Questions about becoming Catholic

[PennySycamore]

@99bottlesofPlexus, people have told you and told you, seek individual therapy first!  Before marriage counseling and before a further plunge deeper into the Catholic Church.  If the Church is right for you, it can wait.

[Georgiana]

1 minute ago, louisa05 said:

I'm thinking really hard here, but I can't think of a household rule we have that "aligns with Catholicism". All I can come up with is not eating meat on Friday during Lent, but surely that won't kill the poor man. Or you know, she can fry him a burger while she eats something else or they can go out and he can have steak and she can have fish. Other than that, I'm not coming up with any household rules that "align with Catholicism" and I'm a convert married to a cradle Catholic. 

But I guess if you really believe we're a cult, you assume we have a lot of hidden daily rules???? 

They will not have to "marry in the church". It would amount to a small service to bless the existing marriage. I know people who have remarried without an annulment then done it when the annulment was completed. It's not a big deal. 

I'm with you on the Blessing.  It's really not a big deal.  

But I think you may be oversimplifying the issues with Catholicism in the home.  For example, I have multiple pieces of Catholic art in the house.  I grew up with them, so they comfort me (mostly, except for Creepy Jesus who sits in the living room to remind my guests to behave).  Some people may find them off-putting, and that would be very fair.  Then we have crucifixes.  Some people find a corpse on a cross (or a dying man on a cross, writhing in agony) very morbid.  Then we have the books.   Are they going to get Catholic Saints books?  Some of those are...questionable, and I won't be letting my kids have all of them.  Then we have the Catholic Church's entire position on women.  As someone with a daughter, he's right to be skeptical of that influence.  I know when I have daughters, I will have to do a lot of talks about Catholic theology and how I believe the Church is WRONG on several counts.  Then you have Catholic education.  Then you have the sacraments for the daughter.  

I think it's a big enough deal that I make my position on Catholicism in the home pretty clear as soon as I feel a relationship might be going somewhere.  Because I DO want a Catholic home, and I know that not all people might be open to sending kids to Catholic school, sacraments, attending mass, saying rosaries, advent wreaths, etc.  I see Catholicism as permeating all aspects of my life.  It permeates all aspects of my home as well.  

6 minutes ago, 99bottlesofPlexus said:

So what do I do? Just forget about it, and follow his religion?

You can be a Catholic, as others have said.  You can still practice the Catholic faith.  You just may not be able to be a Catholic in good standing with the Church.  As others have cited, even some saints followed this path.

You could decide that you can no longer tolerate your husband's past and leave him.

You could decide to follow another faith.  

You have many choices.  But you need to make choices for YOURSELF, and what you are trying to do right now is making choices for someone else.  

[feministxtian]

7 minutes ago, 99bottlesofPlexus said:

So what do I do? Just forget about it, and follow his religion?

Sometimes in a marriage you have to put YOUR wants aside for the greater good...like your marriage. If he feels that strongly about it, then you may have to learn to accept and deal with it with enough grace to not use it as a club against his head. That sort of thing works both ways in a marriage. It also seems that neither one of you have the ability to talk this out in a rational, non-emotional manner, and one of you is flat out determined to get her way no matter what...which is a recipe for killing the marriage. Giving an ultimatum is also a quick way to kill a marriage, it backs the other party into a corner and that's a place nobody wants to be. 

[Coconut Flan]

Did either of them not intend to be faithful?  Were they both mature enough to comprehend what a marriage is?  A lot of getting an annulment can depend on the diocese where you file.  Each diocese has a tribunal to work on the process and at least ours has classes to attend so that one can gain a full understanding of the process before entering into it and also assistance with completing all the forms, interviews, and such. 

As others have said before getting fully engaged with the idea that your husband is deliberately keeping you from something you want, going to RCIA, undertaking self-study, attending classes on the tribunal process, and getting personal growth counseling would all be very beneficial.  Also you are Catholic so begin living the Catholic life and make sure it's what you want.  This is a lifelong commitment as allegedly your marriage was meant to be.  I know that sounds a bit snarky, but you need to consider that as any priest worth his salt would if you presented this to him as you have to us.  A test of two to three years of the strength of your commitment to gaining licit access to the Eucharist is not a bad thing nor is it a bad idea for anyone thinking of doing the same.

