Bro Gary Hawkins 8: F is for Felony and No Longer Funny

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

Well folks I just can’t get past the gross habits of Bro, the nose picking and wiping on shirt, the teeth sucking and the lazy recliner posture keep me from the salvation message.  HAYMAYUN!!!  I know we all do gross things but NOT ON CAMERA!!!!   

[PumaLover]

Sounds like I may need wine for this recap so it will have to wait. I have to head to town to get my kid but then I can do it afterwards, if no one else wants to (LOL).

And thanks for the comment about my novel. I started writing it 3 years ago after I read Escape by Carolyn Jessop and then started really working on it this summer, so it's uneven and parts don't make sense. It will probably only ever be self published but that's OK. I just want it to be out there.

[PumaLover]

OK folks, I have no life and barely work so I will make recapping these awful videos my job. Consider it my gift to y'all.

If you don't feel like reading all this, here's the recap: Salvation. Accept Jesus. Read the KJV. He yells about some stuff. 

He looks extra comfy as he preaches today. He's leaning back, propped up by a pillow. Intro is the same as always. If you got out of bed today hallaluyer. Glory to God. God saved his unworthy soul from he'll. He gets to spend eternity in heaven because he accepted Jesus as his lord and savior. What a God he is that he would do that, praise his name. (Serious question–when did that start being the way of being saved? I'm trying to remember my non-heathen days where I still went to church. I remember John 3:16 but don't remember exactly where or if you have to personally accept Jesus. I know it would be a New Testament thing. The first I ever heard of it was my fundie ex and his family. I remember one of our first date nights, I just wanted to make out on the couch with a movie on and all he wanted to do was talk about Jesus.) 

Look at Ephesians–if you're driving down the road, don't look at nothing but the road. Haymayun. (I think listening to this while driving would be far too distracting for me). But if you're able to, turn your bible to Eph. Chapter 2 (wow, he actually has scripcher planned out this time?) just for a couple of minutes here, just give you a thought for the day. The bible says "And you have be quicken (?) who were dead in trespasses and sins. Where in the time passes ye walked according to…"
 

I'm having a really hard time understanding this, and he's having a hard time getting it out. Something about children and disobedience. Something about the lust of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of our flesh. Something about the wrath of others. If you're not saved, you're still right here in this part of the video. You've never been quickened by the Lord. (Is that a thing? Like Quicken Loans? Oh wait, cash only, debt bad.) You're still living for and desiring the flesh (ew, it's gross to hear him say flesh so many times. Stop it.) Desiring things of the world. When you get borned again you'll desire the things of God (He's snapping his fingers.) We have to go to the grocery store, we have to go to work (LOL really?), we're not supposed to do the things of the world. We're supposed to feed the spirit. (I'm hungry but I think it's me, not my spirit that is.) What you feed is what will be of the day. (I need more wine to understand all this and I'm only 3 minutes in.) If you feed the flesh, honey let me tell you what's gonna happen. You will be living as of the flesh (Please, stop saying flesh!!) You need to read your Bible and ponder and think and get in touch with God and you agonize. THEN!!! But these was things we was doing before we was quickened by God. If you're lost you're still not quickened.

He goes on more and more about the grace of god. You have to have faith, take Jesus as your lord and savior. It's a gift of God. Not of yourself. Nothing you can do can get you into heaven. You say you go to church? Hallaluyer, glory to God, but only if you go to a bible believin' church. (OMG I accidentally fast forwarded and he was screaming.) You can get saved. But that ain't gonna get you into Heaven. You can be like the man over there who fasted and did stuff and was glad he's not like the sinner. He's more than a sinner than he thought. Haymayun. Something about borned again. Find a Baptist church, get baptized, find yourself a King James bible. He yells HAYMAYUN and good preachin' if he's doing it. He starts yelling about what you're doing wrong, what is wrong, if you're saved and still doing this stuff God will chasten you. 

