Jana 7: Home Sweet TTH

[Audrey2]

And please correct me if I'm wrong, but don't fundies also have the idea that any woman can marry any man? It seems like they buy into the theory of the Lord put it on my heart to search for a spouse and I looked over and I saw him or I saw her and I knew that the Lord had planned this. I then went to talk to her parents and prayed for and had her parents pray for permission to court her. Upon courting, we discovered that we had the same faith and the same values, so after a couple of months, the Lord put it upon our hearts to marry.

[JordynDarby5]

5 hours ago, singsingsing said:

I think it's more like they're married off to the first crush they have when they're of marriageable age and that crush reciprocates and the families approve. Sometimes I think about how my high school boyfriend and I definitely would've gotten married if we were fundie. We liked each other, I thought he was good looking, we agreed on most things, our families came from similar socio-economic backgrounds. We got together when we were 16/17 and in fundie world probably would've been married around 18/19 and I'd have 8-10 kids by now. In reality, I haven't even seen or heard of him in ~10 years. I think a lot of fundies end up married to people they might have dated for a few months and then split with in the secular world, because they think that having a crush means that God is telling them to marry this person. It's wild.

I think this is really the case. I understand from the perspective of the Fundie kids. Your first Crush and/or first love. Your feeling everything for the first time. Your talking all the time, holding hands, and it seems perfect. Like its never going to end. What I don't understand is the Fundie parents going yep this is God's Chosen one for you instead of acting like any real parent would happy and excited for your son or daughter but also keeping them grounded. As an adult you know the 1st crush or love doesn't rarely ends up being the one. Sure sometimes it does happen but that comes from time and growing together. In most cases it doesn't last more then a few days, weeks or months. Its a first and all the feelings can fade fast or you realize how different you are or a bunch of other reasons. But its how you figure out what you really want. But nope Fundie parents who should know that for some reason don't. Do they really completely believe the very first Crush and/or boyfriend is the one God sent? Why? Fundie parents behave more like the BFFs completely believing along with you that you and him are going to live happily ever after and that you are totally going to marry and have a bunch of babies.   

[Audrey2]

19 minutes ago, JordynDarby5 said:

But its how you figure out what you really want. But nope Fundie parents who should know that for some reason don't. Do they really completely believe the very first Crush and/or boyfriend is the one God sent? Why? Fundie parents behave more like the BFFs completely believing along with you that you and him are going to live happily ever after and that you are totally going to marry and have a bunch of babies.   

I think a lot of this is caused by Purity culture. With their idea about not just being sexually pure when you marry but not giving away heart pieces, I can see the parents pushing for their offspring to marry the first one who shows interest in them so they can remain "pure". this way, they and their offspring can break that their child saved their first kiss for the altar, which means they must have had good parents.

Well I really don't believe this at all, from my time on Free Jinger it seems like there are an awful lot of Fundy parents out there who do.

[TheMustardCardigan]

I hope that when/if Jana decides to court, her waiting longer than her siblings will pay off for her and give her a more mature, balanced, and healthy relationship. No guarantee, of course, but I think it'll help.

[MargaretElliott]

I hope Jana is being selective about her choice of partner. The purity culture thing really disgusts me. I know there are plenty of people who marry quickly, marry young, or both, but those people generally have a little more life experience and were allowed to have things like individuality and opinions. Those go a long way in your ability to choose a life partner.

Like @singsingsing, I often think of my high school/college boyfriend at times. We got together at 17, it took me three years to realize how unhappy I was, and another two to finally break it off. No fault to either of us, we just grew into very different people. But as an idealistic 17-year-old, I was pretty optimistic, couldn't imagine myself with anyone else (which is why it took me so long to break up with him, I think...) If we were fundie, we would have married within a year, I'd have a passel of kidlets, and I'd be downright fucking miserable. Now, I got me a man who COOKS. Mmmmmmm. Potato and chorizo tacos with quick-pickle radishes and onion salad for dinner. Take that, tater tot casserole.

[Snowless]

On 10/14/2018 at 12:40 PM, TheMustardCardigan said:

I hope that when/if Jana decides to court, her waiting longer than her siblings will pay off for her and give her a more mature, balanced, and healthy relationship. No guarantee, of course, but I think it'll help.

