Stories Part 2

[47of74]

On 2/10/2020 at 8:52 PM, 47of74 said:

From the if google told ya to jump off a cliff files....

I'm sure that: (a) Google meant for him to cross at a suitable bridge; and (b) Minnesota oat sodas figure prominently in this story.

Up here the new SW Arterial opened yesterday.  Google Maps hasn't quite caught up to that fact yet.

So 'cording to Google I was driving through fields and hit a bunch of trees at one point.  Car still looks pretty good though.  (Yes I was nice and alerted Google to this issue). 

Meanwhile at Home Despot

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The 42-year-old Alabama woman, cops say, was behind the wheel of a Pontiac Sunfire that drove into a Home Depot Friday morning. The bizarre incident was recorded by surveillance cameras inside the store in Trussville, a Birmingham suburb.

Police today identified Braswell as the suspect in the August 14 theft, and asked the public for help in determining her whereabouts. Braswell is facing multiple charges, including burglary, criminal mischief, and theft.

Cops believe that Braswell (seen at right) had first staged merchandise in the store before returning in the 2000 Pontiac to pick up the goods (a leaf blower and a dehumidifier) around 9 AM.

After backing in through the store’s front sliding doors--which were clipped by the Pontiac--Braswell navigated her way down an aisle, but not before plowing into a display and scattering customers.

 

[47of74]

Well Google got the road added so when in sattelite view at least they have the lines down.

Now they just need to add the one interchange in the middle and it'll be set.

I am curious how long it'll take for the satellite images to be updated. 

[47of74]

Idiot

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As his Tesla operated in autopilot mode on a North Carolina highway, a motorist was watching a movie on his phone when the vehicle crashed into a police car early this morning, investigators say.

According to police, Devainder Goli, a 66-year-old emergency room doctor from Raleigh, was traveling home just after midnight on Highway 64 when his Tesla struck a Nash County Sheriff's Office patrol car (which then caromed into a North Carolina State Highway Patrol vehicle).

A sheriff’s deputy and a state trooper had stopped on the highway due to a previous accident. While they were knocked to the pavement in the Tesla crash, neither was seriously injured.

A subsequent investigation determined that Goli (seen above) was watching a movie on his phone while the Tesla was in autopilot mode. Due to an assortment of cameras and ultrasonic sensors, the electric car manufacturer claims autopilot is safer than a human driver in average driving conditions.

 

[47of74]

The fuzz photograph people's tattoos when they get taken in.

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Mug shot sessions are becoming more revealing as jail personnel photograph a suspect’s tattoos for identification purposes, a process that reveals and catalogs ink not normally visible.

In addition to getting fingerprinted and posing for head-on and profile images, arrestees may also have to remove or adjust their clothing so that their tattoos can be photographed.

And of course there are some <sarcasm>fine examples of the master race</sarcasm> in that little gallery they have too.

[Alisamer]

40 minutes ago, 47of74 said:

The fuzz photograph people's tattoos when they get taken in.

And of course there are some <sarcasm>fine examples of the master race</sarcasm> in that little gallery they have too.

Wow. That is some of the worst tattoo work I have ever seen.

[47of74]

Guys, the intake strip search at the local lockup will find the gun stuck up there so save yourself some additional charges and quit trying

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A Louisiana man who was found to have a loaded pistol in his buttocks during a jail strip search pleaded guilty today to weapons and contraband charges, court records show.

In a plea deal, Justin Savoie, 24, copped to a pair of felony counts and a misdemeanor charge in connection with his arrest late last year at a residence in Golden Meadow, a Bayou town 40 miles south of New Orleans.

Savoie received a five-year suspended prison sentence on the felony convictions during a District Court sentencing. He was also placed on three years probation and ordered to serve 90 days in the Lafourche Parish jail.

Seen at right, Lavoie was taken into custody following his sentencing. If he violates terms of his probation, he risks having to serve all or part of five years in state prison.

Probably a good thing it didn't go off while it was stashed.

[47of74]

The latest in the adventures in alcohol

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The Ohio woman who recently called 911 to claim that “my pussy’s on fire” and, as a result, needed someone from the fire department to “put it out with their hose,” pleaded guilty today for her misuse of the emergency dispatch system.

In a plea deal with prosecutors, Katrina Morgan, 50, copped to disorderly conduct with persistence, a misdemeanor, in connection with a late-night 911 call in May. Morgan was intoxicated when she placed the call while at a friend’s home in Port Clinton, a city on Lake Erie.

When a Port Clinton Police Department dispatcher answered Morgan’s 911 call, she said, “I need the fire department please, ‘cause my pussy’s on fire. I need to make sure their hose is working. Is their hose working?” After the dispatcher asked “What is on fire?” Morgan replied, “I need the fire department ‘cause my pussy’s on fire. And I need somebody to come put it out with their hose.” In the background, a female friend of Morgan’s can be heard squealing.

