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Real Life Fundie Encounters - Part 4


Coconut Flan

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@EowynW I think this is the first time I used the angry react. Just so you know, that is absolutely not meant at you, but at the message of that picture. I emphasize with you, it really sucks to have family members preaching horrible beliefs, especially parents :( 

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5 hours ago, AliceInFundyland said:

 There’s nothing polite or reasonable to say about that.

Oh I know. I lost my temper about it behind closed doors. But when I talk to them, I do try to be polite. Firm & truthful but not mean. Since we only live ten minutes from them and see them often, for Mr. EW's sake I try to not start fires. Well, too much. There are dust ups a few times a year anyways. :D 

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A first for me...seeing a fundie family on the neutral ground at the red light turn into Walmart  (the median for those not from New Orleans) holding signs saying "heaven or hell" and some other sayings. I was too slow with the phone to get a picture. Not sure if they were UPC or something else. Never heard of anyone getting saved before the turn light turns red.

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Was working at an event in Central VA yesterday and saw 3 families that I'm guessing were fundy. First family had like 4-5 people, women were all wearing skirts and dad was wearing jeans despite it being 80-something outside. Second family had the signature van, dad and two of the sons were wearing polos and jeans. Mom and all 4-5 of the daughters had on skirts except for one who was wearing jean capris. Third family I didn't see but they had the signature van so it's open to interpretations.

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I forgot to post this but a couple Saturdays back I saw two possibly Mennonite girls at the skating rink. They had long dresses down to their ankles and little head coverings. I was trying to find the exact kind but didn't see one exactly like theirs. They were small and black and kind of lacy. Sort of like the pic I'm attaching. They were with a guy who was wearing regular clothes. I wasn't sure if he was a friend or a brother or what the situation was. He looked a little young to be a dad and I studied their interactions. They seemed kind of more like siblings or friends.

The girls had on hockey skates and they were pretty badass skaters! I was impressed at them being able to skate that well in long dresses. I smiled at them a few times, since I technically work there and also because I'm a nice person. They seemed quiet and shy. Just thought it was interesting. 

netcovering-300.jpg

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Hi @Aine I met the Hare Krishna man at the recycling depot.  Wouldn’t you know it he’s seems like a very nice man who was very pleased to meet me.  I kinda liked him but that’s always the problem isn’t it?  So many are really nice people who are searching for something and get sucked in.  Anyhow, I did get invited to the compound to “pet the sacred cows”. I would go just for the hell of it but I am hubby’s caregiver and can’t go without him, hubs would have a fit if I took him there.  Thanks for caring and I will post ongoing developments if there are any.

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So... 

if your fundie inlaws angrily accost their son and tell him how horrible his wife is, how the are so sorry he has to put up with the woman he married, how she is a man hater (for pushing back against saying most men are innocent regarding sexual assault), a liberal, off the beaten path, asking what terrible thing happened to his wife to turn her into a social justice warrior in life and on Facebook, and offering to PRIVATLY COUNSEL said wife in order to fix her. Raining down hurtful words and toxicity on their son, bringing him to tears with what they said about his wife. 

Is unfriending your fundie inlaws on FB justified? 

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12 minutes ago, EowynW said:

Is unfriending your fundie inlaws on FB justified? 

Oh my gosh!!! I would say yes! I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I have followed a lot of your posts about them and I am sorry for the way they are treating you and your husband. I know you said you live very close by them so avoiding them would be hard. Too bad you can't move to another state or something. :( Anyway I don't have any helpful advice. Just wanted you know that I too am appalled by their behavior.

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I am hurt, I admit.  I believe differently than them and have a very strong personality, but have really tried to be a good daughter in law and keep the peace. But that's that now. I really do think my MIL might be a bit bipolar or something.  Mr. EW says from now on he'd rather me not go over there alone, and please think about deleting them from Facebook since they like to get into hysterics over my liberal views and just who I am as a person. :D 

My inlaws are very bitter unhappy people and that leaks into everything in their life. Nothing I do can make them happy so I need to stop trying. I could feel the spiritual yuck coming off their words when he told me about it later. They had the nerve to say "oh don't tell EowynW we said this." And "we love you guys so much but we need to speak up when a problem like this presents itself". We've been going through a rough time lately with sick cars, stressful jobs, and low on cash and my MIL had the nerve to ask if "we were tithing" because in her worldview, she thinks its possible we could be suffering by not giving money. 

