Bro Gary Hawkins 4: HAY-MAYUN!

[mango_fandango]

Yeah, the Ku Klux Klan are definitely Democrats. As are Focus on the Family. As is Faithful Word Baptist Church...

It pains me to think that there are such dumb people in this world.

[Beermeet]

6 hours ago, Texas Heifer said:

He sounds fun. 

Reminds me of Idiocracy (as Bro G often does) and how, 500 years in the future, Fuddruckers had become Buttfuckers, and someone was throwing a child's birthday party there. 

Omg!  Idiocracy reminds me of now, of anti-science and Trump and fundies.  It's starting!  It's not even funny!

I would watch "Ow!  My balls!" though.  

[Texas Heifer]

Just now, Beermeet said:

Omg!  Idiocracy reminds me of now, of anti-science and Trump and fundies.  It's starting!  It's not even funny!

I would watch "Ow!  My balls!" though.  

Right?! It was never meant to be a documentary. AND YET. 

RE: "Ow! My Balls!" ...there are shows my father and brother watch for shits and giggles that are too fucking close for comfort. My mom and I cringe, and we're the ones with our genitals tucked in! 

[Ozlsn]

11 hours ago, formergothardite said:

I've seen several FB posts about this because some churches in this area have a Sunday night service that starts at 6 PM. A couple were having Super Bowl parties after the service. One church I attended had a Super Bowl party, but they turned off the TV during commercials and the half-time show so everyone could pray. 

What? The commercials and the half time show are the best bits, especially if - like me - you have no idea who the teams are, how the game is played or why it apparently requires small armies of players  (serious question here - is there a set number of players? Or a limit on team size?) 

I think if you're going to be worldly enough to watch the synchronised ball handling bit then you should definitely watch the amusing bit, even if it's just so you know what to rant against. 

Sis Ozlsn Cathy

[Texas Heifer]

32 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

What? The commercials and the half time show are the best bits, especially if - like me - you have no idea who the teams are, how the game is played or why it apparently requires small armies of players  (serious question here - is there a set number of players? Or a limit on team size?) 

I think if you're going to be worldly enough to watch the synchronised ball handling bit then you should definitely watch the amusing bit, even if it's just so you know what to rant against. 

Sis Ozlsn Cathy

Omg, Sis Ozlsn Cathy made me snort laugh  

I am no expert, despite being raised by a football coach in a family of football players in Texas, but I'll give it a go.

Each player has a job: offense, defense, those two types do different things, depending on which team has the ball. Also, there are linebackers (the muscle, used for defense, both of the goal and the other players). Then there are quarterbacks, running backs, tight ends (nike!), other positions I could never be arsed to remember or care about, as all the many football players in my family have been linebackers (we are large people). In the interest of full disclosure, Bro Heifer had to remind me of several of those, lol.

Anyway, I think 11 are allowed to be on the field at a time per team. I'm not sure if there is a limit to the number of players a team can have, total. But I do know each type of player has a backup in case of injury, which is (no duh) a common occurrence. Football is an insane sport and I can't believe anyone is willing to just crash into other people with immense force for fun, but there you have it.

I had a student once who was told that if he got one more concussion, he wouldn't be allowed to play anymore, because brain damage, and he was DEVASTATED. 

[General Jinjur]

I'd take President Camacho over Trump any day.

[Beermeet]

23 minutes ago, General Jinjur said:

I'd take President Camacho over Trump any day.

Yeah, at least he was a legit kick ass alpha male and at least he was willing to try water (yes,  from the toilet).  

[General Jinjur]

1 hour ago, Beermeet said:

Yeah, at least he was a legit kick ass alpha male and at least he was willing to try water (yes,  from the toilet).  

And his speeches were more articulate.

[Lillymuffin]

On 2/5/2018 at 11:30 AM, General Jinjur said:

Ok folks, I just have to share a few good weens from Bro Gary's buddy the All-Capitalizing "Christain."

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Oh, Poor, Poor Bro Gary.. I Tell You The Truth.. They Don’t Hate You Because You’re ‘Saved And Born Again Christain.’ They Hate You Because You’re A Useless Idiot. 

[Nikedagain?]

I'll take a Ground Hog Democrat over Bro G any old day. 

Buncha imbeciles. 

[Dandruff]

AFAIC, he needs to find an occupation/hobby/whatever that doesn't require clear communication or (pretend to) involve the fate of human souls.

[Texas Heifer]

Ok Folks,

THERE IS A NEW VIDEO AND IT IS G O L D.

Starts out again with his (blessedly sock-covered, HALLELUYER!) hoof in the shot. 

Sis Becky got mad at him and deleted her Facebook, HALLELUYER, so she now wants him to talk about Plexus. Specifically, the product my ex and his wife had their Totally Not Scripted Facebook convo about on the last page.

Accelerator!  Or, in Gary-Speak: "Cellarater."

