Josh, Anna, and the M&Ms: Part 17

[Carm_88]

21 minutes ago, SilverBeach said:

The body pressure put on women period is horrific.

Oh women can't win.

Overweight? You need to lose it. You'd be so pretty if you lost the weight. 

Chubby? It's just the last 10 pounds. 

Lose the weight? Are you sick or something? You were fine the way you were.

Average weight? You could be more toned.

Thin: Are you anorexic?

Muscled: You look like a man! 

Pregnant? You're huge! You must be so so uncomfortable

Just Gave Birth: Time to lose the baby weight

[Sky with diamonds]

24 minutes ago, Carm_88 said:

Oh women can't win.

Overweight? You need to lose it. You'd be so pretty if you lost the weight. 

Chubby? It's just the last 10 pounds. 

Lose the weight? Are you sick or something? You were fine the way you were.

Average weight? You could be more toned.

Thin: Are you anorexic?

Muscled: You look like a man! 

Pregnant? You're huge! You must be so so uncomfortable

Just Gave Birth: Time to lose the baby weight

Sick...if you prayed more it would not have happened.

Stressed...pray more.

 

Yada, yada. It turns my stomach when I hear some things, I tell you. 

[Jinder Roles]

Yes! And don’t forget only certain body types are acceptable.

If you don’t have a defined waist and hips, you get called Spongebob, stuffed sausage, bad-bodied etc. 

If you have a curvy figure you get hypersexualized or called fat...usually both depending on the day. 

[tabitha2]

Reminds of a news story I read awhile back. Young girl was in high school, naturally tiny maybe 100lb wet but completely healthy had one the councilors  who  was up in her face constantly about how she was anorexic or had an eating disorder and needed help. Girl kept trying to explain this was simply her body type but the woman would not back off. I know the school officials need to be proactive but harassing, haranguing  and not listening is the complete opposite of helpful. 

The “real women have curves line” is Bull shit. Just because she got an A cup and no ass dosen’t make  for a fake woman or weird boy type oddity. And she just may not want to eat a sammich either thanks very much . 

[SilverBeach]

1 hour ago, tabitha2 said:

The “real women have curves line” is Bull shit.

This expression came about in a similar vein to "black lives matter", as a reaction to "curvy" women (read "fat") being unsexy non-feminine females.  Black lives matter does not mean that other lives don't, and real women have curves does not mean that other women are not real women. Women at both ends of the size spectrum have been victimized by societal expectations regarding a woman's size and shape, and it does us no good to be hostile to one another. We would all be better off practicing self-love and acceptance, which is something I have struggled with all my life, especially when you never saw women like me (fat) in catalogs or advertisements. In the fashion industry, real women decidedly do not have curves. It's all bullshit.

[Daisy0322]

On 9/12/2018 at 7:02 PM, Carm_88 said:

Oh women can't win.

Overweight? You need to lose it. You'd be so pretty if you lost the weight. 

Chubby? It's just the last 10 pounds. 

Lose the weight? Are you sick or something? You were fine the way you were.

Average weight? You could be more toned.

Thin: Are you anorexic?

Muscled: You look like a man! 

Pregnant? You're huge! You must be so so uncomfortable

Just Gave Birth: Time to lose the baby weight

Yes! Thank you! I almost cried reading this. I worked so hard to lose my baby weight only for my mom to tell me today "well I guess you'll just never look as good as you use to unless you put more work into toning up." 

I cried all the way to work I was really proud of myself. My son just turned one and Im 2 lbs under my pre baby weight. I just can't get my stomach to be flat again.  I had kind of accepted it but now I feel stupid for even being excited ever. 

[Jkaeekjj]

1 hour ago, Daisy0322 said:

Yes! Thank you! I almost cried reading this. I worked so hard to lose my baby weight only for my mom to tell me today "well I guess you'll just never look as good as you use to unless you put more work into toning up." 

I cried all the way to work I was really proud of myself. My son just turned one and Im 2 lbs under my pre baby weight. I just can't get my stomach to be flat again.  I had kind of accepted it but now I feel stupid for even being excited ever. 

Wow...that was a pretty harsh statement she made. But that doesn’t mean you need to be harsh on yourself. 

