Lori Alexander 53: Mourning Mom ... Maybe

[lilwriter85]

3 hours ago, SongRed7 said:

 

I am NO defender of Lori, but it sounds like she never lost anyone that close to her. (parents, siblings).  To experience the death of a close loved one for the first time at age 60 has to be terrifying.  It is NEVER easy. 

I get this as well. I've seen this with a couple of people. Several years ago, my former boss's mother suffered a severe heart attack and went down hill after that. When she was dying, he really didn't know what to do as he had never experienced the death of a close loved one.  At the time, he knew that I had lost my brother to an unexpected accident years before and he asked advice from me and other people he knew who had experienced loss. Towards the end, he took time off to be with his mom and dad before she passed. As much as I dislike Lori, I do hope she gets to say goodbye to her mom.

[Georgiana]

Most of Lori's problem is that she makes shit choices in her life.  Then those shit choices make her experience negative emotions like anger, pain, sadness, grief, frustration, etc.  But instead of inspecting her life to see how her choices contributed to her unhappiness, she doubles down and tries to blame other things for her issues.  Case in point: it's NOT that Lori Alexander has a shit marriage that is terribly unhappy and needs to end.  No.  It's THE FEMINISTS who are creating these issues!  Lori's fine! Ken's perfect!  It's those GODDAMN FEMINISTS in their HAPPY MARRIAGES and YOGA PANTS!  

So I hope Lori makes the right call here.  Because if she doesn't, it IS going to eat her alive.  And she'll try to pass that pain off any way she can.  

Lori's a vile human now, but if JRod has taught me one thing, it's that you can ALWAYS go lower.  And I don't want to see next level Lori.  I really don't.  

[lilwriter85]

1 hour ago, Seahorse Wrangler said:

Mr Wrangler died without a will and it's been a hard 18 months trying to make sense of everything even with the help of a lawyer and an estate professional.  We will need a group of people to over-see how the monies for our younger children are maintained until they turn 18. And that will be for another 5 years till Sea Colt turns 18.

I'm lucky enough that I don't have any immediate money problems because the life insurance was in my name but the rest of the estate was to be properly audited next.

 

eta I don't know if any one here has read this Reddit thread.

 

 

I'm reading through that thread. The OP and his family come off as assholes who believe they're entitled to the money because it was their son and brother. The response pissed me off.  It was the brother's money and he could decide who would get most of it. It wasn't really unfair to the OP and the family. 

Quote

My sister was in charge of the will, according to his partner he did not want to be in charge because ' he didn't want to deal with us' 'he hates us' so my sister who was best friends with my brother acted as the middle ground for us and his partner. We were shocked when we read the will. We didn't expect it to be that unfair. I am trying to make it right

 

[quiversR4hunting]

1 hour ago, Seahorse Wrangler said:

eta I don't know if any one here has read this Reddit thread.

 

Edited 1 hour ago by Seahorse Wrangler

WTF?! They don't know how he got a hold of the will?!?! I am guessing he had a copy or an attorney had it and then the attorney must contact the beneficiaries- in this case the same sex partner. It appears this family thought they were above the law because "Christian". wow. I am so glad the partner is suing this dumb ass, self-righteous family. Let me guess who was with her brother for the last 9 months- I bet his partner. I bet he took care of the brother that entire time. I bet he was there while he was sick from treatments and cleaned him up. This reddit poster makes me see red!

[Koala]

I hope every last one of them gets taken to the cleaners!  "We love Jesus, so we knew he'd want us to steal the money!" 
Omg lady, you're a thief!  That was NEVER your money.

Let me take this a step further- I hope criminal charges are filed (if possible), because that's what these folks are- criminals.

[lilwriter85]

16 minutes ago, quiversR4hunting said:

WTF?! They don't know how he got a hold of the will?!?! I am guessing he had a copy or an attorney had it and then the attorney must contact the beneficiaries- in this case the same sex partner. It appears this family thought they were above the law because "Christian". wow. I am so glad the partner is suing this dumb ass, self-righteous family. Let me guess who was with her brother for the last 9 months- I bet his partner. I bet he took care of the brother that entire time. I bet he was there while he was sick from treatments and cleaned him up. This reddit poster makes me see red!

I'm also betting the partner took care of the brother. The poster doesn't seem all that bright  and I love how some of his later responses were that he and the family didn't know they could face serious legal troubles. Somewhere in the thread, he mentions that the family is big and that the sister distributed the money around the various family members. I wonder if the OP's family is a large fundie family. 

The OP claims that the family paid the brother's medical bills and funeral. I'm calling bullshit on the medical bills part because he claimed that 850k from the brother's estate  was supposed to be left to the partner. He also said that the brother owned properties which he didn't go into detail about. I'm having a hard time believing that someone with a quite bit of money and properties would need family members to step to pay medical bills. I know 850k to 1 million isn't a lot of money in a big picture, but the brother wasn't one of those people who died with nothing in their estates because medical bills ate up their money and other assets. 

