Raising Children in a World Where White Supremacist Feel Brave

[Ali]

I have been struggling on how to handle recent events with my daughter. She is going into second grade and is extremely sensitive. I don't want to tell her too much, but I know I can't shelter her. School will be starting soon and I think it is extremely likely some parents are raising their children to be racist bigots. I am assuming I am not alone in wondering how to handle raising children in a country headed in a hateful direction.

She knows about Martin Luther King, Jr. and the civil rights movement. I am planning on looking for age appropriate books that might be helpful. She is too young in my opinion to learn about Nazis and White Supremacists. I am thinking more in the direction of books about minorities. If we read a book about Frederick Douglass, it would allow her to know more than the buffoon about Black history in the United States.

Any other ideas? 

Anyone else struggling with this?

[bashfulpixie]

I don't have children, so I can't help there, but I do know that Barnes and Noble has a history section in the kids department that is geared toward various ages under 12, which might make explaining things easier.

This whole mess that we're in really makes me question whether I want to bring kids into this world or not...

[Ali]

I realized my white privilege is showing in the above post. I can't imagine how parents of minorities are feeling. My heart is breaking over the direction my country is taking.

[Cleopatra7]

@Ali, I think the fact that you're consciously thinking about how to teach anti-racism is a positive sign. I think too many white parents, even "liberal" ones, don't actively teach anti-racism because they think that it should be obvious. But nothing is "obvious." To take a cruder example, it may be obvious to an adult that one should urinate and defecate in a toilet, but this is not obvious to a toddler, which is why we have to teach them to do so. If toilet training isn't obvious, why should we expect anti-racism to be any more obvious?

In any case, I have a couple of ideas for books you might want to use.  "Ron's Big Mission" is an age-appropriate and ultimately positive story about desegregation:

https://www.amazon.com/Rons-Big-Mission-Rose-Blue/dp/0525478493/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1502658423&sr=8-1&keywords=ron's+big+mission

It's based on the true story of Ron McNair, a black scientist and astronaut, who desegregated his public library as a child in South Carolina. McNair would later die in the Challenger disaster, so there's an element of tragedy (Challenger is only mentioned on the last page that provides a brief general bio of McNair, so you could skip that aspect if you think it might be too disturbing), but his story is a good introduction to the history of blacks in STEM.

"Going Somewhere Special" is another positive story about desegregation:

https://www.amazon.com/Goin-Someplace-Special-Patricia-McKissack/dp/1416927352/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1502658682&sr=1-1&keywords=going+somewhere+special

I love this book so much that I gave a copy to my mother for her birthday, and she loves it too.

"Martin's Big Words" is a good, child-friendly introduction to MLK:

https://www.amazon.com/Martins-Big-Words-Martin-Luther/dp/1423106350/ref=pd_sim_14_28?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1423106350&pd_rd_r=CMBNWYTJ0H5DSW94H1M7&pd_rd_w=XQbdP&pd_rd_wg=CeUoA&psc=1&refRID=CMBNWYTJ0H5DSW94H1M7

"We March" is about the 1963 March on Washington:

https://www.amazon.com/We-March-Shane-W-Evans/dp/1250073251/ref=pd_sim_14_15?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1250073251&pd_rd_r=5J0DSGWQEEEHQAMCV88M&pd_rd_w=yXBzC&pd_rd_wg=5R3an&psc=1&refRID=5J0DSGWQEEEHQAMCV88M

"Let's Talk about Race" is a good way to talk about racial issues and differences to elementary school aged children:

https://www.amazon.com/Lets-Talk-About-Julius-Lester/dp/0064462269/ref=pd_sim_14_3?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0064462269&pd_rd_r=7ZDYMBRJE6BADEA9S8Y2&pd_rd_w=ptk6r&pd_rd_wg=xGWfb&psc=1&refRID=7ZDYMBRJE6BADEA9S8Y2

"People" is a fun book about the diversity of the human race:

https://www.amazon.com/People-Peter-Spier/dp/038524469X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1502659310&sr=1-1&keywords=People+picture+book

I especially like the page that makes the point that clothes that are considered "normal" in a Western context may be seen as silly in another context, so you shouldn't be a jerk about what other cultures wear (take note Duggars).

