Duggars by the Dozen 29 - A Very Inappropriate Lawsuit

[xlurker]

11 hours ago, VelociRapture said:

Not every girl is going to be a horrible little asshole during her teen years.

With you 100%  I raised 2 girls, and was involved with many more as I was a coach.  Yeah, there can be drama--but there is also LOTS of love and laughter mixed in with a few tears.  I never really dealt with much more than an eye roll....Velocibaby and you will make it thru!  

[victoriasponge]

20 hours ago, Chocolatedefrauded said:

I was afraid of that! When does it get better - 15 or 16? I need some hope....

If it makes you feel better, I'm 20 now and I was pretty much out that phase by 14/15. I had the friend drama when I was around 12-14 and then it evened out and was all fine and dandy.

Some girls never even get that much drama. I had my issues with friends, but I never fell out with mum, we've always been there for each other. I asked her since and she said I was 'remarkably easy' to deal with. Just be prepared for a whole lot of patience (and if you've got a kid to teenagehood, you've definitely got that patience already!).

[HarryPotterFan]

47 minutes ago, wikinggirl said:

According to my mom I got better when I got a steady boyfriend at 17 and started having sex.... 

 

Well, that's one way to solve teenage angst that's not in the parenting books 

[MadeItOut]

5 hours ago, Lurker said:

My daughter became a new person when she hit 17 and started working at Starbucks.  

Further proof of the magic and restorative properties of coffee.

[SapphireSlytherin]

1 minute ago, MadeItOut said:

Further proof of the magic and restorative properties of coffee.

My daughter's been a coffeeholic since she was about ten... We had it rough...  I'm glad we're friends now (truly - we are). We even take girls' trips together to London, Paris, NYC, WWOHP, etc. 

[Carm_88]

I think I got better when I was 17-18, I wasn't a horrible teen but I very much wanted a place to belong. When I went to university, I found friends who were very much like me and I felt like I was being accepted for me for the very first time. That helps a lot. 

[Shadoewolf]

Oldest Wolfie (just turned 17) was hell as a baby, she had colic for months. Otherwise a good kid though. But she's grown up a total momma's girl, she and I are super close. She can be a little over-dramatic sometimes and a bit of a hypochondriac but otherwise her teenage angst is minimal. She's got a LOT of my attitude, in that I will give people the world. I dress how I want to dress, like the music I like, and if people don't like it well too bad for them. She doesn't put up with anyone's crap. Her hair was recently platinum blond, neon pink and glow in the dark green. Her head looked like a scoop of rainbow sherbert.

Middle Woflie turns 13 next week and she drives me BONKERS. Doesn't listen, lies, has to be completely overdramatic and cry at every little thing, horrible grades. But we *think* thats because when the ex had custody for a year, the wicked stepmother couldn't stand Oldest Wolfie, and they clashed constantly so they sent Oldest Wolfie to back to us. Middle Wolfie is a daddy's girl and so sweet and so cute, they spoiled her. But he got deployed so she came back to me. Suddenly I won't do everything for her, batting her pretty blue eyes doesn't work, she actually has chores and expectations. There's the lying, crying and bad grades. We *think* she got the idea that if she's bad enough, we'll send her to live with the ex where things are easy. NOPE! 

The best thing I can suggest is to be open from the start. Encourage them to talk to you, and let them know you will always be there to listen no matter what they tell you or what they do. I don't buy that " I'm your mom, not your friend". I'm both to my wolfies, but parent is always on top and in CAPS. 

[Chocolatedefrauded]

Shadoewolf, thanks, that's really good advice. My kid's is pretty good overall but overly dramatic & cries easily. Her grades are outstanding but she doesn't like to do chores or even clean up after herself. She definitely gets hangry! There has been some bad friend drama but I think it is mostly selfish behavior. One girl started dating at 11! I let my kid know she can't date solo til 15 or 16 but group dates are fine before.

