Homemaker By Choice - creative writing!

[clarinetpower]

Chapter 1. http://bit.ly/puXDeB

Chapter 2. http://bit.ly/qWQh8T

Chapter 3. http://bit.ly/oXjnLN

Chapter 4. http://bit.ly/mP0qZW

Chapter 5. http://bit.ly/rbcbpo

Not broken because they are bit.ly urls to a google cache.

[emeraldskull]

Random note, the "Russo's" are from Disney Channels Wizards of Waverly Place. LOL

[emeraldskull]

"Jade stared out the window of the car "I have a science test Wednesday" she said nonchalantly. "What does he see in her?" She blurted out suddenly turning towards her brother.

"What does who see in who?" Declan asked playing stupid

"Dec don't act like you have no clue what I am talking about, and stop dancing around what happened tonight. I have never seen Liam get so angry at anyone like that before. She has him under her spell" Jade said infuriated. "He was never like this until he met her"

"I think Liam is just enthralled in the fact that the most popular girl in school likes him, and is paying attention to him." Declan said

"Why did she take sudden interest in him though... he isn't the most popular guy in school nor is he a jock" Jade said puzzled "I just don't get it! Why Liam...?" she said as she looked out the window again."

Sounds like someone's giving away pieces of her heart to the nonchristian boy.... LOL

[formergothardite]

Awww. Another young maiden writing fictionals. I have to say, IMO, this is slightly better than Miss Raquel's.

[Kitty]

"Jade stared out the window of the car "I have a science test Wednesday" she said nonchalantly. "What does he see in her?" She blurted out suddenly turning towards her brother.

"What does who see in who?" Declan asked playing stupid

"Dec don't act like you have no clue what I am talking about, and stop dancing around what happened tonight. I have never seen Liam get so angry at anyone like that before. She has him under her spell" Jade said infuriated. "He was never like this until he met her"

"I think Liam is just enthralled in the fact that the most popular girl in school likes him, and is paying attention to him." Declan said

"Why did she take sudden interest in him though... he isn't the most popular guy in school nor is he a jock" Jade said puzzled "I just don't get it! Why Liam...?" she said as she looked out the window again."

Sounds like someone's giving away pieces of her heart to the nonchristian boy.... LOL

That's... very awkward. Declan is "playing stupid"? Is he psychic or something? I'd be every bit as confused too if I was talking to Jade and she suddenly did that.

[Guest Anonymous]

There's a chapter 6: homemaker-by-choice.com/2011/09/chapter-6.html

"Liam and Tori were sitting bare feet in the cold sand drinking their sodas" - I can't be the only one who thought they were carefully placing disembodied cola-sipping feet on a beach.

[silvia]

Hmm, looks like she put the other chapters back up. Wonder if she's done any editing?

[Trynn]

There's a chapter 6: homemaker-by-choice.com/2011/09/chapter-6.html

"Liam and Tori were sitting bare feet in the cold sand drinking their sodas" - I can't be the only one who thought they were carefully placing disembodied cola-sipping feet on a beach.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[CynicMom]

I can't be too hard on her. I recently came across a scene I had written in high school and it was laughably bad. And I was in high school!

So, little author, keep up the writing! You'll improve a little bit with every thing you write. Write, write wright!

Comments: Main characters (really all characters) need to have multiple sides to their personality. This is what's meant by having well-rounded characters. In fiction that's not written for very small children these traits should be a mixture of good and bad, and ideally some sort of tension exists between individual characteristics and

1. the world around them

2. other characters

3. other parts of the same person

For example, a Good Christian character (lets call her Jade) might have an ideal of piety and enjoy being held to a higher standard than those around her. This could lead to a feeling of superiority. This trait would be in conflict with another ideal of modesty and humbleness. Or she could be in conflict with another character who maybe is humble and kind-hearted but not a Christian. Or she could have conflict within her church. Maybe she could have all of these!

