Bro Gary Hawkins 8: F is for Felony and No Longer Funny

[PumaLover]

OK folks, does this guy have anything better to do than just make bad videos all the time? @Carol is right on–looks like he's on a boat, and I'm starting to feel a little seasick. 

It's a great day to be borned again, blah blah blah. It's a beautiful day for the Lord to come back. Are you ready to go to heaven? He repeats this about forty more times.

He's been thinking about salvation and losing your salvation. (I think he covered that ad nauseam in the last video.) Jesus. Haymayun. Jesus has his salvation. Hope you know that you know x4 that Jesus Christ is in your heart. Last report he got from the storm down on the coast, it was up to 36 people. He went to his doctor's office yesterday and the news blew something out of proportion. A young lady, it was her fault that her baby drownded. I guess she was driving down the road and water overtook the car. She couldn't get the baby out. (That's really sad). He goes back to the 36 people that died. You can't judge people. How many of the 36 went to heaven and how many went to hell. For the ones who went to hell, how many times had they rejected the gospel of the Lord?

People was told to evacuate. Some of them stayed. I guess some of them ended up being all right. A 68 year old man, they told him he needed to get out and he refused. That was thursday. On Sunday he tried to  get out on his moped and he drownded. You need to listen to the security guards. We need to listen. Some people didn't want to leave their property. Well you died and now you have no property.

OK listen, he's fixin to make a point, to drive one home. We got a lot of people (he stumbles over his words and I'm not sure what he's saying.) Get out of jail, get out of hell? I think. Accept Jesus. Repent. Nope, I'll wait awhile. I'll be all right. Nobody ever goes to bed thinking tomorrow I'm not going to be here. The good thing about that infant baby that died, it's called life. He could only imagine what that lady feels. She probably isn't sleeping  too well. He doesn't know nothing about the mother. That infant will not have to go to hell. (This bothers me in so many ways!)

He tells a rambling story about his uncle being in heaven with his daughter and he laughs. Well glory Hallaluyer. Sometimes God tries to get your attention. Back to the storm. He's rocking in the recliner. People blame God for the storm. He says, you're gonna blame God for you living on the ocean when you know what could happen? He's going to Texas next month. It could be tornad-er season. He doesn't know. He lived in South Dakota for five years and they had a blackout. Somebody give him an amen!! 

36 people. How many went to heaven, and how many went to hell? If they can find the bodies, they must know where they're at. His phone is chiming and he's about to cut this short since the phone is dying. (Aw bummer). We need to be thinking about God. Souls are going to hell every day. He's trying to save people by telling them the gospel and handing out tracts. The end.

So… I'm not really sure what the point of all that was. Get saved, I guess?

[FullOfGravy]

@PumaLover thank you for sacrificing your time and brainspace, haymayun.

55 minutes ago, PumaLover said:

That infant will not have to go to hell. 

I'm sure that will comfort the poor mother.  You know, as long as she's prone to Andrea Yates-level delusions.  Jesus, Gary.

 

1 hour ago, PumaLover said:

He lived in South Dakota for five years and they had a blackout.

Which is comparable to major flooding and tornadoes...?  I understand that people can and do die in blackouts, but to most of us, they're more of an inconvenience. 

 

1 hour ago, PumaLover said:

36 people. How many went to heaven, and how many went to hell? If they can find the bodies, they must know where they're at.

Is he suggesting that you can look at a corpse and tell whether its soul is in heaven or hell?  Or is he just jumping between disconnected thoughts?  Seeing as it's Bro Gary, I'd believe either one.

[MarblesMom]

And... he's live again.

Looks like a different shirt.

He just said Jesus wrote the Bible.  Again.  I think he really believes this.

Oh shit, he's SINGING.

And all music is evil.  Cept his version, apparently.

.... then he got really, really angry.... and it sort of scared me a bit.  I think he has a side he tries to hide, not well, mind you, that is... ugly.

[Carol]

OK folks, I seriously think Gary is messing with us.  I think he done gone out and buyed a teeny, tiny little toupee to place on top of his big, fat head.  He's stylin and still bobbin.

[Black Aliss]

On 9/17/2018 at 2:02 AM, FullOfGravy said:

Now that's interesting.  I don't know any really hardcore fundies, but went to school with kids whose families were what I'd call fundie-lite.  Without exception, they were all opposed to Sunday shopping.  Some would still go to restaurants after church (because making waitstaff work on the Sabbath is fine, but not retail employees?), but the stricter families wouldn't set foot in any business.  

We still had blue laws in the part of the country where I grew up. The laws did not apply to restaurants, though, and it was okay for Good Christians to go out to eat, as long as they didn't tip their server because to do so would only encourage her to continue to work on Sundays. 