My hubby dotes on her but takes it too far, I think, like fetching her water cause she doesn't want to get up. She's a only so she doesn't have to share us.

[Spanger]

@Chocolatedefrauded: idk, but if it makes you feel any better, but I'm only 15 mo apart from Babby Sister (tm).  We had it x2- or maybe more- maybe the infighting makes it exponential?    Everyone survived!

If I can give one peice of unrelated advice- make sure she has a safe, 'cool' adult to call on the off chance she ever needs a safe ride home after a night of drinking.  Someone she's not afraid of getting in trouble from.  If that's you, awesome.  But just in case calling mom is too scary, make sure she has a neighbor, coach, boss, whoever- someone- to call and ask for help too.  Make sure that number is in her phone, and on a slip of paper in her wallet in case her phone dies.  Let her know, she won't be in trouble for asking for help (or at least a lot less trouble than by not asking).  

I shudder to think of some of the lucky-but-unsafe drives I had as a teenager.  Later on, I worked as a fast-food adult for some time, gave my number to the kids I worked with, gave them rides home.  Always promised not to tell the parents...  Almost always did.  Never got a kid in trouble by doing it either; parents were always glad their kids had made a safer choice.

best wishes!

[Shadoewolf]

Absolutely this! ^^.  The other two things I forgot to add were 1) that if she's comfortable enough coming to talk to you, don't always give advice. Sometimes kids just need to know you really are there and you really are listening. I tend to stay out of the friend drama unless it's necessary for an adult to intervene.

2)Let her know that if she's ever uncomfortable with a situation and needs an out, she can use you as the bad guy.  When I suspect something like this with my Oldest, I ask if her room is clean? If she says yes I know its ok. If she says no then I tell her to come home and get it done. Instant out and on my shoulders not hers.

 

[TeaGrannie]

I had to do the 3am please come get me call to my mother. Showed up in her pyjamas and took me home. Only comment "thanks for calling, see you in the morning"

I was also the coach that said call in emergencies if you can't/won't call parents, got a couple calls but nothing too crazy. 

[JordynDarby5]

On ‎7‎/‎30‎/‎2017 at 8:29 PM, HarryPotterFan said:

That movie came out when I was a teen and enduring a lot of bullying, and my reaction was, "Those girls weren't mean enough!" That gives you an idea of what a certain spawn of Satan/dementor put me through.

But yeah, I was moody and put through hell by this spawn of Satan/dementor and unfortunately took a lot of it out on my parents. I did eventually apologize. Took a few years  I once told my mom I was terrified of having a daughter like me and she laughed. Oh boy.

 

So did I. It reminded me so much of middle school and high school. Except meaner. There would be a several girl tie on who would have been the Regina George in my high school.

[MadeItOut]

7 hours ago, Shadoewolf said:

Oldest Wolfie (just turned 17) was hell as a baby, she had colic for months. Otherwise a good kid though. But she's grown up a total momma's girl, she and I are super close. She can be a little over-dramatic sometimes and a bit of a hypochondriac but otherwise her teenage angst is minimal. She's got a LOT of my attitude, in that I will give people the world. I dress how I want to dress, like the music I like, and if people don't like it well too bad for them. She doesn't put up with anyone's crap. Her hair was recently platinum blond, neon pink and glow in the dark green. Her head looked like a scoop of rainbow sherbert.

I have heard it said that the hormonal sweeps that can cause "testing twos" and teenage stuff seem to tend towards a pattern where most people seem to only have one of the two in a really intense way, so that if two/three was rough, often teens aren't so bad, or vice-versa.

Not too sure what's been done science-wise. I vaguely remember a mention of a study about to start in The New Scientist years ago, but I am sadly behind on my NS reading. 

[keepsweet]

On 6/8/2017 at 1:39 PM, KelseyAnn said:

I'm sorry, but choosing to stay with an asshat and choosing to expose her kids to dangerous ideology is neglect. If not outright abusive. 

