Lori Alexander 53: Mourning Mom ... Maybe

[Sarah92]

Does the Bible have any verses where it says men should leave the home and work? 

although today I'm being a good little keeper of the home because I'm working on the continued aftermath of moving to a new place. That is until a friend comes over and has a drink with me :p 

[BullyJBG]

Nothing specific; work is what men was made to do by how Adam was made to work, both in the garden, and after the fall. As for having a home-based carpenter business like Joseph, or going out to fight battles like David and his men, or going out to catch fish like Simon Peter and Andrew, there's no answer that's even implied as better than the other.

  As for the verses about being "busy at home" for women, that was done so they would not owe anyone, so they would avoid gossiping and other things that hinder the spread of the gospel.

[Sarah92]

Thread about abuse was deleted including an abuse hotline. They were discussing it. There was no reason to delete it all. Absolutely none. If it's not praising her she doesn't leave it up

[Briefly]

6 hours ago, polecat said:

It's in the amount you actually earn. The threshold used to be $600 -- I'm not sure what it is now. 

As a self-employed person, I would recommend that anyone who wants to go into business for themselves research tax stuff very, very carefully. Taxes for self-employed people are NOT inexpensive. And you've got to make sure you're paying them because if you don't, you're not just short-changing the gov't (which a lot of people wouldn't care about anyway) but *yourself*. When you're employed, your employer pays half your social security taxes. Take a look at any paycheck to see how much is taken out for SS. Then double it. That's what you'll owe as a self-employed person. And when you don't pay it, your wages aren't included in your social security retirement estimate. It's like you never made that money. No biggie now, maybe, but you will hardcore regret it when it comes time to retire because you won't be able to unless you've got a sweet ira stashed away somewhere or family $$$.

So if you want to be self-employed: Don't screw yourself over by playing with taxes. 

 

ETA: And that's all if you don't get caught. The consequences are even more dire if you do get caught.

 

ETA2: https://creativeadvisormarketing.com/do-i-have-to-pay-taxes/

Yes, it is very important to do it right if you have a home-based business.  We have had part time ones for years, now that Mr. Briefly has been out of work for 2+ years, we have expanded our home business to the point where it produces enough $ so we are ok. But there are always issues and tax time is always "fun!"  A lot of people don't think that they have to pay taxes, or think that they even should, and it generally comes back to bite them in the rear.

Regarding the earlier discussion about girls/women being part-time seamstresses to bring in money until they marry - I found an ad in today's paper for a Production Seamstress at an established business.  It pays $10 - 20 per hour and also says it pays per piece.  They want experience in cutting and sewing from patterns and in using single & double needle machines, plus 2 years experience working for another tailor/seamstress.  It does not sound like it's necessarily a high paying job.  At least not in the way that it was implied in (I think it was Lori's) advice to become a seamstress.

[EowynW]

We dream of owning our own businesses one day. Atleast be able to have part time income from one so Mr. EW won't have to work full time 

[Seahorse Wrangler]

I was at Pride Montreal today. There were a reasonable number of be-thonged butts on display.Myself and my teen aged children managed to navigate the area without having to paddle any of them or be corrupted by them.

[PinkPrincess0213]

https://brucegerencser.net/2018/08/christians-say-the-darnedest-things-woman-arent-equal-to-men/

I swear, I thought this was Lori.

[EowynW]

Hey ladies, I'm asking here because you guys are really supportive and knowledgeable. And it's really embarrassing for me and I don't really know much about this and i don't want to ask my fundie mom because she will not understand. 

Okay so, how do I go about telling my dr that I think I have mild depression and asking for help?  Is it acceptable to say "hey I think I need some help, I feel like I can't cope with anything right now and life stuff just feels HUGE at the moment. My throat is always tight, I cry atleast once a day and life has felt bland lately." Does that sound too stupid? 

[PinkPrincess0213]

@EowynW, not stupid at all. Say it just like that.

It is not easy to ask for help - this is spoken by someone who battled PPD twice.

Take care of yourself and get the help you need.