If you object to having immoral characters in your stories why not write about conflicts within good Christian homes? Surely within a GoodChristianHome there will be some who claim that modesty and being set apart is most important and others who think that reaching out to sinners is most important.

This is how good fiction is born! Plan, do, review!

[Kitty]

Jade is a Mary Sue. Mary Sues are special little snowflakes and don't need multiple sides to their personality! :eyeroll:

Jade's the only character whose name I haven't heard associated with any TV show mentioned here, and it's very, very common for Sues to have names of flowers, precious stones, metals, etc.

[formergothardite]

If she only reads Christian fiction, it might be why she writes this way. I recently helped a friend clean out her mom's house after having to move her into a nursing hom, and she was a Christian fiction hoarder! She had shelves and shelves of the stuff and it was all about on this girl's writing level. I just flipped through some of them, but they were all very badly written. You would think Christian publishers would have higher standards.

[pomology]

One of the commenter said: "The suspense! I am loving this :) You are blessed with a gift of words!"

Uh, suspense? It's incredibly obvious that something is wrong with Liam's mother...she's either gotten sicker or she died. Either way, bad news and the father is obviously not calling just to yell at him.

Also, gift of words? Really?

If this girl is blessed with the gift of words, I do NOT want to see the writing of those are not blessed with that gift.

[snarkykitty]

I can't be too hard on her. I recently came across a scene I had written in high school and it was laughably bad. And I was in high school!

So, little author, keep up the writing! You'll improve a little bit with every thing you write. Write, write wright!

Comments: Main characters (really all characters) need to have multiple sides to their personality. This is what's meant by having well-rounded characters. In fiction that's not written for very small children these traits should be a mixture of good and bad, and ideally some sort of tension exists between individual characteristics and

1. the world around them

2. other characters

3. other parts of the same person

For example, a Good Christian character (lets call her Jade) might have an ideal of piety and enjoy being held to a higher standard than those around her. This could lead to a feeling of superiority. This trait would be in conflict with another ideal of modesty and humbleness. Or she could be in conflict with another character who maybe is humble and kind-hearted but not a Christian. Or she could have conflict within her church. Maybe she could have all of these!

If you object to having immoral characters in your stories why not write about conflicts within good Christian homes? Surely within a GoodChristianHome there will be some who claim that modesty and being set apart is most important and others who think that reaching out to sinners is most important.

This is how good fiction is born! Plan, do, review!

As a writer, I do have a responsibility to appreciate any attempts at the craft. My will to snark on the proselyting covered up my usual enthusiasm for writing. That being said, I have a few suggestions for our budding author. I wonder if she'll accept my comment, be cause I mean it in all sincerity.

[darareaksmey]

Wow. This makes my sad little seventh-grade effort to write a novel about me running away with a rock star seem Tolstoyesque by comparison. Maybe I'll dig it out and keep working.

[Hane]

Jade was sitting on the front porch with her feet on the ledge engrossed in a book.

Some more versatile feet here--they're engrossed in a book. The participles, how they dangle. The modifiers, how they're misplaced.

[Cannelle]

If she only reads Christian fiction, it might be why she writes this way. I recently helped a friend clean out her mom's house after having to move her into a nursing hom, and she was a Christian fiction hoarder! She had shelves and shelves of the stuff and it was all about on this girl's writing level. I just flipped through some of them, but they were all very badly written. You would think Christian publishers would have higher standards.

Ugh, I have to agree. I've some Christian fiction and it's mostly lame at best. Jesus gets tossed around like a leaf in the wind at every opportune moment (and some ridiculous moments; half the time, I feel totally preached at). There have been a few Christian novels I've enjoyed, but they've been few and far between.

This is a good attempt...for someone who is 12. But hey, we all gotta start somewhere. ;)

[Guest Anonymous]

Some more versatile feet here--they're engrossed in a book. The participles, how they dangle. The modifiers, how they're misplaced.

Perhaps we're completely misinterpreting a crucial parallell narrative about feet?