[FullOfGravy]

4 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

it was okay for Good Christians to go out to eat, as long as they didn't tip their server because to do so would only encourage her to continue to work on Sundays. 

Oh, people who use religious hypocrisy to justify being cheapskates are fun.  Did they leave tracts in place of tips too?

You just know that if all the cooks and servers refused to work and the restaurants had to close on Sundays, those Good Christians would throw a fit over it.

[Dandruff]

There once was a fundie called Bro

Who was grifting wherever he'd go

He'd preach up a scene

For a dish of good ween

Or a veehickle needing a tow

[Gobsmacked]

On 22 September 2018 at 5:51 AM, Carol said:

OK folks, I seriously think Gary is messing with us.  I think he done gone out and buyed a teeny, tiny little toupee to place on top of his big, fat head.  He's stylin and still bobbin.

The pastor of the Ministry of bustin' buttons. 

 

[PumaLover]

OK folks, looks like he has another video up. I can't wait to hear what he has to say this time! (Just kidding).

I am going to be down in the city all day but I can recap when I get back unless someone else wants to!

[FullOfGravy]

46 minutes ago, PumaLover said:

OK folks, looks like he has another video up. I can't wait to hear what he has to say this time! (Just kidding).

Fairly innocuous today.  Is the sound always this wonky in his videos, and if so, how in the ween-filled hell do you understand him?

He had a good day yesterday in the house of the Lord, Virginia.  I think he means a church in Virginia, but it sounds like he's calling all of VA the house of the Lord.

Hopes we're all starting the week praising the Lord.

God will save anyone watching this video if they repent.  (Something I didn't catch) Haymayn.

Hell wasn't created for man, woman, or child; it was created for Matthew 25:41.  Yes, he said that Hell was created for a Bible verse.  Then he went on to say that it was created for the devil and his angels, which makes rather more sense.

Do we all know we're on our way to heaven?

He preached last night, all things are possible with Jesus.  Including making sense of his run-on sentences and ramblings, I assume.  Maybe I need more Jesus in my life to do that.

John 3 says we must be born again.  Luke 3, he thinks, says you must repent.

Haymayn.

It's possible to have a growing church in these last days.  He knows we're in the last days now because people aren't interested in God like they used to be, and he's not even sure they were so much into God back way back when.  So then what makes these the last days, GHaw?  Anyway, you can still have a growing church.  Grab your bible and go to church and obey the pastor and the word of God haymayn.

Let God grow your church, not you.  Do what you're commanded.  Bro Gary is apparently commanded to reprove and rebuke.  How convenient.

Haymayn.

He asks God to help him to meet someone today he can tell about Jesus, to help him to have a tract on hand, etc.  All of this is likelier to happen if he gets out of that damned recliner and stops pointing the camera up his nose.

Haymayn.

We have to be separate from the world, can't serve God and mammon, etc.  Today we got the church bein' churchy and the world bein' churchy (I think he meant worldly), whether we agree with him or not, hallelooyer.

(Something about light of the world?)

Your light or Jesus' light, your way or Jesus' way.  Come unto me all ye that are heavy laden and I will give you (pause for thought) rest.  He says he didn't get that quite right, did he?  I think she was talking to a kid, but Becky says "no" at this point, and I snorted.  Jesus is the answer to all your problems.  We should do something for Jesus today, haymayn.

 

[Dandruff]

24 minutes ago, FullOfGravy said:

We should do something for Jesus today, haymayn.

I'm going to snark on Bro, because Jesus can't.

[MarblesMom]

Time for our nightly GHaw installation.  About 2 minutes in, I swear it looked like someone threw something at his head.  He lost the connection.  Darn it.

[Dandruff]

20 minutes ago, MarblesMom said:

Time for our nightly GHaw installation.  About 2 minutes in, I swear it looked like someone threw something at his head.  He lost the connection.  Darn it.

That was a message from the Lawd, Bro.

[MarblesMom]

I was wondering which one of you was within throwing range... 

[Lillymuffin]

Is anyone’s spiritual gift telekenesis? 

[PumaLover]

OK folks, I'm in need of distraction today so I'll recap this latest video. We had a fire down the mountain from us and I'm still very shaken up by it. I'm in California where the mountains burn down yearly, but we haven't even lived here a year yet and fire season should be over! I literally panicked when I realized I might not have time to gather all my animals up. My cats kept running under the bed and I couldn't catch them. We got them loaded and in the vehicles (thanks to Bro I now consistently spell that word vehickle) and all was safe. The firefighters got it out pretty quickly and it appears only one structure was lost. Sadly it seems as though a person and dogs were in there, according to preliminary reports.

Bro is wearing the same damn shirt as the video from the 24th, LOL. He's in the same green recliner. (My husband looks similar to Bro, has the same facial hair and I think the exact same glasses, no joke. Same receding hairline. Same damn green recliner!!! But my husband works hard.) 