"What does it do? It speeds up your...attabolism."

Excuse me while I die.

He totally gave out Sis Becky's phone number to the dang public, lord have mercy.

So he read a book, y'all. He reads? I guess. HALLELUYER! Glory ta god. It's called What Generation Do You Represent? Bro G was impressed. It's on his Facebook page, so you can go look if you want. Gary doesn't seem to realize we are WATCHING HIM on his Facebook page.

[Texas Heifer]

It'd be a "good book for young people." I mean, obviously! 

Behold:

Every teenager I have ever known would jump on it! He read it to his "chil'ren" and his next-door neighbor's grandkid. 

He also pronounced it "Knickenbocker" three four times.

"It's a good book, but it is a firm book. Most people don't want to do what this book says." I can't imagine why not; it sounds like a hoot!

"We need some people who are willing to stand up and be the first generation and not the second or third generation." Whatever the hairy crap that means.

"If you wuddn' willin' ta go through tha faar, God wuddn'...he wuddn' even use you."

What.

(Bro Heifer: "I'd say it's word salad, but it's probably more like word weens with pink word gravy.")

[Texas Heifer]

Re: his parents: "Now they raised me, but then God gettin' aholt of me, then God intervened."

This "book" is 16 pages long! It's not a book, it's a pamphlet!

"You'd be surprised what God can do for you, and this stuff that men write." 

Halleluyer, glory ta God, his phone went dead to he had to go rather abruptl

Yours in Crying with Laughter and WTAF Did I Just Watch,

Sis Heifer

[Texas Heifer]

Also: he can spell "recommend" and "generation," but not "read" or "represent." 

Our Gary is a puzzle wrapped in an enigma.

[Jellybean]

The latest video:

 

Brother Gary gives out his wife’s telephone number in this video. Please don’t use it to poke them, however tempting. If you really can’t stop yourself, there’s no rule on FJ about what you do off-site, but please don’t imply that you represent FJ, and please don’t come back here for head-pats!

[Yogi]

I CANnot imagine a less flattering angle for this video. We have to look at his heaving gut takinf up half the screen and then his tiny head. 

[Gobsmacked]

Are the marks on his shirt super ween spills or just the light? He sounds tipsy to my ears. Does ween gravy ferment if left in the pot for a day or two?!!

So many questions. 

[MayMay1123]

bro gary is really, really not a good advertisement for plexsssusss...

sis may- who lost weight the old fashioned way, no snake oil involved

[Candydandy]

Ok Folks good to see our fave bro spent the Supper Bowl in church or maybe it was in a bowl full o weens. I hope yalls attabolism is doing good cause sis becky can fix it with this here celerator if it aint. You can loose weight. Allerlurya!  Armin! 

How can one

Garsh Darn that  there Saytan was attackin my keyboard it wouldnt move and I had to press post fore I could say How does one run a Pkexus business without a Facebook? Tarnation it cant be posseble. What did bad boy hawkins do to make his wife so angry? 

[Nikedagain?]

Help a Sis out, did I hear him say that we needed to buy this product from Sis Becks to "take our TABOLISM"? 

Tell me I'm wrong. 

 

(Also, his first HAY-MAYAN caught me completely off guard and legit scared the snot out of me)

[General Jinjur]

Pretty sure I don't want to lose some tabolism. Thanks though, Bro.

As I was scrolling past Bro Ween's friend list this profile picture assaulted my eyeballs. NIKE!!!!!11!!!

Spoiler

 

[Yogi]

1 hour ago, Nikedagain? said:

Help a Sis out, did I hear him say that we needed to buy this product from Sis Becks to "take our TABOLISM"? 

Tell me I'm wrong. 

 

(Also, his first HAY-MAYAN caught me completely off guard and legit scared the snot out of me)

Me too!! It was so out of context. 

Also, him trying to listen and repeat Becky’s words was off putting and boring. Just let HER talk on camera instead of the ‘what? It does what? <mumble mumble> It’ll increase your attabolism!’

good god. You could not make this stuff up. 

[persuas1ve]

From my inderstanding, this whole 1st generation/2nd generation etc Christian thing is a theory that tries to peg your enthusiasm for Jesus on how you came to religion. For example, first gen were not raised in Christian homes, they had to make a choice to follow Jesus and therefore they are more “on fire” for Jesus than second gen and so on who’ve presumably never had some burning epiphany but rather just placidly accept Christianity since it’s all they’ve ever known. Being born again and the type of fervor associated with it is emblematic of a 1st Gen Christian.  So per this theory, we should all strive to behave as if we are 1st Gen Christians.

[keepercjr]

Oh man that video Was awesome!  Everyone who hasn’t seen it just watch the first 3 minutes but be prepared for that first HAYMAN as it just came out of nowhere.  He has absolutely zero understanding of anything plexus (or anything else for that matter).  I can’t wait for the next installment.

how hard do you think it was for him to read that “book” to his kids?