If Josh has proven himself to no longer be an asshat to professionals in the child protective services department then he would be allowed to have this children for visitation alone. If he hasn't proven it yet, he could in the future.

Just because people here have decided he is unfit doesn't mean any CPS would agree with you for all eternity.

I've watched my niece deal with just as big an asshat, proven druggie  and yet he gets to take his daughter every other weekend and  for a few weeks vacation after thousands spent by my BIL on legal fees to keep him from being able to do so.

People need to realize that the ultimate goal is always for the children to have a relationship with the parents if they can prove they have rehabilitated or are not a threat. 

People need to realize that their armchair decision of what is abuse isn't binding on the courts.

 

[nvmbr02]

14 hours ago, Exposedknees said:

Being a teen-aged girl is hard, It is the time for parents to let some things go and give some space. It is hard to watch mistakes being made but these need to happen.

They balk at a lot of parental questions. They can be moody and on an emotional roller coaster, Their friends are important and it often feels like they care about them more than you. Start an open dialogue when they're younger-they will come around to you easier if they have before. Appearance is everything- they feel that they're being judged by their peers ALL of the time, Everything is embarrassing...they need time to find themselves. Answer questions honestly. Try not to freak out or judge if they're explicit. 

Resist the urge to snap back when they're all angsty and moody...let it go. She'll come back. 

I try to remind myself of this all the time! My oldest is almost 14 and it seems to be getting better with her. But we still have rough days. Last week she was joy to be around. We went shopping for school supplies, out to lunch and for pedicures. We had wonderful conversations and she made me laugh. This week she is refusing to speak more than the bare minimum and pretty much just glares at everyone. I am fairly certain that there is something going on with a friend but she wont talk about it.

That being said. My son is 12 and he has plenty of his emotional ups and downs of his own. They are a bit different than his sister's but not really any easier. 

I just hoping that the oldest is somewhat human before the youngest starts the emotional roller coaster than is the teen years. 

[wikinggirl]

11 hours ago, HarryPotterFan said:

Well, that's one way to solve teenage angst that's not in the parenting books 

That's how it is when you're a heathen Scandinavian! 

[Four is Enough]

9 hours ago, Shadoewolf said:

 1) that if she's comfortable enough coming to talk to you, don't always give advice. Sometimes kids just need to know you really are there and you really are listening. I tend to stay out of the friend drama unless it's necessary for an adult to intervene.

2)Let her know that if she's ever uncomfortable with a situation and needs an out, she can use you as the bad guy.  When I suspect something like this with my Oldest, I ask if her room is clean? If she says yes I know its ok. If she says no then I tell her to come home and get it done. Instant out and on my shoulders not hers.

 

I second this. I had many a conversation with Four, facing front in the car on the way to school or anywhere.. I listened to a lot of stuff about her friends and managed to get her opinion without always saying mine, and talked "in the abstract" about things we both knew she was facing same as her friend was, but things I said were "about her friend"..

And I will always, always, be the bad guy, to the point where she will still text me and say "tell me to come home". I always will. Sometimes, I'll call to make it more realistic, 

I have to say, we had plenty of drama and angst with Four, but she is and was a lovely person, very kind and generous, loving and giving. Yes, we took the doorknob off her door, (prevents slamming) and we monitored the phone use, etc... but she and we lived through it.

[SapphireSlytherin]

24 minutes ago, Four is Enough said:

And I will always, always, be the bad guy, to the point where she will still text me and say "tell me to come home". I always will. Sometimes, I'll call to make it more realistic, 

GryffindorDisappointment and I had that agreement too. All she had to do was sent a simple, random text (similar to the "X" thing that went around FB a while back). I'd call her and tell her to come home, or go get her if she had ridden there with someone else.

Even though she was mostly a little shit, there were times that were glorious and those kept me focused on that light at the end of the tunnel.

[Daisy0322]

19 hours ago, SapphireSlytherin said:

My daughter returned to semi-human status at 19 (when she moved out). She became 99% human at 23.