[usedbicycle]

11 minutes ago, 99bottlesofPlexus said:

So what do I do? Just forget about it, and follow his religion?

Go to Sunday mass, participate in communion if your conscience allows, join the choir, pray the rosary, go to confession and socialize with other Catholics. Allow your husband to live our his faith however he wants. Pray for his conversion if you like, but don't mention it or push. Leave it in the hands of God. Don't expect that an annulment will ever happen, because it will most certainly be rejected. 

People in the Church will respect you for faithfully standing by your husband and not badmouthing him, even if he doesn't come to Church with you. There are many ressources for Catholics with Protestant or non-religious spouses. It's not the end of the world.

[formergothardite]

28 minutes ago, 99bottlesofPlexus said:

So what do I do? Just forget about it, and follow his religion?

Only you can decide what you should do. We can't do it for you. What are you expecting your husband to do? Just change himself to suit you?  Do you think you will feel less anger towards him if he just gives in and changes a part of his past to please you? Have you considered how he might feel down the road if he gave in because he felt so much pressure from you? 

I'm not sure what exactly you want from us? We can't change your husband. You can't change your husband, you can only change yourself. 

[Palimpsest]

45 minutes ago, IntrinsicallyDisordered said:

Taking the Eucharist while not in a state of grace is a mortal sin.  

 

38 minutes ago, PennySycamore said:

@Palimpsest, receiving the Eucharist while not in a state of grace would be considered sacrilege.  While that would be a serious sin, it might not be a mortal sin as I was taught. I was received in into a more liberal Catholic Church (at least it was more liberal on the USA in the 70s) and we considered very few sins to be mortal sins.  

So, although there is a slight difference of opinion here on how bad a sin it is, I can see why @99bottlesofPlexus got rather snippy about people telling her just to take the Eucharist without jumping through the requisite Catholic hoops.  Taking the Eucharist without the proper permissions would be a sin.

29 minutes ago, 99bottlesofPlexus said:

So what do I do? Just forget about it, and follow his religion?

Only you can decide that. 

As others have said, you could keep on being a Catholic (by Baptism) who is not allowed to receive the Eucharist.  

But as a non-Catholic and atheist looking at this objectively:  I suppose you could divorce your husband and confess whatever sin it is to marry a non-Catholic (divorced man who got a dispensation for his first marriage) outside the Church in the first place.  I assume you wouldn't have to get an annulment for your divorce because that marriage was not in the Catholic Church. 

Then I suppose you could live in sin with him anyway.  You'd need to check on whether that would put you out of a state of grace and eliminate taking the Eucharist.

It's a problem.

Again, we don't make the rules for the Catholic church so it is rather pointless getting angry with us.

And I am not recommending that you divorce your husband.  I am merely pointing out the alternatives.

 

 

[Candydandy]

28 minutes ago, louisa05 said:

I'm thinking really hard here, but I can't think of a household rule we have that "aligns with Catholicism". All I can come up with is not eating meat on Friday during Lent, but surely that won't kill the poor man. Or you know, she can fry him a burger while she eats something else or they can go out and he can have steak and she can have fish. Other than that, I'm not coming up with any household rules that "align with Catholicism" and I'm a convert married to a cradle Catholic. 

But I guess if you really believe we're a cult, you assume we have a lot of hidden daily rules???? 

They will not have to "marry in the church". It would amount to a small service to bless the existing marriage. I know people who have remarried without an annulment then done it when the annulment was completed. It's not a big deal. 

Not to be a nit picker but having a marriage service in the Church is the same as marrying in the church. The couple will say vowsin the church, at the altar. It may be a big deal to her husband. 

[IntrinsicallyDisordered]

36 minutes ago, louisa05 said:

I'm thinking really hard here, but I can't think of a household rule we have that "aligns with Catholicism". All I can come up with is not eating meat on Friday during Lent, but surely that won't kill the poor man. Or you know, she can fry him a burger while she eats something else or they can go out and he can have steak and she can have fish. Other than that, I'm not coming up with any household rules that "align with Catholicism" and I'm a convert married to a cradle Catholic. 