We do have to see them fairly regularly but lots of new boundaries are being put into place and they aren't allowed a spot in my social media life now. And we are saving and dreaming about moving away in the future. They are going to find themselves so very alone in the future. :) 

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1 hour ago, EowynW said:

Is unfriending your fundie inlaws on FB justified? 

We've (hubs and me) unfriended/blocked most of his family. They're unbearable and offensive. The only family we're FB friends with are the kids and the grandkids old enough to have FB. His mother, sister and brother, my cousins are OUT. 

None of them were there when he was so sick or when we were struggling. Fuck 'em all. 

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1 hour ago, EowynW said:

We do have to see them fairly regularly

I know they are your ILs and live close by, but really, no you don't have to see them regularly. You really don't.

Just because they are your ILs does not mean they get to say horrible hurtful things about you to Mr EW and berate him for marrying you.  Next time they might do it to your face -- and then what?  They have no boundaries, and although I know you're going to set some, I'm pretty sure they won't respect them and will just escalate their behavior.

What they did is unacceptable in every way and you don't have to reward them for it by continuing to see them -- even a limited way.  Please for the sake of your self esteem, don't allow them to continue to do this.  If that means you never see them, then that is the consequence of their behavior.

 

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17 minutes ago, Red Hair, Black Dress said:

I know they are your ILs and live close by, but really, no you don't have to see them regularly. You really don't.

Just because they are your ILs does not mean they get to say horrible hurtful things about you to Mr EW and berate him for marrying you.  Next time they might do it to your face -- and then what?  They have no boundaries, and although I know you're going to set some, I'm pretty sure they won't respect them and will just escalate their behavior.

What they did is unacceptable in every way and you don't have to reward them for it by continuing to see them -- even a limited way.  Please for the sake of your self esteem, don't allow them to continue to do this.  If that means you never see them, then that is the consequence of their behavior.

 

EowynW, I agree with what RH,BD says.  You do not have to see them, although I understand that you may feel like you have to because they are your in-laws.  Mine are pretty toxic, the local ones anyway on Mr. Briefly's dad's side and some of the Texas based ones on his moms side.  But your sanity is more important than seeing people who are so opposed to you.  It sounds like your husband has your back, which is important.

I would un-friend them in an instant.  And not regret it one bit.  They are not worth the aggravation.

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We have scaled it way back and now are even more. But they have a garage set up for car repairs so we have been over quite a bit lately. We don't have any other option right now. We can't afford to rent out space somewhere for car stuff and have no friends with a garage setup. Right now nothing feels easy. ? 

 

i did try so hard to be a good daughter in law. And helped them with all sorts of things. But not anymore. 

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@EowynW: I am very sorry you have to go through this! And I am even more sorry you still have to interact with your ILs. Anything you will or will not do will be met with their disapproval anyway, so really it doesn't make e a difference what you do. Remove them from your social media, at least they won't be constantly in your face then.  As for keeping the peace: it should not be a one-sided thing because it is impossible for one person to keep peace if the other side constantly throws bombs!

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@Eowynw: I am so, so sorry you have to deal with this!  My mother-in-law never had a kind word to say about me, but it didn't upset my husband; he enjoyed torturing her by urging her on.  He couldn't stand her; I actually played peace maker at times.  Just know that you are a good person and she is not going to benefit by being so nasty to you.

 

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Re the mothers of sons post. Its completely one sided which I do not agree with but what is so shocking to you all about it? (genuine question, I am a little confused and maybe a bit biased). Maybe its different because i have literally watched two girls destroy the life of a boy I love, I dont know but from my experience, it not untrue (my nephew, who has suffered greatly at the hands of two young women, he is no angel but the lengths these girls have gone to in revenge i guess is ... almost unbelievable and have scarred him for life). Help me understand what i am missing here from a perspective not so clouded.

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19 hours ago, HurricaneBells said:

Re the mothers of sons post. Its completely one sided which I do not agree with but what is so shocking to you all about it? (genuine question, I am a little confused and maybe a bit biased). Maybe its different because i have literally watched two girls destroy the life of a boy I love, I dont know but from my experience, it not untrue (my nephew, who has suffered greatly at the hands of two young women, he is no angel but the lengths these girls have gone to in revenge i guess is ... almost unbelievable and have scarred him for life). Help me understand what i am missing here from a perspective not so clouded.