Any book that has won the Coretta Scott King Award is probably a winner. Your public library probably has all or many of these books, although I suppose it may depend on the racial demographics of your area. They aren't expensive on Amazon, so you can probably buy a bunch for under $20.

[fraurosena]

As a European, and a Dutch one at that, I cannot really add anything truly appropriate for life in America, I suppose. My country is incredibly tolerant to people of other ethnicities (relatively speaking of course). We do have our own contentions to deal with, but I don't believe rascism is rampant here. 

That said, I have always taught my sons that they should never judge anyone by their appearance, be it racial background, the way they dress or any physical or mental imperfections, and that everyone is free to have any faith they choose to follow. I told them that the only thing you can truly judge is someone's behavior and attitude. I added that there are people who don't know this, and therefore judge the 'outside appearance', and that when they encounter someone like that to just think "well, they don't know any better, I'm not listening to them." As they grew older, I adjusted this 'speech' (for want of a better word) according to their age and what I found they would be able to understand by adding examples they could relate to.

For what it's worth, I hope it helps a little.

[Audrey2]

Some other inspiring people are Mary McLeod Bethune, George Washington Carver, and the Tuskegee Airmen. 

[LeftCoastLurker]

I am a caucasian mother of two asian daughters. We live in a very liberal area of the U.S. so we have been very lucky in that the only overt act of racism towards my daughters occurred when my older daughter was 18 months old (she is now 17). The act of racism was done by a 4 or 5 year old boy. His parents overhead his horrible comment and laughed. 

During the run up to the election I was very careful to keep my comments regarding the presidunce factual, not wanting to sway my daughters one way or the other as they made up their own minds. My 17yo is a newshound and watches the morning news every day. Ironically we watch our local Fox station (definitely not a typical FOX leaning broadcast). All that to say, that the morning after that fateful day, my daughter came down the stairs, looking terrified and asked me if she was going to get deported. It was at that moment that my hate toward DT went ballistic. Intellectually she knew she wouldn't be, she is an American citizen, but emotionally she knew that now, more than even, that by so many she would be considered less than.

It breaks my heart to know that my two amazing daughters would be considered third class citizens by so many here in the US: 1. live in the ebil, liberal part of the US, 2. dare to have a vagina, 3. aren't white with round eyes!

My heart is heavy everyday...my daughters options regarding college and future plans are now limited...I will not allow them to live where they could be in danger by those who think of them as lesser human beings.

 

[VelociRapture]

@AliMy kid is 8 months and I'm already worried about the things you are. I've bought a few books for her already:

https://m.barnesandnoble.com/w/i-am-jazz-jessica-herthel/1118663305?ean=9780803741072

- A great resource for teaching your daughter about what being transgender means. It's told in easy to understand language, so it could be a good option for your daughter.

https://m.barnesandnoble.com/w/heather-has-two-mommies-leslea-newman/1101155067?ean=9780763690427

https://m.barnesandnoble.com/w/and-tango-makes-three-justin-richardson/1100623193?ean=9781481449946

- We own the first book and I love it. It's a great book to introduce the concept that not all families look the same, but they all have a lot of love to share. We don't have the second book, but we've heard it's pretty good too. 

https://m.barnesandnoble.com/w/i-am-martin-luther-king-jr-brad-meltzer/1121732460?ean=9780525428527

- This is a nice introduction to MLK Jr. and the Civil Rights Movement. They have a bunch of other books about other historical figures as well. 

[onekidanddone]

2 hours ago, LeftCoastLurker said:

I am a caucasian mother of two asian daughters. We live in a very liberal area of the U.S. so we have been very lucky in that the only overt act of racism towards my daughters occurred when my older daughter was 18 months old (she is now 17). The act of racism was done by a 4 or 5 year old boy. His parents overhead his horrible comment and laughed. 

I am also white and a parent of an 13 year old Asian daughter.  I don't even know how to start talking about this with out crying. I know I have to.  I know it is not about me, but I just don't know where to start.

[HurricaneBells]

You guys are breaking my heart. I cannot believe in 2017 these are the issues you are having to deal with but on the flip side i think you are awesome parents and your kids are lucky to have you!  I watched the movie The LA Riots last night and i felt just sheer frustration for your country. These painful lessons seem to have made no difference. 

