"Mom of Many," mother of 15 children (13 adopted). Writes about being hated by her children.

[Briefly]

1 hour ago, polecat said:

Time for one of my all-time favorite quotes:

When you choose to have kids, you OWE them your best. That includes apologizing to them whenever appropriate. You don't get to then bitch about how you were this amazing savior and they don't appreciate you. Nope. Because if you did your damned job right, they WILL appreciate you.

Remember the saying that if everyone has a problem with you, then the problem isn't them: It's you? Sure, good parents can have terrible kids (and vice versa, btw). But when you're publicly griping that multiple children hate you and tell similar tales about their upbringing, I'm going to guess that it's not your kids who are the terrible ones. 
 

Please, please read "Toxic Parents." It was life-changing for me.

Yes, whether they or biological or adopted, you owe them your best.  And sometimes parents do need to apologize.

This woman sounds like a narcissist.  She describes some of the children as having no conscience.  She needs to look in the mirror!

I'm kind of infuriated now.  She should never have had any children in her care.

[Ozlsn]

I was thinking about this more last night, and I wonder if she favours - or is perceived to favour - her two non-adopted children over the others. The comments about an easier life etc - does she say them to her children directly? Also is the son in Uganda adopted?

With the new baby in the family and her obviously really upsetting that new parent it makes me think she managed to either say something about the birth parent of that child or about the child's parenting abilities and be completely oblivious to it. New parenthood is a minefield even when you have a great relationship with your parents, so much more when there are tensions.

[JermajestyDuggar]

1 hour ago, Ozlsn said:

I was thinking about this more last night, and I wonder if she favours - or is perceived to favour - her two non-adopted children over the others. The comments about an easier life etc - does she say them to her children directly? Also is the son in Uganda adopted?

With the new baby in the family and her obviously really upsetting that new parent it makes me think she managed to either say something about the birth parent of that child or about the child's parenting abilities and be completely oblivious to it. New parenthood is a minefield even when you have a great relationship with your parents, so much more when there are tensions.

She did write a post about how one of her adopted daughters was an absolute joy to raise. So I imagine they know. 

[MadameOvary]

On 9/1/2018 at 6:08 AM, VVV said:

 

3. This post must be read to be believed. She is utterly, completely unable to see her own behavior from the outside. Choice quote: "There has not been another mother in history that has had as much patience or forgiveness for a child as I have, nor has there been another that has given as much." http://momofmany.net/a-knee-jerk-response/

Positively Trumpian. Let's hope she doesn't get any ideas...

[Terrie]

I have a friend from high school with FAS. I have no doubt that raising such a kid would be really hard, because even being friends with them requires some extra work. But they aren't evil. Like, the filter between their brain and their mouth is often poor, so idle imaginings are spoken like fact. So when they say something crazy outrageous, you sometimes have to wait and ask them again. You don't conclude they are lying on purpose. 

And the yelling thing... "Gee, I know my kid has a trauma history that makes it hard for them to process correction. That's their fault, not mine." She didn't want to raise children, she wanted to raise compliant little cogs who made her look good.

God I want to slap her.

[wild little fox]

I don't hear any love and grace in the quotes posted here. I feel like she is resentful to the children who don't bow and call her blessed. That even though the kids came to her with enormous problems it's the kids fault for not being and acting like she thinks they should. Maybe I'm missing something because I am not reading at the blog but just snips but it's all about her and how she's suffered. Even the way she mentions her adopted kids, I forget the nickname, but it sounds objectifying. What I see is that everything is about her. No. It's supposed to be about the children. She's resentful that things didn't turn out the way she wanted. Or the way she thought God was going to work because of what she thought she was promised. She won't blame herself. Can't blame the blameless sky god. So, it has to be the kids fault. 

[Firebird]

She is bringing back a lot of flashbacks to my own parents. I cut ties with my father after years of emotional and spiritual abuse mixed with some sexual abuse. It took a long time for me to do it, and one of the last things he sent me was a link to a youtube video about kids who always blame their parents. He alsways told me I was to sensitive and took any form of "disobedience" as rebelliousness. He told me that if we lived in Bible times he could have had me stoned. 

[Firebird]

I do agree that some of her posts have elements of truth, but I feel like she is a very severe, judgemental person. She doesnt sound like she is able to self-reflect or admit if she made a mistake. It's always someone else's fault. She had a post about limiting the kids' sugar intake and catching on eof them having a soda. Why would you habe that kind of food around if she was limiting it? That just seems cruel.

