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HerNameIsBuffy

Bro Gary Hawkins 9: He still makes my dinner come back up

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wallysmommy

West Virginia -- the magnet state for crazy fundies.  I can say this because my dad's family is from/many still live in WV, and some of them are all over the board on doctrine and crazy theology.  I am thankful to the Good Lord every day that when my dad discharged from the Army in 1957, he refused to go back to WV and took the first train south and landed in New Orleans.

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Alisamer

Hey Gary, if frying turkey is a skill you have, I'm betting you can find a Bojangles to hire you on at least seasonally. You could work during the week, and have weekends off because students who work there are available on weekends and evenings usually. You'd get a discount on chicken, too, I'd bet, which would help Becky out sometimes. You'd still have plenty of weekend time to go preachin.

If you do check into this, please let us know which Bo's you end up at, so I can avoid it.

dammit now I want chicken supremes. 

Edited by Alisamer
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Walking Cat Bed

He'd LOVE working somewhere like Chik-Fil-A (due to the "Christian" environment).

 

Until he had to actually work.

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Don'tlikekoolaid

Bro Gary’s dad really created a whip for his own back.  I imagine Dad supplies the turkey after he drove to pick them all up at the broken van/bus/truck/whatever.  Then has to drive them back to broken whatever and then get roped in to helping fix the engine.  Should have sent him to real school and then to learn a Trade.

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Spinosaurus

Did the Bro get straight into the Yee-haw Jesus and Weens Ministry after he came out of prison for child molestation, or did he try to get a proper job first?

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keepercjr
16 hours ago, Spinosaurus said:

Did the Bro get straight into the Yee-haw Jesus and Weens Ministry after he came out of prison for child molestation, or did he try to get a proper job first?

As far as I understand he only got probation but he does have that felony on his record.  If I remember correctly, one of their early “prayer” letters mentioned him working odd jobs.  And his brother in law has tried to get him to drive some sort of truck for good money (according to Gary) but no,  our Bro. Ween is too lazy for that.  I have no idea what his life consisted of when he was married to his ex wife but I don’t think he was a traveling grifter yet.

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Spinosaurus

Basically, then, Bro G has done nothing with his life except travel around eating weens?

I'm not saying that everyone who doesn't have a job is wasting their life.  You could volunteer for charity.  You could stay at home and raise your children.  You could even, if it's your thing, go around and hold revivals and bring people to the lord.  Gary could do that; not on his own, perhaps, but he could volunteer for an evangelical ministry.  He could take a course in remedial English and use his facebook page to post chirpy and inspiring... things... and videos of him demonstrating love for god's people and showing their activities  (yay we're all going to the park would you like to come COME AND GET PREACHED AT), rather than using it to pimp out crappy jewellery and overpriced toothpaste and beg for money.  He could liaise with local ministers if he could stop shouting for twenty seconds.  He could use local contacts and knowledge (is there a farmers' market or a fair?  When and where are there most people around to leaflet or love-bomb?) to target efforts more effectively.  Or if he's too stupid for that he can always hand out leaflets, engage people in conversation and plug Jesus whenever asked.  I am an atheist and I can think of this stuff off the top of my head.  It is not that complicated.

Gary's method of spreading the word of the lord and/or providing encouragement to god's people seems to be:

1.  Turn up at a church.

2.  Shout a lot.

3.  Ask for money to go away.

If you believe in a god and want to spend your life trying to get other people to join you, that's one thing.  But to actually manage that you'll probably need to - oh, that word.  That bad, rude word.  Work. 

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Happy
PumaLover

OK folks, I've had a shitty couple of days and needed some Bro Gary humor. Thanks to all of you for your posts! 

It took me forever to figure out how to post a screen shot from a PC laptop. I have to ask every time but I think I've finally got the hang of it. 

I keep reading this as, "OK folks, look up your redemption." And then the other two words don't make any sense. Is there someone here who speaks fluent KJB that can translate this for me? I'm guessing it translates to, "the rapture is coming soon?" (I mean, John David DID just get married...)

Redemption.png

Edited by PumaLover
duh... forgot the screenshot!
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MarblesMom
On 11/24/2018 at 8:42 PM, keepercjr said:

As far as I understand he only got probation but he does have that felony on his record.

Was it a felony or a misdemeanor?  Don't felons get parole and misdemeanors get probation?

I would not want to state someone had a felony if they did in fact not.  

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Meh
Katzchen24
On 11/25/2018 at 9:52 PM, Spinosaurus said:

1.  Turn up at a church.

2.  Shout a lot.

3.  Ask for money to go away.

There's a recurring character in the late, great Terry Pratchett's books called Foul Ole Ron who uses precisely this technique. He shows up somewhere wealthy, makes a lot of noise until he's given money to go away. I hadn't previously appreciated the parallels. Foul Ole Ron also only occasionally intersects with reality, which is something our Gazza appears to do as well. 

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Flossie

I remember hearing many years ago about a man in the UK who made his money collecting debts from businessmen who were in arrears.  He'd put animal feces in his pockets and go sit in the office until he was paid.  He was able to do this because he had no sense of smell, but everyone around him could smell him.

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Don'tlikekoolaid
14 hours ago, Katzchen24 said:

There's a recurring character in the late, great Terry Pratchett's books called Foul Ole Ron who uses precisely this technique. He shows up somewhere wealthy, makes a lot of noise until he's given money to go away. I hadn't previously appreciated the parallels. Foul Ole Ron also only occasionally intersects with reality, which is something our Gazza appears to do as well. 

