Adoptive "Mothers" 3: Women Who Don't Deserve Mother's Day

[Zola]

I question if she really does want them to become more aware, or if she wants to truly nourish their curiosity in a healthy, appropriate manner, or if she even wants them to develop intellectually. I don't think she really does.

Kimi wants to be in control, and it's a lot easier on her if the daughters she seeks to control are not only ignorant of the world beyond Kimi's domain, but also afflicted by various developmental conditions.

Add to that the way she identifies herself as the adoptive mother of girls who are intellectually dependent upon her to monitor their every move (and then criticize some of them minutely online), and what incentive, what chance, is there for her daughters to become aware, to have their curiosity nurtured, to actually be able to develop intellectually as they should - in a normal, healthy, appropriate manner, as other kids do?

Next to none. She needs them to be as ignorant as possible, and as disabled as she says they are (whether they really are or not), to maintain the level of control she wants, and to maintain the identity she's created for herself. 

Very encouraging that they thwart her efforts every now and then.

[littlemommy]

I just can't understand why she feels the need to broadcast to the world that her daughter fished a tampon applicator out of the trash. I mean, you have a wealth of human knowledge at your fingertips AND a platform to share your life with the world, and...THAT'S what you choose to share?

What the actual hell?

[freejugar]

It seems she doesn't allow the girls to use tampons and that is why they had never seen one before. I'm sure she has some bullshit purity reason for that.

[Stormy]

Hmm, I didn't think about how it might have been written then, but I'm pretty sure it was after she'd adopted Blossom (referring to her and Sissy as her "oldest two"). I think Jie Jie would have been too young to be considered a de facto employee (even now, at thirteen years old). I recall she described Sissy as her "right hand", so I think it sounds like it was after she'd been in America for a while. Then again, she advertised that she was also fluent in Mandarin and Cantonese when she'd attested on her blog that Sissy could only speak Mandarin, so I don't know how much of that is fluff. The website is now down, unfortunately.
 

[bionicmlle]

The tampon thing seems like a totally normal thing for a child/preteen to do.  ESPECIALLY when you tell them not to look in the trash. EVER.  I mean, hell, now I want to look in her trash.  

 

(I'm super nosy, though, and I remain quite nosy as an adult.  I think this is completely within normal limits and...  honestly...  welcomed.)

[elliha]

Even if the girls are not allowed to use tampons they should be informed about what they are and how they are used. It just shouldn't be a mystery to a teen at this time. I wonder what kind of information they have gotten about their bodies and it makes me a bit ill to think about it. I don't think this part of their education was anywhere near what I would have wanted them to know which both this and the dog story proves. At two my daughter walked around town telling everyone within earshot every time she saw a male dog that "Doggy has penis". I grew old after a month or so of me not reacting very much to it, more "Yes, he does. Look at that pretty rock/flower/house"

One part of me wants to show up at Kimmy's house and try out that course I took during my teaching training about how you can talk about sex, gender, relationship etc on Kimmy's kids. As I teach adults I don't use this knowledge very much in my current job (although I do teach some of my students about LGBTQ issues sometimes, in particular students from countries where this is not talked about).

[sawasdee]

If her girls truly are developmentally challenged, then surely it is more important than ever that they are appropriately informed about their bodies? Sadly, they are more vulnerable to abuse, and need to know what and how to say if something should occur.

[alexandracabot]

She has an entire blog post devoted to one of her older daughters fishing a tampon applicator out of the trash. When was the last time she blogged about something nice, smart, funny, or good that Sissy or Blossom did? Has she ever done that?

[Zola]

I can't think of a single blog of hers I've read where she says only positive things about Sissy or Blossom.

What gets me is how she talked about Sissy standing outside in a bathrobe in cold weather, "picking at her skin and ripping her fingernails off," walking in circles outside for 5 hours as some kind of bratty behavior that she was worried her neighbors might see, some sabotage of Kimi's day.

Dude. She's really picking at her skin and ripping off her nails? Really? Meandering a circle, for 5 hours, on a cold day? 5 hours? And she's just acting out to ruin Mother's Day?

Hell no. Kids don't just pick at their skin and rip their nails off because they're being bratty. That has to be painful, and it's self-harming behavior, which would be a red flag to most people.

Kids don't spend 5 hours going in circles out front of the house until they are coerced inside (by a man of intimidating size) just to be a brat on Mother's Day. She did not want to be inside that house at all.

Something is very wrong in Sissy's life to have her behave in such a way. Something is very wrong in Sissy's home for her to be so unhappy that she's this desperate to find relief, to cope, to try and get some damn help for herself that she must know she needs and isn't receiving.

We all know what it is - Mommie Dearest.

I hope the neighbors do see, and I hope someone does something. Free Sissy!