[clese]

I'm a kiwi and watched on in horror as my favourite conspiracy trump loving you tuber, natasha delima actually made a video saying that it was fake news..in that it was made to look bad and indicating sacrifices!!!! And arranged by Democrats.  Please someone check out her youtube then let me know what you think! Also Google her to see how many lawsuits she's into and how oprah and God told her to kidnap her neighbours child... please someone I need to know is she mad...or am I. .lol

[VelociRapture]

Oh! @AliSomething else:

- I'm also purposely buying books that depict main characters who aren't white and that show them as normal human beings. Like "Last Stop on Market Street," whose main characters are CJ and Nana (a black boy and his grandm) or "Ada Twist, Scientist," which shows a black girl and her family. I point out differences between my baby and the characters - like Ada having beautiful curly hair or CJ having darker skin - but I also point out similarities too - like how CJ has a grandma that loves him too or how Ada is curious like she is.

- I also read recently that Jackie Robinson is a fantastic way to help kids understand racial differences and really helps them sympathize with those targeted by it. The key is not to sanitize the story by simply focusing on his baseball career or by glossing over the horrible things he faced. If you feel she's ready, the movie "45" is a great resource for that because it includes the death threats and the very worst racial slurs.

ETA: And when you feel she's ready, here's a list of children's books from the US Holocaust Museum that could help you introduce the subject of Nazis and the Holocaust.

https://www.ushmm.org/collections/bibliography/childrens-books

I do remember learning bits about WW2 and the Holocaust at your daughter's age in school and a bit at home. The key is to be open and honest with your daughter once you feel you're both ready to discuss it. Don't brush away any concerns or questions she may have. 

One good way to start introducing it gradually could be by teaching her about Jewish culture and holidays. For instance, find children's books about Hanukkah and read it with her. Take her to a Jewish deli (if you have one nearby) or see about trying to make some of the food at home yourself. Listen to Jewish music once in a while too - we have no clue why, but our daughter LOVES when we hold we and hum "Hava Nagila." It's a really running joke that our baby is actually Jewish. 

You can also use fictional books that feature one group set on annihilating another to gently introduce the idea of the Holocaust as well. Like the Harry Potter series. Those might be one of the best options out there because it clearly shows:

1. Muggles (Jews) are normal people like everyone else.

2. The Trio (Allied Forces) risked their lives to help protect them.

3. Not all the Death Eaters (Nazis) were evil people bent on destroying all muggles - see Snape and Regulus Black (Oskar Schindler.) 

4. That not speaking up in defense of those who need it makes you complicit (Cornelius Fudge.)

Its not perfect, but it could be a good way to start and a good way to help prepare her.

[47of74]

A North Dakota father has denounced his son for that Nazi shit;

Quote

My name is Pearce Tefft, and I am writing to all, with regards to my youngest son, Peter Tefft, an avowed white nationalist who has been featured in a number of local news stories over the last several months.

I, along with all of his siblings and his entire family, wish to loudly repudiate my son’s vile, hateful and racist rhetoric and actions. We do not know specifically where he learned these beliefs. He did not learn them at home.

Peter Tefft, my son, is not welcome at our family gatherings any longer. I pray my prodigal son will renounce his hateful beliefs and return home. Then and only then will I lay out the feast.

Peter, you will have to shovel our bodies into the oven, too. Please son, renounce the hate, accept and love all.

 

[louisa05]

Ruby Bridges is another great true story about desegregation that young kids can relate to. Search her name on Amazon and you'll find many versions for many age groups.

 

For older kids accounts of the Little Rock Nine are powerful. We made all the kids in our all white Catholic school read Warriors Don't Cry. I would recommend it for teens.

 

Be sure to look for books with characters who are Latina, Asian, native etc...as well. It isn't just about black and white. And some should be contemporary stories too

 

As parents, you can also make sure your schools have a diverse curriculum in language arts and literature especially. That doesn't mean no classics, but there should be works by women and minorities. My last school had one book not by a white guy in the 9-12 lit curriculum when I got there. A new department head and I worked together to change that, but it was not easy.

[librarianjojo]

I am a degreed library professional, so I'm throwing in my two cents.

I agree with a previous poster that the Coretta Scott King picture book awards are a great starting point. For Asian americans, Allen Say is a wonderful author. For Latino, try the Pura Belpre awards. 

