 weeks and fetal pole just before 6 weeks). These are no less devastating or sad, but physically they are also a lot easier. Most of them are like a heavier period, you may not even have worse cramping, though you may. If a sac has formed, you will pass it sometimes intact, sometimes not.

Once you see a fetus on an ultrasound, you move to your classical definition of miscarriage. Not clear to me which she suffered from. Either way, I wish that they weren't on TV and could grieve for this on their own. It must be especially difficult to suffer a loss when you're surrounded by seemingly super fertile sisters-in-law who are just popping them out left, right and center.

[JordynDarby5]

I'm sorry about the miscarriage and feel bad for Lauren and Josiah. That's terrible. I too hope it was their choice to speak about it and not forced to.

[Anna Bolinas]

TLC is absolutely not above this kind of exploitation, and I'm not surprised they're doing this to Lauren. On 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days, they showed one of the couples (Paul and Karine, for any other 90 Day fans) going to the doctor and learning they had miscarried and needed surgery to remove the fetus. They straight up had cameras in the hospital room as poor Karine, who isn't much older than Lauren, took in this news. I just hope that Josiah and Lauren's family are supporting her during this.

[Bad Wolf]

I feel for them. Filming her crying, just seems unnecessarily cruel.

[Carm_88]

Didn't Anna have a miscarriage? Or am I remembering incorrectly? 

[AtlanticTug]

2 minutes ago, Carm_88 said:

Didn't Anna have a miscarriage? Or am I remembering incorrectly? 

She had a chemical pregnancy between Mack & Michael I think.

[zygote373]

They just did an interview about the miscarriage on a morning show.

 

[Alisamer]

10 minutes ago, JordynDarby5 said:

I'm sorry about the miscarriage and feel bad for Lauren and Josiah. That's terrible. I too hope it was their choice to speak about it and not forced to.

Same. I hope they are allowed to process this and not feel pressured to talk about it on camera, or to be more public about any subsequent pregnancies than they are comfortable with.

 

And on a completely different note - that was Rock N Roller Coaster they were in line for! Multiple inversions, accelerated launch, awesome ride. AND they blast Aerosmith songs the entire ride. It's very rock themed and I'm amazed they rode such a thing. I kind of hope they got "Love in an Elevator" as their song. I'd have loved to see their faces when Stephen Tyler screamed in their ears before the launch.

[Sullie06]

My heart breaks for them. I lost my first pregnancy as well. It literally changed my life and how I looked at pregnancy moving forward. My first loss was at 9wks and we had told nobody we were pregnant. Having to tell our parents that they were going to be Grandparents and not be in the same breath was devastating. Then to make things even better it took us 2.5 years to conceive again. Thankfully we went on to have a successful pregnancy but then suffered another loss after the birth of our son at 12 weeks.  I can whole-heartedly relate to what they are feeling especially being asked over and over if you are pregnant or when your going to be. I'm not fundie and got asked that a million times in the 6 years between our marriage and the birth of our oldest child. 

[SassyPants]

22 minutes ago, Anna Bolinas said:

TLC is absolutely not above this kind of exploitation, and I'm not surprised they're doing this to Lauren. On 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days, they showed one of the couples (Paul and Karine, for any other 90 Day fans) going to the doctor and learning they had miscarried and needed surgery to remove the fetus. They straight up had cameras in the hospital room as poor Karine, who isn't much older than Lauren, took in this news. I just hope that Josiah and Lauren's family are supporting her during this.

TLC is a business. The goal of a business is to make money. I put this on JB and M for the decisions that they made long ago: having  too many children to self support, and severely restricting the education and life experiences of those same children to very much limit their future options for self support. It’s a horrible cycle. 

Derick is a douche, but how ever and whomever made the decision for the Dillards to exit the TV life, it was a good for that family and especially the young Dillard boys. 

[Abstract]

Due to some poor planning, poor choices, and bad circumstances, I ended up being pretty much a stay-at-home wife for 5 years before finally becoming pregnant. It was awful. Besides the longing for a baby and not being able to have one, I didn’t fit in with the stay-at-home moms or with the career women, even in my conservative church (way to the left of the Duggars, but way to the right of FJ). Then I had an early scare with dd and spent a week thinking I was going to miscarry. I would not wish infertility/miscarriage on anyone. 

 

[luv2laugh]

Where is the TLC video of Lauren crying? I am disgusted with TLC's exploitation of the Duggars (except for Michelle and JB because they asked for it).  Lauren is only 18 and has been sheltered her entire life. TLC will do anything for ratings, even if it means filming the Duggars at their lowest moments. I hate Derick Dillard and believe he is the biggest douche next to Josh, but I'm starting to wonder if TLC refused to stop filming Jill, immediately, after the birth of Sam, at an extremely low, personal moment which caused them to get off the show...

Edited February 11, 2019 by luv2laugh

[SassyPants]

5 minutes ago, luv2laugh said:

Where is the TLC video of Lauren crying? I am disgusted with TLC's exploitation of the Duggars (except for Michelle and JB because they asked for it).  Lauren is only 18 and has been sheltered her entire life. TLC will do anything for ratings, even if it means filming the Duggars at their lowest moments. I hate Derick Dillard but I'm starting to wonder if TLC refused to stop filming Jill, immediately, after the birth of Sam, at an extremely low, personal moment which caused them to get off the show...

