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Homemaker By Choice - creative writing!


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Who has read it? She's writing a novel or....something. Here are some gems:

"Tori was the total opposite of Jade, but that seemed to be the type of girl Liam was interested in. She was the head cheerleader, and the most popular, prettiest girl at West High."

"The next day was Saturday, and Jade was getting ready to head down to the pier to meet up with some of the others from church. They were all going to go street witnessing together. It was another beautiful day."

"Declan, Claire, Jade and Eli all sat at their usual table by the window. It was another awesome Saturday afternoon. 'It was so cool that you got to pray with Dylan tonight, Declan. He seemed very touched by the gospel, and so broken that he broke God's commandments' Jade said between bites of her cookie dough ice cream. 'He is a new brother in Christ! I am so grateful that the Lord allowed me to be an instrument in Dylan's salvation' Declan said taking a bite of his Strawberry cheesecake ice cream and smiling at Claire."

"'So I hear that you and Claire are in a relationship now, Declan' Liam said trying to divert the conversation. 'Yes, we are courting. We're getting to know each other with the intent to marry' Declan said looking at Claire. 'I love spending time with her.'"

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Hee, someone is watching a little too much Degrassi! Declan, Claire and Eli are all recent characters on the Canadian teenage drama, Degrassi - very liberal show for Little Miss Homemaker to be watching...

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This is just bad. This is what I'd expect of a 12 year old writing fan fiction for the first time.

The characters are very, very flat. There is no depth at all.

The writing is also flat. I can't really explain. It's just very, very simple.

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Too worldly for the Maxwell types, too sucky for real people.

It must be for fundie lites who go to school and have friends? Maybe she is hoping she will get a gig writing Christian teen drama for the religious station when she moves back to the US.

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"Awe your too sweet dear Jade"

WTF. I mean, I eventually figured out that this was trying to say, "Aw, you're too sweet, dear Jade" but it took me several readings.

Even ignoring the spelling and grammatical errors the writing is horrendous.

And ignoring spelling, grammar, and an incredibly shitty writing style, the story itself is utterly moronic.

Most pukeworthy of all though, is that I have met one of the commenter IRL. She is the friend of some friends. It's so weird that anybody my friends (who are highly intelligent and very liberal) would enjoy the company of would subscribe to such utter bullshit.

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Who has read it? She's writing a novel or....something. Here are some gems:

"Tori was the total opposite of Jade, but that seemed to be the type of girl Liam was interested in. She was the head cheerleader, and the most popular, prettiest girl at West High."

"The next day was Saturday, and Jade was getting ready to head down to the pier to meet up with some of the others from church. They were all going to go street witnessing together. It was another beautiful day."

"Declan, Claire, Jade and Eli all sat at their usual table by the window. It was another awesome Saturday afternoon. 'It was so cool that you got to pray with Dylan tonight, Declan. He seemed very touched by the gospel, and so broken that he broke God's commandments' Jade said between bites of her cookie dough ice cream. 'He is a new brother in Christ! I am so grateful that the Lord allowed me to be an instrument in Dylan's salvation' Declan said taking a bite of his Strawberry cheesecake ice cream and smiling at Claire."

"'So I hear that you and Claire are in a relationship now, Declan' Liam said trying to divert the conversation. 'Yes, we are courting. We're getting to know each other with the intent to marry' Declan said looking at Claire. 'I love spending time with her.'"

Reads like it was written by a 12 year old. No doubt full of Mary Sues.

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Declan, Claire, Eli: Degrassi characters. So was Dylan, way back, but she probably hasn't watched that part, because Dylan was gay. Well, except wasn't Dylan the one who was a sinner? Maybe she does know him. LOL.

Tori and Jade are main characters in Victorious.

This chick is trying to Christian-ize her TeenNick channel.

But honestly, I read a TON of fanfiction based on shows in the TeenNick age demographic, and you would not believe how many I have to click out of for being written at this level. I'd say it's a 80/20 ratio, with 80% being this quality and 20% being well written. Of that 80%, at least 5% is way worse than that. (People who, for instance, in the middle of a paragraph, stop their story to explain what they meant and then apologizing for not being able to make it clear within the narrative. They exist.)

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I read this the other day. Not only is it terrible writing and weak on grammar (god knows I ain't fond of grammar myself but your/you're is not that hard to figure out), but the story is also.... not very good. The "good" girl is very clearly a "good" person while the "bad" girl is a horrible slut who wears a cheerleader's uniform and doesn't care about other people except when they make her look good. I also like how her boyfriend is only with her because she's pretty and popular, it's like she has no personality and no worth as a human being.

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It might have been better if she told it from the head cheerleader's point of view. Also, unless you're going for the Randall Flag type evil(Stephen King), it is always good to give the bad character a few good traits. After all, why would anyone like the cheerleader if she is only a nasty person.