[onlyorganic]

I actually think it's kind of cool that she's writing and making an attempt to be creative. I think "Twilight" is a pile of crap and to be honest, with some polishing, this isn't much worse.

[annalena]

While I don't think her writing is great, I do think it's nice she reflects about what she actually wants to do with her blog and realizes she's been trying to fit in with the others.

I was hoping no more blog hops and guest posts, but no luck so far.

[fundies_like_zombies]

what is the point of blog hops - does it really make a blog more famous? Is it like an essential thing to have to be a big blogger with lots of readers - kinda wondering what makes some blogs so well know. Like women living well - lots of readers and comments.

[Burris]

I don't know much but I do know this: She needs to read more and she needs to live more. Never mind the mistakes; those can be ironed out by a good editor. Her problem is that she needs to mature before her writing can.

That's not meant as an insult.

Writing is like any other skill; it takes time and practice - and it takes looking at a lot of other writers to see what they're doing. If HBC limits her reading material too much, then her writing will necessarily be stunted to a similar degree.

[defrauding]

"We were telling your parents about a boy that Declan was able to pray with this afternoon. His name is Dylan. The Lord used Declan to open his eyes, and come to know Christ as his Savior" Jade said excited "You'll get to meet him tomorrow at church"

"So I hear that you and Claire are in a relationship now, Declan," Liam said, trying to divert the conversation.

As Liam spoke, he curled his right hand into into a tight fist under the table. "I bet Dylan got on his knees for more than just Jesus this afternoon," he thought. Declan frequently seduced other boys under the pretense of witnessing to them. He had an uncanny ability to target boys who were questioning their sexual orientation as well as their religion.

Liam would know: he was one of Declan's conquests.

Liam fell hard for Declan after that fateful night Declan invited him over after youth group to "listen to Christian music." Liam had an inkling that he was attracted to members of the same sex, but he didn't realize just how powerful that attraction was until Declan eventually invited him to sit on his bed beside him and pray with him. As the two prayed with their heads bowed down, Liam felt Declan's hand moving up his thigh, and it was all over after that.

For the next several months, Declan and Liam spent most of their free time together, and Declan's hands were on Liam at every available opportunity -- including one time when they were both behind a column in the narthex and the youth pastor was standing only several feet away. Liam was worried about eternal damnation, for sure, and he still pretended to be heterosexual for the rest of the world, but the bond they shared seemed too beautiful to be wrong, much like the bond between Jonathan and David in the Old Testament.

Jonathan, however, had never caught David making out with a member of the track team in the boy's locker room.

When Liam was finally able to talk to Declan about what happened, Liam learned that his romantic feelings were never reciprocated: Declan viewed the things they did together as nothing more than a fun diversion. In fact, Declan had been with someone else when Liam was on a weekend family vacation three weeks before! Liam was crushed. Unfortunately, because they had so many mutual friends, there was no way for Liam to stop socializing with Declan without raising people's suspicions. So Liam continued to be friends with Declan in public even as he seethed inside.

Over time, Liam came to realize how much of a player Declan was. Sure, Declan kept dating girls for appearances, including Claire -- ever-sweet, ever-lovable, and ever-oblivious -- but that didn't stop him from "listening to Christian music" with a number of boys, including Liam from time to time. Liam knew better than to continue fooling around with the boy who broke his heart, but he just couldn't help himself. It wasn't as if Tori could ever fulfill his physical desires.

"Besides," thought Liam, "I'm pretty sure Tori's a closet lipstick lesbian anyway."

[Kitty]

lkjfskdjjkk;jsfkjdjfdsljk FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

I know EXACTLY where it's going and :angry-screaming:

[annalena]

oh well, me too.

why is the story so focused on sexuality anyway?

[lilah]

Off to go read it, I love it when they try to write "fictionals" :clap:

Maybe we should have a literacy circle so we compare this story to the one that Raquel/God's daughter wrote