He talks about going to heaven not by works. He still is going to mention repentance. It's still necessary for salvation. It's not by works. Yesterday he read over there in 2nd Chronicles, 7:14. We're not seeking his face and that's why our land is not being healed. We're not repentin of our sins. You'll have nothing to boast about when you get to Heaven if you go. 

His phone cuts out and he starts a new video. Talks about quickening again. He sometimes let the flesh rule him. He makes a face and says we do the same thing, when we don't read the bible, when we get too excited, when we get mad it's because we're letting the flesh get in the way. 

OK I gotta try and quote this exactly: "And if you think that I think you don't do that, I'll let you know something, I'm not that big of a fool." Why do we still let the flesh rule after we're saved? Because that's what we feed. What did you feed today? He and his wife got up and had breakfast this morning, and he knows some of us Yankees have lunch at noon but they have dinner, and he yells HAYMAYUN. (Now who's getting excited?) How much of the bible have you read? Good preachin! He'll say haymayun to himself cuz he can't really get church members to say it to him anymore. Jesus is his lord and savior and he was quickened by him and he wants to please him. He goes on and on about salvation not being by works and basically repeats what he previously said in one of the parts earlier. 

He says honey again. He has a gift, he wants to ask a question. He wants to share this with people that can lose their salvation.  Apparently some people don't accept Jesus right and lose their salvation (that's not what our Baptist church taught but I'm sure it wasn't the right kind of Baptist church.) 

He's gonna tell on himself. When he was a kid he would lose his dad's keys and his dad would have to (I think) hotwire the car is what he said. Why? Cuz he had them in his possession and he lost them. A dog starts growling. He doesn't have his salvation. Jesus has it and is holding on to the keys of his heart. The dog barks. I think his yelling is scaring it. He can't lose his salvation. If we can lose ours that's our business. If he could have lost his salvation he would have lost it a long time ago. 

Sometimes he feels like he's not saved. You can't tell by feeling it. He's screaming now. When he's feeling it, it feels good!!!!! By GRACE, through FAITH! OMG he's positively screaming. He's talking in a weird demonic sounding voice. Jeez. I like it, I like it, I like it! Haymayun! Good preachin! 

He's talking about how you know you're saved, for about the 8 billionth time. You don't have to go to church to get saved, but when you get saved you'll want to go to church (Screaming again). Go to Sunday school. If your church has it, go to church on Sunday night. It's sad that we don't have churches with church on Sunday night. (I would never go to night services because that's when the Simpsons was on, hello!). It's SAY-AD! He talks about going to Wednesday night bible study and he sometimes goes to revivals even if he's not the preacher. Still yelling. If you're saved but don't want to go to church, he's a little concerned about your salvation. It made a change in his life. The family is coming in and the dog is barking. LOL A little kid says Grandma. There's a change in Bro, honey. He keeps looking over at the people who are walking by. He doesn't sing Jailhouse Rock, he sings Amazing Grace. He doesn't sing Nothing but the Hound Dog, he sings nothing but the blood of Jesus Christ. He's got a new song in his heart. He says, and those of you signing in, go back and watch it. It's a good video. It's about salvation. (You could have skipped all of my hundreds of paragraphs above because that is the point of this 10+ minute long video). A kid starts screaming. He keeps recording while the kid screams. He gives out his phone number. He wants to preach about Jesus. He doesn't want anyone to go to hell. The end.

[DancingPhalanges]

@PumaLover  I gave you a heart because that was really brave. I wish I could pour you a glass of wine. I have Pino G. and a nice Cabernet. 

Now that you have transcribed it I might torture myself and watch some. 

FJ is good for keeping these kind of fools in the light, just by our discussions. It’s not like he’s trying to live under the radar, he’s actively trying to get in to churches.

They need to know what their getting. Discussing it here while staying away from poking them actively, I believe is the right thing. 

Cheers Sis. 

[MarblesMom]

2 hours ago, PumaLover said:

Something about the lust of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of our flesh.