[usmcmom]

21 minutes ago, EowynW said:

Hey ladies, I'm asking here because you guys are really supportive and knowledgeable. And it's really embarrassing for me and I don't really know much about this and i don't want to ask my fundie mom because she will not understand. 

Okay so, how do I go about telling my dr that I think I have mild depression and asking for help?  Is it acceptable to say "hey I think I need some help, I feel like I can't cope with anything right now and life stuff just feels HUGE at the moment. My throat is always tight, I cry atleast once a day and life has felt bland lately." Does that sound too stupid? 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I encourage you to make a list of all your symptoms - physical and emotional. Also, list any questions you might have so that your mind is more clear during your appointment. The "script" you have written for yourself sounds great.  

Do you have a good rapport with your doctor? Do you feel he/she listens and lets you be a partner in your care? 

I have been through this and am happy to share my treatment journey if you'd like. You can do this! And you will feel tremendous relief after that appointment. 

We're here for you. 

[Red Hair, Black Dress]

Just going to throw this out there -- Do you trust your doctor to keep your conversation confidential?  Nothing you say will make it back to your/ Mr's family?  If you get a prescription filled at the local pharmacy will it also be confidential?

I ask because I grew up in a small town where nothing was kept confidential -- your medical records (gossiping nurse and office manager), your prescriptions (gossiping pharmacist and drugstore cashier), your mail (everyone at the PO knew who you got mail from, read your postcards, saw your bills), etc, etc.

If you feel you need more privacy, consider a doctor in another town.

Also - (((((((( hugs )))))))) Take care of yourself. 

 

[EowynW]

Yes, I love my dr and she's helped me tremendously. She will listen, for sure. She's in a completely different town than all of our relatives. 

 

Thank you all so much.  

[older than allosaurs]

17 minutes ago, EowynW said:

Hey ladies, I'm asking here because you guys are really supportive and knowledgeable. And it's really embarrassing for me and I don't really know much about this and i don't want to ask my fundie mom because she will not understand. 

Okay so, how do I go about telling my dr that I think I have mild depression and asking for help?  Is it acceptable to say "hey I think I need some help, I feel like I can't cope with anything right now and life stuff just feels HUGE at the moment. My throat is always tight, I cry atleast once a day and life has felt bland lately." Does that sound too stupid? 

Add me to the list of folks who have been there, off and on, for years. Getting a boost to get through this is such a good thing to do for yourself.

In my experience it's good to be ready to tell the doctor what kinds of self care you already are doing -- the standard recommendations, as you probably know, are enough sleep, regular exercise, limiting alcohol, doing some kind of meditation. It's also protocol, at least at my clinic, for them to ask if you have weapons at home and if you have considered self harm. That doesn't mean they think you are on the brink, it's just on their checklist.

I'm one of the lucky souls who responds quickly to the one of the basic anti-depressants, but be aware that you have to give it time. Also, they don't always tell you this, but if you decide to stop taking meds, check in with people who have experience with that prescription and go about it slowly.

I'm getting ahead of myself....     Bottom line: You don't sound stupid. If the doc makes you feel so, try to find another doctor though I realize can be a challenge in a small community.

 

[usmcmom]

I agree with @older than allosaurs that it will help if you go into this knowing it may take time. It is so hard to be patient when you feel so lousy; I know. If you can manage it, don't be afraid to ask for more frequenr appointments than, say, a four week med check. 

I was very fortunate because my doctor actually scheduled appointments for me twice a week until we got everything fine tuned. 

[Imrlgoddess]

@EowynW just as an aside: if prescription choices make you nervous for any reason, there is also a device called Alpha Stim that might be available for you. It's like a TENS unit for your brain. I'm not sure how it's marketed or insured in the private sector but it is a viable option regarding depression, anxiety, and even migraines. 

Squishes to you, you're never wrong to ask for help in any capacity. 

[Hisey]

59 minutes ago, EowynW said:

Yes, I love my dr and she's helped me tremendously. She will listen, for sure. She's in a completely different town than all of our relatives. 

 

Thank you all so much.  

