John David and Abbie 6: Flying Off to the Honeymoon

[Four is Enough]

With the First Husband, I used a hyphenated last name......with the hyphen, it was 16 characters. No thank you, Miss RN, signing my name a hundred times a day... when I got the divorce, (short marriage) I changed my name back legally on everything apparently, except my social security card.... now over 30 years later, I had to go to my state of residence during that debacle and get certified copies of my marriage and divorce decree and then I have to go to the SS office to straighten this out.. it ought to be fun.

With Mr. Four, I kept my name, and I have had nothing but crap from people about it since.

"How do you expect people to know you're married if you don't take his name?" Well if people don't know I'm married by the way I ACT, they won't, will they? Names have nothing to do with it.

"What will you name the kids?" Well, ONE, we might not have had kids, so None of Your Business, but I was content with naming my kids with my husband's name. If I didn't have a brother with kids, that idea may have been different.

"Do you want people to call you Mrs?" Why not, or they can call me MIZ... Ms. which I actually prefer.

"Centuries of people took their husband's name. Why don't you?" Frankly, I don't see the need. 

 

Mr. Four, after 32 years of marriage, still gets angry when someone calls him Mr. My Last Name. I do my best to keep his fragile ego intact, by introducing him as "This is Mr. His last Name, my husband" but frankly, people don't pay attention.

I wish we didn't have "customs" and people could do as they pleased without censure.

 

[Meggo]

I should clarify - family has NO IDEA how to address things because I kept my name. His family sticks with Mr & Mrs. HisLast or First & First Hislast.

My family has NO idea. I have an aunt type person (she's my mom's cousin) and she refuses to acknowledge that I kept my last name. (because she believes the crowning achievement of a woman's life is that she's a wife & mother. Which - yes, is great - but she's been on me to get married since I was 18 and then when I did get married - she regularly asked when we'd have a baby. That was fun while going through infertility treatment...) 

But one reason I kept my name - I felt like friends from high school or even my own cousin - I lost contact with them and couldn't FIND them again because they didn't have THEIR names anymore. And a friend got married youngish, changed her name, got divorced a year later and there was debate about which name she should have - and then she got remarried and her middle name became her first married name - and I was like "this is too confusing! Keep your name!!!" 

 

[Jana814]

I have a friend who’s parents got divorced when he was 4 in 1984. His mother never changed her name back to her maiden name. Part of the reason was she wanted to match her kids. But the other reason was her maiden name was very hard to say & spell.  

[singsingsing]

I plan to change my last name to my husband's last name if I ever get married. Unless I like his last name less than my current one, in which case I'll keep mine. Either way, I've got a surname with a patriarchal root anyway.

[SamiKatz]

I was actually surprised when my niece married and changed her name to her husband's without hesitation, she actually seem surprised when I asked if she was going to do so.  Every single one of her friends who married also changed their last name as well.  Just something I found interesting for the late 20s/early 30s crowd.

If I married, I would not change my last name unless the new one was something very cool.  I dated a guy with the last name O'Neill at one time, and I would have taken that surname easily.  Very literary!

[BachelorToTheRapture]

I took my husband's last name because it's important to him to pass it on if we have kids, I have 3 brothers who may pass mine on. If we have kids I'd want to match them. It's also easier to match him in a lot of situations. Plus as an added bonus I moved my last name to middle and got rid of a middle name I hated!

[SapphireSlytherin]

I took my husband's last name because I was SO FUCKING TIRED of being last in everything (seating charts, roll call, distribution lists, etc.). Now I'm very near the front of the line and it's awesome.

[elliha]

23 minutes ago, Four is Enough said:

With the First Husband, I used a hyphenated last name......with the hyphen, it was 16 characters. No thank you, Miss RN, signing my name a hundred times a day... when I got the divorce, (short marriage) I changed my name back legally on everything apparently, except my social security card.... now over 30 years later, I had to go to my state of residence during that debacle and get certified copies of my marriage and divorce decree and then I have to go to the SS office to straighten this out.. it ought to be fun.

With Mr. Four, I kept my name, and I have had nothing but crap from people about it since.

"How do you expect people to know you're married if you don't take his name?" Well if people don't know I'm married by the way I ACT, they won't, will they? Names have nothing to do with it.

"What will you name the kids?" Well, ONE, we might not have had kids, so None of Your Business, but I was content with naming my kids with my husband's name. If I didn't have a brother with kids, that idea may have been different.

"Do you want people to call you Mrs?" Why not, or they can call me MIZ... Ms. which I actually prefer.

"Centuries of people took their husband's name. Why don't you?" Frankly, I don't see the need. 

