Lori Alexander 48: The Complaining of the Shrew

[Sarah92]

7 hours ago, Koala said:

Amen to that.  If you think letting your husband terrorize your kids= godly, then you don't deserve to keep them.  

My mother was married 4 times.  Husband #3 was very quick to hit/threaten/insult.  Husband #4 liked to remind me that I was on my way out the door, and that he thought I was a complete bitch (<---yeah, that one was a Methodist minister).  

It taught me to loathe myself.  I literally thought I was worthless, and it caused a lot of problems for me as a young teen.  I figured that if my mom didn't do anything to stop what was happening to me, then obviously I wasn't deserving of her protection.

My mom never made the connection- she seemed to think there was just something wrong with me, and her divorces were my fault.  Never once occurred to her that she (and the series of losers she dated/married) had totally fucked me up.  I was in my thirties before I was willing to admit that I'd been abused.  They had so effectively gas-lighted me, that I honestly thought I made her do the things she did.  Pure craziness, and I am still embarrassed to admit that I was so stupid.   

Not stupid, abusers are just that good at making you believe you're stupid and worthless. It's all just lies. And sometimes it's hard to see the abuse because often these are people we love and it doesn't make sense for them to hurt us. 

Dropping this post here because I think it needs to be seen.

 

Spoiler

 

 

 

[Lgirlrocks]

5 minutes ago, Sarah92 said:

Not stupid, abusers are just that good at making you believe you're stupid and worthless. It's all just lies. And sometimes it's hard to see the abuse because often these are people we love and it doesn't make sense for them to hurt us. 

Dropping this post here because I think it needs to be seen.

 

  Hide contents

 

 

 

Lori can’t talk to her because she has nothing to say. 

[feministxtian]

20+ years after I left my abuser I STILL hear the words in my head. STILL. I'd almost wish he would have physically beaten me more because those bruises heal...the words NEVER leave. It's actually been the cause of fights with my husband...me saying I feel utterly worthless because I'm not bringing in a paycheck right now and can't do much because of my injuries...he LOSES HIS MARBLES when I say that. He gets sorta pissed (not at me) and wants to go beat my X into a bloody pulp for trying to destroy me. 

Between the X and the mother, it's a wonder I have any self-esteem left at all. 

[Black Aliss]

On 6/12/2018 at 8:52 PM, jjmennonite said:

I’m 60 and still dealing with the evil teachings of my childhood thanks to people like Lori. FJ has really helped me unpack a lot of that. I love the snark and the thread drifts. Rarely comment because someone has usually said it better, as I’m always late. 

I'm a bit older than you and FJ has definitely given me literally hundreds of those "oh! I'm not the only one!" moments as I unpack my fundie upbringing and decide what to keep, what to discard. (Yes, it's a long process. Initially I just discarded everything about Christianity, but I'm currently a "red-letter  Christian".

Grilled pork chops, mashed winter squash, caesar salad, and a nice Provencal rose. No pictures of the headship because she is semi-famous and I'm not ready to out myself just yet.

[feministxtian]

Somebody needs to post this to Lori's page...the probable result of taking her advice about staying with an abuser.

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/nation-world/national/article213265059.html 

From the headline: 'I think she just died:' He called 911 days after using 'everything' to beat wife, Wash. deputies say

[Sarah92]

I've reported this post like I've done with so many others. And Lori deleted the comments. She has absolutely no clue the damage she is causing. Actually maybe she does and just doesn't care because it's "godly" suffering. Fuck that, I don't cuss on the Internet often but she brings it out. 

In the past when my brother was drunk, he'd often say horrible stuff about my family even about my sister and I. I'm 8 years younger and she's 13 years younger than him. We were really too young to have done anything to earn the things he said. We were rarely involved with the conflicts that set him off. I was basically the "princessy bitch who thought she was perfect". Mind you, I was maybe all of 13/14 when I first started listening to what he said. My self esteem was at its lowest but apparently I was too prideful which made me feel worse.