Eowyn, doctors hear this every day. So many people struggle with depression, mild or otherwise. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and it won't cause her to fall off her chair in surprise. It is really common. She will probably give you a referral to a therapist and/or suggest meds. Bear in mind, you might need to try a few meds to find the right one. On the bright side, though, I've seen people respond to meds faster than the six weeks they tell you it takes. It's an individual thing, though.

Please post and let us know how you are doing! I could tell from your posts that you were feeling down. Is there any way we can help?

[Sarah92]

1 hour ago, EowynW said:

Hey ladies, I'm asking here because you guys are really supportive and knowledgeable. And it's really embarrassing for me and I don't really know much about this and i don't want to ask my fundie mom because she will not understand. 

Okay so, how do I go about telling my dr that I think I have mild depression and asking for help?  Is it acceptable to say "hey I think I need some help, I feel like I can't cope with anything right now and life stuff just feels HUGE at the moment. My throat is always tight, I cry atleast once a day and life has felt bland lately." Does that sound too stupid? 

This is a great way to bring it up! As someone who counsels, I always appreciate this level of openness and honesty because it allows me to better help people. Honestly, there's still a ton of stigma on issues like depression and anxiety. It's that whole "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" and pray harder mentality". I've helped people with depression and there's a heartbreaking amount of guilt and shame that many people struggle with on a daily basis. One thing I encourage is gentleness towards oneself. Often with depression is that overwhelming sense of low self-esteem that makes people become very harsh on themselves. One way to filter thoughts is to ask "would I say this to a friend going through the same thing?". If you wouldn't say it to others it's not good for your mind and soul either. But I'm sorry you're going through this right now, it does sound overwhelming but for what it's worth you seem like a very strong, hard-working, compassionate woman. I wish you all the best as you move forward and you talk to your doctor. 

When it comes to seeing the doctor I do agree that writing things down is helpful as it might combat the stress and anxiety these things often induce in individuals. She'll probably either go through a list of symptoms or have you fill out a self-report. And she will ask about suicidality and homicidally. She may ask about hearing things, seeing things, or if you believe someone is out to get you. These are standard questions for us that we ask everyone that comes in. 

She may recommend medicine but she may also know counselors that will fit your budget if that's something you want to try. I personally recommend doing both but that's not realistic for everyone or even necessary. If you do go with medicine never be afraid to speak up if something feels wrong, isn't working, or is making it worse. It does sometimes take a few tries to get the right one but often the first one works great. 

Speaking up and saying you're struggling with something is courageous even if you don't always feel that way or it seems like such a small thing to do. I encourage you to own that courage and draw it near to your heart as you face your battles. You are certainly a warrior. Depression often hides the good parts of ourselves from us which makes it all the more important to hold those things close to ourselves and not forget them. 

[polecat]

9 hours ago, EowynW said:

Hey ladies, I'm asking here because you guys are really supportive and knowledgeable. And it's really embarrassing for me and I don't really know much about this and i don't want to ask my fundie mom because she will not understand. 

Okay so, how do I go about telling my dr that I think I have mild depression and asking for help?  Is it acceptable to say "hey I think I need some help, I feel like I can't cope with anything right now and life stuff just feels HUGE at the moment. My throat is always tight, I cry atleast once a day and life has felt bland lately." Does that sound too stupid? 

That's exactly what you say. And lots of love going out to you. Depression is a lying bastard, and you shouldn't have to deal with it alone.

[molecule]

11 hours ago, EowynW said:

Okay so, how do I go about telling my dr that I think I have mild depression and asking for help?  Is it acceptable to say "hey I think I need some help, I feel like I can't cope with anything right now and life stuff just feels HUGE at the moment. My throat is always tight, I cry atleast once a day and life has felt bland lately." Does that sound too stupid? 

That's pretty much what I said to my doctor--and I will always be glad I did. I will be on anti-depressants the rest of my life. They don't make me happy, but they do help me cope with normal life stuff in a healthy way.

I'd like to encourage you to ask your doctor about signs that you are not handling a prescribed anti-depressant well--and even include your husband in that conversation. Also, make sure your husband has HIPPA permission to have a conversation about you with the doctor (unless you really don't trust him).