You met your health goals. That’s a huge accomplishment, and you should be very proud and excited about it! That was not an easy thing to do, and I’m sure it took sacrifice and commitment (because...cake).

I, too, have reached my own personal health goals. After 6 kids, I am in better physical shape than I ever have been. I have people comment on how “cut” my legs and arms look. But my stomach still looks like a busted can of biscuits. It bothers me, but I try to remind myself on how far I’ve come. 

Congratulations on reaching your goals...that is so awesome! 

[mstee]

I feel like mothers set the tone for daughters self esteem in a lot of cases. They have the opportunity to build you up before you get into the harsh world. I’ve always been bigger and my weight fluctuates. My mom had the opportunity to do the right things when I was a kid and never did (maybe don’t serve bread with pasta or make many foods taboo-made them more appealing). She’s always been naturally thin, no matter what she ate. She would ask me if I wanted to be a “fat load” like my birth mother (I’m adopted). The last time She brought up my weight, I told her that her shaming me for the last x number of years has not worked, why bring it up? She didn’t have an answer. I told her no more discussions, I’m done and it’s hurtful. She agreed.  But just recently we were in a grocery store and I had just had my baby. I wanted some juice that was sugary, but just so refreshing. She said I really should pass that up, wasn’t worth it. Went down the isle where she proceeded to “stock up” on candy bars for herself. 

We have a fine relationship but she’s just never been able to grasp that she had more power to be a positive influence on my body image and that’s the one thing I feel truly resentful over. I really hope to do better by my daughter. 

/end rant 

[Gobsmacked]

I'm naturally slim, take after my Dads family. Fattened up after two closely spaced pregnancies. Lost weight after returning to work and having two youths kids to look after. 

My mums comment? You are too thin. I was the weight I had been since age 14 so nothing unusual. 

#1's health issues became apparent, I ate for comfort, put weight on. 

Mums comments? You are overweight why???

Me aged 12 trying new hairstyle... Mums comments " you look like D.... She looks like a Zebra.  My mums passive aggressive comments telling me I look like a horse!!!!! 

Took me years to realise I don't!!!! I still wear my hair to hide under. She recently passed away, I miss her but not the constant negative comments that ruined my self esteem and that of both my siblings. I hit 50 before realising she couldn't help it. Just part of her DNA to be so negative. I'm learning slowly to just be me. 

My message? Just be you. Love the you you are. That's how God or whomever you believe in created you. Be proud. The world would be boring if we were all blonde, plastic copies of each other. 

Think Fox News!!!!!!!

[WiseGirl]

@Daisy0322 and @Jkaeekjj you carried and birthed babies, look at how incredible your bodies are! You both reached your health goals, don't let negative comments take that away from you. @Daisy0322you should be happy for achieving that. 

@Gobsmacked I wanted both a sad and "yes" reaction to your post. As you said love who you are and love what your body is capable of.

@mstee I too hope to do better by my daughter. She has the struggle I can only dream if - to gain weight. Believe me the struggle is real. I keep telling her as long as you are healthy, you're fine. 

 

[SapphireSlytherin]

2 hours ago, Gobsmacked said:

I still wear my hair to hide under. She recently passed away, I miss her but not the constant negative comments that ruined my self esteem and that of both my siblings. I hit 50 before realising she couldn't help it. Just part of her DNA to be so negative. I'm learning slowly to just be me. 

I miss my mom too, and it sounds like you and I had the same mom-type. 

Some days the pain of missing her is almost physical, and others - I remember how horrid she was toward me, with her cutting remarks, and it really makes me conflicted.

[melon]

SapphireSlytherin,Gobappsmacked!! My mother and I had the same type of relationship.

She died in 1996,when I was 35,and I do miss her,there were times we got along great.Then I remember her constant nagging,criticism...making me feel like nothing I did was right.Complaining about Mr Melon,my hair,my clothing,the way I chose to discipline my boys,and I don't miss that,at all.Like you said,it makes me feel conflicted,too.

And you are correct,my mother may have  had good intentions,but she shattered my self-esteem.