It a shame too that another aspect of selling away the family is that it raised the family’s living conditions so greatly, and giving those kids a taste of the good life that they would have never experienced without those TV dollars. For most people going back to the less than good old days is very difficult. Here’s where I give Jill credit. I think of all the adult Duggars, she is one of the few who has the personality that could handle going back ( as long as she can still be a SAHM). JB and M’s choices took away their kids’ choices. The good life and easy money comes with some possible side effects. Josiah and Lauren are living with one of those side effects, and that really blows.

[Belugaloo]

Ive personally never understood why some some people thought Derick and Jill were fired from the show. I felt like they would've gone on and on about it if they had been kicked off, so the claim that they quit seemed honest to me, and TLC's statement seemed like a typical PR statement rather than an indication that they had been fired. But I wasn't following that closely when it happened so maybe there was something else that indicated they had been fired.

[Mama Mia]

I’m glad they are talking about it, if, as they say in the interview, it is their choice. I like that they shared that it’s not their fault, and that 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. It’s such a common experience and one that people have no idea how to address when it happens, or when it happens to friends/family. 

I am no where near fundie, and was not raised with any sort of guilt mentality around pregnancy. But still - I had a second trimester loss between my second and third child. It was at the same time of year, and 10 years after, I had an abortion ( that I was pressured into ) . I did a lot of blaming myself, feeling it was punishment/ God/ Karma etc... and again, I was not even a church going religious person. I really spun out and kind of went into a mid-life crises as far as decision making - even though I was only 24. Miscarriages can really fuck with your head.  

 

Eta: the most helpful response from a friend that I received was she made sure any baby things were put away, and she bought me a cute outfit ( I was already in maternity clothes, and had a hospital stay following the loss ) , a few escapist books, and some candy. 

Edited February 11, 2019 by Mama Mia

[JesSky03]

I just watched that news interview and I feel so bad for Lauren. The interviewer didn't really seem to have much compassion for their loss and it seemed like Lauren was just trying to keep her voice steady while talking about it. I already said I was pretty open about my losses but I was never filmed for an audience of thousands to watch and dissect my emotions. 

[VelociRapture]

I’ve been very open about this on here, but my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage a day shy of the 6 week mark. We went from ecstatic at the thought of having a baby of our own to completely devastated in just a week. To make matters worse, my sister had given birth to her first child two days before I learned I was pregnant. So we were trying to be supportive and happy for them while also struggling with the very genuine grief we felt for our loss. It was a very difficult time in our lives and it took a while before I was able to look at photos of my sister’s family without crying. It'll be exactly three years on February 27th and I still get a bit emotional about it. The only things I have to remember my loss are a positive pregnancy test with the date on it, a hospital bracelet, and discharge paperwork from the ER stating I had a miscarriage*. It’s a very lonely feeling to grieve for a very wanted future you’ll never have. I hope that sharing their experience brings Lauren and Si comfort. 

And I fully agree with others that the loss completely changed how I felt about pregnancy moving forward. I found out I was pregnant with my daughter just over two months after my loss and I spent the entire pregnancy worried that something would go wrong. I was just starting to relax and think things would be fine when she was born six weeks prematurely. If I’m lucky enough to concieve again then I know I’m going to be an even worse mess than last time. 

*I kept one of the positive tests from my second pregnancy as well. I honestly don’t know why I kept them. I guess it just brings me comfort or something. 

[allthegoodnamesrgone]

3 hours ago, nickelodeon said:

The idea of reality shows and tabloids making a teenager's miscarriage a plotline really, really bothers me. A miscarrying 19-year-old doesn't need cameras in her face demanding that she perform her own pain for the audience. I hope that's not what's going on. I hope that it was really Lauren's choice to have this filmed and publicized.

Spoiler

She may find comfort in talking about it, I have one friend who talks about her miscarriage (at 10 weeks) 10/12 years ago, openly and freely and she always has, she says it makes the baby more real for her and like it is her way of remembering the child.  She isn't fundy, in fact she's atheist, I have another friend (used to be) who didn't even tell me she HAD a miscarriage until the day that would have been her actual due date, she said only her husband knew, they didn't tell anyone. They are both EXTREMELY private people, and she wasn't going to tell me, I just happened to run into her that day at Target, and she was standing in the baby section crying.  So of course I went up to her and asked her what was wrong, and she told me, and then made me promise to NEVER speak of it again. I told her that if she ever wanted to talk about it I was there, but I wouldn't bring up or tell anyone unless she wanted me too, this was probably 14/15 years ago now.  We are no longer friends, but I would still never betray her trust, because as much as I can't stand her personally any longer, that is a loss I wouldn't even wish on Ivanka Trump (and I FUCKING HATE HER). 

I view talking or not talking about miscarriage like choosing to abort or keep the baby, it isn't my business and it is MOM'S CHOICE in how it is handled, and neither way is right or wrong, because it is a painfully personal choice.  I offer my ear if they want to talk, but I also tell them I won't bring it up if they don't. 

I put my reply in a spoiler, probably doesn't need it, but you never know, when speaking of miscarriage. 

Edited February 11, 2019 by allthegoodnamesrgone

[Buzzard]

The Duggars filmed one of their children falling and seriously harming himself when they were in Atlanta.  Michelle and Boob staged finding out that Jubilee had died in utero.  SO HELP ME RUFUS IF THEY STAGE/FILM/AIR ANY PART OF THIS TEENAGER MISCARRYING.