First off, thanks for the transciption! 

And secondly how much he ignores his own issues.  HAYUMAYEN

[Destiny]

On 9/13/2018 at 7:59 PM, Beermeet said:

Thanks @PumaLover!  Last recap, I watched after your fantastic recap and was disappointed,  you do it better!

So, another asshat that lives in NC that I knew posted this ( see below).  He is so up 45's ass it's unreal. He was safe and evacuated his family inland to a KOA.  But, omfg. Wut?!

 

 

What the actual fucking fuck? FUCK THESE PEOPLE! PEOPLE FUCKING DIED! A lot of them. 

Sorry to interrupt, but this topic gets me hot, and not in the fun sexy way. ARGH.

[PumaLover]

1 hour ago, DancingPhalanges said:

@PumaLover  I gave you a heart because that was really brave. I wish I could pour you a glass of wine. I have Pino G. and a nice Cabernet. 

 

Thanks friend, pinot grigio is my current wine of choice. My all time favorite is pinot noir but red wine triggers the migraines worse than white wine, unfortunately. 

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

Quickened = born by the Spirit .

@PumaLover I send you two fingers of Canada Club whiskey and a 

[Ozlsn]

2 hours ago, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

Quickened = born by the Spirit .

Thank you for that. The only context I've ever heard 'quickening' in is pregnancy (basically an old term for when you start being able to feel movements) so that entire 'preaching' made zero sense to me. 

 

[Dandruff]

14 hours ago, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

Well folks I just can’t get past the gross habits of Bro, the nose picking and wiping on shirt, the teeth sucking and the lazy recliner posture keep me from the salvation message.  HAYMAYUN!!!  I know we all do gross things but NOT ON CAMERA!!!!   

Imagine what he does off camera.  

[Alisamer]

5 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

Thank you for that. The only context I've ever heard 'quickening' in is pregnancy (basically an old term for when you start being able to feel movements) so that entire 'preaching' made zero sense to me. 

I could be wrong, but I THINK that at one point "quickening" in pregnancy was thought of as when God breathed the soul into the fetus? So that's how that word got used for salvation, I think, as it's when you are "born again." So they've decided to keep that word for when you are saved, but if you're talking about abortion... nope. Not a concept anymore!

Gary, if you read this: If you have to yell "Good Preaching!" yourself, it ISN'T. Have one of the kids sit off to the side and yell "Amen" and stuff if you must, but quit trying to be your own congregation.

[keepercjr]

4 hours ago, Alisamer said:

Gary, if you read this: If you have to yell "Good Preaching!" yourself, it ISN'T. Have one of the kids sit off to the side and yell "Amen" and stuff if you must, but quit trying to be your own congregation

This is something that grates on my nerves while watching his videos.  The incessant congratulating and HAYMANS.  I don’t remember if he congratulates himself while preaching in church or not.

[PumaLover]

14 hours ago, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

Quickened = born by the Spirit .

Thank you! I have never heard this before. Back when I was in church I think we used the NIV and so maybe this is a KJV thing? 

And @keepercjr I agree it is so annoying!! He made mention in this video that he has to do it because no one else does, LOL. 

[Ozlsn]

2 hours ago, PumaLover said:

He made mention in this video that he has to do it because no one else does, LOL. 

For crying out loud Gary, buy a freaking clue!! No one thinks you preach well!! Get some honest feedback and work on things like making sense and not preaching in a recliner FFS.

[PumaLover]

3 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

For crying out loud Gary, buy a freaking clue!! No one thinks you preach well!! Get some honest feedback and work on things like making sense and not preaching in a recliner FFS.

Maybe write down a few notes, have a few passages bookmarked in the Bible, practice your speech out loud a few times. My daughter has to memorize a paragraph for her class next week. She only just started and I guarantee you she's more prepared than the Bro will be for his next "Sermon."

