Duggars by the Dozen 35: Five Months with no Pregnant Duggars. How much longer will it last?

[Meggo]

My mom's cousin started asking us about babies when we got engaged. Every.single.family.event. "Soooooo - anything new to report?" or "soooooo - when can we expect a baby...?" 

And finally we just got bitchy. Anything new to report? "Why YES! I am just thrilled to announce that my cat has started pooping in the litter box again! Isn't that great!" 
New little bundle on the way? "You know - we just don't know HOW to have a baby - can you tell us how babies are made? Here's some paper - please draw it out." 

I had one client who also felt it was appropriate to ask and I just turned to him and said "Not my department." and that's all I would say. Whose department is it? Not mine. Is it your husbands? Not my department. But when? Not my department. Are you just making this up? Not my department. It did shut him up. 

Also - adding to the "what not to say" list? 
Don't say "But if you just stop trying - you'll get pregnant!" or "But if you adopt - you'll get pregnant!" 
Uh - not how biology works, don't tell me to stop trying when that is all I have done for years and years and years - because I don't know HOW to stop. (and that didn't work before we really started trying either). And adoption as a way to get pregnant is just mean.

[Bad Wolf]

@twoandthrough. Interesting about fighter pilots. Wolf Boy is a submariner, and they say the same thing, that they're more likely to have girls. They had a  boy.

[mango_fandango]

People are obsessed with the idea of what’s called a pigeon pair, aka one boy one girl. It’s fucking ridiculous, really, that most people’s idea of a “perfect family” is man, woman, son, daughter. There are so many other types of family these days!! 

I don’t have kids yet. But the whole parenting thing sounds like a bloody minefield, from even before you’ve conceived! I’m eternally lucky that my family isn’t obsessed with the idea of me having a boyfriend/getting married. For various reasons I haven’t had any kind of relationship yet, and I’m grateful that nobody asks about my relationship status, because it’s none of their fucking business.

[HerNameIsBuffy]

1 minute ago, mango_fandango said:

People are obsessed with the idea of what’s called a pigeon pair, aka one boy one girl. It’s fucking ridiculous, really, that most people’s idea of a “perfect family” is man, woman, son, daughter. There are so many other types of family these days!! 

I don’t have kids yet. But the whole parenting thing sounds like a bloody minefield, from even before you’ve conceived! I’m eternally lucky that my family isn’t obsessed with the idea of me having a boyfriend/getting married. For various reasons I haven’t even done a single thing romantically yet (so no kisses/dates/sex) and I’m grateful that nobody asks about my relationship status, because it’s none of their fucking business.

This.  When my second child was a girl I was told by someone, “oh good, one of each!  You can stop now.”

fuck them.  My other son was very wanted ...we didn’t have him as a spare.

[AtlanticTug]

20 minutes ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

This.  When my second child was a girl I was told by someone, “oh good, one of each!  You can stop now.”

fuck them.  My other son was very wanted ...we didn’t have him as a spare.

I had my tubes removed after my daughter. We had 1 boy and 1 girl, but also 5 IVFs and 6 miscarriages. I couldn't put my body through this anymore. Multiple people have said to me "you wouldn't have had your tubes removed if you'd had a second boy." Oh you bet your ass I would!!

[Snarkasarus Rex]

52 minutes ago, Bad Wolf said:

@twoandthrough. Interesting about fighter pilots. Wolf Boy is a submariner, and they say the same thing, that they're more likely to have girls. They had a  boy.

My husband wasn't a fighter pilot, but also flew a plane with a radar.  We have two girls.   

Of the people we know who fly planes with radars, 75% of their offspring are female.  So it is a running joke.

[feministxtian]

when I had boy #2 I had 3 girls and 2 boys (including stepdaughters). I'd get shit about 'needing one more boy to even out the numbers'. Had it been up to me and IF I could have been guaranteed a boy, I might have gone for it. 

But...that's about as sensitive as asking 2 of my friends who had 4 boys each "when are you going to try for a girl". 

If anyone asked me what I wanted, I'd say full term and healthy. Beyond that, folks would get the stink eye. 

[fluffernutter]

My 2nd daughter is 21 and enjoying college. She has only had a boyfriend maybe twice, and they never lasted more than a few weeks. So now her grandma (my mil, who is the bane of my existence), who is on facebook, sees pics of my daughter with any male at all- young ones, old ones, it doesn't matter, if they are male and human she just has to ask us if that's a boyfriend. She's 21. We aren't building up her hope chest and dowry so just relax, Grandma. 