To this day I don't always like people calling me a princess or referring to myself as a princess. My name literally means princess but he destroyed that for me for a while. I still cringe when people even joke about me being "perfect". 

Hearing those words and others were horrible and experiencing his alcoholism (a summary of the stuff he put us through) was pretty traumatic but it wasn't the level abuse that many have faced. If I have problems from a few direct experiences how much more would someone with prolonged abuse? Because Lori apparently hasn't experienced it she can't possibly understand what she's writing about.

She claims it's an angry husband when abuse goes way beyond anger. It's a raging, manipulative, narcissistic beast that seeks to destroy. No child should have to experience the helplessness of seeing their parent beaten and not being able to do anything about it. No child should be called a bitch or a mistake. No spouse should have to deal with the end of a gun or knife. 

 

[Hisey]

32 minutes ago, feministxtian said:

Somebody needs to post this to Lori's page...the probable result of taking her advice about staying with an abuser.

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/nation-world/national/article213265059.html 

From the headline: 'I think she just died:' He called 911 days after using 'everything' to beat wife, Wash. deputies say

Just reading your comment has me terribly triggered and sad. This is why I hate Lori's writings so much. I know the type of man who can do this sort of thing. That could easily have been my own mother. I know, also, the type of woman who stays and stays and tries and tries. Usually they are very gentle and good people who can't quite believe that it's not their fault.

I'm dealing with a situation now where I suspect an old friend (who lives far away) is being abused by her husband. She has isolated herself and also unfriended me. I think it's because she knows what I suspect. This woman is also unusually kind and good. I have contacted friends near her home but don't know what else to do.

Anyway, this is why I HATE what Lori "teaches." My mother had a mindset that divorce was terribly shameful, thanks to women like Lori. That mindset kept her bruised and battered far long than she needed to be.

[feministxtian]

11 minutes ago, Hisey said:

I know, also, the type of woman who stays and stays and tries and tries. Usually they are very gentle and good people who can't quite believe that it's not their fault.

I was made aware of this very situation with a lady I know from church. I quietly spoke to my pastor about it, From what I understand (since the whole thing was handled quietly), she was helped to leave him and get on her feet financially. But, my pastor is FIRMLY against any sort of domestic abuse and he point-blank points the finger at the husband. He has said that "you cannot demand respect from your wife and children, it has to be EARNED. If they don't respect you, it's YOUR problem, not theirs" (can post link to the sermon if desired). 

My pastor pretty much worships the ground his wife walks on...and states openly that if he screwed up, he wouldn't be afraid of punishment from God, he'd be afraid of what his wife would do to him. And, this is in a very conservative IFB church. 

[Frog99]

6 hours ago, feministxtian said:

I was made aware of this very situation with a lady I know from church. I quietly spoke to my pastor about it, From what I understand (since the whole thing was handled quietly), she was helped to leave him and get on her feet financially. But, my pastor is FIRMLY against any sort of domestic abuse and he point-blank points the finger at the husband. He has said that "you cannot demand respect from your wife and children, it has to be EARNED. If they don't respect you, it's YOUR problem, not theirs" (can post link to the sermon if desired). 

My pastor pretty much worships the ground his wife walks on...and states openly that if he screwed up, he wouldn't be afraid of punishment from God, he'd be afraid of what his wife would do to him. And, this is in a very conservative IFB church. 

In a sermon a few years ago, one of our pastors talked about how wives can either build up or tear down their husbands by the things they say. But before he said it, he gave a similar statement and added that he learned of any woman living in an abusive relationship, he and some of the other men in the church would be at the home with law enforcement and pick up trucks. 

[Free Jana Duggar]

I see Lori is back on her public school diatribe this morning.  Our family has done both public and private school, and never had a problem with either.

I did speak with the public school principal when my children were in middle school concerning what was taught as far as sex ed. I asked about specific issues that I would not want my children being taught. She (yes, an evil working woman who attended the local Methodist church) told me not to worry and said, "I won't have that crap in my school."  

Currently, we are pplying to a private Christian school. My children needed a reference from one of their teachers. Guess what...my daughter's teacher told her that she goes to the church that hosts the school.