However, it is also important to include books showing diversity in normal, everyday life. I like Grace Lin, Rachel Isadora, and Angela Johnson. Children need to see people who look different from them doing ordinary things - going to bed, having sibling rivalry, getting a new pet. It lessens the other-ness children are bound to notice.

Go ask your closest childrens librarian and we'll get a whole stack for you. 

[candygirl200413]

In additional to races and gender, don't forget about disabilities. That I honestly don't have any type of suggestions but it also needs to be discussed.

I feel for all of you who have children in what is an especially horrible climate right now. There are two kids I've been babysitting for a while now and their white mom has said how young kids have already made comments on their skin color

[LeftCoastLurker]

I second the comment about disabilities. I feel so incredibly lucky that we have been able to, so far, raise my non-white daughters in a safe, diverse environment. My brother-in-law is a quadrapalegic. My daughters find those who are wheelchair bound totally normal. When my youngest was three we were standing in line at the grocery store. The customer ahead of us was in a wheelchair. When I took my eyes off of her for a second, she tried to climb in his lap to "go for a ride" like she did with Uncle David. I apologized but the person, with a huge grin on his face, said not to. He continued on to say how wonderful it was that she wasn't scared of him; that most children were. Its all about what we model and teach our children. Wether it is through real life, books or various modes of media. If you, as a parent, treat all those around you, no matter their gender, sexual orientation, race, or physical or mental abilities with respect and normalcy your children will as well.

[SilverBeach]

Just want to chime in and applaud all you parents intentionally teaching your children about non-white people. It might be useful to actually have your children meet some real-life non white people, in addition to reading about them.

Imagine if you also had to teach your sons police encounter survival skills. We have to do this regardless of socioeconomic level. Talking to other parents can be educational too. 

It's folks like you why I stay with FJ. I get turned off sometimes, but there are some really good-hearted, decent people of all races here and I appreciate you all.

 

[Shiny]

Every family is different, but I personally don't feel 2nd grade is too young to talk about Nazis and white supremacy. Even with a sensitive child, I think it can still be made age appropriate. "There was a war. A man named Adolf Hitler didn't like people different than him. He fought them and hurt many people. In America, some people are trying to be like him and want to hurt people. How do you feel about that?" That can start a totally age appropriate discussion. 

 

Privilege was a lot harder for me to teach than racism. I didn't understand white privilege for a really long time. I could recognize I've been given opportunities that others weren't, but that was as far as it went. Once Trump was elected and I saw the hatred people had, not only of non-whites, but of women and liberals...I started to understand. Now, it's nothing compared to what others have dealt with, but at least I can understand now. SO because of that, I don't necessarily teach that everyone is the same. I teach that we are all worth the same, and should be treated equally...but I try to teach that we aren't. I've told my oldest that little black girls are often not viewed as trustworthy as little white girls. I've told her how a black father might be thought as less than her white father. I've told her that black kids have to work harder to be valued in our society. I don't want my kids to feel ashamed of themselves, but I do want them to understand their privilage and, to an extent, feel shame of our culture that's created this. 

This is an excellent topic, and I really look forward to this discussion. 

[louisa05]

1 hour ago, SilverBeach said:

Just want to chime in and applaud all you parents intentionally teaching your children about non-white people. It might be useful to actually have your children meet some real-life non white people, in addition to reading about them.

Imagine if you also had to teach your sons police encounter survival skills. We have to do this regardless of socioeconomic level. Talking to other parents can be educational too. 

It's folks like you why I stay with FJ. I get turned off sometimes, but there are some really good-hearted, decent people of all races here and I appreciate you all.

 

Sadly, in some parts of this country, it is hard to have normal, natural day to day relationships with diverse groups of people. The town my husband grew up in was lily white until an influx of Latinos in the 90s. He graduated in an all white class. I taught at his alma mater where there was never more than a hand full of non-white students--and typically that was one or two adopted kids and a few exchange students. 

I totally agree that seeking out normal relationships with a diverse group is important, but sometimes that is difficult. And seeking out token relationships is a bit awkward. One of the coaches I worked with decided to try to create that by hosting a team from a predominantly black school for volleyball games and having the girls have a pizza party together after it. The other school was also a school for troubled kids (Boys Town, actually; it's a real place and there are girls there, too). Nice idea, but our girls ended up viewing it as them doing some great charity act for the other team and as a "multicultural event" rather than an opportunity for real relationship. I don't know that viewing people of color as "a multicultural event" does them any favors. I helped out at volleyball games a lot and ended up helping the coaches with some "re-education" after the fact. The next time they did it, we addressed things better and it was more like teens hanging out. But the first time, not so much. 