I hope that her waiting longer to court has given her time to really think about what she wants in a potential husband; perhaps she has high standards.

I’m definitely as far as it gets from fundie, but I totally get it as to why she’s waited so long.  I’m in my thirties, never married or even been in a relationship, and honestly I just haven’t met any men I thought were worth getting into a relationship with.  It does sadden me, though, that she is in a culture that determines a woman’s worth by the men that are in and run her life.  I never have to worry about that.  Though my father is a believer in Christ, the most he wants from me is to be happy in my life and how I choose to live it.

[CarrotCake]

Jana sent a wedding planning package to Carlin Bates. I never knew they were close.

[Foudeb]

Not marrying is the only birth control Jana is allowed. I don't blame her for wanting a few diaper-free years between her siblings and her own kids. 

[SapphireSlytherin]

3 hours ago, CarrotCake said:

Jana sent a wedding planning package to Carlin Bates. I never knew they were close.

From this context, I'm not sure what was in the package - but I've sent helpful stuff to people I'm not particularly close to.

[CarrotCake]

1 hour ago, SapphireSlytherin said:

From this context, I'm not sure what was in the package - but I've sent helpful stuff to people I'm not particularly close to.

it contained some planning books and what looks like a giftcard for starbucks.

[SapphireSlytherin]

Eh - it's probably old stuff she just had lying around...

 

lol

[Chewing Gum]

On 10/14/2018 at 12:30 AM, JordynDarby5 said:

As an adult you know the 1st crush or love doesn't rarely ends up being the one. Sure sometimes it does happen but that comes from time and growing together. In most cases it doesn't last more then a few days, weeks or months.   

I know right? Which is why I am so surprised at our stepdaughter and her 4 nieces. Not religieus at all, but they all still are with their first crush. Two are with kids or expecting (19, 26, 26), one of them is married and the others (21, 24) are in stable relationships for at least 5 years. They all started when they were 15-16. I’m so surprised at this!

[JordynDarby5]

4 hours ago, Chewing Gum said:

I know right? Which is why I am so surprised at our stepdaughter and her 4 nieces. Not religieus at all, but they all still are with their first crush. Two are with kids or expecting (19, 26, 26), one of them is married and the others (21, 24) are in stable relationships for at least 5 years. They all started when they were 15-16. I’m so surprised at this!

Wow! Yeah, that's really surprising. 

[singsingsing]

I'm just curious, are people using 'first crush' to mean first boyfriend/girlfriend instead? Because I had my first crush when I was like 10. I'm totally sure that there are people out there who are married to literally the first person they liked when they were 10, but I'm guessing they're like 0.0001% of the population, haha!

[mollysmom]

1 hour ago, singsingsing said:

I'm just curious, are people using 'first crush' to mean first boyfriend/girlfriend instead? Because I had my first crush when I was like 10. I'm totally sure that there are people out their who are married to literally the first person they liked when they were 10, but I'm guessing they're like 0.0001% of the population, haha!

Good point!! My first crush was when I was 5. I remember chasing that poor kid around the house trying to kiss him (till I got pulled into my mom's bedroom & my ass whooped because "girls don't chase boys" ?) but I will say, after my divorce 30+ years later, I looked him up on facebook, but he was engaged so I didn't pursue anything.  

[JesusHDuggar]

There have been countless times in my life where I've been in a relationship with someone I didn't "like". But I remained in them because I didn't want to be single, or i  felt that I was supposed to like the person for various reasons. It would be awful to be in one of these courtship relationships. You aren't allowed any doubts. You say "I love you" within the first few days it seems. And if you change your mind you can't back out.  By the time you realize you don't have feelings for someone, Daddy has already arranged your marriage, it's too late.

[eveandadam]

I know several people who married their first relationship. Got together at 13, 15, and 15 and married their husbands 10-15 years later. But interestingly with cheating on the girl's side in two of them during all those years. The guys still married them despite knowing. I cannot imagine marrying the first person I had a relationship with. And, as JesusHDuggar said, I also know the feeling being in a relationship with a person you do not like, not even feel physically attracted to, but I felt I had to be in that relationship because somehow, even though there was not a very religious environment, I felt I had the obligation to be in one.