[SapphireSlytherin]

Ex boyfriend — a Zoomie — is a pilot. Has two boys and a girl. 

[VelociRapture]

11 hours ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

This.  When my second child was a girl I was told by someone, “oh good, one of each!  You can stop now.”

fuck them.  My other son was very wanted ...we didn’t have him as a spare.

My sister has two pretty adorable boys (not that I’m in any way biased in their favor or anything) and the youngest is only 5 months. Her MIL already started trying the whole “next one will be a girl thing!” My sister just looked at her, firmly said she was happy with her boys, her shop was closed, and if she wanted a granddaughter she could talk to her other kids about it. 

[clueliss]

In the do not ask area:

Don't ask women (in my case I was in my 40s) why they haven't had children.  Also why they're not married/didn't get married/not interested in marriage (my father's brother did that last one to me).  (the former was a variety of folks including people at church which I now recognize as perhaps a way of sussing out if I was LGBTQ)

[twoandthrough]

17 hours ago, Bad Wolf said:

@twoandthrough. Interesting about fighter pilots. Wolf Boy is a submariner, and they say the same thing, that they're more likely to have girls. They had a  boy.

That's so interesting! We do know several fellow pilots who have boys, but the vast majority have daughters! 

[Sullie06]

I hate the “when are you having kids” question. My husband and I were married young (21 and 23) and chose not to have kids right away. We were married 4 years when we got pregnant the first time. That ended in miscarriage and started out infertility journey. We struggled for 3 years after that. Did every test around, meds, 9 failed IUIs, procedures to clear my tubes before finally conceiving our son. In that time I heard over and over from family, co workers, friends who didn’t know what was happening “when are you having kids?”, “what are you waiting for?” Etc. It was heartbreaking. After our son was born it was immediately “don’t to want to try for a girl?” As if our son wasn’t good enough. We then had another miscarriage before our daughter did come along. I tied my tubes.....2 is enough

[SassyPantswithASideofClass]

9 minutes ago, Sullie06 said:

I hate the “when are you having kids” question. My husband and I were married young (21 and 23) and chose not to have kids right away. We were married 4 years when we got pregnant the first time. That ended in miscarriage and started out infertility journey. We struggled for 3 years after that. Did every test around, meds, 9 failed IUIs, procedures to clear my tubes before finally conceiving our son. In that time I heard over and over from family, co workers, friends who didn’t know what was happening “when are you having kids?”, “what are you waiting for?” Etc. It was heartbreaking. After our son was born it was immediately “don’t to want to try for a girl?” As if our son wasn’t good enough. We then had another miscarriage before our daughter did come along. I tied my tubes.....2 is enough

Agreed! I mean I have one munchkin (over a year old)  but I am constantly getting asked when munchkin will get a sibling. I finally got fed up and said when it happens, if it happens you will be the last to know. Hell I might get my kiddo a dog as a sibling.

[JordynDarby5]

I hate that people think its totally okay to make comments like that. I hate that crap. Its rude, crappy and they should be called out for it. I understand being shocked and not able to say anything. Its just crappy people think its totally okay to ask when your having kids, that if you have two kids especially a boy or girl you should be done, you shouldn't have three kids unless your first two are boys or girls then they "understand", or tell you that you should have a boy, or girl as if you control that crap or couldn't possibly be happy to have all sons or all girls or one kid.

My brother and sister-in-law have had that crap for all the years before they had kids. When are you having kids? Don't you want kids? Even though they had answered that question so many times that they wanted to wait until after my sister-in-law finished school and get settled into teaching for a couple years. It took longer then they thought because she didn't like the first school she taught and they moved a couple times. And who cares? Its up to them. Then got endless grief and questions after their son was born when are they having another one even though they only wanted one kid. How could a couple possibly want only one kid? Sure they'd change their mind, their son needed a sibling, and asking if there was a reason they only wanted one kid. No, they just wanted one. My cousin and his wife got grief for deciding to have a third kid. The other half "understood" they had two girls and of course they were trying for a boy. No, they wanted three kids. When their son was born they got endless questions about having a fourth so they could have a second son and be even? A friend of mine at work announced she and her husband were expecting their third kid and so many people were confused and didn't understand. Because they had one of each so why on earth would they be having a third? Because they wanted three kids. You'd think people committed a crime rather then deciding for themselves or with their spouse how many kids they wanted and totally picked the gender the way people react. Why is it any of their business? Who cares? As so many people have already said much better on this thread not everyone is able have children with no problems. Having one child or two or no children you don't know if they had trouble conceiving, used fertility treatments, medical problems came up or not. You don't know what they went through or if they chose the child or children they have. And once again. Its none of their business. 