[Terrie]

1 hour ago, Firebird said:

She doesnt sound like she is able to self-reflect or admit if she made a mistake. It's always someone else's fault.

All the while, complaining about how the kids don't have the ability to self-reflect and make it all her fault. 

[Hisey]

18 hours ago, Firebird said:

She is bringing back a lot of flashbacks to my own parents. I cut ties with my father after years of emotional and spiritual abuse mixed with some sexual abuse. It took a long time for me to do it, and one of the last things he sent me was a link to a youtube video about kids who always blame their parents. He alsways told me I was to sensitive and took any form of "disobedience" as rebelliousness. He told me that if we lived in Bible times he could have had me stoned. 

Sounds like you did the right thing by cutting ties.

[Four is Enough]

All Four are adopted. Three of them were exposed to drugs and alcohol in utero. Two of them were molested while in foster care. This does not, in any way, make THEM sinners, or less than what they were born to be.

They have ALL been arrested. One of them is serving time in prison. We did kick him out before he was 18. He was a serial thief, and we pressed charges ourselves more than once, when he was a juvenile, in attempts to get him help we alone could not provide. However, we are still in communication, and we still love him. He just can't live with us. He's now 24.

Yes, they've all been arrested, but they were KIDS. They needed support AND a good swift kick in the arse. We used the resources we had available to us to help them see the light.

We took them to church, and we took them to school, and we supported their extracurricular activities, and we provided "enrichment" and therapy and what have you.

We did NOT "choose" them. We are NOT their "saviors". We are NOT the "prime 1%", or whatever nonsense that bitch was spouting. We made mistakes. We grieved over them. We apologized.

What we are, like any parents who are fortunate enough to be given a child to raise, is GRATEFUL, HUMBLED, and a little bit OVERWHELMED at the responsibility, the joy, the fear, the pain, and the craziness of it all #adoptiveparentsjustwanttoloveachild  End of rant.

[NachosFlandersStyle]

7 hours ago, Four is Enough said:

Yes, they've all been arrested, but they were KIDS. They needed support AND a good swift kick in the arse. We used the resources we had available to us to help them see the light.

This is why I'm grateful for my own parents. My little brother (neither of us adopted, fwiw), had a ton of problems with mental health, substance abuse, and the law when he was younger. I've seen my own friends kicked out of the house or disowned by their parents for less. But mine supported him immensely, even when they were furious at him, even when he was furious at them for putting him in rehab or drug-testing him and searching through his stuff. They weren't gonna let him sleep on the street.  They helped him go back to school after he got clean and sober. They worked hard to find him employment when his felony made that difficult. Now he's doing great, living a totally normal and healthy adult life and it's all thanks to their support. It takes more than just discipline and anger to turn someone's life around.

Thank you for doing what you do for your kids, you sound like an amazing parent.

[Inthemadhouse]

Someone should put her in contact with Kimmy of the Mothers and Daughters blog.  They could have a grand time bitching about their adoptive children, all except the one holy child that each of them has.
Who would win the martyr fest?  Mom of Many has more children to complain about but Kimmy has children so special that no one has ever seen anything like them.

Mom of Many's children refuse to dedicate their lives to God, Kimmy's children refuse to dedicate their lives to her.   
I would pay to see this go down

[Aine]

I found this blog and its posts kind of triggering for me to read (good exposure for me though!) and read about 60% of y'all's comments before just deciding to write this.

Society makes it so damn easy for mothers, especially mothers and less so fathers, to get away with crap like this. If a mother says something, it must be true to many people, as 'no one loves a child like its mother.'

This whole attitude let me be abused for years and contributed to the constant back and forth as an adult of wanting to give my own mother, who did fail in every possible way despite whatever reasons and complete malice many times, way too many chances. I still am constantly confronted with people who have no idea of my past saying, "Oh, but she's your mother!" when I mention having no contact with her (I now usually say that she died to random strangers if they bring up my parents to avoid this) or you can literally see the change in facial expression when you say, "I don't have contact with her" from interest to judgement- as in, what did you do wrong?