My son was one of the people who respond horribly to Zoloft. His depression worsened, he became nearly suicidal, and he made some stupid and bad choices that will have long-term consequences for him. It took a long while for me to persuade him that his medication wasn't working and to actually call the doctor.

When you're depressed, it can be overwhelming to recognize that there is a problem, to believe that things can be better, to feel like you're even worth your own effort, and so on. Part of my own on-going treatment means that my husband pays attention to changes in my mood, and he can talk directly with my doctor if I dismiss his concerns--because I trust my husband, and because I know that when I'm depressed, I can't reliably assess my own moods.

[Alisamer]

12 hours ago, EowynW said:

Hey ladies, I'm asking here because you guys are really supportive and knowledgeable. And it's really embarrassing for me and I don't really know much about this and i don't want to ask my fundie mom because she will not understand. 

Okay so, how do I go about telling my dr that I think I have mild depression and asking for help?  Is it acceptable to say "hey I think I need some help, I feel like I can't cope with anything right now and life stuff just feels HUGE at the moment. My throat is always tight, I cry atleast once a day and life has felt bland lately." Does that sound too stupid? 

Hugs to you! Definitely tell the doctor exactly that, but also tell them whatever you've tried to combat it. My doctor initially wrote my concerns off as "well, you have all the symptoms of depression, but I think you just need to exercise more" (AKA - you're fat, not sick.) It took me self-treating with St. John's Wort for years and explaining to her that before I took that I was scaring myself with the thoughts i was having, before I got real treatment.

It's really, really, really hard when you have depression (and especially since doctor visits = money), but try to keep up with your doctor. I was on a low dose of meds for a couple years, and it helped, but not much. When I finally went back we bumped mine up, it helped a bit, went a bit higher a couple months later, and that helped more. I'm considering trying one more bump in dosage, as things have leveled off quite a bit in the last two weeks - I'm not sure if it's not helping, or if my current financial issues are making things worse. I'm doing way better than I have for years, now, and I hope things continue to improve.

I hope you get good treatment, and quickly! Pay attention to the little things, also - I never know quite how to answer the doctor's questions about how I'm feeling, but I can tell her that I had forgotten I used to sing and hum all the time until I started doing it again recently, or that I got enough energy together to paint my nails for the first time in years, or that I've finished two pretty major projects I'd been sitting on for months-to-years. I've never had the crying sort of depression, mine's more paralyzed with stress and unable to get off the couch no matter how much I want to do things. But it's better, somewhat. I haven't quite got the house clean, yet, but I'm making progress!

You'll make progress, too! It's tough, but you can do this!

[Hane]

@EowynW, it is in no way “stupid” to tell your doc that you’re in emotional pain! Over 20 years ago, I told my gyno about my depression (at the time it coincided most strongly with my PMS time), and asked him it it would be “crazy” to see a psychiatrist. He told me that, if I were suffering so much, it would be crazy NOT to, and he immediately wrote me a referral. May he rest in peace: he was an older guy, near retirement, and always took issues like PMS, bad periods, and sexual questions seriously.

I’m so glad you have such a supportive doctor in your corner! Hugs to you!

[quiversR4hunting]

@EowynW - as everyone else is said- yes! talk to your doctor. Someone said before me, make a list of all your symptoms and what is going on with your life because there are many, many different drugs that can help. Some are for depression, some for anxiety and some for combo of depression and anxiety. Several years ago my husband was looking at getting laid off, my salary couldn't support the 4 of us (child #3 hadn't been thought of yet). I went to my doctor and said I think I need depression meds, he looked at me weird (I have been going to him for years) and he said "what's going on?" and so I explained everything and my symptoms and he said, it sounds like you don't need depression meds, you need meds to help with anxiety. I didn't know there was different meds. He went on to explain what some of them treat and he decided on the one that he thought would work the best (and a generic) and he told me signs to watch for depression and adverse reactions to the meds. I then had a follow up in 2 or 3 weeks and things were much better. I was still anxious but the meds brought me down to a level where I wasn't on the cusp of a panic attack several times a day.

As others have said, some people will remain on the meds for the rest of their life (my sister & husband are two of them) others, like me, once the huge anxiety trigger is over, I was able to wean off (never go cold turkey or without doctor's approval). I still get a panic attack sometimes but it isn't day in/day out, week in/week out like it was when my husband was loosing his job.