But I guess if you really believe we're a cult, you assume we have a lot of hidden daily rules???? 

I guess you missed the part where I am Catholic???

Household rules in our house off the top of my head - no meat on fridays for the whole household. 1 to 3 rosaries a day, to be prayed together, no matter what else was going on.  Various novenas and other devotions, daily.  Mass every day for awhile, weekly and on all holy days of obligation the rest of the time, no matter what was going on.  Weekly confession and sometimes extra, no choice in going.  No ability to say no to CCD or confirmation.  No media that was felt to be anti-Catholic, and that included anything that might be insulting, if we didn't hide it it would be thrown out.  Daily examinations of conscience and reminders of everything that was a sin, but remember that being scrupulous is also a sin.

I realize a lot of this was my mom's issue and not the church's but my family was not the only one I knew like that and the OP sounds a lot like she is looking for something in her life that will make it good and right if only she does everything good and right.  There is always a way you can be a better Catholic.

None of that is my real problem with the RCC though, btw.  It's just what I thought might touch her husband directly or indirectly through their child.

[louisa05]

1 minute ago, IntrinsicallyDisordered said:

I guess you missed the part where I am Catholic???

Household rules in our house off the top of my head - no meat on fridays for the whole household. 1 to 3 rosaries a day, to be prayed together, no matter what else was going on.  Various novenas and other devotions, daily.  Mass every day for awhile, weekly and on all holy days of obligation the rest of the time, no matter what was going on.  Weeky confession and sometimes extra, no choice in going.  No ability to say no to CCD or confirmation.  No media that was felt to be anti-Catholic, and that included anything that might be insulting, if we didn't hide it it would be thrown out.  Daily examinations of conscience and reminders of everything that was a sin, but remember that being scrupulous is also a sin.

I realize a lot of this was my mom's issue and not the church's but my family was not the only one I knew like that and the OP sounds a lot like she is looking for something in her life that will make it good and right if only she does everything good and right.  There is always a way you can be a better Catholic.

None of that is my real problem with the RCC though, btw.  It's just what I thought might touch her husband. 

The majority of those aren't rules. Those are rituals and practices. And most of what you list is optional. The daily examination of conscience would be considered being overly scrupulous, something that the church often cautions people against, actually, as it is potentially damaging. The only actual "rules" you have in there are weekly mass and mass on holy days. In the U.S., no meat on Fridays is only during Lent now, and it is considered a discipline/practice, not a church law so a burger on Friday is not actually a sin. Confession is only required once a year to be a Catholic in good standing. 

As for media, that's your mother's preference, not a rule of the church. You admit that you think these things may have been your mother's preferences, but then you conflate them as being household rules that you assume every Catholic must be following to some degree? How do you even get there? 

We attend mass every weekend. We attend some other activities in our parish and we teach confirmation class. But those are just the ways we actively participate in our faith and we don't consider them "household rules to align with Catholicism". 

14 minutes ago, Candydandy said:

Not to be a nit picker but having a marriage service in the Church is the same as marrying in the church. The couple will say vowsin the church, at the altar. It may be a big deal to her husband. 

It may or may not be a big deal to him once he understands what it is. But it is not marrying in the church as you can't marry people who are already married. It is actually called a "convalidation" of marriage and can take as little as ten minutes. The couple expresses their consent, says the vows and the priest says a blessing. It is normally a small private event and never takes place within a mass. It also does not have to be at the altar. 

[formergothardite]

Am I understanding it correctly that he might have to lie about his past marriage to claim it wasn't valid and then have another ceremony in the Catholic church even though he doesn't actually support the Catholic church? And people think that it is reasonable to request this of someone when they really don't want to do any of that? Just requesting them to have a Catholic ceremony when they view the Catholic church as wrong is asking a great deal. 