[PhoenixRising]

15 hours ago, Briefly said:

I am so sorry you had to go through that and that you have been treated that way by others.  It wasn't right. You did what you were able to do at the time, it's very easy for people to say "why didn't you leave?" when they have not been in that situation. I have not been, but I have a very good friend who was verbally abused by her husband for years and she believed that she had to honor her marriage vows and stay. Until she finally got fed up and left.  She did get back together with him because her adult daughter made her feel so guilty for leaving and making Dad feel so sad, my friend was simply not able to cope with her daughter making her feel guilty.  She went back to her husband and he was a lot better, but then their daughter was diagnosed with cancer and eventually died at age 26. Her 3 children were in my friend's care because the daughter's husband basically left after the daughter/his wife died.  I suspected at the time that my friend's husband was starting to verbally abuse her again, although I never was certain.  Then he died and she admitted to me that he had also been physically abusive before they separated.  She finally realized that it was never her fault, but she had to come to that conclusion on her own to be able to leave and then to heal.  She was not responsible for her husband's actions and you were not responsible for your parent's actions - if they are dishonored, it's their fault and not yours.  Please ignore those relatives that try to convince you that you made it up!

Thank you for sharing this story, and thank you for your support.  I know that those relatives identify with my parents on some level, and therefore take my sin of dishonoring my parents personally. Ive accepted that I can’t make them understand my experiences. 

I’m so sorry that your friend had to deal with abuse on top of her daughter’s guilt tripping. I’m glad that she realized that it wasn’t her fault! I hope that she is able to heal. 

 

 

[Frog99]

When she did her re-post this morning, the author’s name- Ray Fournier- was clickable. It took me to this page where he issues an apology for terminology and asks that anyone who posted his article take it down and replace it: https://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/behind-enemy-lines/

Interestingly enough, she has edited the post and his name is no longer clickable. But a quick internet search took me to what I had previously read. 

And, I searched her site for the post- it shows 44 comments, but I can’t access them. https://lorialexander.blogspot.com/search/label/Child Raising?updated-max=2014-12-13T06:00:00-08:00&amp;max-results=20&amp;start=133&amp;by-date=false&amp;m=1

I think she is evil and manipulative. 

[AlwaysDiscerning]

@Frog99 I've had an issue with not seeing comments on her old blog. For me it was a browser issue. I forget which one worked but play around with different browsers and see if that does the trick. 

[PhoenixRising]

13 hours ago, feministxtian said:

20+ years after I left my abuser I STILL hear the words in my head. STILL. I'd almost wish he would have physically beaten me more because those bruises heal...the words NEVER leave. It's actually been the cause of fights with my husband...me saying I feel utterly worthless because I'm not bringing in a paycheck right now and can't do much because of my injuries...he LOSES HIS MARBLES when I say that. He gets sorta pissed (not at me) and wants to go beat my X into a bloody pulp for trying to destroy me. 

Between the X and the mother, it's a wonder I have any self-esteem left at all. 

Verbal and emotional abuse is sooo hard to overcome. Do you have access to health insurance and other resources to engage in therapies? You deserve to have the opportunity to heal from the abuse that you endured. You are worthy of love and dignity regardless of your ability to bring in a paycheck, or your ability to do any work.

I know that you are feeling like your present confirms what your abusers said to you. What you feel and what you’ve been experiencing as a consequence of their abuse is not uncommon. Abusers get in our heads and continue to be an abusive presence, even when they are not physically there anymore. We have hope. We can acquire tools to defuse,  and to cope with their presence as our inner-critic. 

My therapists have told me to remind myself that my abusers’ toxic shame isn’t mine. They have advised me to disown it, by labeling every self-critical thought with my abuser’s name(s). Giving that toxic influence a name is helping me to separate it from who I am. I have to work daily on making progress in my healing process. It may be helpful for you to do the same. We are more than our pasts. 

You aren’t what your abuser’s voice tells you that you are. 