After tracking Morgan down at her friend’s residence, cops took her into custody, but not without a struggle. It was only after an officer removed his taser from a holster that the “agitated” Morgan relented and got into the rear of a police cruiser.

What the fuck would she need a fire hose for anyways?

[Flossie]

On 9/24/2020 at 8:42 PM, 47of74 said:

The latest in the adventures in alcohol

The Ohio woman who recently called 911 to claim that “my pussy’s on fire” and, as a result, needed someone from the fire department to “put it out with their hose,” pleaded guilty today for her misuse of the emergency dispatch system.

In a plea deal with prosecutors, Katrina Morgan, 50, copped to disorderly conduct with persistence, a misdemeanor, in connection with a late-night 911 call in May. Morgan was intoxicated when she placed the call while at a friend’s home in Port Clinton, a city on Lake Erie.

When a Port Clinton Police Department dispatcher answered Morgan’s 911 call, she said, “I need the fire department please, ‘cause my pussy’s on fire. I need to make sure their hose is working. Is their hose working?” After the dispatcher asked “What is on fire?” Morgan replied, “I need the fire department ‘cause my pussy’s on fire. And I need somebody to come put it out with their hose.” In the background, a female friend of Morgan’s can be heard squealing.

After tracking Morgan down at her friend’s residence, cops took her into custody, but not without a struggle. It was only after an officer removed his taser from a holster that the “agitated” Morgan relented and got into the rear of a police cruiser.

47of74 said:  What the fuck would she need a fire hose for anyways?

Oh, you sweet summer child.  Even I know what the drunken fool meant.  I bet you are just playing along, but if not, the woman was asking for a fireman to come over and use his personal hose (penis) to put out her fire (desire for sex).

Now I have a story to tell about a woman suddenly experiencing burning genitalia.  I'm not sure if it's true, but my friend insisted it happened.  She was a teen and was staying the night with a friend (the friend also insisted the story was true).  The dinner that night was Mexican food.  The father liked his food hot, so he was chopping up hot peppers for anyone who wanted to spice up their meal.  After dinner, the parents put the leftover food away and then retreated upstairs to the bedroom to leave the girls alone to watch TV.  Not long after, the mother came rushing down claiming her crotch was on fire.  She was barely dressed and ran outside into the snow, where she sat down and exclaimed that it wasn't working.  Her vagina was still burning.  She was shouting that her asshole husband didn't wash his hands after handling the hot peppers and when he went to the bathroom just before they had sexy times, the oil from his fingers got on his penis and then into her.

Her daughter yelled out "Use an icicle, Mom!"  Mom told her to shut up.  Dad was upstairs laughing.  He was going to have a story to tell the guys at work.  I'm sure the neighbors got an earful, too.

Does anyone think that really happened?  I can't imagine it.  Wouldn't the man realize right away that his penis had pepper oil on it?  Wouldn't he be washing himself off before having sex and having the friction or heat make things worse?  Wouldn't he be right out in the snow along with his wife?  Doesn't make sense.

[47of74]

9 hours ago, Flossie said:

Oh, you sweet summer child.  Even I know what the drunken fool meant.  I bet you are just playing along, but if not, the woman was asking for a fireman to come over and use his personal hose (penis) to put out her fire (desire for sex).

Now I have a story to tell about a woman suddenly experiencing burning genitalia.  I'm not sure if it's true, but my friend insisted it happened.  She was a teen and was staying the night with a friend (the friend also insisted the story was true).  The dinner that night was Mexican food.  The father liked his food hot, so he was chopping up hot peppers for anyone who wanted to spice up their meal.  After dinner, the parents put the leftover food away and then retreated upstairs to the bedroom to leave the girls alone to watch TV.  Not long after, the mother came rushing down claiming her crotch was on fire.  She was barely dressed and ran outside into the snow, where she sat down and exclaimed that it wasn't working.  Her vagina was still burning.  She was shouting that her asshole husband didn't wash his hands after handling the hot peppers and when he went to the bathroom just before they had sexy times, the oil from his fingers got on his penis and then into her.

Her daughter yelled out "Use an icicle, Mom!"  Mom told her to shut up.  Dad was upstairs laughing.  He was going to have a story to tell the guys at work.  I'm sure the neighbors got an earful, too.

Does anyone think that really happened?  I can't imagine it.  Wouldn't the man realize right away that his penis had pepper oil on it?  Wouldn't he be washing himself off before having sex and having the friction or heat make things worse?  Wouldn't he be right out in the snow along with his wife?  Doesn't make sense.