[IntrinsicallyDisordered]

9 minutes ago, louisa05 said:

The majority of those aren't rules. Those are rituals and practices. And most of what you list is optional. The daily examination of conscience would be considered being overly scrupulous, something that the church often cautions people against, actually, as it is potentially damaging. The only actual "rules" you have in there are weekly mass and mass on holy days. In the U.S., no meat on Fridays is only during Lent now, and it is considered a discipline/practice, not a church law so a burger on Friday is not actually a sin. Confession is only required once a year to be a Catholic in good standing. 

As for media, that's your mother's preference, not a rule of the church. You admit that you think these things may have been your mother's preferences, but then you conflate them as being household rules that you assume every Catholic must be following to some degree? How do you even get there? 

We attend mass every weekend. We attend some other activities in our parish and we teach confirmation class. But those are just the ways we actively participate in our faith and we don't consider them "household rules to align with Catholicism". 

It may or may not be a big deal to him once he understands what it is. But it is not marrying in the church as you can't marry people who are already married. It is actually called a "convalidation" of marriage and can take as little as ten minutes. The couple expresses their consent, says the vows and the priest says a blessing. It is normally a small private event and never takes place within a mass. It also does not have to be at the altar. 

Yes, thanks, I know I'm cautioned against being scrupulous.  I've been warned I will go to hell for it, in fact (and not by my mother, by a priest).  Really puts a cherry on top of all the other sins.

As I said, I wasn't the only one who experienced this growing up, who I knew in person.  On the internet I've met many more.  The original poster was reminding me of my mother.  I spoke from the heart and my experience.

I'm really glad your experience and your family's is so lovely and relaxed but it isn't universal.

[Georgiana]

3 minutes ago, formergothardite said:

Am I understanding it correctly that he might have to lie about his past marriage to claim it wasn't valid and then have another ceremony in the Catholic church even though he doesn't actually support the Catholic church? And people think that it is reasonable to request this of someone when they really don't want to do any of that? Just requesting them to have a Catholic ceremony when they view the Catholic church as wrong is asking a great deal. 

I mean TECHNICALLY you could ask the Church to check into whether your marriage was really valid without making any claims one way or another, go to the Tribunal, answer honestly, and let the Church make their determination.  It's possibly theologically preferable to take no stance on the validity of your own marriage yourself, and instead fully defer to Church authority.  It is, however, personally degrading to take that stance, IMO. 

I personally still feel like this is a lot to ask.  This is my own Church and I would still bridle at the thought of having Church officials ask personal questions about my past relationships.  

My position is that at the end of the day, an annulment should be a personal choice.  If YOU would like the Church to examine a past marriage, and YOU are willing to have your life laid bare before the Church, cool.  But I don't think it's a fair thing to require of someone else.  

[Coconut Flan]

14 minutes ago, louisa05 said:

Confession is only required once a year to be a Catholic in good standing. 

And that only if mortal (grave) sin has been committed. 

[hoipolloi]

14 hours ago, Georgiana said:

Annulments are huge, massive deals. My parents had 7 priests celebrate their wedding, almost all of my parents’ AND grandparents’ friends are Catholic, and I didn’t even have a non-Catholic friend until I was 12. I know a TON of Catholics, including ones in your position. I know 0 people who have gotten annulments.

Raised UU here but even I know this. 

The only annulments I recall hearing about at any time were Joe Kennedy II's (and the Vatican reversed it) and Princess Caroline of Monaco.

[Meggo]

2 minutes ago, Coconut Flan said:

And that only if mortal (grave) sin has been committed. 

So - if she is married to someone who is not Catholic and hasn't had his marriage annulled - it would be a sin to take Communion? Even if she confessed and did penance for it? Like it will ALWAYS be a sin?

I didn't get married in the Catholic church - despite my mother practically demanding that I do that. So when it was an issue - I called up her priest. I explained how I was getting married - he wasn't Catholic - I was barely Catholic and my mother was pushing us to have a Catholic wedding. The priest said "Tell her I won't do it. That if you later want to have your marriage blessed, I'd be more than happy to do so - but I won't marry you in the church just because that's what she wants." (go Father!)

