Emily (Case) Brower and husband break up

[ophelia]

And another one bites the dust! But this time I find it quite sad.

Emily (Case) Brower and her quite hot (at least that's what a lot of us thaught when he and his body were discussed here a few years back) husband broke up, because he doesn't want to be married to her anymore. They have three daughters so far and Ben is currently in Iraq.

Emily is close to Jean Famborough and Lauren Hope Berkompas. They all did a lot of photographing at the big VF conferences a few years back. Emily is from a small family, she only has one older brother. She was homeschooled and got engaged with Ben although it appeared they had never really talked to each other. They were 19 and 20 when they got married and she got pregnant immeadiately. They made it all look easy - being uneducated, young, newlyweds with a baby on the way. They somewhat moved away from strict fundiedom, at least when it comes to clothing and tattoos.

On top of dealing with a what appears to be cheating husband, Emily's dad died last year after a short and intensive battle with cancer.

You can read everything here. http://threepreciousflowers.blogspot.de/

Seems to be the year of fundie divorces.

[MamaJunebug]

I'm heartbroken for her but in total awe of her self-awareness and positive resolve. And I never heard of her before this post by @ophelia!

i feel sad for her husband, too; but again his reported self-knowledge impresses the heck out of me. Apparently he faced combat or at least the prospect of it -- that right there can move a person to know himself/herself pretty accurately.  And he found an organic attraction, not one arranged by his elders.

He could've decided to live a double life, one pleasing TPTB and one on the down low.  She could've refused to accept the facts. My hearty hope / prayer is that she gets educated to be able to support herself and those girls, and that he fulfills his responsibilities to give them support. 

And that both find real happiness. 

Edited May 4, 2017 by MamaJunebug

[JMO]

It sounds like he left her while she was 6 months pregnant?  Is that right.  Ouch.  They are young enough to find love and happiness in the future with true spouses and not someone that they chastely speak to a few times.  Her daughters are beautiful.  I wish them the best of luch.  

[Mrs. Bean]

Dang! And the hits just keep on coming, wow! I read Emily's blog for years and I'm definitely sorry for the breakup of their marriage. I hope she finds the support she needs and gets an education. This is indeed a year of cautionary tales for the SAHD movement. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

Does it seem like there are a lot of VF divorces lately? Maybe the break up of VF made some people reevaluate their beliefs and maybe that led to divorce? 

[ophelia]

34 minutes ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

Does it seem like there are a lot of VF divorces lately? Maybe the break up of VF made some people reevaluate their beliefs and maybe that led to divorce? 

That is what I've been asking myself. But we'll probably never know since I wouldn't expect anybody to open up about something so personal like a divorce.

I'm wondering if Emily is going to move back in with her mother. She hasn't any other education than her homeschooling and although she doesn't seem to be a victim of SODRT like other SAHDs are she hasn't got a work history or anything to show except for being a photographer for VF conferences and some wedding/newborn/maternity shoots.

[acheronbeach]

20 minutes ago, ophelia said:

That is what I've been asking myself. But we'll probably never know since I wouldn't expect anybody to open up about something so personal like a divorce.

I'm wondering if Emily is going to move back in with her mother. She hasn't any other education than her homeschooling and although she doesn't seem to be a victim of SODRT like other SAHDs are she hasn't got a work history or anything to show except for being a photographer for VF conferences and some wedding/newborn/maternity shoots.

She's still really young.  She has lots of time - if she wants to - to start a career.  Plenty of good colleges give out big grants, scholarships and loans to single parents.  My own BFF (single mom at the time) got an interest-free student loan that covered her college diploma and very basic living expenses.  I hope those around her encourage her to build a separate life for herself. 

Edited May 4, 2017 by acheronbeach
wanted to add stuff

[December]

1 hour ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

Maybe the break up of VF made some people reevaluate their beliefs and maybe that led to divorce? 

I'm definitely wondering if there are some connections, too. Hopefully it works out for the better for all these people (long term, obviously). I can't imagine how big a deal shifting religious views plus a divorce would be in a short time period. With young kids, too! 

[Marian the Librarian]

Her father was only 53 when he died. What a sucky time she's going through. I think Ben is going to wake up one day thinking "What the hell have I done?" 

[ophelia]

10 hours ago, Marian the Librarian said:

Her father was only 53 when he died. What a sucky time she's going through. I think Ben is going to wake up one day thinking "What the hell have I done?" 

yep! she seems like a sweet person and she obviously is strong and mature AF seeing how she is dealing with all this. 