[wallysmommy]

14 hours ago, EowynW said:

Hey ladies, I'm asking here because you guys are really supportive and knowledgeable. And it's really embarrassing for me and I don't really know much about this and i don't want to ask my fundie mom because she will not understand. 

Okay so, how do I go about telling my dr that I think I have mild depression and asking for help?  Is it acceptable to say "hey I think I need some help, I feel like I can't cope with anything right now and life stuff just feels HUGE at the moment. My throat is always tight, I cry atleast once a day and life has felt bland lately." Does that sound too stupid? 

I prided myself on my coping ability, which crumbled after my dad died in 2016.  I found myself crying all the time.  I went to my NP and she prescribed a med that begins with "T" and has lots of commercials on television.  She said she wanted me to give "little shits" not "big shits" about things.  Totally non-judgmental, and it's made a world of difference for me.  I did have to have it bumped up a bit recently after my mom died and things at work got really stressful.  I'm much better with the meds than I was trying to go it alone.  God gave scientists the ability to discover these drugs, is my opinion.

[AuntKrazy]

13 hours ago, EowynW said:

Hey ladies, I'm asking here because you guys are really supportive and knowledgeable. And it's really embarrassing for me and I don't really know much about this and i don't want to ask my fundie mom because she will not understand. 

Okay so, how do I go about telling my dr that I think I have mild depression and asking for help?  Is it acceptable to say "hey I think I need some help, I feel like I can't cope with anything right now and life stuff just feels HUGE at the moment. My throat is always tight, I cry atleast once a day and life has felt bland lately." Does that sound too stupid? 

I had this very conversation with my doctor about two months ago, and have been taking an SSRI ever since - and it's helped me tremendously.  I think the biggest thing for me was that I realized that my shutting down meant I was not taking care of my health/diabetes like I normally do.  And my inability to care about that honestly scared me.

When my doctor asked how I was doing in tracking my sugars, I told her - I wasn't and that I was struggling with just shutting down.  It was surprisingly easy to have a conversation with her about it.

And after two months, I'm sleeping at night again.  I actually laugh.  This weekend, I had energy and interest in going out for the first time in months.  I'm lucky in that the first drug prescribed seems to be working.  I had to go back after 6 weeks for her to check, and I'm going back in in another 4 after that for blood work, and for her to check again.  So if whatever happens does not work; I'd encourage you to be honest there too.

 

[refugee]

13 hours ago, Imrlgoddess said:

@EowynW just as an aside: if prescription choices make you nervous for any reason, there is also a device called Alpha Stim that might be available for you. It's like a TENS unit for your brain. I'm not sure how it's marketed or insured in the private sector but it is a viable option regarding depression, anxiety, and even migraines. 

Squishes to you, you're never wrong to ask for help in any capacity. 

Is that the magnetic thing where you put a helmet device on your head? It’s a series of treatments but it’s supposed to last for months or maybe years? Someone I know was talking about that recently. Obviously I wasn’t paying close enough attention.

13 hours ago, Hisey said:

Eowyn, doctors hear this every day. So many people struggle with depression, mild or otherwise. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and it won't cause her to fall off her chair in surprise. It is really common. She will probably give you a referral to a therapist and/or suggest meds. Bear in mind, you might need to try a few meds to find the right one. On the bright side, though, I've seen people respond to meds faster than the six weeks they tell you it takes. It's an individual thing, though.

Please post and let us know how you are doing! I could tell from your posts that you were feeling down. Is there any way we can help?

I tried that route. The talk therapy helped quite a bit, but my anxiety got in the way of starting meds. I even filled the prescription but just could not bring myself to pop the first pill. Am not seeing a therapist now, but it was helpful, even so, while it lasted.

(ETA I’m thinking about CBD oil for anxiety after reading a thread drift about it here. Maybe it would make life a bit easier for me? But it takes energy to make a positive change. So I empathize. It is definitely worth asking for help.)

I’m glad to hear your good opinion of your doctor, @EowynW. It sounds like a good starting point.