Mom is that you?  But really my mom said this almost word for word last week... I think your daughter and I might be Dopplergangers. I started paying attention after the belly button piercing on the 16th birthday  and the similarities are uncanny. 

[Ali]

17 hours ago, Exposedknees said:

I also hate the term "terrible twos"

Me too! In my experience the tantrums start long before two and three can be a difficult age. Also, things like verbal skills and personality play a role in how difficult the age is. I think many of my 18 month olds tantrums are due to him not being able to communicate what he wants sometimes and mommy not being able to read his mind.

[JMO]

I'll add to what @Ali said.  My son is a spirited child.  Tantrums started before 18 months and just kept escalating through 3.  But then I met a mom who's 3rd child has never had a tantrum.  Never.  Once I picked me jaw up off the floor I still didn't know what to say.  I know her and her kids well enough to know that she wasn't playing some stupid game with me.  She said it off the cuff when I was asking her about something.  Her son was just that even tempered.  Every kid is different and different kids have different bad stages.  

[justoneoftwo]

37 minutes ago, JMO said:

I'll add to what @Ali said.  My son is a spirited child.  Tantrums started before 18 months and just kept escalating through 3.  But then I met a mom who's 3rd child has never had a tantrum.  Never.  Once I picked me jaw up off the floor I still didn't know what to say.  I know her and her kids well enough to know that she wasn't playing some stupid game with me.  She said it off the cuff when I was asking her about something.  Her son was just that even tempered.  Every kid is different and different kids have different bad stages.  

I question what people define as a tantrum.  My baby is even tempered but will cry if we try to make him come inside sometimes, and stamp his feet.  I call that a tantrum, but I'm not sure everyone would.

[OyToTheVey]

47 minutes ago, JMO said:

I'll add to what @Ali said.  My son is a spirited child.  Tantrums started before 18 months and just kept escalating through 3.  But then I met a mom who's 3rd child has never had a tantrum.  Never.  Once I picked me jaw up off the floor I still didn't know what to say.  I know her and her kids well enough to know that she wasn't playing some stupid game with me.  She said it off the cuff when I was asking her about something.  Her son was just that even tempered.  Every kid is different and different kids have different bad stages.  

TBH that was me. I was just that even tempered. I was also a very quiet kid. Loner you would say. But I've finally 'grown' out of it. I'm still very even tempered because my fuse is incredibly long. However, once I do blow I say stuff I really shouldn't. As a kid, I was happy just sitting in one place playing with toys. If you put me in front of cartoons, I'd still be there 5 days later. As an adult I'm still quiet but I don't let people say whatever anymore. I've had to learn to express myself. It's a losing battle cuz I'll be quiet and all of a sudden blow. But it might honestly take me like a year to blow. But yeah as a kid I was that quiet.

[JordynDarby5]

6 hours ago, Ali said:

Me too! In my experience the tantrums start long before two and three can be a difficult age. Also, things like verbal skills and personality play a role in how difficult the age is. I think many of my 18 month olds tantrums are due to him not being able to communicate what he wants sometimes and mommy not being able to read his mind.

That was the experience with my nephew. Sure he had tantrums later but those he could voice what he wanted. But before then? He would get so upset at not being able to communicate what he wanted and his parents not being able to read his mind. Or me when I was watching him. Playing several rounds of do you want juice? Your binkie? Your giraffe? What do you want? 

[unspoken]

4 hours ago, JordynDarby5 said:

That was the experience with my nephew. Sure he had tantrums later but those he could voice what he wanted. But before then? He would get so upset at not being able to communicate what he wanted and his parents not being able to read his mind. Or me when I was watching him. Playing several rounds of do you want juice? Your binkie? Your giraffe? What do you want? 

This is exactly why we introduced sign language to our kid around 5-6 months. Now that he's 1.5 it has drastically helped to improve his communication skills and reduce the tantrums. He will sign to ask for milk or food or a specific toy. It's amazing.