I laughed at the last responses about how he and the family "were going to make it right"even though he said most of the money was gone. I hope garnishments happen. 

 

[Koala]

While I'm on it, here's another thing that bothers me.  Back when my great-grandmother was alive, her daughter's side of the family went through her home, taping little tags with their names to things they wanted when she passed.  It was disgusting.  

When she had a massive stroke at 94, she was left with her mind completely intact, but no ability to move/speak on her own.  My grandfather put a television (that he purchased) in the room with her at the nursing home, so she'd at least have something to listen to.  He visited her every.single.day.  

One day, when he turned up for his daily visit, he found her television gone.  Nurses informed him that his sister took it.  

He immediately drove to her house, and told her that he'd kick her ass right there on the front lawn (obviously, I don't condone violence, but that's what he told her, so there's that...) if she didn't have their mother's tv returned by the end of the day.  She whined something about how her mom would have wanted her to have it, but he was beside himself angry.  I don't know what went through her mind, but she did return that television.

Anyway, Lori said something not long back about getting her mom's Bible when she passed.  Now maybe there's an explanation (like Lori's mom told Lori she wanted her to have it), but I could totally see Lori asking her mom if she could have (xyz) when she passed.  I could also see her staying on vacation, and only turning up when it's time to sort through jewelry/valuables.  Then I have a feeling she'd be glued to the place, grabbing things up left and right.  As she says, she would definitely describe herself as a "taker".

[luv2laugh]

I feel sorry for all of Lori’s siblings and kids that are going to have to put up with Lori’s narcissism while coping with a very painful loss of their mom and Grandma.

[SilverBeach]

4 hours ago, Koala said:

This is what's REALLY important to Lori:

Notice she mentions nothing about spreading the gospel, or furthering the cause of Christ.  Lori wants attention, pure and simple.

She still doesn't get that the post went viral because it was ridiculed so much! It hit a nerve alright, the outrageously stupid bullshit nerve. Lori Alexander is nonetheless letting this travesty feed her ego, because that is what's important to her. Being a loving Christian daughter to your dying mom? Not so much.

My dad died unexpectedly at 70, when I was 38, and it totally devastated me. I had lost uncles, aunts, and cousins, but not anyone in my immediate family. Now my entire immediate family is gone except for the one sister who is 4000 miles away and is emotionally distant in addition to being physically distant.

When mom died this past February at 91, I did feel fearful about the actual moment she took her last breath, and also experienced feeling like an orphan for a little while. Lori is fortunate that at 60 she has lost no immediate family members. But death is a part of life and we must find a way to deal with the fear without avoiding a loved one who needs us.

Heartfelt condolences to all my fellow FJ members who have had recent deaths in their families.

[nokidsmom]

7 minutes ago, SilverBeach said:

When mom died this past February at 91, I did feel fearful about the actual moment she took her last breath, and also experienced feeling like an orphan for a little while.

Same here with me when I was with my Dad (who would have been 91 in July BTW), I felt fearful about being there at the actual moment, but when it was happening I was so focused on that moment, the fear left me.   

Afterwards, when driving home from hospice I felt weird thinking that both of my parents were gone and here I was.   I still get the "orphaned" feeling moments from time to time.

My condolences on the loss of your mom @SilverBeach

[SilverBeach]

@nokidsmom, you captured my feelings exactly. Condolences to you on the loss of your dad. I accept that this is the circle of life, but our worlds are forever changed.

[cindyluvs24]

First of all, Lori's entire life is one big vacation.  She doesn't have to work an outside job, she's not caring for children, grandchildren, or elderly parents.  There is nothing keeping her from being with her mother.  

Secondly, I seem to remember those stone tablets that Moses carried mentioning something about honoring one's father and mother.

Thirdly, why wouldn't Ken, that paragon of Christian headship, tell her to go to her mother?  

I suspect Lori thinks/believes that her presence is not desired.

Sad all around.  

 

[Florita]

If there is an up-coming visitation, funeral and wake with friends and families coming to pay their respects then that means a lot of people NOT paying attention to Lori.

Which illness will strike Lori this time? Will her back go out? Or excruciating neck pain? Or a blinding migraine? Or another bad stomach? Maybe she'll twist an ankle and need to ice dip it 40 times a day.

We could almost place bets on this.

[PennySycamore]

@letgo,  as several others have mentioned about the dying person not wanting a particular family member to witness their death, that happened in my husband's family thirty years ago.  My husband's grandfather was dying of metastatic prostrate cancer and was receiving hospice care.  My in-laws were at the hospice unit with Nanna, my husband's grandmother.  It had been a long day and late in the afternoon, my father-in-law asked Nanna if she wouldn't like to get a cup of tea.  Judy would still be there with her dad.  As soon as my father-in-law and Nanna left the room to get tea, her husband of 50+ years died.  He didn't want to die in from of Nanna.

