Steven Furtick Signs 6-Year, $110 Million Contract With Lakewood Church Satire

[47of74]

Because Jesus would also take that large of a salary.

Quote

In a stunning move that is making waves throughout evangelicalism, Pastor Steven Furtick has announced he has come to an agreement with Lakewood Church to preach alongside Joel Osteen, forming the core of a “superstar preaching team.”

The contract is worth $110 million over the next six years, Lakewood confirmed, making it the largest the preaching world has ever seen.

Donning a Lakewood Church hat and suit, an emotional Furtick broke the news in a two-hour televised special on TBN Thursday night, dubbed “The Decision.”

“I’m going to take my talents to Houston and join Joel’s legendary squad,” Furtick said as hundreds of cameras flashed around Elevation Church’s press conference room. “I wish Elevation the best of luck in the seasons to come, and hope they can find someone as ripped and godly as me.”

This just strikes me as several dozen kinds of wrong.

[feministxtian]

What is this shit? Preachers like football players? 

[Palimpsest]

Eh, the Babylon Bee is a satirical site.  Sort of the Christian Onion.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Babylon_Bee

Mind you, Furtick has refused to disclose his salary in the past.

[DomWackTroll]

It's satire, but the fact that it took me several paragraphs to realize it was satire is really sad. 

[Palimpsest]

2 minutes ago, DomWackTroll said:

It's satire, but the fact that it took me several paragraphs to realize it was satire is really sad. 

The previous story was about Jeff Sessions waking up to a severed horse's head in his bed.  I almost fell for that one too!

[sawasdee]

It was the

3 hours ago, 47of74 said:

hope they can find someone as ripped and godly as me

that gave it away.....though DPIAT might have said something similar!

[Anonymousguest]

Haha! Babylon be is the Onion of Christian journalism.

[47of74]

Yeah they got me.  I honestly thought that was real.  It wouldn't surprise me if some mega-church did that. 

[Elegant Mess]

18 hours ago, Palimpsest said:

The previous story was about Jeff Sessions waking up to a severed horse's head in his bed.  I almost fell for that one too!

I also liked the one about the Discovery Channel featuring Prosperity Gospel preachers during Shark Week.  

[Howl]

Gonna have to put Bablylon Bee in the rota with The Onion and WaPo! 

Everything about this guy annoys me.  Everything. 

 

Anyway, I'm liking this, a lot: 

Quote

 

Southern Baptist Convention Deploys Theology Referees To Elevation Church

CHARLOTTE, NC—The Southern Baptist Convention has deployed a crew of theology referees to Elevation Church, instructing the trained officials to monitor sermons preached by Pastor Steven Furtick, and warn him and the congregation when his messages fall out of the bounds of orthodoxy, sources confirmed Friday.

Church members reportedly witnessed Furtick’s first sermon under the watchful eyes of the refs this past Sunday.

According to those present, when Furtick began encouraging his audience members to unlock the potential within themselves several minutes into his message, a sideline ref blew a whistle and tossed a yellow flag into the air, stopping the sermon and slapping Furtick with a two-sermon-point penalty.

Restarting the sermon clock at the 5:00 mark, the officials then allowed the pastor to continue with his sermon, but instantly dinged him for a borderline prosperity gospel theology infraction, hitting him with a fifteen-minute penalty.

At one point, Furtick was nearly ejected from the service after stepping “way outside” the bounds of orthodoxy, but was allowed to stay after an instant replay video was obscured by the building’s intense multi-colored lighting and fog effects, and refs were unable to prove the infraction.

At publishing time, the SBC had deployed a separate team of theology referees to monitor Ed Young, Jr. at Fellowship Church in Grapevine, TX.

 

 

[PopRox]

Guys, it gets better:

http://www.charlotteobserver.com/living/religion/article164579307.html