@librarianjojo I totally agree about giving kids books with diverse characters having normal day to day experiences, too. There has to be a balance. But at the same time, my culturally isolated white students tended to think that things are basically equal today and there are no more problems; so exposing them to the challenges other groups face is still important. Also, not a lot of schools do a very good job teaching about the Civil Rights Movement, Jim Crow, etc...so many younger people have little understanding of the lasting impact of that part of our history. The more kids understand about that, the better equipped they will be to see that we still have a long way to go before there is real equality in every sense. I found also, that reading about what the Little Rock Nine, for example, faced makes them see the real nastiness of racism up close. They could relate to those teens that were not so different from them in many respects (homework, parents, teachers they didn't like, dates, etc...). 

 

 

 

[Childless]

I'm currently reading a book on Claudette Colvin to my first grader.  We've read books on slavery (his favorite historical figure right now is Harriet Tubman).  I try to read him books with strong minority characters of all different races, genders, ethnicities, and religions.  He also attends a very diverse school.  I know not everyone has school choice, but if you have the opportunity to enroll your child in a diverse school that celebrates that diversity, do so.  I admit that we watch the news while he's in the room.  I think it's a bad idea to shelter him from the world's realities.  But I always make sure to try and have a conversation about what's happening with him on a level he can understand.  I also do not teach color blindness.  It's important to understand we are all equal under the law and we should all have equal opportunities, but to ignore someone's race is to do them a disservice.  Their race is part of who they are.  It is part of what has shaped them as a person and it's central to understanding them and accepting them.  Their history and experiences with their race shouldn't be ignored, but it also shouldn't be the only thing that defines them.  It's just one part of the whole.  It's hard for anyone to truly understand something they will never experience, but I think education, discussion, and sharing can go a long way.

[candygirl200413]

I'm trying to think of ways one could become friends without it feeling like tokenism. Like as a black woman my best friend is a Jewish woman and many of my close friends are white and Jewish because of where I live. It's like you want your children to be friends with all different people but I totally get how it might backfire with your example @louisa05. Maybe it's just exposure that needs to happen?

[Childless]

4 minutes ago, candygirl200413 said:

I'm trying to think of ways one could become friends without it feeling like tokenism. Like as a black woman my best friend is a Jewish woman and many of my close friends are white and Jewish because of where I live. It's like you want your children to be friends with all different people but I totally get how it might backfire with your example @louisa05. Maybe it's just exposure that needs to happen?

This is why I recommend a diverse school if you have access to one.  Racial, ethnic, and religious differences are far down the list when it comes to what kids use to judge each other.  If they share passions or hobbies, they automatically gravitate to each other and become friends.  Kids are beautifully innocent that way.  It's only when adults get involved that it becomes a mess.

[VelociRapture]

@SilverBeach Threads like this one are the biggest reason I love being on here. I've been a member for a little under 3 years and I've always been a pretty sympathetic person, but I feel like I've learned a ton from you and some other posters on here about inequalities. I feel like I've become a better and more compassionate person because of that. I've also become far more confident in being outspoken about things on social media and in my personal life as well too. I'm still not a perfect ally yet by any means and I'm still nervous about taking part in rallies and protests (especially because I have a baby and I'm not ready to let anyone other than  or husband watch her yet), but I feel like I've come a long way because of you guys. So thank you to all our diverse posters for continuing to post and share here.

[SilverBeach]

I raised my black daughter in a predominantly white area and she had many white friends. At least they knew her and me, as human beings. So, living where there are some black children that will go to school with your white ones is a way to bring about personal interaction.

4 hours ago, candygirl200413 said:

I'm trying to think of ways one could become friends without it feeling like tokenism. Like as a black woman my best friend is a Jewish woman and many of my close friends are white and Jewish because of where I live. It's like you want your children to be friends with all different people but I totally get how it might backfire with your example @louisa05. Maybe it's just exposure that needs to happen?

I don't think it really matters if it feels like or starts out as tokenism as long as the interaction happens.