But first CRUSH? I would say I had mine at about 7 years old. Back in the early 90's, I saw a poster in my cousin's bedroom of...Jonathan Brandis...and 7 year old me instantly fell in love with him :-). I was crushing onhim for the next 10 or so years. When I learnt that he died in 2003 I actually cried and still consider him my first and only straight crush. But, oh well, people say that he is still alive as Adam Kokesh, so who knows...

 

[StraightOuttaArkansas]

@eveandadam Jonathan Brandis was my first crush too. I loved him on Seaquest. I still a collector Tigerbeat that was all about him in a box somewhere.

Re: marrying your first crush. I would not have been a good candidate for this, as it is growing up in the south I married my high school sweetheart, he whisked me away from that hellhole and then I found out who he really was...so yeah. My husband now though, he would have been. He had one GF for a year in high school then a couple of first dates throughout his studies. I met him right when he was giving up for years (he had a post-doc position in another country coming up and thought he would take a dating break then). He had barely ever kissed and was a virgin. He we are five and half years later in what is the best relationship (romantically and otherwise) of my life. I like to think he is happy too As long as it is her choice: I think she is smart for waiting.

[snickers34]

On 10/13/2018 at 5:30 PM, JordynDarby5 said:

I think this is really the case. I understand from the perspective of the Fundie kids. Your first Crush and/or first love. Your feeling everything for the first time. Your talking all the time, holding hands, and it seems perfect. Like its never going to end. What I don't understand is the Fundie parents going yep this is God's Chosen one for you instead of acting like any real parent would happy and excited for your son or daughter but also keeping them grounded. As an adult you know the 1st crush or love doesn't rarely ends up being the one. Sure sometimes it does happen but that comes from time and growing together. In most cases it doesn't last more then a few days, weeks or months. Its a first and all the feelings can fade fast or you realize how different you are or a bunch of other reasons. But its how you figure out what you really want. But nope Fundie parents who should know that for some reason don't. Do they really completely believe the very first Crush and/or boyfriend is the one God sent? Why? Fundie parents behave more like the BFFs completely believing along with you that you and him are going to live happily ever after and that you are totally going to marry and have a bunch of babies.   

Agree with all of this. But I think the reason that the adults approve teenagers getting married could be one or more of the following: 1 - they've created 'rules' around life that they wholeheartedly support so that everything makes sense, or so they think. Women are submissive to men, etc. If you just follow the rules, everything will fall into place, allegedly. 2 - Sometimes people who lucked out and married their first love/crush at 18 and continue to be happy, especially in this context, can't fathom how it wouldn't just work out for everyone. Not implying everyone thinks that way, of course. As insane as JB/Michelle are, I do actually believe they are happily married and it serves as 'proof' that 17-year olds should get married. 3 - Purity is soooo fucking important to them, it's worth protecting at all costs. 4 - There's probably more, but that's my $0.02.

[meep]

My first crush was from watching Boy Meets World and reruns of The Wonder Years - The Savage Brothers! Did not know until a few years ago that they were brothers - makes so much sense! ?

[grandmadugger]

On 10/13/2018 at 10:24 AM, PurpleCats said:

Lord knows it’s hard enough to find a man in the secular world, but add in that your social circle is limited, you can’t use dating apps, and he needs to be the “right sorta” Christian... it’s a miracle there are as many marriages as there are.

Maybe we should write a fundie courting app. 

[snickers34]

1 hour ago, grandmadugger said:

Maybe we should write a fundie courting app. 

fundiematch.com appears to be available....?‍♀️

[PurpleCats]

And then we could sell it to Match.com’s portfolio of companies and be rich forever*

 

(ok maybe not rich but we could afford tater tot casserole for life and have a lot more fundie weddings to snark on.)

[Pecansforeveryone]

@StraightOuttaArkansas, your husband reminds me of my husband with a similar lack of experience. We met at 35 and married at 37. He is one of the kindest, most considerate men I have ever met. I did my share of "there are no good men left before I met him." He changed my mind. 

[NoKidsAndCounting]

Referencing the thread title, I always thought that TTH meant "Tater Tot House" until I looked it up. For real. :-)  If Jana is courting, I hope she finds someone she really loves who will embrace everything about her - someone who will not "allow" her to do anything but just love everything she represents and who is okay with wherever life takes them, whether that means wearing pants, gardening, fundie-lite, no church at all, a small family, big family or whatever they want...as long as they aren't spewing hate every moment.