And what, of course, do the ad algorithim overlords decide is a proper advertisement to go with that story?

Of course.  This.

[47of74]

When parrots tell guests to fuck off

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At the British zoo Lincolnshire Wildlife Centre, keeping some of the bird residents' vocabulary limited to G-rated language has proven challenging — and park employees had to go as far as separating five African grey parrots to squash the swearing.

According to the Associated Press, Billy, Eric, Tyson, Jade, and Elsie — who all were welcomed to the park in August — were removed from each other's presences since they were encouraging each other to curse and rally in expletive-filled rants together.

Though most visitors who overheard the colorful language laughed it off — "When a parrot tells you to 'f--- off' it amuses people very highly; it’s brought a big smile to a really hard year," said Nichols — the zoo decided to take measures to nip the behavior in the bud.

 

[thoughtful]

2 hours ago, 47of74 said:

When parrots tell guests to fuck off

 

This reminds me of the old joke about the guy who inherited a parrot with a curse-filled vocabulary, which offended him. He tried to re-train the bird to say nice things, he rewarded, he punished, he pleaded, all to no avail.

One day, as the parrot was letting out a string of filthy words, the man, in sheer desperation, grabbed him off of the perch, opened the freezer door, shoved the parrot in, and shut the door.

He realized that was horribly cruel just as he heard the gentle knock of a beak on the inside of the freezer door. He opened the door, and the parrot stepped out.

"Kind sir," said the parrot, "I apologize for all my past indiscretions. And I promise you that, from now on, my language will be pure as can be."

The man, greatly relieved, offered the parrot a Brazil nut.

"Oh, no thank you," said the parrot. "But I would like the privilege of asking you a question that occurred to me while I was in the freezer."

"OK," said the man (whose vocabulary was, as you may be able to tell, not as advanced as the parrot's).

"Please, sir, could you tell me . . . "

Spoiler

"  . . . what did that chicken do?!"      

 

[47of74]

Well see those five parrots...those are me, my brother, my sister, and my in-laws in parrot form.  We'd encourage each other to swear just to get under peoples skin . Especially my paternal units.

[thoughtful]

7 hours ago, 47of74 said:

Well see those five parrots...those are me, my brother, my sister, and my in-laws in parrot form.  We'd encourage each other to swear just to get under peoples skin . Especially my paternal units.

If I remember correctly, you used to post about putting money in the swear jar. Glad you've given up on that - in these times of Trump and his allies, you'd have nothing kept out of the swear jar to live on!

 

[47of74]

Just gonna leave this here

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A woman who helped kill her boyfriend last year in West Virginia and married her own father, a registered sex offender, has been sentenced to 40 years in prison for murder.

Amanda Michelle Naylor McClure, 32, pleaded guilty in July to second-degree murder in the Valentine’s Day 2019 death of John Thomas McGuire, the Bluefield Daily Telegraph reported.

McGuire, 38, of Owatonna, Minnesota, was found Sept. 24 buried in a shallow grave at a home in Skygusty, West Virginia, where McClure’s biological father, Larry Paul McClure Sr., lived before moving to Kentucky.

Larry McClure, 56, was sentenced in August to life in prison without mercy, the newspaper reported.

 

[47of74]

Sigh - I guess in some places in addition to making sure cats don't jump in the dryer you now have to do the same with people

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Rosie Cole is a 21-year-old college student from Hull University in the UK.

Recently, she had to be rescued from firefighters all because of a dare gone wrong.

Cole was dared by her roommate to stick herself in the dryer.  They all had been drinking, so Cole was totally game to do so.  Well she got in no problem, but unfortunately, had a little trouble getting out.

She told the Hull Daily Mail, "It wasn’t until I wiggled both my hips in and got my legs crossed behind me that I realized I couldn’t get out.  I am a bit dramatic so I didn’t think it was that bad at first and my house mates were making me laugh.  When I realized I couldn’t uncross my legs and my hips were stuck I got a bit worried.  Especially when I tried to free myself the dryer tipped forward and I couldn’t get myself out. My arms were starting to hurt trying to hold myself up, and it was pretty hot inside the dryer."

This made me remember the time the maternal unit told us about how a couple of women in the custodial staff at the nursing home she used to work in decided it would be fun to go for a ride in one of the industrial dryers.  Either they had forgotten the area was under video surveillance or had decided to share the video of the ride on the great Satan Facebook.  In any event they were invited to find employment elsewhere.