 

Mr. Four, after 32 years of marriage, still gets angry when someone calls him Mr. My Last Name. I do my best to keep his fragile ego intact, by introducing him as "This is Mr. His last Name, my husband" but frankly, people don't pay attention.

I wish we didn't have "customs" and people could do as they pleased without censure.

 

Thankfully my country doesn't really use last names that much but I have still gotten many strange comments about keeping my name.

"How will people know that you are married?" How often is this relevant? I behave more or less the same way married or not in most situations. Sure, when I was single I could have ONS if I liked but once I met my boyfriend I stopped that and as long as I am with him that will not happen whether we are married or not.

"Isn't Mrs. H your mother in your mind?" Well, no, no more than I become my MIL if I had taken his name.

"It is tradition!" Actually for most of my country's history the majority of women were "x daughter" or "x of y farm" and didn't really have last names at all. If I was a die hard traditional I would be named Persdotter (Per's daughter) my whole life and not change my name so you are wrong. 

"It is like you have no alliance with your husband's family!" I am married to him and not the rest of them. He knows we are married, that is enough.

"How did you decide which name to give to your kids?" My family is huge and there are already 7 grandchildren who got my family name (originally, one has since married and changed her name) and my husband is an only child. He also felt more strongly that he wanted our children to have his last name so they got his. I joke that I am fine with this because then I will know if they like mine better if they decide to change their name to mine (which we have both made clear is fine if they feel like it)

To be honest, I have thought of hyphenating but completely eliminating my own name feels strange. I see my last name as much a part of me as my first names. People don't change them when they marry so why the last name really? I am fine with other people doing things in other ways but this is what I am comfortable with. 

 

[Jana814]

I have a dog client who didn’t change her name when she got married. Both her & her husband’s last names start with an “S”. So as far as monograms that wouldn’t have been an issue.  (They have a few things that are monogrammed). I think even if she hasn’t married someone who’s last name started with the same letter as her she still would have kept her last name. I even have them separated in my phone with their last names. 

[SassyPants]

My daughter lives in So America and is married. In the Latin culture, everyone has 2 last names. Now, my daughter did not change her last name or add his. Her name is C...O.... Her daughter is C...O...O... (both my daughter and her husband have surnames that begin with the letter O). At school she is called Mrs. her last name. In school, the kids have to write all 3 names (first, last, last) names on their papers. My GD is in Pre-K and is having to learn to write her first name, long middle name, dad's last name and finally mom's last name. What a PITA, LOL

[Jana814]

4 minutes ago, SapphireSlytherin said:

I took my husband's last name because I was SO FUCKING TIRED of being last in everything (seating charts, roll call, distribution lists, etc.). Now I'm very near the front of the line and it's awesome.

Love this. My last name starts with a “B”. If i was to get married I wouldn’t want to change my name because I like being on top of the list. 

[Four is Enough]

7 minutes ago, SapphireSlytherin said:

I took my husband's last name because I was SO FUCKING TIRED of being last in everything (seating charts, roll call, distribution lists, etc.). Now I'm very near the front of the line and it's awesome.

It would have been the exact opposite for me.. I'm at the top of the alphabet; he's at the bottom. Our kids have been close to or dead last in nearly everything. Maybe I SHOULD have given them my name, LOL!

[VelociRapture]

18 minutes ago, SamiKatz said:

I was actually surprised when my niece married and changed her name to her husband's without hesitation, she actually seem surprised when I asked if she was going to do so.  Every single one of her friends who married also changed their last name as well.  Just something I found interesting for the late 20s/early 30s crowd.

If I married, I would not change my last name unless the new one was something very cool.  I dated a guy with the last name O'Neill at one time, and I would have taken that surname easily.  Very literary!

I’m in my early 30s at the moment and I changed my name after marrying in my late-20s. I considered keeping my maiden name, but decided not to for a few reasons:

- I was mainly considering it for my father’s sake. His last name will die out of our branch of the family after my generation because three of us are females who chose to give our kids their fathers’ last names and the remaining male chose to take our mother’s much more common and Irish maiden name when he was transitioning. Keeping it simply for my father's sake so I could delay the inevitable was not a good enough reason for me.*

- I like my maiden name, but it’s a harsh, long and rare in my area German name. Everyone I know with that name in my area was related to me and I didn’t like being known as the child/sister/niece/cousin of so-and-so my entire life. My husband’s last name was a musical sounding Italian name that was more common around here and that appealed to me a great deal. So this was a big consideration for me. 

- The least important reason was because I liked the idea of having the same last name as my husband and future kids. I already liked husband’s name and we felt it would go really well with the baby names we liked, so it made sense to me to change my name. 