I have been a foster parent. I have a little half-brother to my mother born with severe FASD and adopted by the most amazing family I could ever hope that anyone could be raised by, especially my brother. They did so much early intervention out of their own pocket, even when he was "just a foster placement" and there was no suggestion in the slightest of adoption. He was meant to be a short-term placement and it kept extending and so finally at 12 months with no guidance from the government agency, they put him in OT and ABA therapy. He's such a great kid. Impulsive, lower full scale IQ, definite facial features of FASD, hyperactive, and he can be incredibly difficult...but the sweetest kid, loving, funny, creative...and so incredibly and unconditionally loved by his adopted family who never ever planned on adopting any child. Now they also have my non-FASD (as far as can be assessed thus far) 20 month old brother too. They are a devout Christian family, somewhat rare in Australia to be so observant, but the true definition of aspiring to be "Christ-like" in their beliefs and actions.

I'm eternally grateful that my brothers, who I had to debate custodial decisions about with myself- I could have ended up with 4 foster sons, all related to me at one point at the age of 21, I already had my 3 nephews when my first brother adopted by that family was born- ended up with the people they did. They involve me as much as possible from the other side of the world but unlike many family members of mine that I'm less close to but who have no one so I worry and feel responsible for them...I don't feel like H (my brother) is really my brother. I love him. But seeing him be loved by others really separates it. I was in the NICU with my youngest half-brother for 3.5 weeks, wondering if I'd take him (my nephews had family reunification from them) with me back to grad school. But the Mom of my other half-brother, who is a grandmother herself now and never had any intention of even adopting H, tag-teamed me in the NICU because I am "H's family so you're our's too." As I was making so many tough decisions all over again, she and her husband offered to take him. It was so genuine although not in any plans. They are the opposite of child-collectors. She said to me one day in the NICU, "You're our family now too and you're achieving awesome things over in the US. You're breaking cycles. You're setting an example for our son, your brother, and also our other children. You'll set an example for this baby. Because you were born to who you were doesn't mean this child is your total responsibility. He's our's too because he's the brother of our son. Sometimes things don't go to plan...this isn't our retirement plan but this is what God wanted. We have love to give and we'll love him unconditionally." I collapsed in her arms. He may still have FASD. I have attention issues after being born addicted to opioids. You don't know and they know that.

Ugh...my point is with this oversharing is that these people, the parents of my brothers, have three biological sons and then two adopted and they take them and love them and accept them all as they are. My bio brothers owe them nothing and I know they'll never make them think that, no matter how difficult any one of them gets. They love them. They made a commitment that they once described to me as 'more serious than even our marriage vows...and we take our marriage vows as absolute law' to my brothers. They care for me through email and FaceTime just because I'm their sons' sister. That is how adoptive parents should be. That's how ALL parents should be. Parents who think they have some caveat to be special and are reinforced by society, are my absolute hate and get under my skin so badly.

[Briefly]

20 hours ago, Aine said:

I found this blog and its posts kind of triggering for me to read (good exposure for me though!) and read about 60% of y'all's comments before just deciding to write this.

Society makes it so damn easy for mothers, especially mothers and less so fathers, to get away with crap like this. If a mother says something, it must be true to many people, as 'no one loves a child like its mother.'

This whole attitude let me be abused for years and contributed to the constant back and forth as an adult of wanting to give my own mother, who did fail in every possible way despite whatever reasons and complete malice many times, way too many chances. I still am constantly confronted with people who have no idea of my past saying, "Oh, but she's your mother!" when I mention having no contact with her (I now usually say that she died to random strangers if they bring up my parents to avoid this) or you can literally see the change in facial expression when you say, "I don't have contact with her" from interest to judgement- as in, what did you do wrong?

I have been a foster parent. I have a little half-brother to my mother born with severe FASD and adopted by the most amazing family I could ever hope that anyone could be raised by, especially my brother. They did so much early intervention out of their own pocket, even when he was "just a foster placement" and there was no suggestion in the slightest of adoption. He was meant to be a short-term placement and it kept extending and so finally at 12 months with no guidance from the government agency, they put him in OT and ABA therapy. He's such a great kid. Impulsive, lower full scale IQ, definite facial features of FASD, hyperactive, and he can be incredibly difficult...but the sweetest kid, loving, funny, creative...and so incredibly and unconditionally loved by his adopted family who never ever planned on adopting any child. Now they also have my non-FASD (as far as can be assessed thus far) 20 month old brother too. They are a devout Christian family, somewhat rare in Australia to be so observant, but the true definition of aspiring to be "Christ-like" in their beliefs and actions.