@Seahorse Wrangler,  I wish I could have given a split reaction to your post.  I loved the first part, but that reddit post about the gay man who died was just all kinds of WHAT. THE. FUCK.

[Georgiana]

4 minutes ago, PennySycamore said:

I wish I could have given a split reaction to your post.  I loved the first part, but that reddit post about the gay man who died was just all kinds of WHAT. THE. FUCK.

My favorite comment on that post was the line "Clearly all the brains in your family died with your brother".

Also, if you read the thread you'll see that the family wasn't JUST homophobic.  Nope.  They doubled down on their homophobia and made sure to harass the brother's partner with "MINOR racial slurs" as well.

[Seahorse Wrangler]

18 minutes ago, Georgiana said:

My favorite comment on that post was the line "Clearly all the brains in your family died with your brother".

Also, if you read the thread you'll see that the family wasn't JUST homophobic.  Nope.  They doubled down on their homophobia and made sure to harass the brother's partner with "MINOR racial slurs" as well.

But the OP was very keen to point out that they "Weren't bigots"..

[Briefly]

4 hours ago, Alisamer said:

I've seen this, too. A friend of mine had her mother at her house under hospice care, in terminal stages of cancer. Her mom passed while she was at church, and I'm sure she waited until she was out of the house to do it. The daughter did not react well to her death, and I'm sure her mom wanted to pass in peace and let someone else break the news to her.

That happened to my boss, his 100 year old mom was on her deathbed and he was there as much as he could be.  Several hours at at a time.  He was her only child still alive, his sister died a few years back.  He mentioned to the nurse that he wasn't sure if he could handle seeing his mom die.  The nurse, who knew the lady very well, suggested he tell Mom that he was going to step out of the room for a few minutes (she was unconscious) and as soon as he did, she relaxed and passed.  I think she was waiting, she did not want her son to see her die.  As a mother, I can certainly understand wanting to protect your child.  Even if that child is an adult, they are still our children.

[Briefly]

This is bringing back memories of my mom's death in 2001 and dad's death in 2004.  I wasn't there for either, we had managed to get to San Antonio in time for Dad but then he lingered for a few days.  The doctor said it was going to be a few days more, so we decided to come back home to Tulsa (we had to, if hubs wanted to still be employed) and we planned on heading back in a couple of days.  But just after we got home, my sister called.  Dad died about the same time we got back to Tulsa.  I was his favorite child, which he did not make a secret of but it was not that my brother or sister were ignored, I just was the youngest and looked like is grandmother.  Dad and I were very close.  From what my brother and sister said, he did not want me there when he passed.  He probably didn't want them there, either, but they had been going in and out of the room and just happened to be there at the time.  My brother said it was very peaceful.

[TeddyBonkers]

My grandfather passed in 2005, just days after I got back to the States after a deployment. Mom said he was waiting until I was safe. It broke my heart that I wasn't able to be there when he passed, but all of his children were and he died at home like he wanted. 

I want to give a big Interweb hug to all of you who have shared your stories of loved ones passings. 

[Hisey]

Lori writes:

Quote

It matters not if you have had your mother for 60 years as I have had or lost her as a child.

I couldn't disagree more. There's a huge difference between losing your mother at 6 or 60. A six-year old is a helpless, dependent child who will only have a few memories with his mother. His mother will not shape his upbringing and her own life is cut short by decades. The child must now be raised by someone else. How terrifying that must be to a little kid. Sorry, Lori, IMO that's a much bigger tragedy.

Lori's situation is totally different. Lori is far more fortunate.  She is old enough to care for herself. She is financially secure. She is surrounded by family and friends. Her lifestyle will not change (unless her mother leaves her money, in which case, she'll get richer.). Hell, it didn't even stop this year's Door County adventure!  She has decades of memories with her mom. Her mom was there at her graduation, wedding day, at the birth of her children. She even had her mother's help with babysitting, etc.

Lori's mother has also led a long life. She is almost 90, I believe. She has very little pain. She presumably has the best medical care. She is surrounded by loved ones. It's always sad to say goodbye to a good parent. It hurts like hell. But it is also what the Buddhists call Prosperity.

Quote

A rich man asked a Zen master to write something down that could encourage the prosperity of his family for years to come. It would be something that the family could cherish for generations. On a large piece of paper, the master wrote, "Father dies, son dies, grandson dies."

The rich man became angry when he saw the master's work. "I asked you to write something down that could bring happiness and prosperity to my family. Why do you give me something depressing like this?"