Either way - he didn't ASK if my husband had been previously married.

[Coconut Flan]

6 minutes ago, Meggo said:

Either way - he didn't ASK if my husband had been previously married.

They would have eventually if you'd wanted a church wedding. 

[singsingsing]

I'm not Catholic, but I come from a Catholic background. There are absolutely countless things about just being Catholic and raising your child Catholic that a non-Catholic might find uncomfortable, objectionable, or even unacceptable. Just the act of attempting to raise a child in a certain religion when one of the parents is not of that religion can be incredibly difficult. Is the Catholic mother going to be okay with the Protestant father answering their child's religious questions? What if he doesn't believe certain things that the mother wants taught to the child - is he expected to lie? Would he be okay with doing that? What if he finds certain practices totally unacceptable - who compromises in that scenario? And I'm talking about basic things like the basic sacraments, teachings and traditions of the Church, not even over-the-top stuff like the super zealous converts and fundie Catholics we follow here are into.

[EmmieJ]

47 minutes ago, IntrinsicallyDisordered said:

Household rules in our house off the top of my head - no meat on fridays for the whole household. 1 to 3 rosaries a day, to be prayed together, no matter what else was going on.  Various novenas and other devotions, daily.  Mass every day for awhile, weekly and on all holy days of obligation the rest of the time, no matter what was going on.  Weekly confession and sometimes extra, no choice in going.  No ability to say no to CCD or confirmation.  No media that was felt to be anti-Catholic, and that included anything that might be insulting, if we didn't hide it it would be thrown out.  Daily examinations of conscience and reminders of everything that was a sin, but remember that being scrupulous is also a sin.

Wow!  I was raised Catholic but I guess we were Catholic-lite.  During Lent, we did not eat meat on Fridays, but we did during the rest of the year.  My grandmother (old school Catholic) recited her rosary every day but we never did.  I have never once recited the rosary, although I've said many a Hail Mary and the Lord's Prayer over the years.  Mass on Sunday mornings, and on Ash Wednesday.  Weekly confessions?  Nope.  Every once in awhile, but my dad (who was Catholic) didn't make a big deal of it.  I think his mind set was "they're kids, how serious could their sins be?"  We did go to CCD and we did get confirmed -- but we weren't rebellious kids and no one even considered that we might have an option of not doing these things.  Just like we never considered telling our parents we were going to drop out of school in the 7th grade.  Just never crossed our minds.   We got the local paper and the San Francisco Chronicle (and I well remember reading Tales of the City as a high schooler; my mom loved it too - and that's was fairly racy stuff back in the mid '70's). 

There are all kinds of Catholics who practice their religion in many different and varying degrees.  For the record, I no longer identify as Catholic, but I still claim the privilege of laughing at jokes about Catholics because I can relate.  I have absolutely zero desire to rejoin the church.  When my parents married in the early 50's, my father was Catholic and my mother was Presbyterian.  They did get married in the Catholic Church and my mom did agree to raise any children as Catholic.  She did not convert, nor did my father wish her to do so.  She attended church with us on Easter and Christmas.  She was the absolutely best, most Christian person I have ever known or ever will know.  (My dad was a pretty decent sort too.) 

To the OP:  If your husband does not feel it would be right to seek an annulment, then he shouldn't do it.    It sounds like there are underlying issues between you and your husband beyond your wish to fully embrace Catholicism.  Others have suggested that marital counseling (either on your own or together) might be beneficial.  I would agree. 

After I had my son, my emotions were all over the place for about the first six months.  I wonder if something similar is going on with you.  I just remember being overwhelmed with love for my baby, intense protective feelings, I would cry at the thought of "what if my baby had been born to another mother, one who would have mistreated him?" and I'd start crying at that thought, and so on.  Just a lot of very intense emotions probably fueled by lack of sleep and hormones re-adjusting after giving birth.  I'm not saying this is the case in your situation, but I am suggesting that you allow yourself (and your husband) a little bit of time to adjust to life as new parents, and make it through the first year of your baby's life (that first year was probably the toughest on me), and then re-evaluate your religious decisions. 