Someone is either banging something or sneezing in the background. It's Wednesday. Most churches have their midweek services on Wednesday night. He's wondering how many people will attend. Midweek service is not in the Bible. Where did the midweek service come from, he's not sure. If you want to be biblically correct about church, you go every day. They went every day in the bible. (Can anyone confirm this? I've been a heathen for a long time now). Haymayun. His phone sucks and it's all garbled. It's probably nothing important anyway. Something about your pastor and missionaries. If you expect your pastor to be there, then God expects you to be there. (?) 

(I accidentally did something and enlarged the video, holy Rufus! Now there are two Bro Garys!!!) 

He's been doing a lot of thinking. He knows a lot of people who have passed away recently. And there were some people, well there was nothing great about them (?) and they died and went to hell and that breaks his heart. He's gonna study up a message on who's watching him. In their bible study they were reading the book of Job and there's something he's going to preach on. He actually smiles a real smile. 

He'll be preaching and his family will be singing at New Heights Baptist church in Trinity, NC. He'll be praying for his supporters and his Facebook friends. Cancers, all-timers, diabetes (I'm sad he doesn't say it like Wilford Brimley). You can name all the different diseases and problems. Someone is talking in the background and it is so distracting!! 

He wants to hope all seven of his children will be in church tonight but he's not sure they will. He hopes you know for sure you're going to go to heaven when you die. (That you know)x4 that you'll go to heaven when you die. Do you know if everyone you know is saved? 

He, Gary Hawkins, wants to meet you in heaven. Make sure you know you're going. 

***OMG I finally figured out what has been driving me crazy about the wall behind him. I thought the ceiling was coming off or something but I think they painted it gray and haven't done the detail work around the edging yet, and that's why it looks weird. The wall looks darker than it did the other day. Things like this keep me up at night, LOL. 

Any day the Lord can blow that trumpet, and they'll be out of here. Are you saved? Are you on your way to heaven. LOL something happens. He talks more about how he's going to heaven. He believes and received and accepted Jesus. I think someone is washing dishes in the background.

Message him, he'd love to talk to you about your soul. There is a loud conversation being held in the background. 

He's talking about whether there's baseball in heaven. Oh it's a joke. A guy goes to heaven and comes back and tells his friend that there is baseball in heaven. But he says the bad news is, you're up next week to bat (LOL–I like corny jokes).

42 people have died through the storm. That's really sad. Are you going to heaven? Are you going to go to a bible believing church tonight? (No, I was worried about my house burning down and then my daughter had an FFA event.) 

I have never watched online preachers before but I would assume they have a more professional setup than this. I don't know why he can't prop his phone up or something or go into a quiet room, or wait until late at night when everyone is asleep, or go outside, or do something other than sitting in the middle of the house trying to give sermons when his family is doing stuff around him. It's so annoying and distracting! 

[SuperNova]

3 hours ago, PumaLover said:

He's been doing a lot of thinking.

I imagine Gary's deep thoughts come in cartoon picture form. The man is a puddle.

3 hours ago, PumaLover said:

Message him, he'd love to talk to you about your soul. 

Please, someone volunteer to take one for the team.  

 

@PumaLover I'm glad your family is safe. Take care.

[mango_fandango]

Even if I was going to Heaven, there’s no way I’d want to meet Bro Gary.

Glad you’re OK @PumaLover. Anyone would be scared by a nearby fire!! 

 

[Briefly]

@PumaLover, I am so glad you are safe.  That must have been so scary!  Thanks for watching the video for the rest of us, I don't honestly know if I could stomach that much of him!

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

@PumaLover so glad you are all safe. We were on evac alert in Aug.  So frightening!  Sending the whole bottle of Canadian Club whiskey, a plate of pink weens with gravy and hugs.

[PumaLover]

Thanks so much everyone. I'm still a little shaken up!

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

WAIT UP!  What if the pink gravy is ....eeew......PLEXUS????

just kidding

[mango_fandango]

Bro Gary has a new flyer HALLAYLOOYER HAYMAYUN.

And guess what? It’s written in Weenese!!

“I believe America can have revival”.

I believe you is big fail.

[FullOfGravy]

A flyer that makes David Rodrigues' tracts look like masterpieces of eloquence and design.  I didn't think that could be done, but I guess all things are possible with uneducated ignorance God.  

[Black Aliss]

As a matter of fact, yes, I do know where I'm going when I die. My remains will be scattered in all the places that were on my bucket list that I never made it to in this life. As to an afterlife, I will be in hell and heaven. Because the Maxwells, the Hawkinses, the Rodriguii, and all the fundies I grew up with say they are going to be in heaven and hell for me is an eternity spent with Those People.