Because statistically only 4-6% of accusations are false. Women gave a far greater chance of being raped/assaulted and ridiculed & disbelived when reported than a man does of having a false accusation brought a against him. Everyone I personally know  who is on the mother of boys hysteria bandwagon is also pushing back against disbelieved sexual assault actually being a legitimate problem. They are far more concerned about false accusations than they are about believing the horrible evils going on and being covered up under our noses in churches today. 

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Thank you for taking the time to clarify it for me, appreciated. Im not on that wagon btw! In this case its nothing to do with sexual assault so it didnt cross my mind that was what it meant. See, biased lol.

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Someone from my former fundie church told my parents tonight at church that I had said I positively would never be having children. I've never said that to anyone especially not on Facebook where people could see. I have fielded off questions by saying "no kids now, and not anytime soon." Or "no I'm not pregnant thank goodness." 

So my parents were quite hurt and upset. My Mom texted me asking if I truly had a desire to ever have a child, a bundle of blessing and joy because it's a righteous natural desire, you know.  I honestly told her I wasn't quite sure and we for sure aren't having any right now due to health and finances. My fundie mother is praying now that "God will instill in you heart you desire for children" and is all "you guys will be amazing parents and we want YOUR children." 

It was a bit upsetting. I cried part of the evening. Even as a fundie girl I never had a baby longing and wasn't interested much in them. I dreamed of helping people in different ways, and of being a farmer or rancher. I know I have zero desire to be a stay at home mother. Both of us got married thinking we had to follow the life script. Well now we are realizing we don't really want to and we have a choice. If decide to have a kid it'll be one child. Period.

But right now we are on shaky financial ground. This economy needs two incomes. Even living simply. And we don't want to live like ours parents did. I grew up dirt poor in a struggling fundie family. So did he. We don't want that for us. And if that means no kids so be it. Neither of us have college degrees or higher education. We got out of fundiedom and are starting at the bottom. It's going to be a rough few years while we work to build a life together. And we've always wanted a spouse focused marriage not a child focused one. Right now we just aren't sure and don't know. And right now we feel that "meh it is what we are supposed to do and we don't want to disappoint anyone" isn't a good enough reason to bring a human soul into the world even if we are in our early 30s. 

This is all jumbled. I'm just so tired of dealing with  well meaning Jesus people that we are related to. :( 

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18 hours ago, EowynW said:

Someone from my former fundie church told my parents tonight at church that I had said I positively would never be having children. I've never said that to anyone especially not on Facebook where people could see. I have fielded off questions by saying "no kids now, and not anytime soon." Or "no I'm not pregnant thank goodness." 

So my parents were quite hurt and upset. My Mom texted me asking if I truly had a desire to ever have a child, a bundle of blessing and joy because it's a righteous natural desire, you know.  I honestly told her I wasn't quite sure and we for sure aren't having any right now due to health and finances. My fundie mother is praying now that "God will instill in you heart you desire for children" and is all "you guys will be amazing parents and we want YOUR children." 

It was a bit upsetting. I cried part of the evening. Even as a fundie girl I never had a baby longing and wasn't interested much in them. I dreamed of helping people in different ways, and of being a farmer or rancher. I know I have zero desire to be a stay at home mother. Both of us got married thinking we had to follow the life script. Well now we are realizing we don't really want to and we have a choice. If decide to have a kid it'll be one child. Period.

But right now we are on shaky financial ground. This economy needs two incomes. Even living simply. And we don't want to live like ours parents did. I grew up dirt poor in a struggling fundie family. So did he. We don't want that for us. And if that means no kids so be it. Neither of us have college degrees or higher education. We got out of fundiedom and are starting at the bottom. It's going to be a rough few years while we work to build a life together. And we've always wanted a spouse focused marriage not a child focused one. Right now we just aren't sure and don't know. And right now we feel that "meh it is what we are supposed to do and we don't want to disappoint anyone" isn't a good enough reason to bring a human soul into the world even if we are in our early 30s. 