IF she is going to create a cardboard bad guy than she should go all out and have fun with it. Make the cheerleader run over cats for fun or kill her competition. If that girl is going to be evil, make her really, really evil.

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She may be reading here, it's been wiped from her site. No cached version either.

Sad. She did tell us to be honest with our opinions though.

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Still available! And it's quite a read. Can you read between the lines?

"We were telling your parents about a boy that Declan was able to pray with this afternoon. His name is Dylan. The Lord used Declan to open his eyes, and come to know Christ as his Savior" Jade said excited "You'll get to meet him tomorrow at church"

"So I hear that you and Claire are in a relationship now, Declan" Liam said trying to divert the conversation.

"Yes, we are courting. We're getting to know each other with the intent to marry" Declan said looking at Claire. "I love spending time with her."

"So how about you and Tori?" Eli asked Liam. "Are you planning a wedding in the near future?"

"Whoa, Eli. Aren't we moving a little fast here? We've only been dating for a year! And we're only eighteen. We can't make that kind of commitment now. That would be irresponsible!"

Claire was glas she had put her wedding dress catalog back in her purse before they sat down.

"Then why are you dating her, Liam? What's your intent?"

"What do you mean what's my intent? Who says I need one? I'm dating her because I like her, and I enjoy spending time with her." Liams face was getting red, but he still managed to speak in a calm voice. Tori was not as composed.

"What business is it of yours as to why we are dating? Why do you care?" She asked angrily. "We're still young we have our whole lives ahead of us"

"Each person that you date you give your heart away to them. What will be left for your future spouse?" Jade asked sincerely.

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bah, does anyone know if there is a cache of the other chapters? I am sucky with computers and can't tell if only chapter 1 is cached.

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I like to see people attempting creative projects and challenging themselves, so I don't want to be too hard on Amber. Grammar mistakes, etc. can easily be fixed. That said, I think the biggest issue here is that her story currently reads more like a morality play than a gripping work of fiction. When a story is really a transparent attempt to promote a particular belief system, readers will generally close the book in frustration (unless they've already bought into the system wholesale, perhaps). They will feel they can't trust the integrity of the characters, because the characters will really just be pawns in service to the writer's overarching agenda. Genuine characters will be multi-dimensional and have elements of both good and bad (yes, even the heroes and heroines), and genuine stories arise organically out of the characters' wants and needs and are a little unpredictable. Good may not always triumph perfectly over evil at the end, and that's OK. In fact, that's real life. People are looking for stories that feel true, that resonate with their own experience, not thinly-disguised polemics.

I love how Newbery winner Shannon Hale puts it: "As a writer, I never sit down with a story and think, 'Let's see, what do I want to teach my fans today?' Now some authors and some books force a message into the book, wrap a moral inside a story and kind of cram it down your throat. These books never work well... Any message that comes out of a good book will be the reader's call."

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If she is reading here, maybe we can give her some helpful advice. Writing is a craft that takes time to learn.

First, get rid of some of the converstation tags. As long as we know who is talking, we don't need to be reminded again and again that someone said. Also, be careful with adverbs.

Jade asked sincerely. Why do we need to know that she asked sincerly? If she asked the question, she is probably sincere in wanting an answer or she wouldn't ask. Saying that she asked sincerely sounds redundant.

She needs to include the five senses in her description. Sight descriptions are pretty obvious. But how does the air smell? Is someone wearing strong perfume? Do the seats creak when people move? etc.

What is the main character's own conflict? Is it just convincing another person to follow her views?That would be boring. Instead, she should be doubtful about her own views. Put her in the way of temptation and try to make her uncomfortable.

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I like to see people attempting creative projects and challenging themselves, so I don't want to be too hard on Amber. Grammar mistakes, etc. can easily be fixed. That said, I think the biggest issue here is that her story currently reads more like a morality play than a gripping work of fiction. When a story is really a transparent attempt to promote a particular belief system, readers will generally close the book in frustration (unless they've already bought into the system wholesale, perhaps). They will feel they can't trust the integrity of the characters, because the characters will really just be pawns in service to the writer's overarching agenda. Genuine characters will be multi-dimensional and have elements of both good and bad (yes, even the heroes and heroines), and genuine stories arise organically out of the characters' wants and needs and are a little unpredictable. Good may not always triumph perfectly over evil at the end, and that's OK. In fact, that's real life. People are looking for stories that feel true, that resonate with their own experience, not thinly-disguised polemics.

Bravo, this is so well said. I have a huge problem with fiction that prosetylizes to its readers.

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You can't blame a girl for trying... but still. Some how-to writing novels would definitely help. And also not trying to turn every story into a sermon.

I was homeschooled, and have done a fair bit of writing myself (can't really vouch for the quality of it, since as the writer, I am awfully biased :D), so I know it can be hard, especially with some of the first writings. But really, if you are going to write, let it be a true story rather than a sermon wrapped up in the voices of flat characters. Don't write a non-fiction as a fiction. It never ends well.

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