[Edhelfin]

7 hours ago, alexandracabot said:

She has an entire blog post devoted to one of her older daughters fishing a tampon applicator out of the trash. When was the last time she blogged about something nice, smart, funny, or good that Sissy or Blossom did? Has she ever done that?

Her bishop told her to do that once.

She was not happy.

fencingmama.blogspot.co.uk/2015/07/in-trenches.html

[Hane]

1 hour ago, Edhelfin said:

Her bishop told her to do that once.

She was not happy.

fencingmama.blogspot.co.uk/2015/07/in-trenches.html

And she turns around and attacks the bishop's sister and BIL, who had a less-than-successful adoption experience (they adopted a sibling group, and the oldest returned to his biological family when he turned 18, despite their dysfunction and drug use) as if the bishop himself were somehow responsible. Hey, what would the bishop know about kids or education--he's only a public school principal, after all.

Edited June 8, 2017 by Hane

[Pink Muffin]

As I told before I have only read Kimis blog occasionally, but I have followed this thread and what I see is really disturbing. I don´t think the older girls are in a safe place in Kimis home. And the interference by the Firefighter is not appropriate,

In that blog post about her bishop and his advice she writes about asking the more experienced mothers for advice. Well she got good advice from her bishop: 

Quote

The bishop at church tonight (who is a public school principal) essentially told me to focus on the positive things my girls can do, stop talking to everyone about the girls' problems, put them in school, that there are programs where I can leave them even up to 6pm, that his 14 yr. old daughter also has temper tantrums, that other moms don't follow their kids around at activities telling them to go talk to kids their own age, and to just let my kids fail and work things out for themselves because kids learn through failure.

I´m a little unsure what he meant with that about learning through failure. But if Kimi never let´s the girls do anything without her monitoring them, then his statement makes sense.

I don´t think Kimi wants help with the girls, she don´t want any advice from anyone. What she wants is praise and pity for her self. 

Quote

 I guess I'll shut up at church now and realize that no one is ever going to care that I'm in need here of a little compassion and understanding and that maybe an "I'm so sorry. Please know I'm thinking about you and praying for you and your kids," would go really far to helping me get through the week.

Poor, poor Kimi  

Me - I feel really sorry for the girls

Sorry for long post but she makes me want to rant (and sorry for grammar and/or spelling mistakes)

[elliha]

21 hours ago, Pink Muffin said:

I´m a little unsure what he meant with that about learning through failure. But if Kimi never let´s the girls do anything without her monitoring them, then his statement makes sense.

He probably said something along the lines of learning by trial and error. 

[Hane]

10 minutes ago, elliha said:

He probably said something along the lines of learning by trial and error. 

I agree. If kids are insulated from trying and failing, they'll never learn how to persist or develop critical thinking skills

[Lurky]

Has Kimmie ever stated her endgame for the girls?  Is it that they move out and live somewhere else, like assisted living?  Or does she expect them to stay with her forever, and tend to her in her old age?  Does she have any plans for what happens if she gets sick, or after she dies?

[Stormy]

1 hour ago, Lurky said:

Has Kimmie ever stated her endgame for the girls?  Is it that they move out and live somewhere else, like assisted living?  Or does she expect them to stay with her forever, and tend to her in her old age?  Does she have any plans for what happens if she gets sick, or after she dies?

I remember early on when she briefly mused about Jie Jie going to college as she was making plans for Apple (pre-Sissy and Blossom), which...yeah, is as far as she's planned. Then again, this is the same woman who thought to keep giving her teenagers baby dolls and dress them in polka dots.

This might sound random, but I feel like I need to bring up something I saw at work this week; a middle-aged white lady has been coming in as a regular, and is always accompanied by one or two teenage Asian girls who seem to be her daughters (if so, clearly adopted). I never got the chance to interact with any of them, but I can't help but appreciate how the girls are dressed normally, seem calm and comfortable as their mom does her thing, and -- last but not least -- are so buried in their phones that they almost have to be led around. You know, like normal kids! If one of Kimi's girls did that (assuming they have access to a smartphone), Kimi would hark at them and claim they're incapable of functioning in public. It's gotten to the point where wandering around and looking at a cell phone would be a step towards autonomy for them.

[Mirla]

I'm pretty sure any thoughts of the future revolve around Kimmi.

For example:

What will Kimmi feel/think/say/do if the kids move out, leaving her without anyone to martyr herself for?

What will Kimmi feel/think/say/do if the kids stay with her forever, constantly annoying her?

What will Kimmi feel/think/say/do if the kids don't tend to her in her old age?

What will Kimmi feel/think/say/do if the kids can't take care of her when she's sick?

What does Kimmi feel/think/say/do about dying?

I really don't see Kimmi finding the time to consider what her kids will feel/think/say/do at all.  She's much too busy sorting mail.