[formergothardite]

39 minutes ago, Georgiana said:

I mean TECHNICALLY you could ask the Church to check into whether your marriage was really valid without making any claims one way or another, go to the Tribunal, answer honestly, and let the Church make their determination.

So if he actually believes his last marriage was valid(and it appears he does) then he could go through all this and the church still refuse annulment? They would be right back at where they were except he would have gone through a humiliating ordeal that he didn't really want to go through. 

@99bottlesofPlexus, if your husband answered questions honestly during the Tribunal and the church decided that the marriage was valid, what would your reaction be? Would you view the church as preventing you from becoming a member or still see it as him? I think an important step would to see how you would feel towards your husband if honest answers from him result in you still not being allowed the full membership. 

[VelociRapture]

@99bottlesofPlexus I was born and confirmed as a Catholic, though I left the Church shortly after my Confirmation when I was 14 (I felt pressured into joining.) My husband was also born and confirmed Catholic, though he also has left the Church. 

You've received a lot of advice so far, but as a newer parent myself I want to address that specifically. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but you came across as incredibly dismissive of your husband’s opinion in regards to raising your daughter Catholic and that’s just not ok. She is his child too and, so long as he isn’t abusive or unhealthy to be around, he deserves to have an equal say in how she is raised. He has indicated that he isn’t comfortable with your daughter being raised Catholic, so I do think that idea should be shelved for the time being. That doesn't mean you can’t revisit the idea later on or you can’t introduce her to parts of your Faith - it just means you shouldn’t go through with having her baptized Catholic until your husband is on the same page as you about your daughter being raised Catholic (if that ever happens.)

I feel for you because this is a difficult position to be in. But try to see things from your husband's point of view. This has been something you’ve been thinking about for a while, but you admit it seemed to come out of nowhere for him. On top of that, you’ve told him he needs to annul his first marriage - which he’s already stated he doesn’t want to do (and despite what you’ve implied, he has every right not to want to seek an annulment)  - in order for you to be in good standing AND you told him you want the baby raised Catholic too. I mean... don’t you see how much that is to absorb all at once? Because it is. It’s a whole lot to understand and process. 

You didn’t know this is what you’d want when you got married and I get that. People grow and change throughout their lives and sometimes the direction those changes takes us is surprising. But he didn’t know this is what you’d end up wanting either and it sounds like this was all unintentionally sprung on him without warning.  I’m not surprised at all that he’s having trouble accepting everything.

I have to agree with everyone else. I think you’re being sincere about your beliefs, but I also really think you’re blaming your husband because 1) he’s an easier target then the Church you want to join and 2) because there are other issues going on in your marriage that you don’t want to think about - for instance, the fact that you didn’t feel able to communicate your spiritual journey with him as you were going through it. I seriously suggest you seek counseling before making any decisions about your marriage or your Faith - I think individualized therapy may be a good place to start prior to trying marriage counseling (if your husband comes around to the idea.) A licensed professional will be able to help you navigate your thoughts and feelings in a safe environment - these are big issues you’re dealing with and I don’t think you should jump into any one decision lightly. At the end of the day it has to be your choice though and I wish you and your family luck. 

[elsiedindin]

A friend of mine who became a Catholic went through the annulment process (he was married for a couple of years, no kids). He said he actually found the process really helpful, in that he was able to recognize in both himself and his former wife the attitudes and assumptions they had made which were contrary to the Catholic church's understanding of marriage. 

As far as being received into the church, though, I would think that an experienced RCIA director would want to proceed slowly. Sounds like there's a lot going on in your life at the moment, and it's probably a good idea to focus on that first. Please don't despair of reception into the Catholic church, and I hope you find spiritual consolation in prayer, in reading Catholic authors, in participation at religious services, and in your love for God and for your family.

[SuperSluth]

@99bottlesofPlexus When was the last time to talked to this priest?  Rules got super-strict under Nazi Pope and now, under Pope Francis, the church is getting more liberal especially on baptizing babies whose parents are not practicing Catholics (only one parent baptized and one god parent needs to baptized Catholic). I'm pretty sure you can get all the sacraments except marriage/joining a religious order. Do RCIA, go to confession right before first communion/confirmation. So you can confess your adultery/marriage situation right before.  Most priests won't like you confessing the same thing EVERY WEEK before communion, so you might want to sit back.