[PlentyOfJesusFishInTheSea]

Nothing depresses me more than women tearing themselves and others around them down for their appearance. Gah! The sad thing is, my mom is quite supportive and/or doesn't say much about appearance at all, and I still had weird body issues. So even trying your best not to model unhealthy behaviour only does so much in a world with mean teenagers and fashion magazines. On the plus side, I have a very effusive boyfriend and he has really helped turn my opinion of my own body around!

My sister (aged 39) was recently visiting and hearing her and my mom bitch about their own "imperfect" bodies was really sad. I'm not saying I have perfect self-esteem but I try really hard not to let those thoughts get taken seriously, you know?

I have idea what a solution would be (mandatory cognitive behaviour therapy for all?!) but I like to daydream about a world where women are confident and happy no matter what they look like.

[JordynDarby5]

3 hours ago, mstee said:

I feel like mothers set the tone for daughters self esteem in a lot of cases. They have the opportunity to build you up before you get into the harsh world. I’ve always been bigger and my weight fluctuates. My mom had the opportunity to do the right things when I was a kid and never did (maybe don’t serve bread with pasta or make many foods taboo-made them more appealing). She’s always been naturally thin, no matter what she ate. She would ask me if I wanted to be a “fat load” like my birth mother (I’m adopted). The last time She brought up my weight, I told her that her shaming me for the last x number of years has not worked, why bring it up? She didn’t have an answer. I told her no more discussions, I’m done and it’s hurtful. She agreed.  But just recently we were in a grocery store and I had just had my baby. I wanted some juice that was sugary, but just so refreshing. She said I really should pass that up, wasn’t worth it. Went down the isle where she proceeded to “stock up” on candy bars for herself. 

We have a fine relationship but she’s just never been able to grasp that she had more power to be a positive influence on my body image and that’s the one thing I feel truly resentful over. I really hope to do better by my daughter. 

/end rant 

I do agree with this. At least from my experience and among my friends. Many who thought they were helping but were doing the opposite including my mother. I love my mother and I know she thought her approach to try and keep me thin would work and I'd avoid problems she had as an overweight teen. Which was to be on my case all the time, single me out, constant lectures and putting me on diets. Getting angry at me over my lack of exercising. I hated exercise and dieting they always felt like punishments. No one else had to be put on diets or exercised. Getting angry or making me feel guilty when I dared to ask for seconds which eventually I stopped doing. She was really good at guilt trips. All over me to make sure I was eating all my vegetables, whole wheat bread not the white bread. She thought all of this would make me see the light when all it did was make me feel something was wrong with me because I wasn't thin. She'd talk about how much better I'd feel when I lost weigh. I'd be happier and have more self-esteem. There were a couple times when I did manage to get the weigh off and honestly I didn't feel any better. All the praise and congratulations only made me feel worse. It really felt like I was only being liked and praised for being thin. That it didn't matter how smart I was, how good of a student I was or anything else. Once the pounds went up it all went away.  All that mattered was being thin. I was left wondering why I had to change myself for other people? That I wasn't and never would be good enough because of my weigh.  Of course what ended up being the absolute biggest irony of all was when I was finally diagnosis with my first health problem. It turned out my stomach can't break down vegetables. It can't break down whole wheat or multigrain. I have to stick with a strict low-fiber diet.  She wasn't alone in that approach so many of my friends got the same approach and it didn't work. 

There were other ways better ways to teach children the important of healthy eating and exercise. My brother and sister-in-law eat healthy food along side their son. They have since he started walking taking him on walks and as he got older bike rides. My nephew doesn't see it as exercise or feels singled out because they do it together. Had my mother done that instead. That we'd all eat healthy together. That we'd all exercise together it would have been so different. 

[Jinder Roles]

My mom never tore me down for my appearance, though she did have high standards for achievement in everything else. But years of bullying and ‘joking’ comments from friends and family has my confidence shot.

Not to mention all the people in media that remind me that my Apple shape body is undesirable (and most clothing isn’t made for my body type) and I have the ‘wrong kind’ of boobs. Oh and the wrong face shape. 

At this point, I just need a good plastic surgeon and prayer. 

[SamiKatz]

3 hours ago, Gobsmacked said:

Me aged 12 trying new hairstyle... Mums comments " you look like D.... She looks like a Zebra.  My mums passive aggressive comments telling me I look like a horse!!!!! 