[MarblesMom]

Just now, PumaLover said:

Maybe write down a few notes, have a few passages bookmarked in the Bible, practice your speech out loud a few times.

Both the pastors in my church rehearse during the week.  Even for their random FB lives. 

GHaw should take note.

[thoughtful]

On 9/19/2018 at 2:48 PM, Alisamer said:

Gary, if you read this: If you have to yell "Good Preaching!" yourself, it ISN'T. Have one of the kids sit off to the side and yell "Amen" and stuff if you must, but quit trying to be your own congregation.

To the tune of "I'm My Own Grandpa" . . .

Now many many years ago
When he was thirty-three
Gary Hawkins had ambition
That was silly as could be

He dreamed that he could be a preacher
While he stayed in bed.
His father said “Get off your duff:
And please, boy, use your head!”

This made ol’ Gary yell “Gee haw!”
And call out to his wife
“Go make me up some good weens,
I need comfort in my strife!”

I’ll stay in my recliner,
Even though nobody hears,
And yell whatever thoughts come
From the space between my ears.

My little mind can’t understand
That somebody needs to care.
I still need to hear ‘Hay-men!’
Though there’s no one sitting there.

So if I have no list’ners,
That never makes a bother
I’m the question and the answer,
Holy Ghost, the Son, and Father!

I am my own flock!

I am my own flock!
So ‘good preachin!’ I call
’cause I’ve got lots of gall,
I am my own flock!”

 

trying to fix line spacing -- I failed

[Carol]

Well done, Thoughtful!!

[smittykins]

Brava, @thoughtful!

(Unfortunately, I keep seeing "I ATE my own flock." ?)

[FeministShrew]

The preacher at my old church claimed he never rehearsed or made notes. He said it "quenched the spirit," lol. It showed, too.

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, smittykins said:

Unfortunately, I keep seeing "I ATE my own flock." ?)

Knowing Gary's taste in food, that's entirely possible!

I really wanted to keep "I'm my own . . . " but I could not think of a synonym for "congregation" that was two syllables with the accent on the second one, like "grandpa."

So I had to make it "I am" to fit the rhythm.

 

[Briefly]

20 hours ago, thoughtful said:

To the tune of "I'm My Own Grandpa" . . .

Now many many years ago
When he was thirty-three

Gary Hawkins had ambition
That was silly as could be

He dreamed that he could be a preacher
While he stayed in bed.
His father said “Get off your duff:
And please, boy, use your head!”

 

This made ol’ Gary yell “Gee haw!”

And call out to his wife
“Go make me up some good weens,

I need comfort in my strife!”

I’ll stay in my recliner,

Even though nobody hears,

And yell whatever thoughts come

From the space between my ears.

My little mind can’t understand

That somebody needs to care.

I still need to hear ‘Hay-men!’

Though there’s no one sitting there.

So if I have no list’ners,

That never makes a bother

I’m the question and the answer,

Holy Ghost, the Son, and Father!

I am my own flock!

I am my own flock!
So ‘good preachin!’ I call
’cause I’ve got lots of gall,
I am my own flock!”

 

 

Willie!  Pardon me for a minute, I'm a Texan.  I have to go bow in the direction of Willie.  

I can't believe he actually compliments his own preaching!  Actually, I can.  Bro Gary probably thinks he's special, instead of what he really is.

[thoughtful]

Jellybean, thank you!

And I just realized I could have used "I'm my own church flock!"

Ah, the regrets of parodists . . .

[keepercjr]

Gary made another video.  I haven’t watched it yet but I checked out the comments.  This one made me laugh

 

[Carol]

You have to watch it!!  

It appears, based on the noise of swirling water and the fact that Gary appears to be bobbing up and down while recording it, that he is in some sort of container thinking he's safe from the swirling eddies of water and sin that surround him.  It also appears to have a plywood lid that is about to come off any second.

Luckily it's one of his shorter videos but it's still full of admonitions, halleluyers, glory to gods and good preachin if he does say so hisself.