[squiddysquid]

i reported the "She married a monster post"

Can somebody link the posts where she talks about hitting children?

Found one: The majority of Americans still believe that spanking, NOT physical abuse, is still acceptable, thankfully,

[Sarah92]

Ehh I stayed a pretty strict conservative Christian throughout HS and through undergrad. It wasn't until after that I became essentially moderate/ no party politically and more "liberal" in my theology (I.e women being able to lead). How'd that happen? Pinterest. Pinterest sent me down the road of feminism and I went from there. You never know when ebil feminism is gonna pop up.  And Lori's blog only serves to maintain my beliefs because of her misuse of scripture and Vile teachings. 

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

The Transformed Wife 2.0 appears to be back on Facebook .  They say  Lori the bitch tried to take them down but failed. Yeah!  Lori pushes all my buttons.

I have to do a garbage run to the dump and I'm going to pretend Lori  is in every bag.  Childish yes but it makes me feel better.

 

[feministxtian]

1 hour ago, PhoenixRising said:

You aren’t what your abuser’s voice tells you that you are. 

I've been in therapy off and on for quite a while. But...the BEST therapy is what my husband tells me when I get in one of those moods. He builds me up, constantly. He's the one who tells me that being out of work is SO not a big deal, and he likes that it gives HIM the chance to provide for me. He tells me I'm the smartest person he's ever known and he loves that I'm a "smarty-pants" and know so many things and have taught HIM so much. 

So...I guess I hit the jackpot...and as a result the little voices in my head become quieter and quieter. I still don't know what he sees in me, but I know that when he looks at me he doesn't see the gray hair, the extra 80 lbs, the saggy, baggy 54 year old woman I am...he sees only the woman he loves. 

[Loveday]

1 hour ago, AlwaysDiscerning said:

@Frog99 I've had an issue with not seeing comments on her old blog. For me it was a browser issue. I forget which one worked but play around with different browsers and see if that does the trick. 

I've tried several browsers, and still can't see the comments on her old blog. I have a feeling she's removed them all.

[delphinium65]

13 minutes ago, feministxtian said:

I've been in therapy off and on for quite a while. But...the BEST therapy is what my husband tells me when I get in one of those moods. He builds me up, constantly. He's the one who tells me that being out of work is SO not a big deal, and he likes that it gives HIM the chance to provide for me. He tells me I'm the smartest person he's ever known and he loves that I'm a "smarty-pants" and know so many things and have taught HIM so much. 

So...I guess I hit the jackpot...and as a result the little voices in my head become quieter and quieter. I still don't know what he sees in me, but I know that when he looks at me he doesn't see the gray hair, the extra 80 lbs, the saggy, baggy 54 year old woman I am...he sees only the woman he loves. 

I haven't done therapy, suppose I'm too private a person for my own good where my real feelings are concerned, but your husband sounds a LOT like mine.  Are you sure we aren't married to the same man?     And you're absolutely right, having people like them in our lives make a huge difference!  

[Hisey]

56 minutes ago, feministxtian said:

I've been in therapy off and on for quite a while. But...the BEST therapy is what my husband tells me when I get in one of those moods. He builds me up, constantly. He's the one who tells me that being out of work is SO not a big deal, and he likes that it gives HIM the chance to provide for me. He tells me I'm the smartest person he's ever known and he loves that I'm a "smarty-pants" and know so many things and have taught HIM so much. 

So...I guess I hit the jackpot...and as a result the little voices in my head become quieter and quieter. I still don't know what he sees in me, but I know that when he looks at me he doesn't see the gray hair, the extra 80 lbs, the saggy, baggy 54 year old woman I am...he sees only the woman he loves. 

I know! Mine too. Continually baffles me.

[mango_fandango]

There's a series on Netflix (maybe just the British one) called "Britain's Darkest Taboos"; most of the cases are about domestic abuse relationships, where the victim ends up dead (there are some involving sexual abuse/rape or stalking where the victim did survive). It can and does happen. In one example, the abuse is between a man and a wife, but it's the children who end up dead. 