[SassyPantswithASideofClass]

7 minutes ago, JordynDarby5 said:

I hate that people think its totally okay to make comments like that. I hate that crap. Its rude, crappy and they should be called out for it. I understand being shocked and not able to say anything. Its just crappy people think its totally okay to ask when your having kids, that if you have two kids especially a boy or girl you should be done, you shouldn't have three kids unless your first two are boys or girls then they "understand", or tell you that you should have a boy, or girl as if you control that crap or couldn't possibly be happy to have all sons or all girls or one kid.

My brother and sister-in-law have had that crap for all the years before they had kids. When are you having kids? Don't you want kids? Even though they had answered that question so many times that they wanted to wait until after my sister-in-law finished school and set settled into teaching for a couple years. It took longer then they thought because she didn't like the first school she taught and they moved a couple times. And who cares? Its up to them. Then got endless grief and questions after their son was born when are they having another one even though they only wanted one kid. How could a couple possibly want only one kid? Sure they'd change their mind, their son needed a sibling, and asking if there was a reason they only wanted one kid. No, they just wanted one. My cousin and his wife got grief for deciding to have a third kid. The other half "understood" they had two girls and of course they were trying for a boy. No, they wanted three kids. When their son was born they got endless questions about having a fourth so they could have a second son and be even? A friend of mine at work announced she and her husband were expecting their third kid and so many people were confused and didn't understand. Because they had one of each so why on earth would they be having a third? Because they wanted three kids. You'd think people committed a crime rather then deciding for themselves or with their spouse how many kids they wanted and totally picked the gender the way people react. Why is it any of their business? Who cares? As so many people have already said much better on this thread not everyone is able have children with no problems. Having one child or two or no children you don't know if they had trouble conceiving, used fertility treatments, medical problems came up or not. You don't know what they went through or if they chose the child or children they have. And once again. Its none of their business. 

My best friend and her hubby tried for a number of years, several failed IVFs, miscarriages and so on. It broke my heart to watch them go through it. It broke my heart even more when my best friend would tell me all the mean and cruel things that were said. She is now getting ready to have a baby in several months and we all are beyond thrilled. Auntie here  . I started crying when she told me  (tears of joy)  However we are all holding our breath at the same time. Know what I mean?

[feministxtian]

1 hour ago, SassyPantswithASideofClass said:

My best friend and her hubby tried for a number of years, several failed IVFs, miscarriages and so on. It broke my heart to watch them go through it. It broke my heart even more when my best friend would tell me all the mean and cruel things that were said. She is now getting ready to have a baby in several months and we all are beyond thrilled. Auntie here  . I started crying when she told me  (tears of joy)  However we are all holding our breath at the same time. Know what I mean?

Wishing your bf and her hubs much joy (and sleep) to come. If it's ok, I will keep them in my thoughts (prayers too if you want). 

I've had many friends who have been joyfully surprised...especially as a few of them got pregnant after having the same surgery my husband did. One friend has been blessed with FOUR healthy kids after surgery. 

Let this crazy cyber-Nona know how it goes, Please? Now, to get this dust out of my eyes...

[Baxter]

Long before I was pregnant, my MIL asked me when my sister was pregnant if my parents were disappointed that she was having a girl rather than a boy. I was so taken back by the comment at the time that I just looked at her oddly and said of course they were happy she was having a girl. This was the first grandchild for my parents so my MIL obviously thought that anything but a boy would be a disappointment.

Our first child was a boy. I really had no experiences with little boys. I have two sisters, mostly female cousins, most of my friends growing up also only had sisters so the thought of having a boy threw me for a bit of a loop. No idea what I was going to do with a boy, lol. Of course, when he was born (as I logically knew would happen), I thought he was perfect and how could he be anything other than what he was. Now that I am pregnant with our second, my MIL asked me if I hoped it was a girl in front of my son which I thought was deeply inappropriate. We subsequently found out it is a girl although I felt a bit of mixed emotions about that too since my son is so lovely. Now, I just feel happy about it. I knew either way that this would be our last child, boy or girl. I hate being pregnant and two just seemed like the right number.

But I can't believe how people think that it is okay to give unsolicited comments about this stuff.