This is all jumbled. I'm just so tired of dealing with  well meaning Jesus people that we are related to. :( 

I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.  It's your and your spouse's decision, and nobody else really has a vote.  It's ok for a parent or in-law to ask if you are having children, but not to keep harping on it.  It's fine for them to say that they would like grandchildren - but again, not to harp on it.  You were asked, you answered and that should be the end of it.

I absolutely knew from a very young age that I wanted children.  But not everybody does and I think it's better to not have them if you aren't sure, as opposed to having them when you don't want them.  That does nobody any good.

Hang in there, and stick your fingers in your ears (figuratively, literally if needed) when your Mom starts the discussion again!

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@EowynW the next time your mother asks, ask her if she's willing to gestate, deliver and finance said grandchild. No? Then STFU mother. 

but, I'm a bitch like that. 

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@EowynW I feel like I have something to say about all of this. Since I was very young, I always knew I didn't want children. As I got older, high school age, I felt I always wanted to adopt or foster. I always felt so weird because I didn't know anyone else like me. In 2013, my husband and I had been together several years and I was set in my ways and didn't even want to adopt anymore. At a family BBQ I met a relative's (kind of by marriage but not really) child who had such an impact on me that I decided I would mentor her. Long story short, her bio mom couldn't care for her and my husband and I adopted her at the age of 11.

We are now taking on our 11, 9 and 7 year old nieces and nephew who are being extremely neglected by their parents. The parents are caring for them well enough that the state sees it as OK and fit; however the kids are emotionally neglected in so many ways and it breaks our hearts. We will be taking them in every weekend and showing them how stable families act. Their bio dad is an alcoholic and gamer and while he's the primary caretaker for them, they are basically left to raise one another. It is infuriating.

My point is, even if you and Mr. EowynW don't find yourselves having biological children, there are so, so many kids out there in need of guidance and support. There is always a way to reach out and help children in your community, whether through work or volunteering. It's such a trigger subject for me and I'm sorry for going off on it. Abused and neglected children and animals have always gotten to me in a way I can't explain (don't ask how many animals we have). Those of us who have the time and money ability should help. But hugs to you in your entirely difficult situation. ❤️

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Yes, I have always wanted to help and invest in others. Honestly more than having my own kids and living in my own tiny bubble TBH. :) 

I did tell my Mom that in the future we might have a kid. Just one. But then she says that oh "two is the perfect number for a family" so she just really isn't seeking to understand me logically right now. My whole life I've head butted with her. She's very sensitive, emotional, gentle, nurturing, + alllllll that fundie ideology. And she gave birth to me. A female cousin of Spock. The opposite of her. :D 

 

 She works as a doula and is constantly around Good Girls. Her clients are mostly Fundie/evangelical conservative women who get married, have the babies, stay home, love the life, etc. I have quite a few cousins in a fundie cult and they have big families and stay at home mom.  I, however, am not a Good Girl. The thought of being a full time stay at home mom surrounded by toddlers fills me with dread. I don't like being solely dependent on someone else. I can't do it. And we are in no position to afford childcare anytime soon. 

my sister & sister in law planning on having lots of kids and being stay at home moms, the Good Girls, so my Mom has a lot to look forward to. Just maybe not from me. I'm content to be an Aunt for now. 

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I’m sorry. I just have to share with someone and you all will understand. So I have very conservative family. I wouldn’t call them fundie but... maybe fundie lite? And I’ve known and loved them my whole life. The matriarch was a mother figure to my mom- she’s in her 80s but damned if she doesn’t have a Facebook and she’s not afraid to use it. I’ve gently left some comments when she posts things like God bless Trump or pray for him or ‘stand for kavanagh’... some of my comments get deleted but I’ve tried to keep things very focused on how I feel I should behave as a Christian and how I can shine my light and how i don’t believe this administration is representing me as a Christian... blah blah. 

Today she posted this. IS THIS NOT THE GOTHARD UMBRELLA BULLSHIT? Like... I can argue this but... not in a nice way though. WTF am I supposed to do with this besides barf?EC339B9F-6361-465E-BFC5-ACA4B3012701.thumb.jpeg.e14ee58bb4078265561dcef222bb4845.jpeg

EC339B9F-6361-465E-BFC5-ACA4B3012701.jpeg

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