Every priest might not agree with me, but my understanding is that anyone can receive communion as long as the truly believe it is the body and blood, not just a symbolic gesture.  This has been an idea amongst liberal Catholics for at least 20 years or so. Here is a recent instance from Pope Francis.

https://religionnews.com/2015/11/20/pope-francis-say-lutherans-can-take-communion-catholic-mass/

I suggest you start following his tweets and read some of his ideas on the future of the Church.  It may take a while for your local Catholic community to catch on, but much is changing.

P.S.  I am now a cafeteria Catholic.  In high school I was very serious in practicing Catholicism and thought I would become a nun.  I would say go to church, take the Eucharist and call it a day, ask the priest about baptizing your daughter and try not to obsess about "mortal sin" and other nonsense.  Jesus wants you to come to church and be apart of the community.  All these other hoops have been made up over the last 2000 years.

[punkiepie]

I don't presume to know what or how God thinks @99bottlesofPlexus but I am pretty sure that God would not think your husband should lie to a bunch of priests about his previous marriage in order to obtain an annulment so that you can eventually become a full member, in good-standing, of the Catholic church.  Using a legal principle here- it's kind of like fruit of the poisonous tree- on paper you might be a member in good standing, but if it's all based on a lie, then on paper is all it is.  

I was raised fundie IFB, but my paternal grandma was Catholic.  Being very Baptist, my mom of course objected to any kind of infant baptism.  My grandma, fearing for my immortal soul, consulted with her priest, and with his blessing, she "baptized" me in the bathtub when I was 6 weeks old. Her priest told her that it would not be valid in the eyes of the Catholic Church, but it would be for God, as God required much less than the Catholic Church.  

My point in telling you that story is to remind you that religion, of most any kind, is primarily about a relationship with God (or other higher power).  Don't get so lost in the canonical rules and minutiae that you lose sight of what is actually most important.

[VelociRapture]

29 minutes ago, SuperSluth said:

@99bottlesofPlexus When was the last time to talked to this priest?  Rules got super-strict under Nazi Pope and now, under Pope Francis, the church is getting more liberal especially on baptizing babies whose parents are not practicing Catholics (only one parent baptized and one god parent needs to baptized Catholic). I'm pretty sure you can get all the sacraments except marriage/joining a religious order. Do RCIA, go to confession right before first communion/confirmation. So you can confess your adultery/marriage situation right before.  Most priests won't like you confessing the same thing EVERY WEEK before communion, so you might want to sit back.

Every priest might not agree with me, but my understanding is that anyone can receive communion as long as the truly believe it is the body and blood, not just a symbolic gesture.  This has been an idea amongst liberal Catholics for at least 20 years or so. Here is a recent instance from Pope Francis.

https://religionnews.com/2015/11/20/pope-francis-say-lutherans-can-take-communion-catholic-mass/

I suggest you start following his tweets and read some of his ideas on the future of the Church.  It may take a while for your local Catholic community to catch on, but much is changing.

P.S.  I am now a cafeteria Catholic.  In high school I was very serious in practicing Catholicism and thought I would become a nun.  I would say go to church, take the Eucharist and call it a day, ask the priest about baptizing your daughter and try not to obsess about "mortal sin" and other nonsense.  Jesus wants you to come to church and be apart of the community.  All these other hoops have been made up over the last 2000 years.

I agree on pretty much everything other than the bolded. The OP already said she isn’t comfortable taking the Eucharist at this point and I don’t think she should unless she honestly feels it’s ok. As for baptizing the baby, if she wants to just ask the Priest a few basic questions I think that’s ok, but I really don’t think she should take it any further than that when her husband clearly isn’t on the same page as her about it. He deserves to have an equal say in how their daughter is raised when it comes to religion - I don’t think a child should be baptized unless both parents are ok with it (or at least not opposed to the idea.)