[Sullie06]

3 hours ago, SassyPantswithASideofClass said:

Agreed! I mean I have one munchkin (over a year old)  but I am constantly getting asked when munchkin will get a sibling. I finally got fed up and said when it happens, if it happens you will be the last to know. Hell I might get my kiddo a dog as a sibling.

Yes! Get the dog ? 

i just don’t get why people feel the need to worry so much about my family. How about we will have the number of kids we want, when and if we want them and name them what we chose!!

[VelociRapture]

2 hours ago, Sullie06 said:

Yes! Get the dog ? 

i just don’t get why people feel the need to worry so much about my family. How about we will have the number of kids we want, when and if we want them and name them what we chose!!

I agree. Get the dog @SassyPantswithASideofClass. At least a dog wouldn’t shriek like a goddamn demon child* when you’re trying to put her to bed and you’re on your very last nerve.**

*Said with as much love as I can bring myself to muster right now. Parenting is really hard sometimes.

**Unless that dog is my dog, but I don’t think my dog is actually a dog. More like a dog, cat, fox, raccoon hybrid or something. 

[SapphireSlytherin]

41 minutes ago, VelociRapture said:

Parenting is really hard sometimes.

It really is. I'm sorry today was tough. Or at least bedtime was tough.

 

[feministxtian]

Parenting is HARD!! You're dealing with a small-sized human who can't talk or a larger sized human who WON'T talk. My kids were brats...some of it had to do with the upheaval from my divorce, some of it had to do with the mother chittering away in their ears that their mother was crazy and shit. The good news is that they've all outgrown the asshole-ness and are really neat people. Spent half my day (at work no less!) talking with #1 and #2 sons. #1 son is selling his corvette and can't wait to visit mom in just over a week. #2 son was fixing his truck and of course, needed mom's advice. #1 daughter is in Idaho working this week and she'll probably regale me with tales of BFE Idaho this weekend. 

Just remember, whatever stage they're in, it's only a stage. Being a mom is a hard, almost impossible job, but worth pretty much every minute of it (well, except at 3am with a crying baby who won't go back to sleep, or an almost 2 year old who's a little tornado of destruction, or well...anyway...)

[Daisy0322]

I have a 16 month old, people ask me all the time when we're having another. I usually smile and say I'd love another but not sure when. Then if they keep pushing I tell them I ve only had one period since my son has been born and if they'd like to discuss this with my 26 year old ovaries they are more than welcome. (For some reason since I'm 26 I should just be able to make eye contact and get knocked up according to some) I don't know why I'm not ovulating either and trust me it's more frustrating for me than you. Then they usually regret the conversation.

@VelociRapture parenting is hard! I feel you. From everything I've ever heard/ read you say though, it sounds like your a wonderful, caring, kind mother! So don't be too hard on yourself. I know rough bed times always make me feel guilty personally.

 

[feministxtian]

3 minutes ago, Daisy0322 said:

I have a 16 month old, people ask me all the time when we're having another. I usually smile and say I'd love another but not sure when. Then if they keep pushing I tell them I ve only had one period since my son has been born and if they'd like to discuss this with my 26 year old ovaries they are more than welcome. (For some reason since I'm 26 I should just be able to make eye contact and get knocked up according to some) I don't know why I'm not ovulating either and trust me it's more frustrating for me than you. Then they usually regret the conversation.

@VelociRapture parenting is hard! I feel you. From everything I've ever heard/ read you say though, it sounds like your a wonderful, caring, kind mother! So don't be too hard on yourself. I know rough bed times always make me feel guilty personally.

 

If I may offer a wee bit of advice in situations like these...

1. Tell them you will give their advice all the attention it's due...NONE.

2. Tell them if they'd like to get pregnant for you, go right ahead.

If #1 and #2 doesn't work, then tell them to shut the fuck up and go away. 

Yes, I've done all three. 

[Daisy0322]

6 minutes ago, feministxtian said:

If I may offer a wee bit of advice in situations like these...

1. Tell them you will give their advice all the attention it's due...NONE.

2. Tell them if they'd like to get pregnant for you, go right ahead.

If #1 and #2 doesn't work, then tell them to shut the fuck up and go away. 

Yes, I've done all three. 

I tend to think some of them mean well. I do frequently talk about how I want more kids so I kinda feel like I bring it on myself too that's why I try to be nice at first. Before I knew it was rude I asked people the same. My family is gigantic and it's a question that many of them don't see an issue with so I didn't realize it was rude until i was 21 or 22