[keepercjr]

These are the comments left on the tampon post.  She still has to drag Sissy down.

 

 

[Seahorse Wrangler]

31 minutes ago, keepercjr said:

These are the comments left on the tampon post.  She still has to drag Sissy down.

 

 

FFS..honestly I just can't. even my 12 yo DS knows that much since he's been shopping with me off and on since he was born and since his sisters are now using both towels and tampons.

 

Guess I'm corrupting him after the quiche request.

[littlemommy]

I had a hysterectomy 2 years ago so my boys won't grow up in a house seeing tampons in the trash until their little sisters starts using them. So I guess I'll just have to, you know, tell them about that stuff. I think I'll do it when they're young, so their reaction will go more toward "Huh. Weird." instead of "Gaaah, gross!" 

[Edhelfin]

Check out her last entry, she is talking about the group home option. Sissy and Blossom are indeed 'out of the picture' in her future plans.

 

[elliha]

I just want Sissy to get help whether it is by getting out of that house or by having her and Kimmie's relationship improve. I am so angry that Kimmie was allowed to adopt children she is so ill-prepared to take care of. How does one not understand what a huge undertakign it is to adopt a teenager and a teenager who grew up in an institution, in another country and who has some developmental delays? There is a reason why JieJie and Apple have had an easier time, they were so much younger when they started living in a family that they have a much easier time adjusting. It isn't just about Kimmie being horrible (she is horrible) it is also about expectations. Growing up in an institution affects that person. They haven't had love and closeness the same way and Sissy probably sees Kimmie more as a carer than a parent but Kimmie cannot accept that and this increases their problems. As Sissy is trying to understand a deeper bond with an adult she is probably going to be horrible because part of understanding love is testing it. Almost all children who are adopted will have a period of intense testing of the bond they have created and since Kimmie doesn't really respond as Sissy expects this has probably escalated to her being more or less constantly defiant. As Kimmie doesn't seem prepared to take in other people's help and perspective I think that Sissy going to the program and learning how to live on her own is probably the best. Then she could also get into contact with people who would be more supportive.

I don't get how not being able to cook would automatically mean she should not live on her own. Why would it not be OK to eat microwaved food and cold food? Also, are there no programs in the US that helps people with food in their own home if they are sick or disabled? In my country I worked for a while with caring for the elderly in their homes and I did a lot of food preparation. The same services I provided for the elderly would be available for someone who is young but with a substantial disability too if they chose to live on their own. I do question that Sissy would never be able to safely use a stove though. I let my four year old help with cook (under supervision of course) and I very much doubt that Sissy is less able than my daughter. There are often things you can attach to a stove as a safety thing that turns of plates after a certain period if this is not a built in feature so I am sure Sissy could have an adult life without having to live in a group home unless that is what she wants. 

[sawasdee]

I hope that if she goes to a group home, someone will arrange an assessment in her mother tongue. She has done too many planned things, like searching for her papers, for me to accept Kimmie's take on her abilities. I truly wonder how many of her 'problems' are linguistic, and/or due to frustration at being unable to freely communicate.

[FrumperedCat]

I think what Sissy would benefit from is a kind of group home called supported living. Kind of like a house share but with support built in based on her needs. So she might have 24 hour support or could just have someone popping in on a daily basis to help with organisation and cooking. They work on teaching skills needed to live independently and the goal is to allow all residents to have as independent a life as possible. I know at the one my family member is in they go out regularly on the buses to go food shopping and encourage them to be involved in preparing meals. 

[elliha]

1 hour ago, FrumperedCat said:

I think what Sissy would benefit from is a kind of group home called supported living. Kind of like a house share but with support built in based on her needs. So she might have 24 hour support or could just have someone popping in on a daily basis to help with organisation and cooking. They work on teaching skills needed to live independently and the goal is to allow all residents to have as independent a life as possible. I know at the one my family member is in they go out regularly on the buses to go food shopping and encourage them to be involved in preparing meals. 

It sounds a little like how a relative of mine lives. He has a room with a very basic kitchen, coffeemaker and microwave so he can make his own breakfast and snacks but he usually eats lunch and dinner in a communal dining hall. He gets help with some things but mostly does his own thing.

2 hours ago, sawasdee said:

I hope that if she goes to a group home, someone will arrange an assessment in her mother tongue. She has done too many planned things, like searching for her papers, for me to accept Kimmie's take on her abilities. I truly wonder how many of her 'problems' are linguistic, and/or due to frustration at being unable to freely communicate.

I think that would be great. Some of the problems might be because of not being able to express herself freely in English. It could also be some kind of processing problem but one that is strengthened by her having to use a second language. I would say that I am a good second language speaker of English but talking about feelings or very complex things can be very demanding.