Not every woman feels pressured to change her name. Some of us choose to do so because we genuinely want to. It would be great if people could just butt out and stop commentating on what name anyone else does or does not choose to use, but I suppose this is just another area where women in some cultures just can’t fucking win regardless of what they decide (though I’ll always admire that those who keep their names or dontchoose to take their husband’s names definitely get more criticism for that choice.)

*My dad did not pressure me by the way. He had said a few times that he wished the name would be continued somehow, but that was it. I think he’s come around to the idea of family traditions and stories continuing to be passed down being more important than the actual name being continued and I’m more than happy to do that. 

[Jana814]

5 minutes ago, Four is Enough said:

It would have been the exact opposite for me.. I'm at the top of the alphabet; he's at the bottom. Our kids have been close to or dead last in nearly everything. Maybe I SHOULD have given them my name, LOL!

I know of someone who’s maiden name was Za. Then she married someone who’s last name was a Zu. 

[SamiKatz]

1 minute ago, VelociRapture said:

 

- I like my maiden name, but it’s a harsh, long and rare in my area German name. Everyone I know with that name in my area was related to me and I didn’t like being known as the child/sister/niece/cousin of so-and-so my entire life. My husband’s last name was a musical sounding Italian name that was more common around here and that appealed to me a great deal. So this was a big consideration for me. 

 

I have two friends in my age range (50s), who were very happy to change their last names from Norwegian and German last names they constantly needed to tell people how to spell and pronounce, to Brown and Smith!   Easy peasy.  

My parents divorced when I was young, and due to the influx of step siblings, and my older sister marrying young, no one in my family had the same last name, and mine does not match my mothers.  Never bothered me at all, and I don't think she cares either.  I do have the same last name as my father though.

[OhNoNike]

@Four is Enough - I could have written a bunch of your post.  Very short first marriage where I changed it... married again and have not changed it.  And I sure get crap from my husband.  His name “means” something (like it’s a real word) and I never wanted to change my name. The first time I changed it, i found it so weird to “not be me” anymore.  My kids have my husbands last name.  One of my children has a name very similar to my maiden. Some, so sometimes I explain that I didn’t name my kid something like, “John Johns” (except more unusual) and the kid has a different last name.  I think my inlaws take exception I’ve never changed it. Husband is bothered but I don’t really care TBH.  We’ve been married almost 10 years and so far, so good with my name.  Occasionally he will get Mr Mylastname.  It’s 2018 and there are lots of variable situations these days. 

[Closed Womb]

I changed my name to my late husband’s last name.  It’s a good name, it made him very happy, and I’m fine with the tradition.  I changed my middle name to my last name.  

He has since passed and I’m STILL proving who I am.  Sometimes I need a marriage certificate and a death certificate for the same transaction.  

My Prince Charming II and I plan to marry.  I told him that I’d be happy to be known by his name socially, but legally I’m keeping Mr. Womb’s name.  It’s just too much of a pain.  (It helps that PCII is also widowed from a happy marriage, so he’s not insulted by the practicality of keeping another man’s name.)

[Four is Enough]

9 minutes ago, Jana814 said:

I know of someone who’s maiden name was Za. Then she married someone who’s last name was a Zu. 

My SIL is in a similar situation.

[LeftCoastLurker]

When I married the practice husband I changed my name simply for the fact that I was so tired of having to spell my last name for everything. When I divorced and married my forever husband I became "first name middle name maiden name married name". Easy for me since total number of letters for my first two names is only 5.

Our children have my husband's last name. 

[SeekingAdventure]

I would easily take another last name if I were to get married, because I don't like my last name all that much. It is a kind of animal, but with one letter difference, and people constantly missspell it. Whenever I point out, it is not written correctly, I get: "No, thats how you write that" - Excuse me, you think you know my last name better than me?

 

It's a PITA

[Jana814]

I know several women who keep their names in a professional way. They are doctors, lawyers and went to med or law school with their maiden names. My parents dermatologist uses her husband’s last name as her professional name. I think because her maiden name is not the best name. 

[VelociRapture]

6 minutes ago, SamiKatz said:

I have two friends in my age range (50s), who were very happy to change their last names from Norwegian and German last names they constantly needed to tell people how to spell and pronounce, to Brown and Smith!   Easy peasy.  

My parents divorced when I was young, and due to the influx of step siblings, and my older sister marrying young, no one in my family had the same last name, and mine does not match my mothers.  Never bothered me at all, and I don't think she cares either.  I do have the same last name as my father though.