Took me years to realise I don't!!!! I still wear my hair to hide under. She recently passed away, I miss her but not the constant negative comments that ruined my self esteem and that of both my siblings. I hit 50 before realising she couldn't help it. Just part of her DNA to be so negative. I'm learning slowly to just be me. 

 

My mother makes very passive aggressive comments about my weight too.  Her latest "thing" is to tell me I take after my aunt, who was very obese and probably weighed about 400 lbs.  I've told her multiple times I know what I look like and that I need to lose weight and don't need her to remind me, or that I don't care what she thinks about how I look and asked her outright to stop, but she says it's all under the guise of "caring about me".  My older sister is tall, slim and has a completely different body type than me (I'm short and stocky), and my mother always, always compared me to my older sis (unfavourably).  She used to always tell me I would probably never get married 'cause men only liked really pretty women.

Recently she was visiting me at my house and suddenly said to me "I blame myself for how you've turned out in life, and that  you've never really accomplished anything".  I said to her "With a mother like you, I certainly don't need enemies", but that went over her head.

I hide all my books about growing up with toxic parents when she's around. 

[Gobsmacked]

I'm sending hugs SamiKatz. Huge giant interwebz hugs. Your Mum sounds very like mine, SapphireSlytherins and Melons. 

Huge hugs to all sisters with similar Mum types.

[Carm_88]

1 hour ago, Gobsmacked said:

I'm sending hugs SamiKatz. Huge giant interwebz hugs. Your Mum sounds very like mine, SapphireSlytherins and Melons. 

Huge hugs to all sisters with similar Mum types.

Negative mothers are awful. Mine is a passive-aggressive negative liar person. Which is so much better because I genuinely spent a lot of time in my childhood and teenage years thinking that all the people around me were saying bad things about me. They weren't. It was just my mother twisting their words and being cruel, because she could. She still tries it and I just roll my eyes.

I still can't shake the sense that people are talking about me. Even when I know that it wasn't true in the past, it's a difficult thing to shake.

[nokidsmom]

6 hours ago, mstee said:

We have a fine relationship but she’s just never been able to grasp that she had more power to be a positive influence on my body image and that’s the one thing I feel truly resentful over. I really hope to do better by my daughter. 

I, as well as my sisters, started out as skinny kids but put on weight in our teens.  When that started happening, that's when I got the comments from my mom on my weight, slapping my stomach, telling me how I needed to lose otherwise I would be "200 pounds by the time I was 18" or some such comment (thinking about that still ticks me off).  Now, my mom was overweight herself so, to teenage me, she was in no position to talk.  However trying to lose weight with all the food in the household was a tough thing indeed.  She didn't do anything to make it easier for any of us in the house, including our Dad, to lose weight in part because of the treats she got because she didn't have much willpower herself.  

I did manage to lose some weight but it was tough and most of it did eventually creep back.  Now, once I moved out of the house, the weight just peeled off with no problem because I could make my own food choices.  Interestingly enough, Mom was a bit pissed off over that.   Oh well.

ETA:  My mom was a good woman, but she had her own insecurities as we all do, which drove her worst moments as a mother.    Unfortunately the worst moments occurred more as we moved into our teenage and then our adult years.   I like to say that her (and my Dad's) parenting style was appropriate for children and maybe younger teenagers, but as adults, that style became a bit more problematic, namely because she just couldn't bear to let go.  So my childhood memories of her are good, but my teenage and adult memories not as much.  There are days where I wish I didn't feel so conflicted about her. 

[melon]

Even my grandmother could be so negative.I was never skinny,my grandmother was fat ,as a child,and she became obsessed with her weight,and everyone else's.

My weight has always fluctuated.If it went up she noticed right away,and said something.She'd make nasty remarks.How so and so needs to get that weight off..etc etc.Once,she asked me "Melon,are you doing anything about your weight???I know you aren't pregnant.Or my cousin Diane needs to do something about her weight."Diane" lost weight and my aunt and uncle sent picture.My grandmother said "Diane' was still too fat".I lost a lot of weight,and got down to 116lbs....I looked sick,but my grandmother said I looked great,I looked good in all my clothes,I looked the way she always wanted to look....and rubbed it in to my cousin."Melon,got that weight off"..."Melon watches what she eats",etc etc.I know it made my cousin feel bad.