I'm eternally grateful that my brothers, who I had to debate custodial decisions about with myself- I could have ended up with 4 foster sons, all related to me at one point at the age of 21, I already had my 3 nephews when my first brother adopted by that family was born- ended up with the people they did. They involve me as much as possible from the other side of the world but unlike many family members of mine that I'm less close to but who have no one so I worry and feel responsible for them...I don't feel like H (my brother) is really my brother. I love him. But seeing him be loved by others really separates it. I was in the NICU with my youngest half-brother for 3.5 weeks, wondering if I'd take him (my nephews had family reunification from them) with me back to grad school. But the Mom of my other half-brother, who is a grandmother herself now and never had any intention of even adopting H, tag-teamed me in the NICU because I am "H's family so you're our's too." As I was making so many tough decisions all over again, she and her husband offered to take him. It was so genuine although not in any plans. They are the opposite of child-collectors. She said to me one day in the NICU, "You're our family now too and you're achieving awesome things over in the US. You're breaking cycles. You're setting an example for our son, your brother, and also our other children. You'll set an example for this baby. Because you were born to who you were doesn't mean this child is your total responsibility. He's our's too because he's the brother of our son. Sometimes things don't go to plan...this isn't our retirement plan but this is what God wanted. We have love to give and we'll love him unconditionally." I collapsed in her arms. He may still have FASD. I have attention issues after being born addicted to opioids. You don't know and they know that.

Ugh...my point is with this oversharing is that these people, the parents of my brothers, have three biological sons and then two adopted and they take them and love them and accept them all as they are. My bio brothers owe them nothing and I know they'll never make them think that, no matter how difficult any one of them gets. They love them. They made a commitment that they once described to me as 'more serious than even our marriage vows...and we take our marriage vows as absolute law' to my brothers. They care for me through email and FaceTime just because I'm their sons' sister. That is how adoptive parents should be. That's how ALL parents should be. Parents who think they have some caveat to be special and are reinforced by society, are my absolute hate and get under my skin so badly.

They sound like the most amazing, loving people and I am so glad that your brother has them, that he has you and that you have them as well!

[Lisafer]

@Aine Thank you for sharing your story and the beauty of true parenting. I'm sorry about your bio parent. I'm glad that you have made a good life for yourself in spite of everything. 

[Aine]

22 hours ago, Lisafer said:

@Aine Thank you for sharing your story and the beauty of true parenting. I'm sorry about your bio parent. I'm glad that you have made a good life for yourself in spite of everything. 

Honestly, I am just beyond grateful that these two brothers, who are young enough to be my own sons, have the love and acceptance that I never got. I don't know if my original post made it sound different but their parents and I aren't close. I think they'd like me to be closer to them all than I am because they believe in keeping the bonds but I'm in a PhD program and I never 'knew' the boys really besides the second one and me being with him in the NICU. I know them now as their sons. I keep contact because they send me updates about the boys and their family and texts checking in on how I'm doing and I know they would rather me have more FaceTime/Skype contact than I do. But I 100% feel totally comfortable with the fact that they love those boys as fiercely as I'd have loved them had I decided to keep them to raise myself. I also know that they provide every opportunity possible to those boys, something I would not have been able to do financially, and that their life is so much richer for my brothers being their sons. I'm sure I wouldn't think of it like this at all if I'd taken custody of them, but I would have had to give up so much of what I have worked for to 'break the cycle' if I'd kept them, and it is my number one fear that I may ever end up resenting a child the way my mother did with me. I don't think I would have resented them, I think I know myself well enough for that, but I'd have struggled in many ways if I had kept them and I'm glad that they don't bring a 'struggle' to the life of their family in any way.

Their Mom and Dad call the boys their "pot of gold at either end of their rainbow". They never set out to 'find it' (i.e. adopt any child) but the boys, 6 years apart, are the "treasures they never even dreamed could be" in their words. I have never heard them say the words "biological" or "real" or anything like that. They look at those boys with all the happiness and pride and love that you hope anyone could be looked at with, they treat them with saint-like patience, and they are more well informed than I think I am on FASD and everything to do with it for the older one. They have never expected him (or his brother) to be perfect or to be thankful or anything else. I trust few people on this planet, especially the very religious generally even though I know I shouldn't stereotype, but I think they are just extraordinary human beings. I wish I felt closer to them personally to talk about my life in detail and things but that's on me and not on them- I believe I'd have a place at their table whenever or if-ever I want one though.