"If your son should die before you," the master answered, "this would bring unbearable grief to your family. If your grandson should die before your son, this also would bring great sorrow. If your family, generation after generation, disappears in the order I have described, it will be the natural course of life. This is true happiness and prosperity."

Finally, I think it's bogus to say that Lori's lack of experience with death is an excuse for her to retreat to Door County. First of all, even if she's "terrified", it's time to put your own feelings aside and deal. You should be there for your mother, your father and your kids, not indulging your own feelings. Secondly, the woman is 60. She's dealt with death before (her best friend's husband, for example, who died very young).

I think her mother told her she should go (her mother sounds like a very self-sacrificing person), and Lori said OK.

 

[TeddyBonkers]

Quote

I couldn't disagree more. There's a huge difference between losing your mother at 6 or 60. A six-year old is a helpless, dependent child who will only have a few memories with his mother. His mother will not shape his upbringing and her own life is cut short by decades. The child must now be raised by someone else. How terrifying that must be to a little kid. Sorry, Lori, IMO that's a much bigger tragedy.

JESUS YES. I joke about being heavily insured (kind of a whistling past the graveyard thing) but my kids are still in elementary school and I do not want to leave them motherless. If I had my druthers, it would be much preferable to die while they were in their 60s or 70s.

[wallysmommy]

Yes, please make sure you, and your loved ones, have a will.  My mom died suddenly and we'd talked about it for years, but she died intestate.  I became Administrator by default, and my brother deferred all decision making to me.  We are still settling estate stuff -- car transfers, stock transfers, settling the house.  I also had to buy a surety bond as Administrator of the estate which cost me $700 just to say I wouldn't make off with the little bit of money my mom left.  Fortunately, my brother and I were on the same page when it came to funeral decisions. Even so, it's stressful when you're grieving and you have to deal with the business side of things like coming up with $8000 before you walk out of the funeral home.  

My mom loved purses, so I let each of her closest friends, and the members of my family, take the purse of their choice as a memory of her.  I think she would have liked that.  

[FullOfGravy]

3 hours ago, Koala said:

Back when my great-grandmother was alive, her daughter's side of the family went through her home, taping little tags with their names to things they wanted when she passed.  It was disgusting.

Starting about 10 years ago my grandmother (now 93) has been asking her kids and grandkids to put in claims and requests, because she wants it sorted and assigned as much as possible before she passes.  She distributed a lot of what was asked for when she moved from her house to an assisted-living place.  It's mostly not monetary value, but things we associate with the memories we have of her and my late grandfather.  I'm so uncomfortable asking for anything; it feels incredibly ghoulish, but she keeps insisting.  I have a little Hummel figurine I always loved, and the dessert bowls we used every Christmas Eve dinner.  My sister has an armchair she liked to snuggle in.

I was off at university when we got the news that my grandfather's cancer had spread and was no longer treatable.  I considered going home at midterm break, but we thought he had a few months left, and I decided to go at the end of term instead.  It's a huge regret now, because as it turned out, he didn't have a few months, and instead of going to say goodbye, I only got there for the funeral.  As vile a human as Lori seems to be, I hope she doesn't have that regret, and that she can put herself aside enough to be a comfort to her mother.

[nokidsmom]

3 hours ago, Georgiana said:

My favorite comment on that post was the line "Clearly all the brains in your family died with your brother".

Also, if you read the thread you'll see that the family wasn't JUST homophobic.  Nope.  They doubled down on their homophobia and made sure to harass the brother's partner with "MINOR racial slurs" as well.

I read through that reddit thread and, provided that the OP was not a troll, then I am amazed that they could think they could get away with ignoring the brother's will, homophobia and racism aside.   I suspect the OP was not trolling, they really were that dumb.   There are folks who are woefully ignorant about what a will entails, it's not something to ignore if it's inconvenient.  The estate is not money to play with. 

And some folks find out the hard way that being an executor is a legal responsibility that carries some serious penalties that the executor will bear personally, if he/she, quite frankly, fucks it up.   Years ago, a member of the in-law family, who as executor, distributed money before it was appropriate to do so, got called out by a probate judge for her decisions.  Let's just say some family members (not me or Mr. No)  were really nervous about having the money clawed back, not sure how it was resolved as they all shut up about all their newfound riches after that.  It seems that in this case, they didn't spend all the money by this time but I got the feeling it disrupted some really big plans.

 

[polecat]

I feel like I should clarify.

Spoiler

 

My mom wasn't in hospice care or the hospital when she died. In fact, she was still undergoing treatment, and that’s kind of what killed her in a roundabout way. The cancer treatment had caused a severe electrolyte imbalance, which triggered a fatal arrhythmia. She died of cardiac arrest. It really was pretty unexpected for all of us, including her doctors. But it’s comforting to think she had at least some control at the end of her life.

 

I truly appreciate everyone's kind thoughts and words.