Because,not related to weight,I was living with my grandmother...she insisted that I "Get out and work"...so I would look for jobs ,go on interviews and not get the jobs.My grandmother wanted to know exactly why.When I said I did not know,other than my lack of experience...she'd come up with a reason.I wasn't hired because I had long hair(Melon,You don't need hair hanging down your back" or because I wore perfume...she could always come up with  reason..and it made me feel bad...again self-esteem.

[Rachel333]

My mom has never made any negative comments about my weight, but she has often commented positively on me being thin, which brings its own pressure, and has made many negative comments about her own weight through the years.

(Spoiler because I'm mentioning numbers and some people might prefer to avoid it)

Spoiler

Even when my BMI was in the 13's, a full 60lbs under my ideal weight, she told me I looked great.

When my younger sisters, who are actually quite thin and are in incredible shape with athletic bodies, started making negative comments about their bodies my mom became very vocal about opposing negative body talk and has stopped criticizing her own body out loud.

Right now I'm a lot larger than I'm comfortable with, though I'm still at a healthy BMI. My mom hasn't said anything at all about my weight but lately she has made multiple comments suggesting that I go on a diet with her and even though she says it's about health and body building, not weight loss, I've been having a really hard time with it.

[Bad Wolf]

 Hugs to all of you who had critical mothers. Mine wasn't, but dad was. I was able to ignore him.

[melon]

1 hour ago, Rachel333 said:

My mom has never made any negative comments about my weight, but she has often commented positively on me being thin, which brings its own pressure, and has made many negative comments about her own weight through the years.

(Spoiler because I'm mentioning numbers and some people might prefer to avoid it)

  Hide contents

Even when my BMI was in the 13's, a full 60lbs under my ideal weight, she told me I looked great.

When my younger sisters, who are actually quite thin and are in incredible shape with athletic bodies, started making negative comments about their bodies my mom became very vocal about opposing negative body talk and has stopped criticizing her own body out loud.

Right now I'm a lot larger than I'm comfortable with, though I'm still at a healthy BMI. My mom hasn't said anything at all about my weight but lately she has made multiple comments suggesting that I go on a diet with her and even though she says it's about health and body building, not weight loss, I've been having a really hard time with it.

When I lived with my grandmother when I was 18-19,I was almost always on a diet..I told my grandmother I wanted to get down to 110lbs...I'm almost 5'5.My grandmother said I should try to get down to 105,so I'd look like my aunt(by marriage) and even my cousins,her daughters,are not slender or able to eat whatever they want without gaining weight,in other words,their figures are very much ,like mine,not their mother's...105? 110? I don't think I would look healthy at either of those weights..I had an unrealistic weight goal,then.

[sleepy_doggos]

I grew up naturally thin in a family with food/control issues and two overweight parents. I got complimented for being thin while my sister was taken to weight loss doctors in her teens. My mother was/is open about how much she hates her body for being fat (she was bullied as a child) yet turns around and tells me I look exactly like her, just a better version. I remember feeling guilty for eating snacks, hiding food, having locks on the freezer, and my sister asking us to cover for her when she ate certain foods. We didn't. I feel ashamed about it but recognize that no child wanted the anger directed towards them.
It didn't take long for disordered eating to set in. However, in college I decided enough was enough. I determine that I would never feel guilty about anything that I eat. Do I eat junk? Absolutely. Do I love nutritious, colorful, healthy food? Absolutely. Years later and I rarely feel the touch of food shaming, though I do feel off and try to readjust if a gain more weight than I'm comfortable with, and I have fears of aging due to looking like my mom!
I feel like I've escaped the worst that could happen but still feel the effects of all that shame.

[Daisy0322]

13 hours ago, Jkaeekjj said:

Wow...that was a pretty harsh statement she made. But that doesn’t mean you need to be harsh on yourself. 

Thank you! Ugh it's just harder some days than others I'm still struggling with post partum depression and it just makes me extra sensitive