I hadn’t heard of good ol Foul before but there is a resemblance to Bro Gary, especially after a big ol weens dinner!

Or preaching (HAYMAYUN)!!! Oh God the hat!!!😂

Spoiler

2BABBEDB-09A1-460A-8CC4-BCCC395A1CC0.jpeg.7258c1c9615ae099c7d5819e05029a4a.jpeg

 

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zeebaneighba
16 hours ago, PumaLover said:

OK folks, I've had a shitty couple of days and needed some Bro Gary humor. Thanks to all of you for your posts! 

It took me forever to figure out how to post a screen shot from a PC laptop. I have to ask every time but I think I've finally got the hang of it. 

I keep reading this as, "OK folks, look up your redemption." And then the other two words don't make any sense. Is there someone here who speaks fluent KJB that can translate this for me? I'm guessing it translates to, "the rapture is coming soon?" (I mean, John David DID just get married...)

Redemption.png

Not a KJV expert, but it would make more sense with at comma after up:

"Look up, your redemption draweth nigh."  

Holy cow; I looked up the verse and found a site with 5 zillion comparative translations.

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libriatrix
16 hours ago, PumaLover said:

OK folks, I've had a shitty couple of days and needed some Bro Gary humor. Thanks to all of you for your posts! 

It took me forever to figure out how to post a screen shot from a PC laptop. I have to ask every time but I think I've finally got the hang of it. 

I keep reading this as, "OK folks, look up your redemption." And then the other two words don't make any sense. Is there someone here who speaks fluent KJB that can translate this for me? I'm guessing it translates to, "the rapture is coming soon?" (I mean, John David DID just get married...)

Redemption.png

Draweth = draws

nigh = near
 

The above comment about inserting a comma after "look up" is also helpful. Disappointingly, this is just classic KJV English with a comma taken out, and not Weenese. 

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Spinosaurus

I love the fact that Bro G starts off all his quotes from Scripture, the Word of God, which you would think a Christian would probably take quite seriously, with a conversational 'Ok folks.'

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Dandruff
1 hour ago, Spinosaurus said:

I love the fact that Bro G starts off all his quotes from Scripture, the Word of God, which you would think a Christian would probably take quite seriously, with a conversational 'Ok folks.'

His spelling, usage, and grammar also leave quite a bit to be desired.  Seems very disrespectful of his scripture, given that "saving souls" requires effective communication.  I believe he could do better if he put some effort into it...perhaps he really doesn't care enough to bother.

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keepercjr
18 hours ago, MarblesMom said:

Was it a felony or a misdemeanor?  Don't felons get parole and misdemeanors get probation?

I would not want to state someone had a felony if they did in fact not.  

Here is the official record from NC

https://webapps.doc.state.nc.us/opi/viewoffender.do?method=view&offenderID=0174434&searchLastName=Hawkins&searchFirstName=William&listurl=pagelistoffendersearchresults&listpage=1

Edited by keepercjr

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Don'tlikekoolaid

OK Folks, Bro Gary says we don’t need Jesus.  What a fool.  Doesn’t he read what he writes?   Personally I would love a day when nothing happened.

Spoiler

E7CD094D-597A-4F6F-B927-F4A80EEDC03C.thumb.png.4fb7e89ad37cec6f5d3c1b24110c5e5f.png

 

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Don'tlikekoolaid

Looks like bad weather and lack of help and money have derailed the engine repair till Spring or never.  They should sell all the used vehicles they have laying around and buy a good van or something.  Forget about the f**king tent, it’s not worth the expense of what’s needed to haul and set it up.  Did he get those chairs?  I’ll give him one thing, he doesn’t give up easily.

Spoiler

4C9B01A7-D549-43B4-AF43-84C7056CAECD.jpeg.d790b3d0e31acef99ffc1a55808b126b.jpeg

 

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Alisamer

Wow, that quote from Gary makes it sound like everything in the world is Jesus's fault. Like a teacher giving questionable advice about the class bully. "If you let him bother you, he'll never stop. Just ignore him, and he'll eventually go away."

I think that's the opposite of what he means. Words have meaning, Gary, as does punctuation. If you spell them wrong or leave them out, it can change that meaning. 

I vote Gary as "Fundie most likely to accidentally summon a demon". At some point he may combine just the right group of spelling errors to summon something. 

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FullOfGravy
Quote

OK folks I have failed GOD.

If the God of the Bible does in fact exist, I suspect He'd agree.

Quote

GOD has never failed me.

I dunno, Gary, God was kind of asleep on the job the day He was doling out brains.

1 hour ago, Alisamer said:

I vote Gary as "Fundie most likely to accidentally summon a demon". At some point he may combine just the right group of spelling errors to summon something. 

OK (folks), I legit snorted at this.  If a room full of monkeys with typewriters should eventually produce Shakespeare, by the same principle, Bro Gary with his phone keyboard should eventually summon some eldritch horror.

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Katzchen24
3 hours ago, Alisamer said:

I vote Gary as "Fundie most likely to accidentally summon a demon". At some point he may combine just the right group of spelling errors to summon something. 

Hilarious! 😈

And then he'll drive around for 6 months grifting for the stuff to banish it with.

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Starrynight
3 hours ago, Alisamer said:

 

I vote Gary as "Fundie most likely to accidentally summon a demon". At some point he may combine just the right group of spelling errors to summon something. 

This is so funny! Love the imagery of it! 😆

Too bad there really aren’t demons... he deserves a visit from one if anyone does.

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