[teachergirl]

Military marriages are hard. super hard. Throw in barely knowing each other, being very young and rapid fire parenthood and you have a recipe for disaster. I like her too and wish both of them the best.  At the very least on practical matters, her girls should be covered under Tricare for health insurance. And the bigger issue once again is how dangerous this theology is. Kelly Crawford in particular used to wax on and on about how young marriage is fine, you will learn to face life's issues together and everything will be hunky dory because JESUS. Until it isn't.

[Lurky]

On 06/05/2017 at 1:03 PM, teachergirl said:

Military marriages are hard. super hard. Throw in barely knowing each other, being very young and rapid fire parenthood and you have a recipe for disaster. I like her too and wish both of them the best.  At the very least on practical matters, her girls should be covered under Tricare for health insurance. And the bigger issue once again is how dangerous this theology is. Kelly Crawford in particular used to wax on and on about how young marriage is fine, you will learn to face life's issues together and everything will be hunky dory because JESUS. Until it isn't.

The thing I hate most about this, is how these poor Fundies must blame themselves 500 times as much as non-Fundies do re the break-up of marriage, and how utterly unprepared they must be.  No one aspires to be a divorcee, but the average person knows that there's always a chance of it, because people change, and marriage is hard.  But Fundies are told if they follow the rules and are Godly, everything will be fine. 

It must be such a shock to find that no, praying and following the rules ISN'T all there is to marriage - and that the fairytales are all lies.  And without even the emotional resilience that chaste-dating or even close friendships gives a person in terms of learning how to navigate basic problems.

My heart hurts for the kids brought up this way.  The first generation Fundies at least got to have normal lives before making their choices, but their kids are not only set up to fail, but to frame a relationship breakdown as a huge spiritual issue, going against God's will, all their fault etc etc - AND, for the women, with no way of being able to support their families.  I hate it so much.

[infooverload]

I would be interested to know the statistics of divorce in fundie populations vs the general population.

[NachosFlandersStyle]

On 5/6/2017 at 8:03 AM, teachergirl said:

Military marriages are hard. super hard. Throw in barely knowing each other, being very young and rapid fire parenthood and you have a recipe for disaster. I like her too and wish both of them the best.  At the very least on practical matters, her girls should be covered under Tricare for health insurance. And the bigger issue once again is how dangerous this theology is. Kelly Crawford in particular used to wax on and on about how young marriage is fine, you will learn to face life's issues together and everything will be hunky dory because JESUS. Until it isn't.

My parents were childhood friend who married at 29 and deployment was still tough. I thought about joining the military for a while and my mom was like "the fuck you are, NOBODY puts me through that again." I don't know what these young courters expect.

[uber frau]

2 hours ago, NachosFlandersStyle said:

I don't know what these young courters expect.

I think,in some regards, the boys are as screwed over as the girls.  They're expected to maintain a wife and a squillion kids with a crappy SOTDRT education and whatever scrapings of wit, luck and experience they can muster.  The lucky ones have a father with enough skill to run a successful family business and can find a job there (but that comes with a whole lot of its own baggage) or enough education  to enlist.

I know of more than one fundie couple who have had to move halfway across the country just to find a minimum pay job (and not even necessarily with full time status).   That might be kind of workable in a low-cost state when there are no kids, but a growing family is expensive (even when you're doing it fundy style). 

[feministxtian]

Military life is hard. Its hard for people who have been raised in a "normal" way...it has to be even harder for the fundie female who has been raised to rely on a man to do everything except breed and clean and cook. Dealing with pay problems (hello? Disbursing), things breaking down (they only die on deployment), having to make literally hundreds of decisions without the "headship's" input, paying bills. The fundie male may feel that his "headship" is being usurped by the woman while he's deployed and I know that in many cases, the woman is reluctant to give up that control when he gets home. Having been a Navy wife, I know that many marriages, especially the young ones didn't survive the first deployment. The older ones, many didn't survive retirement. It takes a special kind of insanity* to deal with military life. 

*in case anybody wonders why I'm insane. Air Force brat who ended up marrying a sailor. 

[SummerRocks]

I was just reading her blog - and I can't find anything before Lily's birth January 2017. Is there another blog where she wrote before? 

 

My heart is breaking for those little girls. But they are young and it doesn't seem like their dad (due to work) is around that much, so hopefully they will adjust to mom & dad not being together anymore. I quickly took a look on her Instagram and see that on April 10,2016 she mentions seeing Ben for a weekend, no picture of him after as far as I can tell. 

 

Also heartbreak for Ben and Emily - sigh - how hard must it be to admit that you are not happy in a relationship, while God and prayer and what not is supposed to make everything happy and joyous?! but ... obviously God is helping her through this ... le sigh! 