[clueliss]

Columbia woman accused of trying to mail drugs to the jail. (there's something of an intelligence test in this)

https://abc17news.com/top-stories/2020/10/13/columbia-woman-arrested-after-trying-to-mail-drugs-into-boone-county-jail/

[47of74]

8 hours ago, clueliss said:

Columbia woman accused of trying to mail drugs to the jail. (there's something of an intelligence test in this)

https://abc17news.com/top-stories/2020/10/13/columbia-woman-arrested-after-trying-to-mail-drugs-into-boone-county-jail/

A case of see what I'm missing out on not moving to Columbia like my company wanted me to?

[47of74]

Dubuque, Iowa.

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Three men were placed into police custody after a late-night disturbance ends with two people injured.

Court documents stating Blayre A. Ward, 24, of Dubuque, bit off another man's nose during the disturbance late Saturday night.

Police say Ward and John Turner, age 20 of Dubuque, were asked to leave Noonan's Tap late Saturday night.

Traffic camera footage shows Ward, Turner, and Austin Plumley, 21, of Guttenberg, Iowa, in an argument.

Yeah that's my hometown Y'all!  Picking up the Florida Man slack.

[47of74]

And not to be outdone a Kansas teenager did this

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A teenage boy who was naked and covered in ranch dressing crashed a vehicle at a Kansas gas station early Saturday morning.

The disturbance was reported to 911 at around 3:30 a.m. at the Petro Deli convenience store, the Shawnee County Sheriff’s Office said in a statement.

“A 17-year-old male was naked and under the influence of a substance,” the sheriff’s office said. “He covered himself in ranch dressing, damaged property inside a business, ran outside and jumped into a running vehicle, and then crashed into a nearby pillar.”

He was taken to the hospital by the police then released to his parents.  Oh to be a fly on the wall for that car ride home...

[Cartmann99]

59 minutes ago, 47of74 said:

And not to be outdone a Kansas teenager did this

He was taken to the hospital by the police then released to his parents.  Oh to be a fly on the wall for that car ride home...

Well, at least it wasn't sriracha sauce.

[47of74]

When tossing your meth be careful not to hit the cop who is approaching your car.  (Main reason this is here instead of Florida Stories is that it's Louisiana Woman this time).

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In her haste to ditch a bag of methamphetamine during a traffic stop, a Louisiana woman allegedly tossed the drug out her car window and promptly hit a patrolman with the airborne narcotics.

Stephanie Dowdy, 33, was behind the wheel of a Honda Civic that was pulled over late last night after a cop spotted the vehicle traveling in the middle of a roadway in West Monroe (where Dowdy resides).

While approaching from the Honda’s passenger side, a deputy was struck in the leg by a plastic bag thrown out the passenger window. The bag, a probable cause affidavit states, contained about half-a-gram of “suspected Methamphetamine.”

Dowdy, who was alone in the car, initially “claimed she did not throw any Methamphetamine out of her window.” But she then reportedly recanted and admitted ownership of the narcotics (as well as tossing the small baggie).

 

[Cartmann99]

2 hours ago, 47of74 said:

Dowdy, who was alone in the car, initially “claimed she did not throw any Methamphetamine out of her window.” But she then reportedly recanted and admitted ownership of the narcotics (as well as tossing the small baggie).

I'm kinda disappointed that she didn't try to claim that her car had a poltergeist who stole items from other cars and randomly threw them out of her passenger-side window.

[47of74]

18 hours ago, Cartmann99 said:

I'm kinda disappointed that she didn't try to claim that her car had a poltergeist who stole items from other cars and randomly threw them out of her passenger-side window.

Or that the wind somehow blew it into her car, as Florida man did once claimed when a traffic stop revealed a bag of cocaine in his vehicle.

[Cartmann99]

5 hours ago, 47of74 said:

Or that the wind somehow blew it into her car, as Florida man did once claimed when a traffic stop revealed a bag of cocaine in his vehicle.

If you're determined to lie when you get stopped, at least make it entertaining for everyone involved.

[47of74]

Yeah the gullible dolt is easier to fool than Georgia cops

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While gullible dolt Rudolph Giuliani may have fallen victim to Sacha Baron Cohen and his “Borat” troupe, the same cannot be said for a pair of much sharper Georgia cops.

Responding in late-January to a 911 “suspicious person” call placed by an anonymous individual, two officers found a beat-up yellow truck with a horse trailer attached parked on Main Street in Lilburn, a city about 25 miles outside Atlanta.

Atop the truck cab was a young woman sitting in an infant’s car seat tied down with twine. The truck’s bed held some battered leather luggage, while the trailer was equine-free.

Upon approaching the truck, Lilburn Police Department officers Alvey Lamb and Daniel Bride discovered that the driver looked and dressed suspiciously like Kazakhstan’s most notorious fictional documentarian, Borat Sagdiyev. The driver, who claimed to be from Uzbekistan, had a bushy mustache and wore a gray suit. There was no key in the truck’s ignition.