Abusive people do. not. change. The relationship doesn't start off with violence, the abuser doesn't walk around advertising that they're an asshole; they lay the charm on thick and make out like they're amazing, which is why, when they start being abusive and revealing their true colours, the victim thinks that by doing xyz, the abuser will go back to the nice so-and-so... which they never were. This is why simply praying WILL NOT FUCKING WORK, LORI, YOU ASSHAT.

Massive hugs to people who've come out of abusive situations and are having to deal with their demons everyday. Leaving that kind of environment takes a lot of strength and courage; respect to those who have managed. I've got my own issues but they're nowhere near as serious as some. 

[Hisey]

4 hours ago, Free Jana Duggar said:

I see Lori is back on her public school diatribe this morning.  Our family has done both public and private school, and never had a problem with either.

I did speak with the public school principal when my children were in middle school concerning what was taught as far as sex ed. I asked about specific issues that I would not want my children being taught. She (yes, an evil working woman who attended the local Methodist church) told me not to worry and said, "I won't have that crap in my school."  

Currently, we are pplying to a private Christian school. My children needed a reference from one of their teachers. Guess what...my daughter's teacher told her that she goes to the church that hosts the school.

My teen daughter is one day into summer vacation. She spent that day with me, and we did everything she enjoys, things that are hard to do during the school year. That same evening, she told me, tearfully, that she missed her friends so much. 

She is such a fun, delightful kid that I would love to homeschool her. But she desperately needs (and loves) the social contact. Granted, she is an extrovert.

Even my oldest, who's more of an introvert, loves, loves, loves being with her friends. I don't see how fundies can overlook (never even mention) this important issue--that most kids need other kids, and that it's hard for homeschoolers to meet this need.  I'd love to homeschool, as I've said in the past, but I'd find it hard to provide the level of social contact that kids (mine, at least) seem to need.

Free Jana, it sounds like you had a good setup in the public school. However, I'd be hesitant about an educator who calls other points of view "crap." That is not teaching respect for other people's opinions. (Unless she was referring to something truly evil, like pedophilia.) I have devout Christian friends who disapprove of things like abortion and gay marriage. However, my friends are kind, respectful people who would never say that my differing views were "crap."

 

[Carol]

Lori is an admitted physical, emotional and mental abuser.  She can't abuse Ken anymore because divorce and her children are grown so it's not easy for her to find immediate victims anymore.  She discovered she could continue her abuse through her blog, so she turned up the heat and made it her life's work.  Despite her explanations there is nothing Christlike about her mission.  It's all ugliness and she derives a great deal of satisfaction from it.  

She is one very, sick fuck married to another sick fuck.  She'll never quit abusing unless she gets psychological help.  And that's never going to happen.

[Hisey]

Quote

There's a series on Netflix (maybe just the British one) called "Britain's Darkest Taboos"; most of the cases are about domestic abuse relationships, where the victim ends up dead (there are some involving sexual abuse/rape or stalking where the victim did survive). It can and does happen. In one example, the abuse is between a man and a wife, but it's the children who end up dead. 

Sometimes, abusers who are faced with divorce kill the kids and then themselves. They kill the kids to "punish" their spouse. They kill themselves because they are too cowardly to face the consequences.

There was a family about 10 years ago in North Carolina, where the crazy father shot his two little boys after learning his wife wanted a divorce (then he killed himself). One child died, and other other was left permanently blinded. The surviving boy is now about 19 and is a truly remarkable young man. He is very active in social media and AMAs, so I don't think he'd mind me telling his story. He is so strong, positive, kind, and a champion swimmer. I find myself fascinated by his courage and his lack of bitterness as he navigates the world as a blind man. He went to sleep one summer's night at the age of 8, and woke up in the hospital with his eyesight gone and his older brother dead (and his loser father dead). As a busy, active little boy, probably oblivious to adult relationships, he'd had no idea his father was an abusive, controlling nut. What a horrible loss of innocence at such a young age.

And it's women like Lori who encourage women to stay in such marriages. It's women like Lori that act like divorce from an abuser is shameful.