[CTRLZero]

20 minutes ago, feministxtian said:

Having been a Navy wife, I know that many marriages, especially the young ones didn't survive the first deployment. The older ones, many didn't survive retirement. It takes a special kind of insanity* to deal with military life.

What a great observation.  We are in the especially insane category, lol.  We are now in the retirement phase, and it helps to go on the occasional separate vacation. 

[feministxtian]

1 minute ago, CTRLZero said:

What a great observation.  We are in the especially insane category, lol.  We are now in the retirement phase, and it helps to go on the occasional separate vacation. 

Hubs played the active duty/reserve duty seesaw...he finally retired completely in 2007. By 2008 I was ready to send him on a nice LOOOOONG WestPac. Sometimes I still think about how nice it would be for him to "get lost" for awhile. 

[Othello]

8 hours ago, uber frau said:

I think,in some regards, the boys are as screwed over as the girls.  They're expected to maintain a wife and a squillion kids with a crappy SOTDRT education and whatever scrapings of wit, luck and experience they can muster.  The lucky ones have a father with enough skill to run a successful family business and can find a job there (but that comes with a whole lot of its own baggage) or enough education  to enlist.

I know of more than one fundie couple who have had to move halfway across the country just to find a minimum pay job (and not even necessarily with full time status).   That might be kind of workable in a low-cost state when there are no kids, but a growing family is expensive (even when you're doing it fundy style). 

They're screwed over in some different ways and many of the same; the patriarchy screws over everyone in it except the few at the top who actually benefit. Rushed into a marriage with no knowledge of how to relate to women, no education, no way to single-income-support a family with immediate and continuing pregnancies and kids... it's a shit show. 

I want to sympathize with Ben—military relationships are insanely difficult, he was likely rushed into a marriage without having a chance to feel anything out for himself, etc., but leaving your wife 6 months pregnant is inexcusable. Don't get her pregnant if you don't intend to stick around, asshole. I get the uncertainty and continuing self-revelation and realizing you're in a position that you should never have gotten yourself into, but bailing on your wife when you've saddled her with kids, emotional trauma and halfway through a pregnancy is frankly fucked up. 

[ophelia]

@SummerRocks she started this new blog with Lily's birth and she had at least 2 other blogs before that, but I can't find them anymore.

[BobTheWalrus]

19 hours ago, Othello said:

I want to sympathize with Ben—military relationships are insanely difficult, he was likely rushed into a marriage without having a chance to feel anything out for himself, etc., but leaving your wife 6 months pregnant is inexcusable. Don't get her pregnant if you don't intend to stick around, asshole.

I agree, but it also makes me wonder how they see it. I've read so much about fundies saying pregnancy is just a normal part of life. All those "scholarly" articles about how historically people have just expected to reproduce in marriage, and it's only a modern phenomenon that has allowed people to get married or have relationships without also having babies (hope someone knows what I'm talking about here!). Pregnancy is a blessing but it's just a normal part of life too, and if your wife is potentially going to be having a baby every 18 months or so, would they even think about timing in that way? Or would they be like, well she's going to be pregnant half the time from now until we're in our 40s, better get out while I can. And if that chance comes along while she's pregnant, he won't care because he's so desperate to escape that cycle.

I'm not excusing him, just wondering if he would even have thought of it!

[Lurky]

I also wonder, when IS a good time to leave?  Of course leaving a wife 6 months pregnant is bad - but so is leaving when the baby is 6 months old, or a year, or two.  Ultimately, there's all kids of research showing kids whose parents divorce do better than those who hate/resent each other, but stay together "for the sake of the children" - and Emily could probably get tons more support if she is divorced and eg moved back in with parents/had a sibling move in with her, with community support, than if her husband was deployed away from her, but still technically married - or living in the same home, where one or both of the couple are super-angry at each other, because of whatever it is that has precipitated the divorce.

ETA and do we know it's his choice to leave?  It could just as easily be her choice that he's moving out, as his.

Edited May 12, 2017 by Lurky

[NachosFlandersStyle]

3 hours ago, Lurky said:

ETA and do we know it's his choice to leave?  It could just as easily be her choice that he's moving out, as his.

Doesn't sound like her choice, from her blog post:

Quote

I always had strong hope that we would work through it, no matter how difficult it was.  That's what I was ready to do... but he wasn't.  He simply doesn't want to be married any longer.  He assured me it was nothing I had done, and there was nothing I could do to change his mind.  This was his decision and there was no negotiating.

 

[Milly-Molly-Mandy]

Well it sounds as if she plans on homeschooling her girls from the comments on her Instagram. 

I guess she gets child support and lives back at home as how else can you afford to stay home and homeschool. 

Im disappointed. She’s so young she could have had a career but she’s going to spend the next 20 years homeschooling.