Lol! I grew up spelling my last name constantly. I learned early on to just start spelling it for people whether they asked me to or not.  I still have to spell my husband's last name since one letter is different than you’d expect, but it doesn’t really bug me to be honest.

The bigger issue for me was really having everyone immediately know who I was related to because my mom was very involved in town politics and helping out with campaigns (which was, admittedly, kind of awesome even if she made some enemies.) My Uncle and his family (same last name) lived in the same town as us too. So it was pretty easy for people to guess who’s child/niece I was based solely off my last name.  That, plus my cousin and siblings all went to the same High School as me meant that I really never got to meet anyone who didn’t already have some sort of idea about who I was. I can’t tell you how many times people would be slightly surprised I did/didn’t have X, Y, or Z as a personality trait because of preconceived ideas of who I was based off my last name. I also had one person (a middle aged woman) make multiple posts of a political nature on the “Springfield”* Patch blog I did when I was in my late teens, despite the fact that it was focused on literature and books - all because this woman was a member of the opposing party that my mom supported (for the record, Mom was and is a Democrat) and she knew I was her kid. Kind of a weird thing to do. I requested she stop once because it was so off topic, then appealed to the Editor who politely told her to stop it. 

Not gonna lie, it’s been really nice for me to have a bit more anonymity since moving out of town and changing my last name. 

*Not my actual hometown.

[SorenaJ]

Why do husbands never take the wife's last name, even if their surname is long, unpronounceable, doesn't sound nice? You never hear it the other way around. 

Not gonna lie, often the reason women cite for changing their surname when they get married is "well that's just what you do." Really?! That's your reason for changing your surname? Doesn't seem like much thought went into that. 

The same with titles? Why do women's title change when they get married? Like why would they have to change their identity but men wouldn't? There are three different titles for women, and one for men?? That's bullshit. 

If I ever become a teacher in UK, I'm going by the title Mx - because it's gender neutral, and doesn't change when you get married. Ohh, and I would love for the kids to go home and tell their parents about it, and for the parents to be miffed and post about that horrible teacher Mx. lastname on mumsnet. 

"I'm doing this and that because it's tradition" -  well so was slavery and diagnosing women with hysteria, doesn't mean it's a good idea. 

[Alisamer]

My aunt, way back in the early 80s, decided to keep her own name when she married - all her degrees were in her name, she was successful in her career in her name, and it didn't make sense to her to upend that by changing it. Over 10 years later she unexpectedly got pregnant, and decided after some thinking to change her last name so the whole family would match.

My last name is so generic, it'd depend on the guy's last name whether I decided to change it. In college I had a male professor who hyphenated his name - so he took hers and she took his. I had a female professor who, with her husband, decided to make up their own new last name to use for both of them. And a friend of mine in college's last name was Kirk. She got engaged to a guy named James T. He took HER last name, for obvious reasons!

I don't much care about the name thing. People should do what they want. I'll have to ask my friend from Iceland sometime what she's doing when she gets married - she lives in the US and no one can pronounce the "dottir" part of her last name right, so she may change it for convenience. Or not. Whatever she chooses will be great.

[VelociRapture]

1 hour ago, Meggo said:

I should clarify - family has NO IDEA how to address things because I kept my name. His family sticks with Mr & Mrs. HisLast or First & First Hislast.

My family has NO idea. I have an aunt type person (she's my mom's cousin) and she refuses to acknowledge that I kept my last name. (because she believes the crowning achievement of a woman's life is that she's a wife & mother. Which - yes, is great - but she's been on me to get married since I was 18 and then when I did get married - she regularly asked when we'd have a baby. That was fun while going through infertility treatment...) 

But one reason I kept my name - I felt like friends from high school or even my own cousin - I lost contact with them and couldn't FIND them again because they didn't have THEIR names anymore. And a friend got married youngish, changed her name, got divorced a year later and there was debate about which name she should have - and then she got remarried and her middle name became her first married name - and I was like "this is too confusing! Keep your name!!!" 

 

We’re friends with a couple who each kept their last names. I usually just address stuff to them by each of their names, like “John Smith and Jane Doe.” Her last name is pretty long so it takes a bit more writing, but I think it’d be kind of disrespectful if I decided to just write “The Smiths.” I feel like she chose to keep her name for a reason and she deserves to be called by it. 

If I really wanted to cut down the writing I could probably just switch to “The Smith & Doe Family” or “The Doe and Smith Family” instead. Regardless, I think using the names of each person is important and I don’t think it should really be that hard to figure out if you give it a tiny bit of thought. I’m sorry that your Aunt figure (and others) hasn’t been supportive of you.